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He says he will end his long distance relationship, but will he?


Oblivionsky

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So, I met this amazing guy. It was if gravity was pulling us together, so much so that we call each other "Our Magnet". We have been inseperable for two months. Only problem is that he has a long distance gf two states over. They have been dating for two years. His whole family knows her and while they hated her at first, now they tolerate her. Him and her, had an open relationship and his family disaproved of it. I told him I want a closed relationship or else I would leave him. I am not the sharing type and the only reason that im still seeing him, is because she is far away. I told him that if she comes here, we are through. He told me that he would break up with the other girl because he could not live without me. He wanted a closed relationship a while ago with the other girl, but she refused. First though he wants to tell his family and then he would tell the other girl that they just are not going to work out. She was originally supposed to move in with him in August, but when he met me, he told her that it was no longer possible. So he is going to introduce me to his entire family next monday as his only girlfriend. Then break up with the other girl afterwards. He wants his family to know first in case she decides to start messaging them on FB. She has a lot of dirt on him and his family is religious. Do you think he will actually leave her? or am I being dumb?

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I think that's what happens though when people agree to see other people outside of their relationship. There is always the potential to fall heavily in love. He asked her to close the relationship and she brushed him off and is seeing two other men. Me and him are not going to be doing that.

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He's lying....he is introducing you to his family to see if they will approve of you. Also, Think about it...if him and his GF are in an open relaitonship, what does it matter if she knows about you or not, and why would she get revenge on him...it's all fair game to be hookin up with others. If they split up, she has other guys to be dating. Me thinks they are in a committed relationship, and he's introducing you to his family to blow smoke up your butt about being committed to you and blowin smoke up his family's butt making them think the girl they don't approve of is out of the picture. He's playin all of ya, so he can have his cake and eat it to.

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She knows about me, she has even called me, much to my disappointment. But she would be bitter because I do not want an open relationship, im essentially telling him dump her or lose me.. so he is going to dump her, which could make her angry.

 

Are you sure it's her? He could have gotten a coworker, a cousin, a buddy's GF or whatever to call you, and pretend to be her.

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Oh my bad! Well, I'd remove myself from the relationship until he does break up. But are you sure you guys have the same values? Does he want to be in a monogamous relationship? Was this open relationship his first?

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I am sure, because she tried to tell me that unless me and her were friends, she would not approve of me dating her man, that this will never workout otherwise. I told her to go to hell and that me and her would not be friends. She told me that she was revoking my right to see her man then. I told her to get some therapy. I still have her number.

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He is delaying it because his family is having a huge BBQ and he wants to tell them and introduce me. He is afraid his mom wont like me if he just surprises her with me, so hes been hanging out with her and telling her stuff about me and how he met me. Then next Monday (the day of the bbq) im meeting his ENTIRE family. I think hes delaying bwcause of his family and afraid the other girl will harass him. Plus I think he wants the acceptance and approval of his family at why he's leaving a 2 yr long relationship for someone he only just met. Also he did tell me that at first he just didn't know what to do because how could he want to leave a 2 year long relationship for one soo new? he didn't understand what was happening to him. Last week we were supposed to go on a date, instead I showed up and told him that it was over. That I am not going to share or be the moron while he sits there and texts her all day. He told me he couldn't lose me, that even if I did leave him, he was still going to break up with her, because he realized their relationship was more of a business than a relationship. They would randomly stop talking to each other for weeks at a time and he barely saw her but maybe once a year. He is also slightly afraid that she will hurt herself and his sister happens to be her best friend. When I told him I was ending it, that's when he invited me to meet the family. He told me he would try to make the transition quick so I would not keep suffering.

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Wow....

Why don’t you tell him to end it with her properly....and in a couple of months ...IF he’s in the right state of mind, you and him can possibly start talkin* again? This man knew and dated this person for two years before you...why in the world would you be ok with him jumping from her to you...,regardless if it’s “long distance”?? Have some class and empathy.

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It sounds like he is a mama's boy, he has no spine and he is a monkey brancher. And you are making the informed choice to enter in a relationship with him where you had to twist his arm in order to become exclusive... Imo, this is not going to end well.

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I am not really twisting his arm. I told him that I would quietly exit his life, being in an open relationship does not fit my needs. I keep asking him if he's sure, that I can just leave. I id not know when we started dating that he was in an open relationship.

 

The reason im ok with him just dumping her is because they have hardly spent any time together and she has 2 backup boyfriends. I do not feel bad about taking the third. She has others to fall back on. Not to mention, an open relationship isn't what he wanted. She is kinda railroading him.

