I'm getting married and feel really uncomfortable with my fiance's groomsman

[Tinydance]

I'm getting married in a year. My fiance has asked this guy, let's call him *John, to be one of his groomsmen and I feel really uncomfortable with John. At first I didn't actually even realise that John is supposedly a good friend of my fiance because he never really hangs out with him. My fiance is from interstate and didn't make many close friends in this city. He always just adds people to Facebook that he only just met and invites them to parties. I thought John was just one of those "mass invite" people that he was inviting to parties.

 

I met John a couple of times at my boyfriend's parties and John friend requested me on Facebook, so I accepted the request and I was trying to be friendly. I even invited him to my Birthday drinks last year and to a movie night at my place.

 

Then I started to notice that John is really weird and gives off a creepy vibe, but above all that he's also really rude. He seems to have no idea about politeness or how to behave socially, so I wasn't sure if he may be on the autism spectrum. However I do have a couple of friends on the autism spectrum and they are nice people and not creepy.

 

One thing I will mention though is that one time at a party, my female best friend and I were really drunk and we were talking to John and we said that we would like to have group sex with people at the party. I actually am interested in that but not with John specifically as I don't find him attractive or like his personality, but I guess we only blurted it out because we were really wasted.

 

Anyway, so after that John kept hitting on my best friend and I but we were not actually into him so we ignored his advances (which he was doing in a creepy way without any consent). Also my fiance and I are not in a polyamorous relationship, we are only interested in having a threesome or group sex with people with consent and boundaries.

 

Here are some examples of John's rude and creepy behaviours:

 

* At my fiance's Birthday, he just randomly put his arm around me and kept it there until I pushed it off.

 

* My best friend went to the toilet, then went to the bathroom to wash her hands. John followed her into the bathroom and just stood there and stared at her, never said a word.

 

* At another party, John had just arrived so was not drunk. I was sitting on a chair on the opposite side of the room from him, not doing anything. John randomly came over and began lap dancing on me and grinding his crotch on me with no invitation or consent from me. My fiance was right there but he was really drunk and didn't notice.

 

* My fiance and I broke up briefly more than a year ago. Him and John were out at a bar and my fiance went home. John messaged me on Facebook late at night and was like: "I'm out at a bar, do you wanna join me? Let's go out together." Like he was basically booty calling me/hitting on me as soon as my boyfriend, his supposed good friend, went home.

 

* My fiance was at a friend's Birthday at a bar and he checked in on Facebook where he was. John was not invited and my fiance didn't tell him to come. But he saw the check-in so knew the location and he just randomly showed up there without even asking if he could come!

 

* John had asked my best friend for a lift after a party which was not in her direction at all. She felt pressured so gave a lift and he didn't even thank her at all.

 

* At another get together, all of us wanted to get Domino's pizza and one girl was vegan and Domino's had some vegan options. John loudly and rudely repeated many times that Dominos is crap and he doesn't want it and that we all can't get it because he doesn't like it. He has NO special dietary requirements by the way.

 

After observing all this, both my best friend and I really didn't like John. I actually thought that maybe John was more like a "friend of convenience" to my fiance because my fiance never really hangs out with anyone and isn't really close to anyone in this city (all his good friends are interstate). So I deleted John from Facebook but my best friend never actually deleted him.

 

John never contacted me or anything afterwards to work it out. My fiance invited him to come along to a New Year's event with us and John never said one word to my best friend or I and only spoke to my fiance.

 

So you can imagine my surprise and shock when my fiance told me that he has asked John to be one of his groomsmen! I'm having five bridesmaids so I wasn't sure if he was struggling to find five groomsmen too because he has already asked three friends from interstate to fly in for the wedding. By the way, prior to John being a groomsman I did speak to my fiance about John's behaviour but my fiance didn't seem concerned and didn't care that John had hit on me and lap danced on me.

 

My fiance and I made a "save the date" Facebook invitation and fiance said that Facebook isn't letting him invite John to the event (we are both FB event hosts). He asked me if I had blocked John but I hadn't! Anyway so then we checked and it turns out that John blocked ME and he also blocked my best friend (who had not even deleted him off FB).

 

My fiance and I had a quick conversation about that and my fiance just said to me: "I know you don't like John but he's my really good friend".

 

At this point I never actually said I don't want John in the bridal party because I don't want to be a bridezilla and control my fiance. But do you think I have grounds to say something about this? I mean, this is also my wedding and I don't mind if John is a guest at the wedding but we are talking being in the bridal party together. My best friend is a bridesmaid and we both feel very uncomfortable and creeped out by John.

