Should I stay for the money?

[TLGATL]

My parents are divorced and for the past two years I’ve had to live with my father. I don’t like my father because in my eyes, he is emotionally abusive. The moment I say something he doesn’t like of I don’t want to put up with him, he tries to guilt trip me, bribe me or hurt me.

 

He says things like about how me not putting up with him is immature. And me not doing « feminine » things is why I’ll never be liked by people. He tells me constantly that he disapproves of my decisions and that I should do the things he wants. I’m the oldest of four, and though my younger brother whose closest in age to me is only 2 years younger, he’s never held responsible for anything. I always have to watch the 3 year old, do the dishes, be feminine and « mature » and not complain about anything or I’m « in the wrong ».

 

He doesn’t want me telling anyone or arguing with him because then I’m « lying about what’s going on with me ». He always says he’s nothing but an amazing dad and a « fully formed adult » but I hate him. Recently my mom told me that I could leave and move in with her. Of course I said yes. My mother is a very supportive woman, even when she doesn’t agree with something I’m doing, as long as it isn’t harmful to me, she lets me figure it out. And when I ask for her help, even if I was stubborn before, she gives it.

 

The issue here is money. I live with my dad because he has money. I put up with the emotional trauma because he has access to resources my mom doesn’t. My sweet 16 is coming up and initially the plan was for me to have 2 separate parties with each side of my family. The catch though is that I would have to stay with my dad for an extra month.

 

When I said I didn’t want to stay. He blew up and said to get everything out of his house and that I wasn’t mature. That a mature adult could handle it. He then went on to say, I’m going to miss out on blessings. That the family would have given me a proper send off, that I would have gotten some money for the move, that I would have had my license that weekend. My mom doesn’t have the money for new stuff for the house, so I feel like it’s up to me to get whatever I can before we leave.

 

So my question is, should I stay? Or should I leave as soon as possible?

[Wiseman2]

Live with your mother

[Clio]

Staying with someone who is abusive for money is wrong. Doing the right thing isn't always easy and in some cases it comes at a cost.

[Tinydance]

Well if you would like to be a bit more independent from your father money wise, you could get a side job? That way you could have some money for yourself. You could start saving money towards whatever you need it for. Like getting a driver's license, car, your Birthday party. When I was sixteen I got my first part time job as a waitress and kitchenhand. The thing is that if your Dad pays for all your stuff and you live under his roof, unfortunately that's why he acts like it's his rules or "his way or the highway". You are very dependent on him financially. I think if you enjoy living with your Mum, that could be the better option for you.

[Lambert]

As tiny dancer and my parents always put it... his house, his rules.

 

I know as a young person parties and material things are important. But as an old person (haha) I can tell you, being in a more comfortable environment (emotionally) is worth more. You'll feel better, sleep better, have less stress, all leading to a better overall life.

 

Your dad, as he said is a fully formed adult... wheter its formed well or not is up for debate. But the fully formed part, that's true. he is not changing.

 

You're growing up. His money is not always going to be enough to hold you. Which overall, is a good lesson for life. This is true for all peiple, but especially woman. We historically make less for the same jobs. More often we sacrifice key earning years to raise children and that can put us in a vulnerable position.

 

Now is a good time to realise no one can control you when you make your own money and pay your own way. Your mom is offering you a great start... a place to live, where you can "breathe" and start making your own money- part time job, an internet business, whatever interests you for the extras.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others. Move in with your mother. Only be with people who treat you with respect. Remember that advice for life.

[redswim30]

Live with your mom and learn to care less about material things. Pretty clear cut.

[abitbroken]

live with your mom. your dad has to pay child support. You are only setting yourself up to find an abusive man who showers you with money and gifts. If you were able to go to the library, never be home etc and were in the last year of college and dad would stop paying if you left, i get it - i would stay a few months, but you are a teenager. go live with mom, cancel the party and get a part time weekend job to give yourself pocket money for the extras mom can't or should not provide

[pam4him]

So sorry for the difficult situation. And, unfortunately, it's a decision you must make. You've recognized the abusive behavior, but are you willing to continue living in that environment? Money is not everything and it kind of seems like he's using that against you. You are still a child, his child, not his wife. Is the financial gain worth the emotional trauma? Is there a possibility it could escalate to physical injury? Please consider safety as you make your decision. Some things might be delayed, but I bet your mom will strive to find a way to provide for you. Take care and prayers for wisdom and guidance.

[catfeeder]

This is only the first of many similar choices you'll need to make about what kind of behavior is worth putting up with for money--or any other kind of trade. Same will be true of jobs, boyfriends, relatives, even friends.

 

Everyone has our own internal line that we won't allow others to cross--for any kind of payoff.

 

Nobody here can tell you what your private line 'should' be.