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Am I being too sensitive for feeling BF is losing interest?


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My BF just got back from a long European trip last week. During this time apart we actually felt closer to each other, we realized we missed each other a lot and we were certain we wanted each other in our lives. However, now that he's back, I didnt feel the closeness I thought I would feel. He isnt being as sweet as I thought he would be.

 

First, we've been together for 6 months and havent said the L word. Because he values this word heavily. When he was away, he actually said he felt it, along with lots of other sentimental things too. I was really happy to hear them and thought he'd say ILY when he's back. But that didnt happen. In fact he hasnt said anything about how he feels to me after he's back.

Second, when he was away, he told me he missed me and that we should spend more time together after he's back. Then we agreed to start spending whole weekends together. But now that he's back, he just told me he's gonna catch up with friends on the weekend...(He did spend four days with me straight after he landed. But I thought we'd continue spending the following weekends together, and that doesnt seem like the case)

 

Normally these things arent a problem for me, I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends. But I suppose his words and confessions while he was away got my hopes up but the reality didnt go as I expected so I start to wonder "has his feelings changed now?". Or, does it simply mean "he's still sick from the jet lag. And I havent given him enough time to live up to his promises yet"?

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He did spend four days with me straight after he landed. But I thought we'd continue spending the following weekends together, and that doesnt seem like the case)

 

if he was with you four days straight after he got back, cut him some slack. He said he would spend more time with you -- and 4 straight days is a heckuva a lot of spending time. he was out of the country and has other people that have been in his life he would like to catch up with. he saw you first thing when he got back. That counts for something.

 

 

I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends.

 

You do and you might potentially do so. The fact that you "got your hopes up" tells me that now all you will do is analyze if he says it or not, work yourself up and be ready to dump him if he doesn't in 7 days. Actually, what exactly did he say about "feeling love" ?

 

He will say it when he is ready. Don't give it a deadline. It took my guy a year to say it because he just didn't know when the right time was. He let you know that he doesn't use the word lightly.

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You were stressed while he was gone (thought he'd meet someone on a tour bus or something) and you're stressed now that he's back.

 

Have you considered just enjoying your relationship? Why do you keep placing all these qualifiers or requirements on him and your relationship? Why do you seem to be unable to just relax? What has he done to you to make you so anxious?

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He spent four days with you straight after he'd landed. That doesn't sound AT ALL like he's losing interest...! However, he hasn't had a chance to catch up with his friends yet, and it's perfectly reasonable that he wants to do so.

 

This has nothing whatsoever to do with his feelings for you.

 

I think a deeper problem, though, is that you need a guy who's a lot more demonstrative than he is. You say

Normally these things aren't a problem for me, I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends.
but I get the feeling that you're actually very disappointed that the closeness you experienced when he was away has not translated into everyday life.

 

Rather than waiting for him to 'live up to his promises', you need to focus on other areas of your life, spend more time with friends or engaged in things which interest you, so that you don't look to him to be the source of all the good things in your life. He may never live up to the promises which you feel that he made, and if you want to continue this relationship you need to be happy with that. This is who he is.

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These are always hard to answer.

 

I mean, you do sound awfully sensitive, but I don't get the feeling that's a new thing here. Something about being with him—or is it romance in general?—has you wound pretty tight. When you can wind tightly around something sweet—four days together, some nice banter while he's away—you're good. But if that sweetness dips just a hair—well, white knuckles, anxieties, the spin cycle of questioning.

 

I say try to drop the expectations and see if you can enjoy him for who he is, right now, and what you guys have, right now. If that's not possible, for whatever reason, it really doesn't matter what the feelings thermometer would read if it was stuck under either of your tongues. Edginess and expectations are generally the roadblocks to connection, so connections that trigger them are connections that generally can only go so far.

 

Something to remember: his job, as a person on earth, is not to love you. Nor is yours to love him. It's to be yourselves, and see if you can be yourselves, and feel like yourselves, alongside each other. The cozier you can get with those facts the cozier you can get in these moments of uncertainty.

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Why do you seem to be unable to just relax? What has he done to you to make you so anxious?

 

I keep asking myself "should I just relax" but for some reason I worry if I relax he will slip away? Of course I know it's actually the opposite. But I get anxious so easily. I think because I want to be perfect and makes no mistakes in my relationships. Like I constantly worry " Am I too needy now"

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I keep asking myself "should I just relax" but for some reason I worry if I relax he will slip away? Of course I know it's actually the opposite. But I get anxious so easily. I think because I want to be perfect and makes no mistakes in my relationships. Like I constantly worry " Am I too needy now"

 

What treatment are you currently receiving for your anxiety?