 

But on the other hand my fiance wants him there so it's important to him...? What do I do?

[Batya33]

Since your wedding is a year away would you consider having a smaller bridal party -if John isn't such a good friend maybe with only one or two attendants he won't make the cut. I wasn't interested in having a formal wedding reception to celebrate our wedding (in part because I had no interest in dealing with the details of a bridal party -been there done that with a cancelled wedding) - so I had a matron of honor and my husband had a best man. Part of the downside of having a larger bridal party/reception is having to deal with these kinds of situations.

[Annia]

What is a matron of honor? Is it a maid of honor?

 

But I agree, small weddings take away all these issues and make it so that only close people attend the wedding. I get petrified with the idea of marrying in a big wedding with lots of people, so I know that if I ever get married it'll have to be a small, intime wedding with only very close family and friends. That might be the way for you of excluding the "bad seeds" of the wedding.

[RedDress]

What is a matron of honor? Is it a maid of honor?

 

Maid = unmarried woman

Matron = married woman

 

Same thing. It reflects the marital status of the woman standing up for you. Once you are married, you aren’t a “maid” anymore.

 

I love the idea of simply having a smaller wedding party... but barring that... my vote would be to just let it go.

 

The guy hasn’t done anything horrible. He’s just weird and unsavory and (understandably) not your favorite person. Oh well. Your fiancé wants him there. My advice would be to just forget about it and concentrate on your future hunband and the other 9 people in the wedding party.

 

You have to choose your battles in relationships and in life. I wouldn’t choose this battle, personally.

[Batya33]

What is a matron of honor? Is it a maid of honor?

 

But I agree, small weddings take away all these issues and make it so that only close people attend the wedding. I get petrified with the idea of marrying in a big wedding with lots of people, so I know that if I ever get married it'll have to be a small, intime wedding with only very close family and friends. That might be the way for you of excluding the "bad seeds" of the wedding.

 

I never understand why people refer to the wedding reception as "the wedding". The wedding, to me, is the ceremony where you exchange vows and the reception is the party to celebrate the wedding. I loved my wedding so much - we had 10 or 11 people total and we had lunch after. My husband would have been fine to have a party later to celebrate (after the baby was born!) and I didn't want to do that kind of planning//spend that kind of money. As it was we celebrated my inlaws' 50th anniversary 6 months after our wedding so we had the opportunity to see lots of family and friends there.

[mustlovedogs]

I never understand why people refer to the wedding reception as "the wedding". The wedding, to me, is the ceremony where you exchange vows and the reception is the party to celebrate the wedding. I loved my wedding so much - we had 10 or 11 people total and we had lunch after. My husband would have been fine to have a party later to celebrate (after the baby was born!) and I didn't want to do that kind of planning//spend that kind of money. As it was we celebrated my inlaws' 50th anniversary 6 months after our wedding so we had the opportunity to see lots of family and friends there.

 

Where in her post did she mix up wedding ceremony and reception?

[Annia]

I never understand why people refer to the wedding reception as "the wedding". The wedding, to me, is the ceremony where you exchange vows and the reception is the party to celebrate the wedding. I loved my wedding so much - we had 10 or 11 people total and we had lunch after. My husband would have been fine to have a party later to celebrate (after the baby was born!) and I didn't want to do that kind of planning//spend that kind of money. As it was we celebrated my inlaws' 50th anniversary 6 months after our wedding so we had the opportunity to see lots of family and friends there.

 

English is not my language so I don't know these terms very well. In my country we use our word for "wedding" for both the wedding ceremony and reception but in English I always forget the term for both situations.

 

In my country the wedding reception/party is usually right after the wedding ceremony at church with the same people who attended the church ceremony at another location and that's probably why we don't make distinction in the wording. I don't intend to marry on church but whatever, both the wedding ceremony with the exchange of vows and the wedding reception seem daunting/uncomfortable to me personally if there are many attendants (which is usually the case in my country or at least every wedding I've attendeda). I could even do without a wedding reception and just do the wedding ceremony but that seems to be an alien concept in my culture haha

 

But back to topic I think that on big wedding receptions there's this almost "obligation" of inviting people we don't want to because it can cause conflict inviting some and not inviting others. I'd try to ignore this John dude as much as possible until the wedding if he really has to attend.

[Batya33]

She didn’t. I was referring to another post. It’s just an observation that many assume that the wedding is the party rather than the ceremony. To me personally it makes a difference because to me the only important part is the wedding - getting married - so it’s not “big” or “small” - seems that many get so caught up in the party they plan more for the reception than the marriage.

