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Lack of sex but partner watches porn!


Samgirl83

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Hi I'm a 35yr old Female, I have a high sex drive but since moving in together 2yrs ago my partner doesn't seem interested in much sex.

We both work full time but he always seems tired, we have sex once or twice a week, I recently discovered he's been watching porn nearly every day (I know it's a violation of his privacy checking his internet history) so I don't understand why he hardly ever wants sex, I have no problem with porn and masturbation I do it myself but if I had the choice I'd prefer to have sex I don't understand how he can say no to sex then go watch porn instead?

 

Has anyone had similar problems and have advice on what to do or could any man on the other side help me understand from a male point of view?

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2 reasons that I can think of:

 

1.) He isn't as interested in you sexually anymore as he used to be.

 

2.) He's lazy and finds it easier to masturbate to a porno rather than to make the effort of actually having sex with you.

 

Neither reason is good, obviously.

It's probably time you had a chat with him to find out what's going on.

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It sounds like some better time, energy and household management could help. Since clearly that is when the problem began. Do you plan some relaxing romantic evenings at home? Or do you wait until bedtime when you're both exhausted to get started? Porn is an effortless easy way to get off if everyone is too preoccupied, bored or tired to bother with sex.

 

For example do you have date nights? Do you go away weekends? Or have you fallen into a domestic drudgery rut? Do you both just camp out in front of the TV? Do you just do chores errands on weekends? Playing house seems to be the main driver. You need to rethink and reorganize your days, nights, weekends and incorporate times for relaxing yet exciting sex.

 

Have either of you become too complacent? Do you both go out and see friends alone once in a while? Is there ever a chance you miss each other? Have both of you kept in shape and take care of your looks, grooming, etc?

since moving in together 2yrs ago my partner doesn't seem interested in much sex. We both work full time but he always seems tired, we have sex once or twice a week
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2 reasons that I can think of:

 

1.) He isn't as interested in you sexually anymore as he used to be.

 

2.) He's lazy and finds it easier to masturbate to a porno rather than to make the effort of actually having sex with you.

 

Neither reason is good, obviously.

It's probably time you had a chat with him to find out what's going on.

 

I don't think he's stopped being interested in me as when we do have sex it's great and we have great chemistry but laziness could be the problem he does work a physically demanding job and is often tired.

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It sounds like some better time, energy and household management could help. Since clearly that is when the problem began. Do you plan some relaxing romantic evenings at home? Or do you wait until bedtime when you're both exhausted to get started? Porn is an effortless easy way to get off if everyone is too preoccupied, bored or tired to bother with sex.

 

For example do you have date nights? Do you go away weekends? Or have you fallen into a domestic drudgery rut? Do you both just camp out in front of the TV? Do you just do chores errands on weekends? Playing house seems to be the main driver. You need to rethink and reorganize your days, nights, weekends and incorporate times for relaxing yet exciting sex.

 

Have either of you become too complacent? Do you both go out and see friends alone once in a while? Is there ever a chance you miss each other? Have both of you kept in shape and take care of your looks, grooming, etc?

 

To be honest we have got into a domestic routine and tend to sit watching TV every evening and only think about sex when in bed except for the odd time we might be watching a film with a raunchy sex scene, we rarely go out tougher as I'm not a big drinker but he goes to the pub most weekends with the lads, comes home too drunk to do anything and is too hungover the next day, we do have a night out together with friends coming Up.

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It sounds like he's comfortable with you and that the relationship has plateaued naturally. I think it's a fairly normal experience that a lot of long-term live-in couples go through. I don't know if the amount of sex is really going to change moving forward. Are you really as sexually attracted to your boyfriend as you were in the beginning? Be honest.

 

He probably loves you and enjoys the intimacy, but sexual drive is often related to new and exciting stimuli. Porn offers that variety that a monogamous sexual relationship rarely achieves. If you're still in good shape and occasionally trying new things in the bedroom, I'm sure he still enjoys sex with you. Don't equate the amount of sex you're having with how much your partner loves you. It's a trap a lot of couples get into and it really takes the joy and intimacy out of sex and turns it into a chore charged with insecurity and obligation.

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Honestly, I'd take it or leave it. Neither of you are in the wrong (well... absent invading your partner's privacy).

 

Speaking conventionally, you two are having sex regularly if you're having it once or twice a week after a couple years. I'm not a fan at all of stigmatizing people who choose not to treat full-blown intercourse as a daily or near-everyday recreational activity (nor am I of doing so for those opposite). It smacks way too much of policing other people's sexuality, which is a big no-go for me. But I guess that's just me. If he's still fitting in that intimacy and choosing to blow his load in five minutes without being responsible for someone else's orgasm in between, I'd chalk it up to it being his prerogative.

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Does he have ED issues? How old is he? This isn't about porn, this is about way too much alcohol which is an erection, libido and motivation killer.

 

Why can't you start planning romantic interesting dates on weekends that don't revolve around getting drunk? The problem is binge drinking and all the effects on sexuality and the relationship.

 

You need to address this and stop sitting home all weekend alone while his primary "mistress" is booze, not porn.

we rarely go out tougher as I'm not a big drinker but he goes to the pub most weekends with the lads, comes home too drunk to do anything and is too hungover the next day
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We have sex once or twice a week.

 

I don't think he's stopped being interested in me as when we do have sex it's great and we have great chemistry

 

 

This seems pretty typical after two years imo.

 

But if you want to kick it up a notch switch your routine of watching tv every night and overall same ole/same ole.

 

Take up a new hobby or take a class that gets you out of the house for a couple of nights a week.

