Is my boyfriend stealing from me? How do I confront him/prove it?

[jessmaria]

I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 5 months now. He has a way of getting himself into trouble, but has always treated me very well. I know he believes that he is in love with me; he is very affectionate to the point of being clingy. He is constantly bringing up moving in together, kids… he even referred to me as his fiancée a couple weeks ago. As he is 7 years my senior and we’ve been together for such a short amount of time, I am not ready for any of this and have made that clear to him. Every time I ask him to back off, he gets upset and panics that I’m going to “leave him”. This level of attachment at such an early stage was a red flag from the beginning, but not something that I was ready to end it over. I thought maybe it was normal this is for someone his age (28) to want to settle down.

Aside from this, the relationship went very well for awhile. He is very romantic, and makes me feel loved and special. However, for the past month some strange things have been happening and I feel in my gut that something might be wrong.

My boyfriend has a steady job in a warehouse, and makes just about enough to pay his bills. He has occasionally asked me for money for small things like cigarettes, and I usually oblige. Then he started going out a lot in the middle of the night for hours at a time and coming home with some excuse. When I’d finally had enough and tried to end it, he spent a few days claiming to love & need me, begging for another chance. I gave in, and things got better for awhile.

Then my money started disappearing.

The first time it happened, we were out at a bar together, a place where he knew everyone but where I had never been before. I can’t remember ever parting from my purse, except to have him hold it. Later, when we got home, I picked my purse up from the bedroom floor and noticed instantly that it was lighter (my wallet was pretty heavy from all the coins inside). My wallet had disappeared, along with my license, credit cards, etc. At the time I assumed that I had been careless and a stranger must have taken it; I never even considered that it might have been him. He disappeared again that night, claiming his cousin needed help.

The second time it happened I didn’t even notice my cash missing until he handed it to me, claiming his landlord found some money on the driveway and asking if it was mine. He’s always behind on rent; I can’t imagine that if his landlord found money outside that he would have returned it.

The most recent time was a couple days ago, on Halloween. I went out with my friends to a bar near home for a couple of hours and only had 2 drinks, neither of which I paid for; I think I opened my purse once during the whole night. This is a regular bar for us, and I know and trust almost everyone who was there that night. Even when I did set my purse down, it was near my friends’ purses, and no one had anything missing except for me. I slept at my boyfriend’s house that night, and on the drive home in the morning I noticed my cash was gone again. He had gone out in the middle of the night again, claiming his friend (whose mother is dying) needed consolation.

Is it even possible that all of this is a coincidence? His mom (who isn’t too fond of me due to her “baby boy” being so enamored) implied once that he was lying to me, but I guess it’s possible that she is the one lying. She could even be the one doing the stealing, though I doubt it. His sister’s boyfriend, who happens to be a friend of mine, mentioned that he had a drug problem some years ago and actually brought up the question of whether he was leaving in the middle of the night. I realized then that it’s extremely possible that he’s stealing from me due to drug addiction, a theory that for some reason had never even crossed my mind. I know for a fact that he’s not cheating on me.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions and accuse him of such a serious thing without any proof. I suppose it’s possible that I could just be getting careless, especially when I drink. Maybe I’m just becoming paranoid. Is it even possible that someone can be crazy in love and stealing from me at the same time? I’ve even begun to think that maybe his borderline obsession is all just an act. In my heart I believe that he is a basically good person and really does love me (although much too soon), and that if he is doing this that he may just have a serious problem. Even so, I don’t think it’s something I can excuse. He is a sweet, attractive guy, but at the risk of sounding snotty, I know I can do better. I have mentioned that my money keeps disappearing, and he acts concerned and tries to offer me some of his, which I deny. This morning I asked him if he was on any drugs, and of course he said no.

So, finally, my question is: should I look for concrete proof before I accuse him of stealing? Or should I confront him directly and risk a big blowout, especially if I’m wrong? Even the drug theory is just a guess; I have never noticed any abnormal behavior that would suggest him being on anything. I wouldn’t even know how I could prove it without risking being stolen from again, or how to begin to ask him something like that. I feel pretty powerless here; I don’t want to leave a good man who makes me happy for something he didn’t do, but I also don’t want to stay with a conniving one who is lying and stealing from me. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Any ideas on how to handle it?

[DylanNotorious]

He had gone out in the middle of the night again, claiming his friend (whose mother is dying) needed consolation.

 

Sorry but this excuse is def one for the books. But seriously, I think he's stealing from you to go buy drugs in the middle of the night. Wouldn't that sound more plausible?

[DN]

Two many coincidences for it not to be extremely likely that his is stealing from you.