[Annia]

She didn’t. I was referring to another post. It’s just an observation that many assume that the wedding is the party rather than the ceremony. To me personally it makes a difference because to me the only important part is the wedding - getting married - so it’s not “big” or “small” - seems that many get so caught up in the party they plan more for the reception than the marriage.

 

I agree with you. What matters to me most is the exchange of the vows/ceremony but yes, most people I know spend all their money and energy on the wedding reception/party.

[Batya33]

I agree with you. What matters to me most is the exchange of the vows/ceremony but yes, most people I know spend all their money and energy on the wedding reception/party.

 

Yes and sorry if this is a tangent(!) but it gets more and more detailed - weekends of pre-wedding celebrations, huge showers, bachelor party weekends, nitty gritty focus on photography, table themes, etc. I remember the first time a friend registered for "gift cards" and we gasped at the "ok just give me $ ok?" and now it's routine. I planned our wedding in under 6 weeks including my dress, shoes (which took longer than the dress), place, cake, and honeymoon, when/how to get the license. Even though only our immediate family and a very few friends were there many sent us gifts (likely because we'd sent them gifts when they married) and we had no registry. We did have a baby registry but no baby shower. I went out for dinner with two good friends in lieu of a bachelorette party and we didn't want a bridal shower or bachelor party. And it was magical and natural rolled into one -never quite felt that way in my life when we took our vows. Lots of laughter, love, hugs, good food (Italian!) great wedding cake and champagne sent by a family friend who wasn't there. (for everyone else, not me given the pregnancy!).

 

So, OP I agree that you need to just smile and overlook this kind of off guy but also consider since it is a year away, downsizing and keeping things simple because if it's a whole year out and there's already this kind of issue you can bet that your fiancee is going to want to invite/include others who are not to your liking -for the reason someone else said -once you make it big you don't have the excuse of excluding someone "because it's small". And you seem to have an issue with that concept which is fine -but then just consider downsizing. 9 is an awful lot -are they all supposed to pay for their own dresses and accessories? (Way back when in the early 90s often the bride paid for most if not all of the dresses she chose).

 

Anyway congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!

[RedDress]

She didn’t. I was referring to another post.

 

Were you referring to my post?

 

“Wedding party” is a term that refers to all the people standing up in the wedding (bridal party, attendants, etc).

 

I wasn’t talking about the size of the reception...

 

Just clarifying because I’m not sure if that was unclear in my post...

[Annia]

So, OP I agree that you need to just smile and overlook this kind of off guy but also consider since it is a year away, downsizing and keeping things simple because if it's a whole year out and there's already this kind of issue you can bet that your fiancee is going to want to invite/include others who are not to your liking -for the reason someone else said -once you make it big you don't have the excuse of excluding someone "because it's small". And you seem to have an issue with that concept which is fine -but then just consider downsizing. 9 is an awful lot -are they all supposed to pay for their own dresses and accessories? (Way back when in the early 90s often the bride paid for most if not all of the dresses she chose).

 

Anyway congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!!

 

I don't know if it's like that the where the OP lives, but I was bridesmaid in a wedding about 2 years ago and I payed for my dress. But in this case we could choose the dress as long as it respected the colour scheme the bride wanted. I think nowadays it's different.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps ask your fiance to downgrade him to guest rather than wedding party. This way your fiance can still have his friend there, but he won't be as involved or in your face as much. There will be less events he's involved in and won't interface with the rest of the bridal party who are "creeped out" by him..

My best friend is a bridesmaid and we both feel very uncomfortable and creeped out by John. But on the other hand my fiance wants him there so it's important to him...?

[Batya33]

Were you referring to my post?

 

“Wedding party” is a term that refers to all the people standing up in the wedding (bridal party, attendants, etc).

 

I wasn’t talking about the size of the reception...

 

Just clarifying because I’m not sure if that was unclear in my post...

 

No lol and really no worries -it's not wrong - it's just a very personal minor pet peeve on my part. Sorry for any confusion!!

[Batya33]

Perhaps ask your fiance to downgrade him to guest rather than wedding party. This way your fiance can still have his friend there, but he won't be as involved or in your face as much. There will be less events he's involved in and won't interface with the rest of the bridal party who are "creeped out" by him..

 

I personally wouldn't do that. It's an honor to be a groomsman and it's offensive to downgrade unless the reason is "we've now decided we are only doing family" - or we've now decided not to have a bridal party, etc.