Feeling unsure after 4 years and before marriage

[Kluster]

Me and my fiancé are together for 4 years now, both in our mid 30s, had an engagement not long ago.

 

We live in MY apartment. I feel suppressed. I have to go straight home after work or else she's upset. I rarely can go anywhere alone, she always wants to come with me. The main problem is that while I'm introverted and can happily spend time alone, she can't do anything by herself, she gets bored very quickly. When I'm at home, I cannot sit a whole hour at my PC, as she always needs something (go do this, go do that) or at least she wants to chit-chat or just "don't want to watch my back".

 

She got herself fired from several jobs in the 4 years and was unemployed for a long time, so we lived on my income for months. Out of the 4 years together, I had 2 months of unemployment, and she had more than a year. She regularly does housework like cleaning, washing and cooking (she can cook amazing meals) but I don't think that'd take a whole day, because it's a small apartment and I usually finish everything in less than 3 hours if I do it myself. I help her with the housework, but she often just calls me out to the kitchen while she cooks, not to help, just to be there, which I usually see a waste of time.

 

She is a MASSIVE smoker, usually a packet per day and I wanted her to reduce the amount, but failed. She don't want to quit (but she always said she does), asks me money for meals and spend it on cigs. She denies that she bought cigs. When I confronted her with this she seamed to be ashamed and promised she won't do it again, but she did, I'm fed up. I'm a non-smoker, hate cigs and consider them a waste of money (and don't like second hand smoke), and when I buy her cigs, it is like someone stabbed a knife in my chest. She makes promises even she know she cannot keep. A month ago she stopped smoking for a week, but that was only because she wanted to have a kid and it only lasted until the first stressed situation and she got back to smoking a packet a day.

I try to support her any way I can. We aggreed that I won't argue with her nor criticize her for the cigs and that she'll slowly quit, but I keep myself to this promise and even compliment her if she has a good smell or haven't been out smoking for a few hours, but she didn't change a thing and she still smokes the same amount. It's been a month now and no change on her side. The worst thing is that she usually gets up 2-3 times at night to go out for a smoke.

 

I like to relieve work stress by going out to nature to take photos, or just to go to small trips (I love to drive), but whenever we go, she usually just waits in the car while I take a hike, then she calls me every 20 minutes and asks where am I. If I go alone, I must specify how long it will take and she gets really angry if I don't arrive in time, even if I drop her a message that I'll be late. I can't really let the stress out this way...

 

Every day I feel that whatever she wants must be done or else she's upset, while I constantly put aside what I want. We watch movies SHE wants to watch. We go out eating (that's not really fun for me), or shopping (at least she does not always want to buy expensive things) or she comes with me on roadtrips, but that's all. I'd like to go bowling, play pool, biking, concerts, or waterparks but none of them interests her and even if she sometimes let us go, she just sits there and watches me. That's not really fun. After a rough day at the office, I usually want to play a videogame to relax, but I rarely can, because when I get home, she always wants to interact. We sometimes play games (I mean board games, as she don't like videogames), sometimes watch TV but she falls asleep in 10 minutes, but usually she just wants to chitchat and "be together".

 

She does not have a driving license nor a car so anywhere she needs to go either I need to take her, or - if I'm at work - I have to give her money for a taxi ride. That's expensive! She takes the bus to work, but whenever I have a day off, I need to pick her up after work, no matter what I want to do. She even takes a taxi straight to home (which costs her 2/3 her daily salary) whenever she don't feel like walking 2km to catch the bus.

 

Sex is mediocre at best. She almost never initiates it, she is usually tired at night. Sometimes we have a good session, but spontaneous events are rare, she always says she needs to shower before and that ruins the mood. There are a lot of times when she just lies there like a log. I tend to be slow and sometimes clumsy and she gets pissed off and scolds me not to act like a virgin boy. I tried to spice things up by telling her some of my fetishes (like doing it outdoors) and that brought out a big quarrel. We ended up agreeing in some (like watching porn together) and it was fun, but it doesn't really change the overal image, since sex is not the most important aspect for me. There's some improvement lately as she's trying to be spontaneous, but we still only have sex 2 times a month at best. I sometimes masturbate to relieve myself, something that which if she'd know of, she'd definitely throw a tantrum.