[Batya33]

I think if you think your boyfriend is stealing from you he should not be your boyfriend.

[annony]

This sounds like hallmark behavior for an addict.

Personally, I wouldn't confront him, I'd just leave him.

[happyfrank]

He’s always behind on rent and borrows money. He wants to get married and start family. Are you ready to pay for it all? 5 months into relationship and wants girl he barely knows to pay for wedding. It's not fair for you. If you can find somebody that will help and support you like husbands do.. Why not?

[Mercurial Girl]

This has PSYCHO written all over it.

 

Seriously, calling you his fiancee and you've been dating for FIVE MONTHS?!

 

He sounds like a drug addict or something. There isn't hard evidence of this or of stealing but you don't need it - he's noooo good.

 

Run run run run RUUUUN!

[Mephisto13]

When you tell him to slow down the relationship talk, he doesn't panic that you will leave him. He panics that his "stream of income" will leave him.

[testcase]

Sorry but this excuse is def one for the books. But seriously, I think he's stealing from you to go buy drugs in the middle of the night. Wouldn't that sound more plausible?

 

First thing I thought when you said he's leaving in the middle of the night and taking your cash. I thought this waaaay before reading he had past drug history. Then reading that line almost guaranteed it to me.

[RoxyGril]

He's definitely stealing from you and that is a big red flag. I couldn't be with someone who seems to having trouble paying his rent and other things as well. If he's pushing to move in with you which seems like he probably expecting you to pay the rent so he can get out of it.

 

IMO, it's been 5 months since the 2 of you started dating and there are multiple red flags, I would just end the relationship. He may tell you how much he loves you but, it doesn't prove it by the choices he is making. You can find someone that is able to treat you better and also to be able to be a more responsible adult. There a lot of guys out there that have a lot more going for them. Also have their things together to where they know what they want out of life.

[UniqueSoul]

i would confront him. if you want him to be your boyfriend, you have to. dont beat around the bush. just flat out ask him whats going on. be up front and honest. its the only way youll get straight answers.

[XxJustMexX]

I dated someone who had a drug problem in the end and he started stealing from me. I'm not going to make excuses for him, but drug addiction isn't as black and white as people think it is. It's also definitely its own whole subject that I'm not even going to dive into here... But there's really only two ways to deal with a druggee, and that's to either drop them cold and make them hit rock bottom, or be there for them and support them through the ordeal if they do in fact ask for help. It's up to each individual person what they're willing to put themself through for their loved one. I personally stuck around for about a year to try to help him but he didn't want to help himself so I gave up on him... unfortunately.

 

But yes, druggees will steal from you, no matter who you are. My ex would steal from his own family... sister, dad, cousins... you name it. I knew him before the drugs so I knew it was the drugs and the altered mind doing this, not him. I know that sounds like an excuse, but in all reality that's what a drug is, something that alters your mind. I personally think people who care about someone should try to help a person with an addiction but then again I think you haven't been with him long enough to be that obligated.

 

As for confronting him I'd do it bluntly and straight up. If he gets defensive, you'll have your answer. A druggee will normally get really defensive (or on the other side of the spectrum and get really nice) if they're confronted. If that's not your man's normal behavior then ya, it'll be clear if he's on drugs. There's really no way to prove it unless you want to hit up every pawn shop and drug dealer in the area... Asking would be the way to go and just be prepared to try to determine if he's lying or not.

 

It seems like you care about him so I thought I'd give you something else to think about before just kicking him to the curb like most people would suggest. I know that's the easiest thing to suggest, but I'm more of a person to try to help someone before giving up on them and if you care for him (like it sounds like you do) then I figured you'd be open to it as well.

[annony]

I've grown up being raised by alcoholics. My mother went on to date druggie after druggie when I was a teen. What I am going to say is harsh, and may sound cruel, but it's a lifetime of experience, alanon, and heartache that has taught me what I know.

Addicts will LIE and they will STEAL no matter how much they really truly love you.

You will be secondary to their addiction, no matter how deeply they don't want to hurt you.

You can't change an addict, they will continue in this pattern until they want to change for themselves, not for you, or anyone else close to their heat.

The vast majority of attempts you will make to help him get better will only end up supporting his addiction, and prolonging him from hitting rock bottom which is what 99.9% of addicts need to do in order to get better.

EVERY addict is a person. EVERY addict has real feelings. EVERY addict has the capacity to love people. HOWEVER the most important thing in an addicts life is their drug of choice. They will step on those they love to get it, even if they don't want to.

[metrogirl]

I'm with testcase on this... Before I even got to the drug problem I assumed he was out in the middle of the night either buying drugs or doing drugs.

