Why this he vanish like that ? Needing opinions

[Nath386]

I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks, after a month we had sex for the first time. The day after, he was leaving for a trip and he didn't write to me (I wrote to him in the evening, he answered, but didn't talk much). Then he started to initiate contact less and less...

 

I had actually met him years ago when we were students: he was interested, he manifested it but was often clumsy about it and hot and cold. Back then, he was in a relationship that he was not so excited about anymore. But nothing happenned, we never confessed our mutual interest to each other. I was unexperienced I didn't know how to reciprocate and he never said "i like you". And he vanished, and we didn't talk for years. I had never completely forgotten about him.

 

So when we saw each other again weeks ago, both being single, we wanted to see if something could happen today between us. I must admit I was excited about it. But I wasn't sure it could go somewhere or we'd be fit for one another (I sort of told him). Above all, the way he had vanished in the past had hurt and confused me, I am sensitive and I needed time to trust him and feel comfortable. He wouldn't really verbalize his interest for me, he said he wasn't comfortable with words and they didn't mean anything... At the beginning I expressed my doubts and said I was scared I was not his type of girl and vice versa, we are quite different... He seemed a bit annoyed and said it was too early to worry about that and I should trust my instinct. But he was not very warm and not very talkative between dates. I just needed to feel like he was taking me seriously and he would be more consistent this time.

 

We were still really getting along and the physical chemisty was great (for me at least). We'd kiss for 20 min straight.

 

A week before he left, we had non-penetrative sex an evening, for 2 or 3 hours... He left at 3 or 4 am, didn't write to me the day after, it confused me. He had to work, I sent him a text saying I hoped he wasn't too exhausted, he said he was far from regretting what had happenned.

 

And then, a week later, we have actual sex and then he seemed to pull away. I have stopped initiating contact now and he hasn't tired to contact me. It really hurts me and I am confused... I find it douchy. Why would he come back after years to disappear again like that ?

Any opinion would be welcome

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like he was only really interested in sex, and for whatever reason, he wasn't feeling the chemistry when it actually happened and has now decided to fade completely. I can understand why it stings, but let this be your clear indication that he's not the guy for you

 

I think you need to let go of the idea of something more happening. It's never gotten off the ground and it appears that you've always been more interested than him. His coldness and clumsiness is because he's not that into it, unfortunately.

[j.man]

Could be he was just in it for the sex, but honestly I don't see any reason he should have been in it for anything more. Seems like a lot of drama and emotional diarrhea sharing doubts and fears, asking if he regretted anything, etc. after only having started dating. Or telling him before you'd even started dating that you weren't sure you could see anything between you two. Not sure what grand prospects you had for a happy long-term commitment after all that. Which isn't to say he'd be a possibility in any situation, but that you're certainly not helping your odds any.

 

If you're not comfortable with or have heavy reservations about someone someone, don't date them. Dating is much more enjoyable-- and successful, for that matter-- when you choose to forego that dynamic altogether

[Hollyj]

Sorry, but he was only in it for sex,

 

This guy does not sound like he was ever really nice. The ghosting from the first time was an indicator of who he was. Always follow your gut, you knew all along that this was not good.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. FWB experiments rarely turn out well. Distance yourself from him. Next time be clear on what type of arrangement you are looking for. Dating, FWB, hookups, exclusive, etc.

[DancingFool]

Why did he vanish? Pretty much same reason why anyone vanishes - they don't care and they don't want to deal with you, your emotions, or any kind of talk or explanations.

 

He was the same before and he is the same today. You should have listened to your instincts telling you that he is no good.

 

Overall, it seems like your attraction was mostly one sided all along. Tough to accept, but probably best that you do and let this go for good so if he ever reaches out for another hook up, you'll be strong enough and smart enough to hang up on him.

[boltnrun]

You had all those doubts yet chose to have sex with him anyway? Why? Were you hoping the sex would make him want to continue dating you?