 

She cannot handle money and spends it on unnecessary thing or buys things that we could get much cheaper elsewhere. She basically spends money until she runs out, then borrows from me. She's bad at save money. Although she helps to pay utilities by sending me part of her salary, the majority of the cost of living is on me, and she still spends the rest of her salary on cigs and stuff.

 

I get a bunch of verbal insults too. She's often ironic, tries to induce guilt inside me if I don't agree with her and gets angry over small issues (i.e.: why I left the curtains rolled aside, or why I'm clumsy sometimes, or why didn't I put the dishes in the dishwasher). But if I'd say something ironic, she gets angry. Usually she just goes out for a smoke and stop talking to me and if I ask what's the problem she lets out an ironic "nothing". Then, I get sad and try to work things out, try to talk calmly and use common sense, but somehow it's always me who's at fault, never her... Although we can talk things over, that's mostly because I can swallow my pride and apologize for things I don't really feel my fault. We never argue for long and the peace always returns in a few hours or overnight, but the frequency and nature of the quarrels frighten me. We have an argument over some small thing almost every week. Or is it not that often?

 

My mom is worried, but she does not want to suggest anything. The only thing she said is that I shouldn't escape into work (which I tend to do). My sister is worried too (she has a husband and a cute daughter) as she sees that I'm not really happy.

I usually just swallow my feelings. I don't like conflicts. I hate arguments. I would like to sit down with my fianc; and have a deep talk about all this, but I don't know how to start it. When the mood is calm, I don't want to stir it up with this. When we argue I don't want to worsen it. She always takes criticism personally and fights back. I'm really tired of this.

 

She is selfish or at least very biased to herself. I.e.: I frequently make her breakfast, she rarely does it for me. I get her small presents (candies, snacks, small items), she rarely reciprocates. On the other hand, she always gives me meaningful gifts on occasions like my birthday or Christmas, while I usually have trouble getting her what she wants as I'm not that good in catching her hints.

If I wake her up accidentally when she's having an afternoon nap, she gets upset, but when she wakes me up 6 AM on sunday just to ask for a coffee, it's OK. I almost always have to go where she wants, but she stays at home if I want to go somewhere she don't.

She always asks what I want to do, but gets pissed off if I don't have an idea and ask her back. She can't decide on programs, and wants me to always be the confident alpha male which I'm not. I want to discuss every choice with her, but she only drops hints and gets angry if I ask her opinion. Besides if I choose something she doesn't like, she also frowns.

 

However, when there's peace it's quite good. She can be very caring, listens to my problems, comforts me when I'm down. She was there when I had tough exams, she complimented me, she is trying to be there when needed. We have some things in common: she can be as weird as me, she's the cheeky type I like, she's got a good sense of humour. We get along, watch movies, cook together, etc, but that won't really compensate for the bad things.

 

We visit my parents almost every week, but usually just stay for lunch and then go home, because she can't stand my dad (yes, he can be very very unpleasant even for me). This had my mom worrying that she might try to alienate me from my family. I always tend to talk things through with my mom and she always asks if I called my mom and I tend to lie that I don't because I don't want to explain her that we discuss the tough situations in the relationship.

 

To be continued...

[Kluster]

...continuing

 

She was constantly bugging me for a ring and talk about marriage, but I couldn't imagine myself marrying her yet. But I'm weak and succumbed to her persuasion. I bought her a ring and she was very happy, started to plan the wedding. I panicked and 9 months before the planned date, I called it off (not totally, just postponed it). When I told her this, she started to pack her things and wanted to go away, and honestly I felt that if she wants then she should go and have a little break, but she couldn't leave me. I know I did a terrible thing with postponing the wedding, but I had to do it, because I'm not ready for it yet. She got heartbroken, and told me that I don't love her. I do love her, just not high-in-the-cluds in love with her. I promised a wedding next year, but I don't feel it yet. She seems to be accepted the call-off and wants to return to the old days, but she needs time. The rings stayed on and we are still engaged.