 

Maybe you should put a specific amount of money in your wallet, make sure the bills are mixed up but you will know exactly the dollar amount and the next time you two are together you will know if money is missing. Now I don't recommend this if you are just gonna go out drinking and not remember if you were careless or not. The idea is to know exactly what you have and don't have afterwards.

[Fudgie]

Let's see...

 

1) He's clingy

2) He's trying to push you into more way too soon even though you tell him to back off

3) He's clearly stealing your cash.

 

Seriously, don't waste anymore time with this guy. He's an addict, I'm sure of it.

 

If you really want to be sure, get a pharmacy drug test and tell him to urinate in a cup for it or you'll leave him NOW. He'll do it out of fear of you leaving him, and then you can see what he's addicted to and blowing your money on. And then leave him anyway.

[jessmaria]

LOL, yeah it's pretty psycho... one of my friends said the same thing as Mercurial Girl... that it doesn't even matter if i'm wrong about the drug thing, that I should leave him anyway just based on the crazy behavior. I mean... how many girls would just be okay with their boyfriend disappearing in the middle of the night and letting it continue? I feel naive and taken advantage of, especially because he said it would stop and it hasn't.

 

Anyway, update; I brought up how losing so much money is stressing me out, that I can't afford the things I need right now, just trying to gauge his reaction before I really confront him. He just said something like "Yeah, I've been pretty careless myself lately, I keep losing things" and changed the subject. I even brought up the fact that he was leaving at night all the time again, and he kind of laughed that off too. Suffice it to say, I started locking my money in my car at night. It's sad that I have to be that cautious with my own boyfriend... you guys are right, I should leave him.

 

I think I'm just waiting for some kind of proof, so if I do leave him I don't have to go crazy wondering if I was wrong all along. The same friend I mentioned earlier suggested that I mark all my money with a marker or something and then leave it out, so he can't say it was his. I don't know if it's worth going through all that though.. the drug test Fudgie mentioned would probably be a better idea. I think I'm just afraid of coming accross crazy if I AM wrong. Then again, i guess it would be worth it for the peace of mind.

 

If he really does love me and just really needs help, I would like to try and provide that for him, but I really feel like it's too soon for me to place that kind of burden on myself when I haven't even been with him long. I think I would respect him more and be more inclined to help if he were at least giving me the respect of being honest with me. Those of you who have experience with this kind of thing seem to be sure that letting him hit rock bottom is the only way for him to learn, anyway. If he really loves me that much, maybe me being gone will be a slap in the face for him.

 

Of course I'd like to believe that I am wrong about everything, that there's some other explanation for what's been happening. It is possible that there is, but based on all the evidence... not likely. Thanks for your advice, keep it coming!

[mhowe]

Bright red flags. He is stealing, doing drugs and lying to you. Don't even bother with a conversation. Run for the exit.

[jessmaria]

When you tell him to slow down the relationship talk, he doesn't panic that you will leave him. He panics that his "stream of income" will leave him.

 

This has crossed my mind also...

[mhowe]

why are you not already gone?

[Mesemene]

I'm with the majority on this one - sounds like he's an addict of some sort, drinking, drugs, gambling, other women - either way, something that is his priority over anyone.

 

And unfortunately, no matter how much you want to, you can't help him. He hasn't even admitted to having a problem. He's had opportunities to fess up, and has chosen to lie. So as far as he's concerned, you'd be the problem, for not "understanding and supporting" him. Sure, he might feel guilty - but not enough to stop.

 

The only way he'll come to grips with his issues is if there's no enabler giving him a safety net or cushion to let him fulfill his need or addiction. Walk away. Or better, run away. You shouldn't have to live like a prisoner in your own home, guarding everything against theft.

[swampyankee]

run

 

away

 

now!!

[wlaney]

I stole from my ex-girlfriend. I am a recovering alcoholic so I can only tell you my experiences. It is pure hell as an addict. I loved my ex very very much, and still do. But in the warped minds of addicts we will go to any length to get our drug of choice. I would get anxiety attacks, the shakes and sweats not having any money to buy booze. I asked her a couple times for a few bucks but felt guilty knowing what I was going to spend it on. So it seemed 'easier' to steal. So here is the cycle, you're trying to kill the inner pain by using. So you do it. Then you do something terrible, like steal, you feel terrible some more for doing that then you go act a fool etc... The vicious cycle. I would steal in a blackout. I once took my girlfriends debt card, drove to the gas station got gas then came home in the middle of the night. (Cant remember, no clue.. But I did it) I hope he finally gets it. My ex breaking up with me saved my life.