[smackie9]

Remember a leopard doesn't change it's spots. The guy vanished on you before, he's gonna do it again. The red flags were always there...nothing to be confused about. He just wanted some sex that's it.

[SherrySher]

He was looking for a hook up, nothing more.

 

Unfortunately, you made yourself vulnerable by telling him how much you liked him and letting him steer you into sex quickly.

 

If you ever decide to date again, don't jump into bed like this and go slow. Make sure the man you're dating is actually interested in YOU and not a quick hop in the sack.

 

Someone who sincerely likes you, will want to romance you and date you properly. Bring you flowers, take you out to nice dinners, sit and have long chats with you. And might give you a peck on the cheek but will not rush things.

 

On the other hand, if you have a fool like the guy you unfortunately got involved with, he will make minimal efforts, not care about long talks or really getting to know you and will push intimacy, whether that be kissing or touching to full on sex.

 

Find a man who falls in love with your mind and not someone wanting to use your body.

[melancholy123]

I too think he just wanted to get laid and that he isn't all that into you like you want him to be. Best to move on.

[Lambert]

I read somewhere and it really stuck with me:

 

When someone likes you, you'll know. If you're confused, then assume they aren't interested.

 

We can get too involved in our own feelings for someone and creating a narrative that explains that they really are interested. But instead we really should examine, as an outside observer, what is actually happening. See the clear signs of non-interest, like inconsistency.

 

It's definitely hurtful that he pulled back. I'm sorry. Don't beat yourself up. be kind to yourself. and chalk it up to livin' and learnin'.

 

Take this time to heal and decide what you really want... you can't be passive about what you want, what making out for 20 minutes and ultimately sex means to you. Then expect another person to be on your same page. How are they supposed to know?

 

Sometimes we're so ready to blame another for being a player, using us, or whatever, but its on us to set boundaries. being truthful about yourself. If its not casual to you, don't be afraid to say it.

 

If you lose a guy over being yourself, its better than sacrificing yourself for them. It is what is. A leopard doesn't change its spots

 

When we know better, we do better. (hugs)

[Rose Mosse]

I read somewhere and it really stuck with me:

 

When someone likes you, you'll know. If you're confused, then assume they aren't interested.

 

I agree with this.

 

He's not interested. It's hard to tell whether he was in it for sex or to get laid. He could have just been going along with it and living in the moment, then realized it's you and he's not interested in pursuing anything more with you. It's a terrible and rude thing to do especially considering he knew about all your doubts and hesitations.

 

You seem very afraid and vulnerable too. Take a step back and don't put yourself out there if you don't feel comfortable around someone with whom you have a track history of feeling uncomfortable around!

 

It's difficult to be around someone who is nervous, afraid and uncomfortable. It's emotionally draining if he has to help you fear him less.

 

Work on your self-confidence and learn to experience in the moment and let go if you need to let go. Try and get centered somehow - have an unshakable faith in yourself that regardless you will be fine.

 

I think you placed too much expectations on this person due to your shared past and knowing him from before. If you're going to rekindle anything with an old friend or an old flame, start over and take it as if they're a stranger. You're two separate people with individual lives.

 

Be cautious and have fun. Work on your self-esteem a bit more. This will smooth out. Don't let it get to you.

[Eliza50]

It doesn't matter why he's vanished. Thinking about it won't do you any good, trust me. Block his name, his number, everything...and move on. I know it's easier said than done but it's the only way to deal with people like him.

[Cherylyn]

Because to him, you were just a romp in the hay. He got what he wanted, grew tired of you and has since moved on.

 

In the future, get to know a guy for a long time and go slower when establishing a relationship with him. Build trust and learn character first and foremost.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not sure why you chose to continue sleeping with him, despite the glaring red flags. Of course I understand your pain, but you need to own your part in this, as well.

 

Having sex right off the bat doesn't seal the deal, just as skipping the emotional/getting to know you phase is likely to demote you into the run of the mill FWB's situation. Lesson learned?