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Husband said him or the dogs


Kris2019

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Would just like a little bit of advice on the situation. My husband has given my an ultimatum of getting rid of my dogs or he will walk away from me and the kids. First off we have been married for 8 years we have always had more than one dog. We have 6, 5 which are mine. Mine are my work partner as I am a dog trainer my German Shepherd which is 1 year old, my schnauzer which is 15 yoa, my other schnauzer which is 8 years old, my dachshund which was a gift he got me 3 years ago, and my 2.8lb chihuahua which is also my partner for my business. The 6th dog is his German Shepherd that we rescued bc she was highly aggressive I have trained her and she is manageable with us and will not do well as anyone elseÂ’s dog that doesnÂ’t know how to keep her training up so that she can function properly in society. I have already shut down a grooming business of mine 6 years ago to follow him for his career which required us to move and given up some of my dogs back then. We have since moved again due to his job and have horses 20 acres and our dogs as well as kids we got custody of. He has since takin another job that would require us to move again and now he wants me to get rid of all but 2 dogs, and my horses bc he just decided he doesnÂ’t want the animals anymore and if I donÂ’t get rid of them then it will end in a divorce. He is willing to put his dog down bc he just doesnÂ’t want to deal with it anymore. Convenient euthanasia.....really!? He says IÂ’m choosing my dogs over him and the kids. I donÂ’t love my dogs more than I love my family but I donÂ’t agree with just giving my animals up. I am a dog trainer I been in the pet industry for many years I bond tremendously with my animals. I have offered several compromises such as buying a new house with a fenced in yard to keep them outside most of the day and only to come in at night and stay in a temp controlled garage so they wonÂ’t have to be in the house....not that they are bad he just doesnÂ’t want to deal with the animals anymore. I have offered to change the food they are on to cheaper food to cut back in cost. None of this is good enough no compromise is good enough I have offered to give up the horses bc I understand we are moving to a higher cost of living area and the houses with ac

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Any time someone gives you an ultimatum between two things you love and don't want to part with, they're being a POS. I say you be the one to deliver the divorce papers to him. He's been with you long enough to know the type of animal lover that you are, and that should be his compromise to you for selflessly leaving so much behind and all this moving from place to place for his sake and his job. How would he have liked an ultimatum on any of that? "No, we stay where we are and you find work here, or I'm done with you." Ultimatums are BS. You know who each other are at this point, you can't suddenly flip the script like that.

 

Well, you can, but that usually means you're no longer working out. You seem like different people with different values at this point. The decision is yours but I'd be out. I'd choose the dogs, because they would never force me to make such a difficult decision. I really think you should find someone as passionate about animals as you are.

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LikeWater could be right. But, even as a dog lover, I was reading this thinking: that’s a LOT of dogs. A lot of animals. Enough to seriously impact a life. And I had to wonder how long it took to get to a point where an ultimatum was issued (ultimatums pretty much never end well and LikeWater is right about them - I just wonder how far your husband has gone down this road to get here). But putting a dog down because he doesn’t want it any more? That’s horrible. That’s a big red flag for me right there.

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Sorry my message cut off. The end said cost of living with acreage is to expensive. I cannot talk to our friends bc his friend he is living with out of state is now his boss. And it’s not like I just got animals without his permission. I have constantly supported him and the kids in whatever they wanted to do. Now they are all so willing to have me give up my job, dogs, and horses. I take time out of my schedule to run them to guitar lessons, baseball, whatever they want to do not complaining once while he works out of town and only comes A week at a time every 2 weeks. I supported him in taking this job bc I know it’s something he has been wanting to be in the office and have a since of importance. My dogs also don’t run rampant through the house. If the animals were detrimental to their health I would of course give them up but that’s not the case! And it’s not like he came into the marriage not knowing my passion for the animals and now suddenly wanting to change and everything. I have a clean house mopped daily dishes are never in the sink and the yard is kept up and I am the one to do everything as he is not here often and with the new job out of state he now only comes home every other weekend. Within a matter of 3 -4 years, the older German Shepherd, and the schnauzer would be gone due to age. I would never ask them to give up things they want!