We are always like this. She's the rushy type, I'm the overanalyzer. We always on a rollercoaster about big questions, alternating between yes and no, but finally settling at some point. I.e.: she wanted to try for a baby, and while I told her that I also played with this thought, she took that for granted and started planning the child. Then I changed my mind and didn't know how to tell her. A child would be too much of a burden for me. Then, after my hesitation and other circumstances, we finally settled on not having kids.

 

After I called off the wedding, she got a little distant, always sad. She also thinks my family is against her and out marriage. This is all because I tend to talk things over with my mom. She likes my mom and my mom likes her, and don't want to suggest anything, she says it's up to me what I want to do, but I should think matters through thoroughly. Her parents like me too and her mom didn't mind that I called off the wedding, said it's up to us and I can't be rushed if I don't want to. Marriage seems so permanent for me, as if it would conservate the current not so good situation, although I don't know if this really is that terrible or I just don't know worse. My parents have a terrible marriage and all the burden is on my mom, and I don't want to end up like her.

 

I am ambiguous about all this. Sometimes I think everything will be fine. Other times I feel the worst and fear of marrying her. I do love her, but I'm not deeply in love with her. No butterflies in the stomach or anything. She thinks I'm the best thing in her life and she says that everything she does is for me. I don't want to betray her, but I feel I'm just a personal slave in her eyes. Yes, she left her parents, friends and her former job to move in with me. I got us a decent place to live, I have a car to take her where she wants, I supported her when she didn't have money. Sometimes I think she just likes the life I gave her and not really me. She desperately want to make our relationship official, but why that's necessary as we don't want kids and no one is pushing us towards marriage. She always ask if I love her which I do, but I honestly cannot say yes if she's asking if I'm madly in love with her.

 

I know that this situation is not good, but I don't know what to do. Being well over 30, I'd cherish what I have and honestly think this still can be mended. However, recently I feel more often that I need to end this, because it won't be good. I just fear that if I bring up a big talk, it'll end up in a great quarrel that neither of us will be able to handle. Calling off the wedding was bad enough. Also, after four years, I really don't know how should I do it if I decide to let her go. I mean we're living together like a married couple and we'd need to arrange a lot of things. She works here, has her life here and has a lot of her stuff at my apartment. On the other hand, I know someone who broke up after 9 years just before marriage and after they bought an apartment...

 

I lost my motivation at work. I spend 60% of my time doing nonsense. I lost interest in activities I really liked before: videogames, going outside for photos, etc. I may have a burnout.

 

It's my fault that I'm a people-pleaser but she has her issues too.

 

At first, I want to have a big talk with her. How can I start that? If that does not work, and I see no other choice, how can I let her go? When should I bring that up and how? I'd appreciate any suggestions or similar experiences...

[ControlDenied]

Deep down you know what you need to do. Break up if what you want is a happy marriage.

[Liraele]

Sounds like your relationship may have run its course, and you're trying to assuage the the guilt you're having over that feeling. I agree with ControlDenied - I think you know what you need to do and should do if you want a different sort of relationship...and it sounds like you do.

[ballerinababe]

You are not compatible together. That is abundantly clear!! Please do both of yourselves a favor and end the relationship once and for all.

 

She is living in your place now, which is awkward. Perhaps you could be the one to move, or you could find a new affordable apartment for her and offer to pay a couple months rent while she finds a job. It will seem cruel to kick her out especially when she apparently can't even afford cigarettes. However, as cruel as it will be, you really should MOVE ON from this woman, for the sake of your mental and physical well-being and for your future.

[Kluster]

Since the apartment we liv in is on my name and I bought it with my savings and pay a mortgage on it, the only feasible way is if we seach for an apartment for her to rent.

She has a job, so she should be able to support herself if she wants. Or she also could go back to her parents. I'd gladly help her move and would also pay the first month of rent if we finally separate.

[DancingFool]

Since the apartment we liv in is on my name and I bought it with my savings and pay a mortgage on it, the only feasible way is if we seach for an apartment for her to rent.

She has a job, so she should be able to support herself if she wants. Or she also could go back to her parents. I'd gladly help her move and would also pay the first month of rent if we finally separate.