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Why do you want such a spineless wimp of a man, OP?

 

I would be so turned off by his inability to stand up for himself and go after what he wants. To me, that's the behaviour of a kid, not a man. He lets others push him around too much.

 

Or so he has you believe.

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Those are really weird reasons to delay. He's not sure if he wants to end it, that's what I think is happening. I can understand that it could be hard because of his sister, but not being sure if he wants to end something that he says is already over, points to the fact that he doesn't seem so sure that he wants to proceed with you. Either way, he is way too confused now, and ok I get it, but I think it would be best to step away until he really is sure. Even if he refuses.

 

Also, introducing you to his entire family? Isn't that a bit too soon?

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I am sure, because she tried to tell me that unless me and her were friends, she would not approve of me dating her man, that this will never workout otherwise. I told her to go to hell and that me and her would not be friends. She told me that she was revoking my right to see her man then. I told her to get some therapy. I still have her number.

 

Holy moley, what a bunch of BS this is! I'd tell bf to hit the road and move on and find a guy who is available. There's a whole lot of BS and lying going on here. If he wanted her gone, she would be.

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Perhaps you don't want advice but instead people to tell you he's sincere and most certainly will end whatever it is he has with this other woman.

 

What do your friends think about the situation? What about your mom, sister, dad, other family members? Do they advise waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend?

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My best guess is that he’s using you as a pawn in his relationship.

 

He can say all the bad things he wants about her - but the reality is that they’ve been together 2 years, she’s close with his family and they were planning to move in together in August. He asked her to be exclusive and she said “no”.

 

This excuse of wanting you to meet his family first in case she says bad things about him is weak. If you want to break up with someone, you break up with them. Particularly if they are making plans, hiring movers, etc.

 

And he’s clearly told her about you and she disapproves...

 

The more logical explanation is that he’s trying to push her jealousy buttons to push for an exclusive relationship and you’re just a pawn. He WANTS his family (particularly his sister probably) to say something to her. A family BBQ is great for that. Even better if she sees pictures on Facebook or something.

 

In your shoes, I would not play into his game. Tell him to contact you when he’s actually single.

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“She has a lot of dirt on him and his family is religious.”

 

What kind of dirt? And is it the kind of dirt you approve of?

If she is that vindictive, she will tell them regardless of when he dumps her.

 

Sorry but you lost your bargaining power the moment YOU chose to date someone who was already in a relationship.

 

He sounds a bit of an idiot tbh.

Who tells their entire family that he is about to dump his gf while bringing a new one to the table?

And after that , dump her?

 

If I were you I would decline the invite to the bbq and tell him that once he has sorted everything out, dumped his gf AND got over it , then you might be open to hanging out and see what happens IF you are still single then.

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Well, at least you know ahead of time that when he's tired of you he'll find your replacement, introduce her to his family and only then will he let you know you're broken up.

 

 

 

I wouldn't sign up for that.

 

Lol! He is a real prize!

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Being generous, the biggest red flag in this whole thing, to my eyes, is that you didn't know he was in an open relationship until you got involved. That right there speaks to the very thing you're frustrated with now that you are involved: his lack of a spine.

 

I've gone on dates with people in open relationships. They've been explicit from the get go: I'm in an open thing, he is my primary, everything else is secondary. All that before the first drink is ordered. Not quite my thing—though in one case it was a great way for a little fling—but I totally respected their honesty.

 

He's been sideways from the start, and is sideways now. Everything about his story is sideways, beginning with this idea that being "open" was something that, like, kinda sorta just "happened" to him. Something she did. No. Maybe she is the one who proposed it, and maybe he had reservations, but he is an adult who agreed to it. If he wants to end it—because it's not for him, because he's met someone—he is an adult who can make that choice.

 

What's he showing you? That he is an adult who cannot make hard choices, but instead prefers others to make them for him: his girlfriend, his family, you, anyone but, you know, him. That's weak character. Or, you could say, a weak magnet.

 

You repeatedly say that open isn't for you, except you've been doing it. You have spent two months as the secondary in an open relationship between two people. That is fact. I'd accept that fact now—and accept that it's not a fact you want to keep as your truth—and let him know that, while you care about him and would like to see where it goes, you'd like to do all that once he has sorted this out.

 

That way you get to preserve the good—and the potential of more good—without being a character in a drama of three (or many more, given that he's still got the puppet-master hand of the family wiggling around where other adults have developed spines). I know that's a hard choice right now, but I think that making it will reaffirm for you the strength of your own spine and give you clearer eyes about this whole thing.

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