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Well the issue I see here is that he's only telling you to get rid of the dogs now because HE is sick of them. I'm assuming he was OK with them before? I mean you have been married for eight years and have always had the dogs. If he said it was OK to get them before and HE actually gave you the chihuahua himself (adding to the dogs) then sorry but I don't think that he can change his mind just like that so many years later. If he told you from the start that he wants no more than two then that would be different.

 

It is actually very cruel to put down a dog who is not sick or dying just because "you're tired of it". And some of the other dogs are reasonably old, so if you try to give them away, likely there won't be many takers. If a dog is not adopted from a rescue place within a certain time, they also get put down.

 

You do have an excessive amount of dogs and just pets in general but a pet is for life and he agreed to have them. It's wrong to just dump them now. It's a commitment and if he didn't want to commit then he shouldn't have done it. He's an adult and he has to act like an adult and take responsibility for his own decisions.

 

Your decision but personally I actually would divorce. To put an ultimatum like that, him or the dogs, is in my opinion very selfish. Of course you love your family but pets are family too!

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Divorce over dogs?!? That's the craziest thing I ever heard!

 

The value of humans and a good marriage sure get's undermined these days.

 

Go for it, divorce over dogs, but don't be sad when he has re-married and you've got nothing but dogs. I also think there is no way you could love him or value him if you're actually fighting over this.

 

I love animals too, but I love humans more.

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Divorce over dogs?!? That's the craziest thing I ever heard!

 

The value of humans and a good marriage sure get's undermined these days.

 

Go for it, divorce over dogs, but don't be sad when he has re-married and you've got nothing but dogs. I also think there is no way you could love him or value him if you're actually fighting over this.

 

I love animals too, but I love humans more.

 

Yes of course the husband is very important and if for example he told her he didn't want more than two dogs, but she went behind his back and got them, that would be very different. But if he was OK with them for eight years and also keep in mind HE gave her the chihuahua. So he was actually contributing to them having MORE dogs! He has also been responsible for this situation and he needs to be held accountable too. When you get a pet, you can't just "get sick of them". Unless they're aggressive you would not be thinking that you would just get rid of them if you felt like it in future. We are actually talking about these dogs likely being put down because they're older and that is extremely cruel. There is an issue here not that dogs are more important but the husband is cruel. That actually is a red flag.

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You're placing dogs over your loved ones...do you realize that? Come on...start being reasonable here.

 

2 dogs is more than enough.

 

Her husband gifted her a dog only 3 years ago after she already had more than 2. And he brought another one in that he rescued.

 

Imo the husband is being unreasonable. He was ok with the dogs until he decided to move job. And the dogs no longer fit into his new lifestyle? So just get rid of them? Heartless to say the least.

 

OP I don’t really know what to advise but I do find it a little odd that you would have pets when your living situation can change at any time based on your husbands work?

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Be happy with a pile of dogs then and let him go so he can find someone else.

 

He is the one forcing a decision of dogs or him even though he bought one as a gift to her and took another in as a rescue.

 

This is not a “pile of dogs” these are dogs she loves and has bonded with.

Let him go? I absolutely agree with that. I wouldn’t stay with someone with zero empathy.

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Gotta agree with your husband here, that is a ridiculous amount of dogs.

 

You really do need to cut down to 2. Why did you get so out of hand in the first place with that many dogs?

 

I side with him, you're asking too much and the dogs need to go.

 

Out of hand? Out of hand is people that have 10-15+ dogs running around and an absolutely disgusting home. It’s not like I acquired the dogs on my own! I have always had multiple and they are all well taken care of! And like I said I have not just gotten them on my own or behind anyone’s back. And again he came into the marriage knowing my compassion for animals and I had multiple dogs at that point! I’m not valuing animals over humans! I have sacrificed multiple times for him. And To just up and walk away 8 years later is a little odd to me. And again my dogs aren’t little devils that just run around crazy as I am a dog trainer! My dogs can do more than most from retrieving mail, drinks ect. & holding long down stays. Most of the dogs we have had the majority of our marriage and are seniors in age! If I placed value in my animals over my family the decision wouldn’t be so hard as I wouldn’t care if he walked away bc I value my animals more!

