He confuses me, what should I do?

[Marina1818]

Hi, I’ am an 18 year old girl and I am currently completing my final year in college. Here is some background info: I’ve been studying in a full-boarding school in England for the past 5 years, but I actually come from Russia. My school is mostly English kids, but there are two Russian guys in my year. Although, foreign students normally hang out with kids from their home countries, that never really was the case for me, probably cause I am very shy and don’t really initiate conversations myself and they just never attempted to either. We would have a small friendly talk occasionally, but nothing more than that. The thing is I actually low key always liked one of the guys. I wouldn’t spend my days fantasising about him or anything, but whenever we talked I would get this sense of nervous excitement and... let me just put it out there - if he was to ask me out I wouldn’t mind. This never seemed to be a possibility though since to me he seemed out of my league, but also he only ever got with/ dated girls back in Russia and never showed any interest in the girls in college.

 

However, this has all changed over the past year. I think the turning point was when we had a school event on a Saturday night and I ended up talking to the Russians for the whole evening and once that was over the guy (the one I don’t fancy) was like ‘oh it’s a shame we have to go’ so I invited them over to my house (meaning the common area of the girls boarding house) to hang out. Afterwards, the guy I fancy, who has been quiet for the whole night, sent me a long and really formal text in fancy Russian thanking me for welcoming them at my house. I found it a little bit unusual cause I am used to a more casual attitude, but I thought it was super sweet and texted him something nice back as well. Anyways, a week later he came up to me in the cafeteria on Saturday and asked if they can come tonight cause they enjoyed their time there last weekend. That started a tradition of them coming over pretty much every Saturday, however he would always text me prior to that asking if they could come and sometimes afterwards thanking for the tea. I got used to his formal texting style, however we never really had a proper texting conversation cause I just don’t know what to say and feel awkward and I actually got the impression he feels the same way. This is because he has been texting almost every week asking for notes and asking questions about History, but we are not even in the same class and some of the things he could have found out by just looking at the textbook. I kind of went with that and also texted him a few times asking him questions I already know the answers to, which is stupid, but I am just not the type to text ‘hey, what’s up?’ to someone randomly and apparently neither is he.

 

The most annoying thing is I can feel this special energy when we talk, but he only properly talks to me when we are alone and when there are other people around he kind of just addresses everyone and actually acts much louder and just different. But the thing is it is impossible to stay alone with someone in a boarding school since there are only so many places where both boys and girls are allowed and they are always full of people. So when I found out we were flying home on the same plane I was actually really excited especially since he was keen on sharing a taxi. In the airport he was carrying my bag and offered to buy me tea and brought me to a very nice seating area, but the conversations were quite tight and it kind of just felt a bit awkward as we struggled to find topics rather than school. He asked if I wanted to seat with him on the plane (‘cause he would be bored without a TV’) and there he kind of leaned on me whilst ‘sleeping’ and I kind of did that as well, except for it was more than just that because he was also stroking my hand and playing with my hair and I was like OMG finally something besides random awkward conversations is happening. Then he also asked like three times what I was doing over break and I said I want to go to some galleries to get research for my artwork. He said something like ‘have fun and if you have noone to go with and if you feel like it you can text me and if I am in the same district of Moscow at the same time and I am not busy and I am alone and the exhibition interests me I might come see u or maybe not.’ I think it was his way of testing whether I am interested or not, but I was very happy that I got a chance to express my interest in spending time with him, so a few days into the holiday I texted him and told him the day, the time and the name of the exhibition. He replied with ‘I might want to stay in bed for longer, but if I am bothered I’ll come.’ At first I felt bad because I thought I was bothering him, but then I convinced myself that it was his way of acting cool and chilled especially since he did make it on the day.

 

Now, here is the weird thing. Throughout the ‘date’ he felt very distant and unbothered and was on his phone most of the time. I was kind of getting upset by how not into it he was but I kept acting cool despite his very cold attitude. However, he invited me to a cafe afterwards and although he was still kind of dead for the rest of the time he clearly wanted to spend more time together since he invited me, right? He also asked if I had any plans for the rest of the break and I literally said ‘no, any suggestions?’ and he never said anything. So the break was over, and I was kind of expecting things to change, but texting is still just as awkward and I am just confused because I feel like I am getting mixed signals - one day he gives me his jacket, the other he sits in the corner the whole evening and barely replies when I try to initiate a conversation; one day he makes me tea and brings medicines (I was ill), the other says he doesn’t want to come over cause he wants to try and fix a projector in their house (we can only see each other once a week and the projector is there like 24/7, like seriously?).

 

I just feel like after we spent some time together outside school things should have progressed, but the past three months has been a period stagnation. The thing is, I actually really like him now. But also I could probably deal with him not being interested but he keeps wanting to come over and he does random sweet things it’s just not really going anywhere and the fact that we barely talk and only really see each other once a week really stresses me out. I really want to talk more, I understand that our lack of communication is my fault just as much as his. I am just curious whether the girls he used to date were much more outgoing and proactive so he got used to them taking initiative? We are a week into spring break and we haven’t talked this whole time cause I ran out of History questions and the exams are soon so I know he is working hard (he actually mentioned he might not come every Saturday after break either cause he needs to revise harder), but it frustrates me how it is still two weeks of break left and we might not talk until then and I actually miss him but I know when I text all I will get is a paragraph with detailed formal description of how his studies are going and if I try asking how everything else is going he’ll just say ‘ok’ and will continue explaining how he constructed his revision timetable cause that’s what always happens and then he will not text back until he needs something. I just feel lonely really cause we live in the same city, but it seems like he has better things to do here and he only spends time with me cause that’s the least boring option on a Saturday night. But all my friends who saw us interact said he talks to me in ‘a special way’ and he always stares at me I even hear his tone change when he talks to me and he bought me this asian tea for like 50 quid once.

 

One more thing. School ends in three months and although we are from the same city in Russia he will spend most of his summer travelling so I am really stressed that if nothing happens we will end up not talking. We are both going to universities in London next year, but I feel if it continues in this fashion we will struggle to stay in touch.

 

I am sorry this is so long and I probably went into too much detail but l just wanted you guys to have a clear understanding of the situation. So, my questions are what does it feel like his attitude is towards me? If he likes me, what do you think his intentions are? Is he being shy and awkward in expressing himself or is he just not that interested? Should I show I like him more actively and if so, how? How do I make texting less awkward? Should I text him now and what should I say? How do I make the whole thing progress or should I just accept that it is not going to happen?

 

Lastly, although I understand it might be the best thing to confront him directly and ask all this questions, but I just don’t have the balls to do that, bear in mind, guys, I am also really shy, but unlike him I am also inexperienced so rocking up to him and saying it to his face just isn’t an option for me!

[Wiseman2]

This is partly cultural and partly the fact that he doesn't want to date. Be friendly, polite etc but do not pursue anyone who is not interested and merely being polite and culturally appropriate from their point of view.