Interest

[thewildseas]

Hello,

 

I am female and I have a male friend that I have known for a few years. I recently started liking him as more than a friend.

12 months ago he came out of a rough relationship and 8 months ago I came out of a rough relationship. His ex and my ex were both very similar and we have spent many hours chatting about what happened in our relationships and what went wrong etc

We seem to have the same trouble finding others who wont take advantage of our kind and caring hearts - him and I are very similar in a lot of ways. I have never really seen him as more than a friend until a few months ago.

 

He has always been there for me and helped me when I needed and vice versa. He has never ever indicated to me that he likes me as more than a friend and i dont want to ruin our friendship by making moves on him.

 

He recently stated to me that he is getting to that age where people are questioning him about why isn't he married yet. I dropped a comment to him the other day telling him i think he looked hot and he said thanks for the compliment and drifted off into another conversation. I thought that comment may have given him an opening to say something but it didn't. I would say based on that he is not interested.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? We are both single now and we have both made it clear to each other, we're looking for partners to settle with. I just don't think he sees me as more than a friend.

[Jibralta]

Well, you could point-blank just tell him how you feel.

[thewildseas]

Well, you could point-blank just tell him how you feel.

I wont do that, no way. He is a very good friend to me and I don't want to do anything to mess things up.

[Jibralta]

Well, subtlety has gotten you nowhere. What are your other options? Also, how would making a plain statement of truth mess up your friendship? Are you only hanging around because you like him?

[Wiseman2]

Try not to ruin the friendship by transferring your recent breakup issues and loneliness etc onto this friend. Date other people if you are ready to date but keep your boundaries with friends intact.

8 months ago I came out of a rough relationship. He has never ever indicated to me that he likes me as more than a friend and i dont want to ruin our friendship by making moves on him.

[thisisrichey]

I wont do that, no way. He is a very good friend to me and I don't want to do anything to mess things up.

Okay.. but don't you think he's thinking the same way about you if he's interested (aka "i dont' want to mess things up with a good friend.. no wway i won't do that!")?

 

so here you two are.. possibly into each other AND NEITHER mentioning it to each other. what a waste.

[DaisyMayPorter]

You shouldn't tell him but maybe show him. Like give him a bigger, longer hug, or maybe kiss him on the cheek... if this is really what you want. Hopefully it's not just because you're suddenly single and maybe lonely?

[abitbroken]

I would tread carefully here because you both sound like you would be on the rebound.

 

If you REALLY think this is not the case, then I would try to stop being his therapist. Pull back from that role and see what happens.

 

BTW, how did he treat you while he was in a relationship - did he confide in you behind the gf's back?

 

I agree with Daisy -- i would try to get out with other friends or dates as well just to see if you are lonely or you are really interested.

[James516]

The scenario that you describe is two people in a dry spell and you're looking at the easiest route to solve that - your friend. Doesn't sound like he is on board with that and you are only able to float random hints which is good. Settling for the closest target is not an answer. The advice given to date others first is excellent to help you sort where you are at before slothing into something that may end up ruining a good friendship and not be as fulfilling or the problem solver that you had hoped it to be.

 

As an aside, when there are two friends and one backs off without a clear recent disagreement, the one being distanced will have no idea what that is about, except they will think you no longer are interested in what they have to say. That kind of passivity backfires.

[purplepaisley]

You've tossed out some feelers and he isn't biting. I'm going on the notion that he doesn't want to move in that direction of a romance, or maybe he's equally as worried about killing a good friendship by introducing something more romantic. It seems you are both still very raw in your breakups, and the fact that he has been your rock (and you his) during the difficult periods has an aura of *nightingale effect* or *transference*. Your emotions and "love" are misdirected to that person who has cared for you, or you have cared for. My thought is to let this go. Get out and date other people, or focus on getting out with friends and forming other friendship bonds, so your needs are spread around and you can meet the needs of others, and you don't have this focus on this one guy. I don't trust that your feelings for him are genuine because I don't think you have any other place to vent or whine, let alone laugh and talk about other life issues or something funny or strange that happened on the way to work. I could be wrong. It's just my impression. Just be careful of misdirected feelings.