How do you lift a heavy heart?

[Gingiexo]

I'm going to hold my hands up and admit that I'm an idiotic hopeless romantic.

 

In the last two years I've broken my own heart 4 times.

 

My relationship history is confusing, but it all started with the break up of my first serious loving relationship. Followed by involving myself with unavailable men and then being the unavailable woman to an incredible man.

 

I feel that in all of these instances I've broken my own heart by not giving myself time to recover and be on my own to grow stronger.

 

After my most recent breakup of an 'almost relationship' a week ago, I find myself thinking of all of my exes.

I'm missing them all in their own unique way and my heart feels so broken and heavy.

 

I had 2 amazing guys in my life, I ruined those relationships. The first by cheating and the second by leading him on because I was too afraid to be alone and lose him

 

How do I shift this sadness?

 

How do I let go of all of the heartbreak I've caused myself and the horrible mistakes that I've made and just be at peace with myself?

 

I'm 23 and this all seems too much to bear at this age

[melancholy123]

Perhaps some counseling would help you as well as shed some light on why you behave as you do.

[Rose Mosse]

Perhaps be still and look at what you do have (instead of what you don't have or have lost). I feel like you've been struggling for a long time. Be still for a couple of weeks, enjoy the silence, don't feel obligated to respond to messages or phone calls right away. You'll grow stronger and stronger when you can feel your own heartbeat. By that I mean, your rhythm and your own pulse - when you start to feel the nerves in your body again and your thoughts grow independently of what others think of you. You'll slowly start to write your own book (metaphorically) and relearn or reprogram your reality: right from wrong, good from bad, yes from no. You'll relearn how to be you again. Give yourself time to emerge. You've been asleep for awhile.

[Wiseman2]

OK some short term therapy to talk out and work out some of these self defeating thoughts and behaviors would help you. Also it may help you to see things more realistically rather than calling yourself a "hopeless romantic" and thinking all men are unavailable or commitmentphobes. Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting single available men you don't work with.

 

Romance movies and finding dates, relationships, etc in real life are two different things. As long as you live in a dreamland of "hopeless romantic" ironically you'll never find it. If you are depressed, consider making an appt with a doctor make sure you not just chasing self created drama.

I'm going to hold my hands up and admit that I'm an idiotic hopeless romantic.

I'm 23 and this all seems too much to bear at this age

[Billie28]

You are not a hopeless romantic.

You wouldn’t cheat on someone if you were.

You also wouldn’t be unavailable to men who did want a relationship with you if you were.

 

To the contrary I suspect you are a commitment phobe which is actually more internally damaging that being a hopeless romantic.

 

You have sabotaged your relationships even before they began. Why?

[catfeeder]

I've always found it helpful to motivate myself with my goals for a healthy, stable future, which can only include a healthy and stable relationship if I can reach my own private high ground. That's the only platform from which anyone is capable of finding and maintaining true simpatico with a GOOD match. Dabbling in dating or hookups before then would only set me up to keep spinning myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. Have you noticed?

 

Keeping my focus on my own growth and development and ability to build stronger bonds with loved ones is what permits me to enjoy the rewards of living solo on solid ground. It's raised my perceptions beyond the stuff that would keep focused on a miserable man hunt. I'd rather attain my own goals and feel confident and happy on my own, and this buys me confidence in my ability to screen out bad matches without investing in them--and to recognize true simpatico when I find it.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds. The goal of dating is to allow bad matches to pass early, and this will enable you to appreciate true simpatico when you find it. You can't find it until you're willing to BECOME the person your dream partner would be willing to date. Anything less will only buy you less, and you're already clear about how that works out.

 

Head high, and shoot for your high ground. You will thank yourself later.

[Cinder]

Catfeeder,

 

I am new to these forums, and think your posts are very enlightening, positive, and right on the money.

 

That said -

 

I do think this whole "self development" religion that has been all the rage the past few years is a LITTLE too focused on the self, as opposed to learning how to nurture a loving relationship.

 

All relationships take work...even the GOOD matches. How will someone ever learn to love the right way, if they are holding back and too focused on themselves?

 

There are even philosophies that say until you can learn to be vulnerable to your partner and love them first, you cannot truly love yourself. I'm not sure I would go that far, but in my experience of relationships...it's a balance of staying involved in your own passions, but at the same time, providing your partner with adequate time to bond. That means doing things maybe you don't like doing. It's just part of dating...sharing experiences together....learning...growing...evolving through mistakes...

 

If you just bail without investing...ehhh...seems like that will be a long lonely journey. Sure you'll be happy with friends, but life is much better shared with a partner...

 

Just my thoughts. They are subject to change :-)

 

PS - your quote is so dead on.

[catfeeder]

Catfeeder,

 

I am new to these forums, and think your posts are very enlightening, positive, and right on the money.

 

That said -

 

I do think this whole "self development" religion that has been all the rage the past few years is a LITTLE too focused on the self, as opposed to learning how to nurture a loving relationship.

 

All relationships take work...even the GOOD matches. How will someone ever learn to love the right way, if they are holding back and too focused on themselves?

 

There are even philosophies that say until you can learn to be vulnerable to your partner and love them first, you cannot truly love yourself. I'm not sure I would go that far, but in my experience of relationships...it's a balance of staying involved in your own passions, but at the same time, providing your partner with adequate time to bond. That means doing things maybe you don't like doing. It's just part of dating...sharing experiences together....learning...growing...evolving through mistakes...

 

If you just bail without investing...ehhh...seems like that will be a long lonely journey. Sure you'll be happy with friends, but life is much better shared with a partner...

 

Just my thoughts. They are subject to change :-)

 

PS - your quote is so dead on.

 

I can appreciate this, Cinder. My take on the original topic was that we're talking about getting over a breakup and breakups in our past. So when there's no partner in the picture, it's pretty difficult to apply even the best partnership advice to anyone but ourselves and those in our lives who we value in non-romantic ways. Once we're grounded and stabilized, then I'm all for pursuing another partner with whom we can grow and evolve as you've described.

 

Your thoughts are lovely, and thank you.

[Cherylyn]

You shift your sadness by changing the way you think.

 

You learn from your mistakes, become wiser and learn how to navigate your future relationships wisely. You will exercise self-control. You'll know better in the future and starting today.

 

With newfound wisdom, you will gain strength to carry on as opposed to wallowing in your misery.

 

You're young at 23. You still have your entire lifetime ahead of you. Chin up. All was not all in vain. Consider your past harsh, hard lessons learned. You're not alone. We all learn from bad mistakes, bad behaviors and we all ask ourselves, "How could I have been a better person in the past?" It's part of growing up no matter what your age.

 

Take your negative past experiences as wisdom gained and use what you've learned to be a better, decent human being for your future relationships. This is what I do. Put the past behind you and start anew. Wipe your slate clean and start all over. Everyone does.

 

Learn to forgive yourself and trust your better judgment in the future and starting today. Think long and hard and often. Think clearly between right and wrong behavior. Become considerate, respectful and empathetic toward others. You'll like yourself better for it and others will appreciate your showing them respect and consideration.

 

Don't beat yourself up anymore. Get up, dust yourself off and be strong. Become smarter. This is your key takeaway: WISDOM GAINED.