 

Let him miss you!

 

It sounds a bit like you guys are stuck in a rut, which leads to boredom, which leads to him (and/or you) seeking excitement elsewhere (ie. Porn).

 

What I have learned is some men need a bit of distance to maintain their strong attraction and connection.

 

It's a challenge when living together or married but can be done and can work wonders on a relationship that's become routine/meh.

 

Also, how about watching porn together? My bf and I do! Even the hard core stuff!

 

It's exciting to do that together and can really spice things up! My bf is a photographer and we've even made our own private videos together! :eek:

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Admitting on a public forum that you make sex videos, not in the best taste in my opinion.

 

But hey, if she wants to talk like that, so be it.

 

This forum isn’t to judge but to give advice. That seems more judgmental than helpful. If that’s how Kat spices up her relationship, and it’s the advice she’s giving to OP, then kudos [emoji847]

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Are you kidding? Everyone on here judges what people do and challenges others opinions.

 

If someone makes sex videos and are happy with that, good on them, but I don't feel it's in the best taste to be sharing that on the internet or on an advice forum.

 

We have different opinions. That's fine, but I don't see it like you do.

 

Thanks.

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This forum isn’t to judge but to give advice. That seems more judgmental than helpful. If that’s how Kat spices up her relationship, and it’s the advice she’s giving to OP, then kudos [emoji847]

 

Agree completely.

 

Also, this is an anonymous forum. People reveal many personal details here (note I did not use the word "admit" because there is no need for shame). I don't know if that means its public, in this context.

 

Re all matters sexual - our own bodies, our own choices. Its like hiking: Take nothing but pictures, Leave no trace but affection. ha.

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There is also a difference between advising to spice their life up and giving suggestions as opposed to saying.."hey, me and my boyfriend make sex videos".

 

She’s using that as a real world example. I imagine to try and make it more relatable instead of stigmatize it. She’s not saying they SHOULD do that.

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This seems pretty typical after two years imo.

 

But if you want to kick it up a notch switch your routine of watching tv every night and overall same ole/same ole.

 

Take up a new hobby or take a class that gets you out of the house for a couple of nights a week.

 

Let him miss you!

 

It sounds a bit like you guys are stuck in a rut, which leads to boredom, which leads to him (and/or you) seeking excitement elsewhere (ie. Porn).

 

What I have learned is some men need a bit of distance to maintain their strong attraction and connection.

 

It's a challenge when living together or married but can be done and can work wonders on a relationship that's become routine/meh.

 

Also, how about watching porn together? My bf and I do! Even the hard core stuff!

 

It's exciting to do that together and can really spice things up! My bf is a photographer and we've even made our own private videos together! :eek:

 

btw, us too. His pics/vids of me are so incredibly raw and powerful. If they weren't so personal, I would call it salable art. And I've zero concerns regarding privacy, security, and respect for me in the event we split. They are on lock down, even if camera or memory is stolen.

 

SherrySher, I work in an industry wherein I see people's personal financial information in detail, and I see the inside of their homes. There are people who are free from public scandal, respected by their industry peers and both political parties (in the US), old enough to have grandchildren, in decades of faithful matrimony, and with more bedroom leather than a Dom/sub convention.

 

People's private time is a judgment free zone.

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Thnx MLD. And IMCA.

 

I'm sorry what I wrote offends you Sherry or TMI, not my intention at all.

 

Just sharing one (or actually two) of the things my bf and I do to keep our sex life exciting. That's all.

 

This is the sex section after all, I've read much more sexually explicit things from some posters!

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Thnx MLD.

 

I'm sorry what I wrote offends you Sherry or TMI, not my intention at all.

 

Just sharing one of things my bf and I do to keep our sex life exciting. That's all.

 

We give "this worked for me" examples on here all the time. No big deal.

 

I am not into making videos that would be of interest on porn hub or such, but of interest to him as my bf and as a photographer. It isn't an objectification of us, it is an expression of our personal connecrion.

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Still don't agree with you all.

 

Agree to disagree.

 

Sherry, fwiw I do get your point.

 

Some things are to be left private between the couple. Out of respect. Even on an anonymous forum.

 

Which is why I would never go into explicit detail about the things we do sexually.

 

Which no doubt would disrupt the sensibilities of some people! Lol. Even on a sex forum.

 

And are private between us.

 

But honestly I saw nothing wrong with posting that we make private videos or watch porn together.

 

Agree to disagree and again I am sorry you found it TMI.

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Some things are to be left private between the couple. Out of respect. Even on an anonymous forum.

 

This was basically my thoughts, yes.

 

I just thought it made more sense to suggest to the OP that possibly she could spice things up with making her own sex videos, rather than to start talking about your own sex videos.

 

But no worries. Thanks for seeing both side, Kat. Much appreciated.

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Soooo back to the OP problem...

 

If he is to tired at the end of the day then wake him up early with some gentle touching and kissing and see what happens. Pretty good way to start a day right?

 

This isn't about you so don't go there and to much porn can be a problem. There are so many threads on this forum from a woman just like you wondering why it started off great but then her bf/husband gets himself off 4-5 times a week but won't touch her.

 

There is a certain amount of fantasy and a certain amount of selfishness and yes even laziness in getting off to porn instead of focusing on your partner. He doesn't have to worry about pleasing you, he can get himself off and get one with whatever and he simply doesn't have to put in much effort.

 

Personally I don't get it, a real life woman is a million times better than porn, she is real, porn is not.

 

Try the morning thing and see how it goes, at least if you do it in the morning he won't have time to wear himself out to porn!

 

Lost

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