 

Read what you wrote back to yourself....... Ending this and getting her out of your life is a matter of you saving your health and sanity. You know this, so please just do it. As already pointed out, you can be nice about it, help her out a bit, but ultimately, she needs to go so please, don't drag your feet so long that you end up in a padded cell in the psych ward.

[j.man]

She'd be out on the curb the moment she woke me up at 6:00 because she wants coffee.

 

And, Jesus, don't move out of your own place for her sake and don't give her money for rent. Legally, you couldn't even kick her out without proper notice to vacate (typically 30 to 60 days) anyhow, regardless of whether or not her name's on the title (edited after reading you owned), so just break up with her and give her the time she'd have anyway to make other living arrangements. She's a woman, not a child.

 

Once she's out, you can start exploring what's going on with you that allowed you to put up with this misery, much less even hint that you could marry into it. Cycle will only repeat itself otherwise.

 

Of course all is easier said than done, but you know what you have to do.

[Keyman]

She'd be out on the curb the moment she woke me up at 6:00 because she wants coffee.

 

Damn straight on that one.

 

End this or the pain will continue. End this or you will end up married to her and she will own you more than she does now. Do not marry this woman. Being alone seems by far the better option.

[Wiseman2]

This is a better solution than suffering in silence, knowing how incompatible you are and just stringing her along further.

She has a job, so she should be able to support herself if she wants. Or she also could go back to her parents. I'd gladly help her move and would also pay the first month of rent if we finally separate.

[SweetGirl28]

I don't get very far in reading without realizing you need to get out of this forever.

I'm not even going to finish reading it, I feel bad for you! There's so much better out there.

Set her free, and go find what it is you deserve.

[DancingFool]

I don't get very far in reading without realizing you need to get out of this forever.

I'm not even going to finish reading it, I feel bad for you! There's so much better out there.

Set her free, and go find what it is you deserve.

 

lol...I'd say that she is plenty free. It's the OP who has become a prisoner in his own life and his inability to say "NO".

[SweetGirl28]

lol...I'd say that she is plenty free. It's the OP who has become a prisoner in his own life and his inability to say "NO".

 

Truth! I just meant to get rid of her, lol. I was trying to put it nicely

[DanZee]

I would add too that she is actually controlling and manipulating you in the way she acts and whines. She is controlling your life passive-aggressively with the fights, the clingy-ness and so on. It's actually emotional abuse and yes, you are being abused. And at your ages, having sex 2 times a month means the relationship is over.

 

You have to tell her that you don't love her anymore and be prepared for a lot of crying, a huge fight, and so on. You might even want to leave after you tell her if she gets too bad. I'm afraid it will take a great effort for you to get her out of your apartment. You might even want to live somewhere else and give her a month to get out. If she doesn't have you to boss around, that might be the reason she leaves. This breakup is going to be messy and you have to stand your ground. She has turned you into a former shell of yourself and for your own sake you need to get out. You have taken a lot of punishment in this relationship. It's now time to live your life and not be living hers.

[abitbroken]

Since the apartment we liv in is on my name and I bought it with my savings and pay a mortgage on it, the only feasible way is if we seach for an apartment for her to rent.

She has a job, so she should be able to support herself if she wants. Or she also could go back to her parents. I'd gladly help her move and would also pay the first month of rent if we finally separate.

 

if you bought it, it belongs to you. You do not need to search for an apartment for her to rent. You end things with her and its up to her to figure out where to live. Then you hire a cleaning service to deep clean every surface and you launder every single thing - or better yet, get new bedsheets to take out the dirty smoke stench.

 

I am a non smoker and can't stand to be in the same room with a smoker. How on earth did you get into a relationship, much less, live and be engaged to one? that i can absolutely not fathom. you need to accept that she is a smoker.

 

You say you are week - grow a backbone. If you marry her, you will be a shell of a man, working to avoid your wife.

