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Girlfriend misgenders me..


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I came out to my girlfriend as non-binary recently, and asked her to use they/them instead of female pronouns. She said it was fine and would they/them. Although, she continued to use she/her pronouns when referring to me when talking to friends. She sent me a screen cap of a text conversation, and used female pronouns when referring to me. She would post to her social media things like ‘love my girlfriend’, ‘happy bday to the best girlfriend ever’ ‘happy national gf day’. When I asked why she did it, she said she didn’t know and kept them up. She seems to refuse to use the pronouns I feel comfortable with. Sometimes she just spaces between the letters in girlfriend when talking to me, “you’re a great g i r l f r i e n d”. I don’t know if she’s doing it to get a reaction, to make me more upset after we fight, or simply doesn’t care/doesn’t recognize it. I feel kind of annoying when I constantly correct her over and over. What should I do..? Thanks ! 🙂

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So how WOULD you phrase the above? As in, if the girlfriend was asked if you were a good partner? Is they a good partner? Is them a good partner? Is it a good partner? What?

 

You need to chill on the pronouns. It's a habit and one that people don't even think about. If I decided one day to change my name and told people to start calling me George, I think that would be hard for people to keep up with and how would it help if all I did was get mad at them about it for not doing what *I* wanted?

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I think your particular complaints here are way too high maintenance and you are asking a lot of her. I have a friend who decided to change her first name after she married and she was completely patient and tolerant when I forgot to use it. Just like I understand when people hyphenate my maiden and married name or call me by my maiden name. Sometimes I correct the person if relevant (if I think the person wasn't aware or, in one case, because she sent me a check made out to my maiden name).

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So how WOULD you phrase the above? As in, if the girlfriend was asked if you were a good partner? Is they a good partner? Is them a good partner? Is it a good partner? What?

 

You need to chill on the pronouns. It's a habit and one that people don't even think about. If I decided one day to change my name and told people to start calling me George, I think that would be hard for people to keep up with and how would it help if all I did was get mad at them about it for not doing what *I* wanted?

 

Is your 'themfriend' nice?

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I don't want to start any arguments here but you are all being quite rude and disrespectful. I'm bisexual and have lots of other GLBTIQ friends and yes, non-binary is a gender and YES people can identify as "them" and YES that is THEIR choice. Being non-binary and bisexual is entirely different. Non-binary is a gender, not a sexuality. You are all being quite ignorant and rude to this person who asked for support.

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I don’t think I was being rude. Why can’t the partner call the person by their name exclusively? Being asked to instantly change the way you have learned to speak your entire life doesn’t happen over night. Referring to a person exclusively by their name can alleviate that.

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If it's very important to you, maybe have a nice non confrontational convo letting her know that. See what she says, try not to assume a negative intent here. Especially if your relationship is otherwise good. If it's not, that's a whole bigger issue to address.

 

I know I try to be respectful of how others may wish to be addressed, but yes I screw up. It's habit, and trying to establish a new one. This goes back to the good will already there or not... and trying both ways to extend patience and understanding.

Good luck.

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OP, your girlfriend needs time to adjust, too.

 

It could simply be habit at this point. I would try to be a little more patient with her while she gets used to this. If you find that she continuously and purposefully uses feminine pronouns even after some time has passed, then I would talk to her again and ask if she is actually comfortable with your identity and wants to continue the relationship.

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I don't want to start any arguments here but you are all being quite rude and disrespectful. I'm bisexual and have lots of other GLBTIQ friends and yes, non-binary is a gender and YES people can identify as "them" and YES that is THEIR choice. Being non-binary and bisexual is entirely different. Non-binary is a gender, not a sexuality. You are all being quite ignorant and rude to this person who asked for support.

Not to be rude but can you explain why a woman needs to be referred to as they/them? When did this "preference" start and why is it necessary for some people. Why is it such a bone of contention that they be referred to as someone's "girlfriend."

 

It's getting beyond acceptable to have to "accept" these changes particularly when we are born with a penis we are a him/his/male and if we have a vagina we are a her/hers/female. Not a they or a them.

 

Can you explain why the they/them?

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I don't want to start any arguments here but you are all being quite rude and disrespectful. I'm bisexual and have lots of other GLBTIQ friends and yes, non-binary is a gender and YES people can identify as "them" and YES that is THEIR choice. Being non-binary and bisexual is entirely different. Non-binary is a gender, not a sexuality. You are all being quite ignorant and rude to this person who asked for support.

 

I am not trying to be rude, please explain what non binary means. I cant be the only one who is not sure.

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Not to be rude but can you explain why a woman needs to be referred to as they/them? When did this "preference" start and why is it necessary for some people. Why is it such a bone of contention that they be referred to as someone's "girlfriend."

 

It's getting beyond acceptable to have to "accept" these changes particularly when we are born with a penis we are a him/his/male and if we have a vagina we are a her/hers/female. Not a they or a them.

 

Can you explain why the they/them?

 

Well that is not really up to you to say what is acceptable. I'm not non-binary but I have friends and know people that are. I know it's probably not as common but gender and sexuality can actually be fluid. Not everyone feels like they are strictly male or female. Most people may identify as male or female but some don't. Some people don't feel a connection with those genders or they may actually feel male some days and female other days. It is an actual thing and if you Google it you will see a lot of information about it. Just because you have no knowledge of it yourself does not mean it doesn't exist.