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Thanks to everyone actually reading and understanding the story that I just didn’t bring dogs home and that I actually do value my husband

 

Her husband gifted her a dog only 3 years ago after she already had more than 2. And he brought another one in that he rescued.

 

Imo the husband is being unreasonable. He was ok with the dogs until he decided to move job. And the dogs no longer fit into his new lifestyle? So just get rid of them? Heartless to say the least.

 

OP I don’t really know what to advise but I do find it a little odd that you would have pets when your living situation can change at any time based on your husbands work?

 

 

Our living situation isn’t just supposed to change he chooses to keep changing it! I actually can’t stand the place he chose to move to this time but supported him so he can have a job that he loves in the office! Not once did this choice include getting rid of animals until now after he took the job and changes his tune. The original deal was if we couldn’t find a place for the horses i would be ok letting them go so he can make the move! He got down there and switched everything up!

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Out of hand? Out of hand is people that have 10-15+ dogs running around and an absolutely disgusting home. It’s not like I acquired the dogs on my own! I have always had multiple and they are all well taken care of! And like I said I have not just gotten them on my own or behind anyone’s back. And again he came into the marriage knowing my compassion for animals and I had multiple dogs at that point! I’m not valuing animals over humans! I have sacrificed multiple times for him. And To just up and walk away 8 years later is a little odd to me. And again my dogs aren’t little devils that just run around crazy as I am a dog trainer! My dogs can do more than most from retrieving mail, drinks ect. & holding long down stays. Most of the dogs we have had the majority of our marriage and are seniors in age! If I placed value in my animals over my family the decision wouldn’t be so hard as I wouldn’t care if he walked away bc I value my animals more!

 

I am so sorry that your husband is being so cold about this.

He has said that he will willingly walk away from you and the kids if the dogs stay.

That is HIM making a completely immoral choice.

 

Don’t allow him or anyone on here make you feel bad just because you remain loyal to responsibilities that actually both you and your husband undertook.

 

If your husband leaves you AND the kids , he is the one choosing to do that!

I’m so sorry that some people disregard your empathy for all beings, people and animals alike.

You sound so lovely to me!

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How was your marriage going prior to this ultimatum, OP?

 

I am reading this a bit differently, in that I don't think it's really about the dogs at all. I am wondering if your husband wants out of the marriage for other reasons, but chose to make it about the dogs because he knew you wouldn't willingly give them up - thus forcing your hand in a separation.

 

I would be very concerned about what is really behind all of this.

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I am so sorry that your husband is being so cold about this.

He has said that he will willingly walk away from you and the kids if the dogs stay.

That is HIM making a completely immoral choice.

 

Don’t allow him or anyone on here make you feel bad just because you remain loyal to responsibilities that actually both you and your husband undertook.

 

If your husband leaves you AND the kids , he is the one choosing to do that!

I’m so sorry that some people disregard your empathy for all beings, people and animals alike.

You sound so lovely to me!

 

Thank you! I don’t feel bad bc I know I am doing everything to try and keep the family together except throwing dogs away! Anyone that knows me knows I absolutely love my family. I just wanted outsiders opinions bc we have mutual friends that I normally talk to about situations as they are our go to people however this guy is now his boss and doesn’t want me asking him or his wife (our friends) for advice bc he says I am to leave his boss out of it. I told him I simply think it’s bc he doesn’t want me talking to them bc they would tell him what he is doing is absolutely ridiculous as they know the many things I have stayed and not walked away from in the course of our relationship as we have all been friends for a LONG time! We all went to school together and know each other well! Any compromise I come up with is shut down with I need to know if the dogs are gonna go that is the only thing I need to hear every thing is is irrelevant at this point.

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How was your marriage going prior to this ultimatum, OP?