[ControlDenied]

A good tip for a faster departure is to disconnect the internet service. :)

[Clio]

It's clear as day that you don't want to marry her. You have valid reasons for it. It sounds like she is immature as a person. However, time has shown that things are not going to change. Staying on means that you are wasting both yours and her time and that is not fair. You keep saying "not yet" when deep down you know that the real answer is "never" and that is not fair. You also keep mentioning your mother's opinion, which in my opinion shows some immaturity of your own. You have some growing up of your own to do. Your fiance definitely needs to go. You two are not a good fit, you are not good for each other and you are stunting each other's growth.

 

You also need to learn certain relationship lessons from all this or you risk repeating the same mistakes with the next person. By enabling her, being conflict avoidant, involving third parties and being indecisive you also contributed to building this relationship dynamic. It was not all her doing. You need to learn to have better boundaries with people. Overall, in my opinion you need to bite the bullet and break up. Explain to her that the relationship has run its course, you feel that you two are too different to make it happily in the long run and hence you want to break up. Then, you need to stand your ground no matter how hard she tries to manipulate your feelings and your fear of conflict. It's her responsibility to take care of herself following a break up, not yours. She needs to move out. You do need to give her some notice like the previous posts stated but that's it. There is no easy way out of this. LTR break ups are difficult no matter what. However, unless you make a stand, you will keep wasting your and her time. Good luck!

[Kluster]

Well, she lost her job. She got fired. She said that it was sudden and the company justified it with financial problems, but I'm reluctant to believe that. She might had herself fired because she didn't do her job properly.

 

Since then, she applied to many jobs, but knowing her, I don't think she could get a new job within a few months. On top of that, she smokes even more, she got up to 25-28 cigs a day, she even gets up 7-8 times at night for a smoke (and she wakes me up, because our door lock is quite noisy).

 

I'm still getting together the pros and cons (yes, I know cons outweigh the pros, but I want to be fair), and trying to work up my courage to say goodbye.

I'm pretty confident about that I can manage on my own, although my apartment would became a little messy. What I don't know is how would I feel after a few months alone in the apt, with no one to talk to. Any advice on how to handle that?

[WeDieAloneTho]

Quit dragging her around and break up with her so she can move on and find a man that will really accept all her .

[Kluster]

I revive the thread.

 

Well, back in February, I almost worked up my courage to break up... sadly almost. :(

 

Since then, 7 months passed, but nothing much changed, some things only worsened. She had a surgery and stopped smoking for 1 week because of it, then fell back and still smokes a packet a day. She constantly lies about not buying cigs. She got a job that was quite stressful and had physical simptoms caused by stress. She went from full time to part time, but now she got upset about a small issue and went on to quit her job. She did not do it, this was just a tantrum, but I'm really had enough of this.

I tried to talk with her about these issues, but it seemed that she don't think that she's at fault. In her view, she did everything right and I am the bad guy. She imagines herself a lifestyle where I work like a dog, pay for almost everything and she works from home a few hours a week, because she "don't have the work capacity" and "don't want to sit 8 hours in an office every day". Don't know about you, but I call this lazyness.

Sex went from twice a mont to once every two months. I don't even want to do her anymore. Cuddling at night is the maximum, although that still feels good.

 

This has to end, this is a breakdown that cannot be fixed. And I WILL end it.

 

I confirmed in myself that I will be able to function by myself, one week without her clearly confirmed this. I will keep the dog, that's for sure and so I will have some unconditional love to back me up in the hard times.

 

Please root for me!

[Wiseman2]

When and how if you question "functioning by yourself"?

And I WILL end it. I will be able to function by myself.

[abitbroken]

Since the apartment we liv in is on my name and I bought it with my savings and pay a mortgage on it, the only feasible way is if we seach for an apartment for her to rent.

She has a job, so she should be able to support herself if she wants. Or she also could go back to her parents. I'd gladly help her move and would also pay the first month of rent if we finally separate.

 

No. You break up with her and its not your concern what living situation she comes up with. The apartment is yours free and clear. You don't find an apartment for her.

 

I suggest you read up on Codependency.

 

 

I suggest that if you don't feel you have the courage, you have someone hold you accountable -- a close friend or your sister - the day you decide to break it off with you - have them hold you accountable by being willing to call you at a set time to ask if you have done it etc.

 

This is what is standing between you and having a miserable life for the rest of your life.