 

In life we should be respectful and kind to other people. Let's say if you don't like your name and you decide to change it. Some people may not like your new name, think it's silly or whatever. And not understand why they should have to call you by your new name. But it's your decision and it's how you feel. If other people don't like it, it's none of their business because this is your life and not theirs.

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Well that is not really up to you to say what is acceptable. I'm not non-binary but I have friends and know people that are. I know it's probably not as common but gender and sexuality can actually be fluid. Not everyone feels like they are strictly male or female. Most people may identify as male or female but some don't. Some people don't feel a connection with those genders or they may actually feel male some days and female other days. It is an actual thing and if you Google it you will see a lot of information about it. Just because you have no knowledge of it yourself does not mean it doesn't exist.
Well, I didn't say it didn't exist. I know it exists.

 

In life we should be respectful and kind to other people.
yes lets...

 

Let's say if you don't like your name and you decide to change it. Some people may not like your new name, think it's silly or whatever. And not understand why they should have to call you by your new name. But it's your decision and it's how you feel. If other people don't like it, it's none of their business because this is your life and not theirs.
Please, this is not about name changing it is about changing the term for who you actually are. That's a tad more hard to accept especially for people who grew up without people actually thinking they were male one day and female the next.

 

No disrespect intended but really, perhaps being a tad more tolerant to those that can't quite rap their head around it is also in order here.

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Well, I didn't say it didn't exist. I know it exists.

 

yes lets...

 

Please, this is not about name changing it is about changing the term for who you actually are. That's a tad more hard to accept especially for people who grew up without people actually thinking they were male one day and female the next.

 

No disrespect intended but really, perhaps being a tad more tolerant to those that can't quite rap their head around it is also in order here.

 

Well people don't always stay the same gender their whole life. Sometimes people realise they are transgender later in life. Especially older people become another gender later on because it wasn't accepted in the past. Now they feel they can transition to the gender they really want to be. Yes it is probably difficult to get used to it but for the sake of the person e.g. partner, effort needs to be made to make them feel valued as the new person they are. I mean deep down they are still the same personality.

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Okay - so you were the exact same person as you were last year and you have decided that you have no gender.

If you are upset your girlfriend, who has known you as female all this time calls you by your birth name and says 'she', you want to die on that hill?

You are the exact same person with the same appearance. nothing has changed about you.

People who changed their name when they became famous still are called by their original name by their Grandma. I am sure Lady Gaga's grandma called her Stephanie and not Gaga. So ease up a little on her.

 

Have you sought counseling to work through your issues before insisting everyone calls you 'it"?

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Well people don't always stay the same gender their whole life.
SOME people don't always stay the same gender their whole life I understand. They change. (Don't understand people like Kaitlin Jenner though who just get boobs and keep their penis... Now to me, that's being "fluid.")

 

Sometimes people realise they are transgender later in life. Especially older people become another gender later on because it wasn't accepted in the past. Now they feel they can transition to the gender they really want to be.
Again I understand that and they have the operation and take the hormones. They are not a woman one day and a man the next.

 

Yes it is probably difficult to get used to it but for the sake of the person e.g. partner, effort needs to be made to make them feel valued as the new person they are. I mean deep down they are still the same personality.
I agree and I think it goes both ways. Perhaps the Op should be a tad more understanding try not to get so bent out of shape because her GIRLFRIEND likes to refer her as her girlfriend so until they invent a term for the partner of someone fluid, (Hi, this is my Fuidfriend?) what is the big deal calling her her girlfriend when she is by gender in the definition of the word "woman", a girl?

 

BTW: Thank you for your reply and explanations.

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SOME people don't always stay the same gender their whole life I understand. They change. (Don't understand people like Kaitlin Jenner though who just get boobs and keep their penis... Now to me, that's being "fluid.")

 

Again I understand that and they have the operation and take the hormones. They are not a woman one day and a man the next.

 

I agree and I think it goes both ways. Perhaps the Op should be a tad more understanding try not to get so bent out of shape because her GIRLFRIEND likes to refer her as her girlfriend so until they invent a term for the partner of someone fluid, (Hi, this is my Fuidfriend?) what is the big deal calling her her girlfriend when she is by gender in the definition of the word "woman", a girl?

 

BTW: Thank you for your reply and explanations.

 

You’re being very rude, for the record.

 

Your opinion WRT the OP is irrelevant. OP doesn’t define as either gender, and that’s their choice.

 

It’s not invented, it’s becoming pretty common. You’re coming off as quite bigoted so if I were you I’d quit arguing.

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You’re being very rude, for the record.

 

Your opinion WRT the OP is irrelevant. OP doesn’t define as either gender, and that’s their choice.

 

It’s not invented, it’s becoming pretty common. You’re coming off as quite bigoted so if I were you I’d quit arguing.

 

It's equally 'rude' to call someone a bigot because she cannot adjust to this modern lunacy of changing genders, which by the way, is impossible. If 'gender' is however you feel on a particular day, you'll need to come up with a new term, because gender has always referred to male or female. Even in Latin-derivative languages, 'gender' is about male and female words.

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