 

I am reading this a bit differently, in that I don't think it's really about the dogs at all. I am wondering if your husband wants out of the marriage for other reasons, but chose to make it about the dogs because he knew you wouldn't willingly give them up - thus forcing your hand in a separation.

 

I would be very concerned about what is really behind all of this.

 

I told him the same thing. He has slept around in the past and we worked through that. But since he has gotten to the new location and in the office with upitty ups he has seemed to change! He said he is doing this for the family and I don’t believe that! I did ask him if he was just trying to get me to walk out! But right before this we were doing just fine with the occasional marital arguments. This isn’t the first time he has threatened divorce if he didn’t get his own way and turns things around on me.

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I told him the same thing. He has slept around in the past and we worked through that. But since he has gotten to the new location and in the office with upitty ups he has seemed to change! He said he is doing this for the family and I don’t believe that! I did ask him if he was just trying to get me to walk out! But right before this we were doing just fine with the occasional marital arguments. This isn’t the first time he has threatened divorce if he didn’t get his own way and turns things around on me.

 

Meaning, he has cheated on you before? What do you mean when you say "in the office with upitty ups he has seemed to change"? He has met new people and is pulling away from you, or?

 

The fact that he has previously threatened divorce when things don't go his way is very revealing and paints a bigger picture of marital discord that goes beyond the dogs.

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Meaning, he has cheated on you before? What do you mean when you say "in the office with upitty ups he has seemed to change"? He has met new people and is pulling away from you, or?

 

The fact that he has previously threatened divorce when things don't go his way is very revealing and paints a bigger picture of marital discord that goes beyond the dogs.

 

Yes he has cheated in the past working out of town. His job requires him to be gone 2 weeks in a week until he took this office job that he can now be home every night with us once we move. The people that are in the office are pretty wealthy people and now we need to live a certain way is what he said. No more living in the country...no one in the office has acreage and will think our lifestyle is ridiculous! But yea this isn’t the first time he has brought up divorce if things don’t go his way! I’m just being told I’m not sacrificing for our family and if he walks away bc I won’t let dogs go this is my fault and my choice not his. I don’t know how my giving up animals WE took in will prove I love him or the family. I just feel I am being strong armed into his decision. He has met plenty of new people in the office and I feel he is pulling away and is ashamed of who I am bc of status in the office

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Wait... he has cheated on you and he's the one who threatens divorce? Sounds like he has way too much power in this relationship. How invested is he, really? Or how much distance is he getting away with? Yes, I think 6 dogs is a big deal but this isn't just about a lot of dogs - this feels now like it's about power and that you may have given far too much of it away. It feels to me like you deserve better and you need to really think about whether this marriage is even really working for you.

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Wait... he has cheated on you and he's the one who threatens divorce? Sounds like he has way too much power in this relationship. How invested is he, really? Or how much distance is he getting away with? Yes, I think 6 dogs is a big deal but this isn't just about a lot of dogs - this feels now like it's about power and that you may have given far too much of it away. It feels to me like you deserve better and you need to really think about whether this marriage is even really working for you.

 

I love deeply! And I figured we could work things out and we were doing great for quite some time until this new position. He said he wanted the position bc he can have a sense of importance and more valued role being in the office on top of being able to come home and every night to us once we moved. I’m just at my wits end with being the one who loves strongly and like I told him if he is willing to walk away from us bc of dogs I just don’t think he feels the same way and is using it as an out.

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Yes he has cheated in the past working out of town. His job requires him to be gone 2 weeks in a week until he took this office job that he can now be home every night with us once we move.

 

I would be awfully concerned that he is up to his old tricks again, OP.

 

It seems to me that he is trying to keep you away from him, from moving the family to where he is now, and he knows the trump card is the dogs. He is painting you into a corner and giving you an impossible ultimatum he know he can "win."

 

I think you need to have a very honest come-to-Jesus talk with him, without bringing up the dogs. The dogs are a distraction from the real problem. From how I read it, he is looking for a way out of your marriage and it has little to do with the canines.

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