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I keep asking myself "should I just relax" but for some reason I worry if I relax he will slip away? Of course I know it's actually the opposite. But I get anxious so easily. I think because I want to be perfect and makes no mistakes in my relationships. Like I constantly worry " Am I too needy now"

 

Well this, from one angle, is what "not functioning" looks like in a relationship. If this is a way you tend to feel in romance, I would take it seriously as something to explore and get a handle on. If this is how you feel with him, I would also take it seriously as something to explore. A mark of being compatible with someone is that we don't feel like they're slipping away, not that we are constantly worried they are.

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Well this, from one angle, is what "not functioning" looks like in a relationship. If this is a way you tend to feel in romance, I would take it seriously as something to explore and get a handle on. If this is how you feel with him, I would also take it seriously as something to explore. A mark of being compatible with someone is that we don't feel like they're slipping away, not that we are constantly worried they are.

 

You are also revolving far too much around him if you are paralyzed so badly when he goes, and when he comes back. hang out with your own friends

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Perfection is boring. Making no mistakes makes the other person feel they can’t either. Seeing someone make a mistake is part of being close. Real people make mistakes and people who want intimacy want to be with real people. They want to be able to show the other person they messed up but they want to make it right. I’m not referring to what most people would consider dealbreaker level mistakes. I mean things that are annoying or flaky or seem to be thoughtless. Love is about giving. And it’s also about giving the other person a chance to see your vulnerabilities.

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what about mistake like "acting insecure/needy/clingy/naggy"..

 

Those aren't "mistakes". Those are behavioral issues.

 

And since you won't seek help for those issues they will continue.

 

You could end up causing the very thing you're trying to prevent...he'll get tired of reassuring you and he'll give up.

 

And before you say you are really, really good at hiding your anxiety and fear from him...I can assure you he knows. Maybe not the full extent, but he's picked up on it unless he's completely oblivious.

 

Your choice if you want to try to find a solution or continue on as you are.

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what about mistake like "acting insecure/needy/clingy/naggy"..

 

I agree -that's not a mistake. That's a choice as to how to react to feeling insecure or needy. That's a choice not to get to the root of why you're so often triggered in this relationship and instead acting out in basically a self-sabotaging way.

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When you can wind tightly around something sweet—four days together, some nice banter while he's away—you're good. But if that sweetness dips just a hair—well, white knuckles, anxieties, the spin cycle of questioning.

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Yes. If patterns change, I get anxious and start to feel the guy is losing interest..I cant tell the difference between "life got in the way" or "he's pulling away". If I have an issue, what a "healthy" person would do in those situations?

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Yes. If patterns change, I get anxious and start to feel the guy is losing interest..I cant tell the difference between "life got in the way" or "he's pulling away". If I have an issue, what a "healthy" person would do in those situations?

 

What would a healthy person do? They would be involved in their job, family and hobbies just like their significant other is. They won't be sitting at home wondering what the other person is doing every moment. They will be working, catching up with a friend, reading, volunteering, giving moral support to a sibling at their audition etc, and when the boyfriend calls, you will be delighted to take that quick break in your activity to say hi. They would plan dates and would be looking forward to them instead of sitting at home the 3 days in between seeing their boyfriend wondering if he is pulling away

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What would a healthy person do? They would be involved in their job, family and hobbies just like their significant other is. They won't be sitting at home wondering what the other person is doing every moment. They will be working, catching up with a friend, reading, volunteering, giving moral support to a sibling at their audition etc, and when the boyfriend calls, you will be delighted to take that quick break in your activity to say hi. They would plan dates and would be looking forward to them instead of sitting at home the 3 days in between seeing their boyfriend wondering if he is pulling away

 

I agree with this. Also a reasonably secure person (which you achieve as suggested in what I quoted) in a relationship that has a reasonably secure foundation, would not react to or even notice changes in "patterns" or if there was a change the go to thought would not be "is it me" but rather "I hope he's ok/feeling well". Like, take my 10 year old son -he sees me get angry with his behavior, he sees me take a time out where I leave him and go into another room to exhale and compose, and sure he'll sometimes put a paper airplane under the door that says "I'm sorry" but he's not truly worried that I don't love him anymore or that I'm never coming out. He doesn't need that level of reassurance because he has the core knowledge and feeling that I love him and am there for him in general.

 

Also -this is key - I tell him when I need space -I tell my husband this too as in "I'm not ignoring you -just need my me time right now" - and no, not every time but I have a sense that I don't want the people I'm in important relationships with to be concerned so I don't go completely MIA or act completely out of character which could trigger worry/concern.

 

So I wouldn't date someone -or be close friends with someone -who thought it was ok to go MIA on me without letting me know in advance. I had a close friend who would do this. And as a result after it happened once or twice I distanced myself and don't share the same level of personal stuff because it's hurtful to me if she suddenly doesn't respond for a month or more. On the other hand if I choose to be in a close relationship with someone then I will communicate my needs for reliability, a response, etc - I do this with my husband because I'm committed to him. It's worth it to me to communicate to him what I need in terms of responses/communication.

But I am confident in myself that I'm not being overly clingy or needy with such requests. For example, when he is on a business trip or at a business dinner I never text him except if it's an emergency. Never ask him to check in - I ask him to leave his itinerary which he does. And he does check in on his own time but not because I ask. Because I want him to focus on his work and also enjoy his me-time if he gets some -it's not all about me. You seem to be a bit too much "what about me" -doesn't he want to know how I am doing, doesn't he want me to know how much he cares by staying in close touch?" That gets to be self-absorbed, clingy - the opposite of loving as giving.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the relationship as a whole is not where you hoped it would be after 6 mos. Have you had the exclusive talk? How often do you see each each other? You can hang on wishing and hoping he develops feelings for you or better yet, you can stop fooling yourself and cut your losses. Come on, you are not ok being with someone who can't tell you this and obviously doesn't feel anything after 6 mos?

 

What kind of dates/relationship do you have as opposed to what you wish were happening? Perhaps he's just not that into you. After 6 mos don't settle for cold and lame and convince yourself you are "the cool gf" who "doesn't need labels". 6 mos is long enough to know what's happening and this seems to be where he is at with you.

we've been together for 6 months and havent said the L word. we agreed to start spending whole weekends together. But now that he's back, he just told me he's gonna catch up with friends on the weekend.

 

Normally these things arent a problem for me, I dont need the validation of "ILY" nor I want to cling on him and not allow him to social with friends.

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What kind of dates/relationship do you have as opposed to what you wish were happening? Perhaps he's just not that into you. After 6 mos don't settle for cold and lame and convince yourself you are "the cool gf" who "doesn't need labels". 6 mos is long enough to know what's happening and this seems to be where he is at with you.

 

All her posts are about insecurity. All she could think about when he went on vacation is "do people meet people on vacation?" rather than wishing him to have a great time. I think from the other posts, things are mostly coming down to her anxiety. To me, he communicated that after 4 straight days with her, he was going to hang out with his buddies. That is not ghosting. With my guy, we have been together for quite awhile and if he goes to an event related to his hobby with a group of other guys, i don't flip out. I have hobbies that i enjoy without him myself. Its good to not be the same. But that's just my opinion. After 6 months, you stop being at eachother's elbow constantly. If he came home and didn't see her at all. I would be more concerned.

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You may be together for 6 months, but if I am reading it right, one month of that was with him overseas.

 

The best cure for your overthinking is to get busy with your life and make some plans of your own. Not only will it keep you busy, it's a great reminder of who you are outside of a relationship. Those reminders will let you know that no matter what happens (because something are out of your control) that you will be alright.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the relationship as a whole is not where you hoped it would be after 6 mos. Have you had the exclusive talk? How often do you see each each other? You can hang on wishing and hoping he develops feelings for you or better yet, you can stop fooling yourself and cut your losses. Come on, you are not ok being with someone who can't tell you this and obviously doesn't feel anything after 6 mos?

 

What kind of dates/relationship do you have as opposed to what you wish were happening? Perhaps he's just not that into you. After 6 mos don't settle for cold and lame and convince yourself you are "the cool gf" who "doesn't need labels". 6 mos is long enough to know what's happening and this seems to be where he is at with you.

Well of course we are exclusive.. met the parents and everything.. we talk everyday, see each other 2-3 times a week.4 months together, 1 month apart now going into 6th. That’s all the details.

 

What kind of relationship I want? Well find someone who is crazy for me and say ILY in 3 months and move in after 6 and marry after 12 and happy ever after lol unfortunately if I pursue this I may be single forever

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Well of course we are exclusive.. met the parents and everything.. we talk everyday, see each other 2-3 times a week.4 months together, 1 month apart now going into 6th. That’s all the details.

 

What kind of relationship I want? Well find someone who is crazy for me and say ILY in 3 months and move in after 6 and marry after 12 and happy ever after lol unfortunately if I pursue this I may be single forever

 

Why do you see the need to share living space after knowing someone 6 months? Sure if it means something about an emotional commitment I can see that - moving in together before the wedding for practical reasons too. You seem to want a fairly fast tracked relationship -why?

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