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Boyfriend has 2 kids, doesn't want more, knows I do.


kas88

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Hi there.

 

So here is my situation. I am 29 years old, and recently divorced. My ex husband and I had fertility and adoption issues, and a lot of resentment. I know already that it may be a struggle for me to have my own children. Fast forward to now, I've been seeing a 33 year old guy for about 5 months, who is wonderful. He has two children of his own already and is very involved in coparenting with his ex. He's a wonderful father, and I admire it about him so very much. He knows about my fertility issues in my previous marriage, he knows about my failed adoption, and how resentment ruined my marriage. He also doesn't want me to meet his children for at least a year, and has already expressed he doesn't want more children. He has copped out and said things like "I wish I had my babies with you" or "I know I'm with the woman I'd want to have more children with if I changed my mind" I feel completely powerless in this area of our relationship.

 

I love this man, in ever area of our relationship outside of this issue (a very large issue) he is exactly what I need. I'm worried the more I fall, the more I will resent him, and I've expressed this many times. I also worry that this is my only shot at a family, if even just as a step mother figure, eventually. So do I hold on knowing I will never have all that I want, in the fear that it's all I can have, or do I move on, walk away from a man I am so enthralled with, in the hopes that I can find someone who does want a family with me? I'm not someone who needs to have "my own" children in a biological sense, I wouldn't have tried adoption if that were true, but I don't like the idea that if things were to not work out, these children that I love will be taken away from me, and there's nothing I can do about it, because they're not "mine" I have so much love to give, and I feel like I'm in limbo and I can't make any choices if I stay in this relationship.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you're not ready to date if you are carrying all this resentment forward into this dating situation. It sounds like you are incompatible. It sounds as though you've already warned him that you resent him so this may run it's course.

 

Perhaps take it slowly and decide if you want to continue or find a guy who wants more kids. Have you considered working through your motherhood, family and infertility issues with a therapist to help you navigate and decide?

 

-I am 29 years old, and recently divorced.

-I've been seeing a 33 year old guy for about 5 months.

-He knows about my fertility issues in my previous marriage, he knows about my failed adoption, and how resentment ruined my marriage.

-he doesn't want more children.

-I'm worried the more I fall, the more I will resent him and I've expressed this many times.

-I hold on knowing I will never have all that I want

-the hopes that I can find someone who does want a family with me?

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No matter how great everything else is, when two people have opposite major goals, you shouldn't go any further. You're recently divorced and met someone great right away, so it can happen again with someone who matches you in all of the major ways. And yes, you're right to worry about losing stepchildren if the relationship ends, because the statistics don't lie:

 

"Past statistics have shown that in the U.S. 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. What are the reasons for this progressive increase in divorce rates? Theories abound. One common explanation is that a significant number of people enter a second or marriage 'on the rebound' of a first or second divorce. Often the people concerned are vulnerable; they do not allow sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again. They enter their next marriage for the wrong reasons, not having internalized the lessons of their past experience. They are liable to repeat their mistakes, making them susceptible to similar conflicts and another broken marriage follows."

 

My advice? Break up with the wonderful man who isn't compatible with your life goals. If you didn't give yourself a year to heal from your divorce, be solo for a while, and now you'll also be mourning the end of this relationship as well. Life isn't about settling, as there are no do-overs. Take care.

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I think you should break up.

 

Kids are important to you. So much so that it was a factor in your divorce. I totally ‘get’ that kids and family are sometimes ‘chosen’ (there is a ton of adoption in my family and they are every bit as loved)... but there are really no guarantees with this guy and his kids. You could spend years with him, break up, and then lost both your opportunity to have kids and your connection to his kids.

 

You are young. Children are still a possibility for you. He does not want more kids.

 

... but also, beyond that, others will disagree but I do raise my eyebrows a little at wanting to wait a year to introduce you. It’s really important not to introduce your kids to everyone (they get attached)... but at about 6 months in or so, he (you both) should have a good idea if he wants the relationship to be long-term. And really, what if you don’t like his kids? Or they don’t like you? It happens. And it’s kind of a big deal.

 

I don’t think you have the same goals and I do question a little his commitment to the relationship.

 

I think you should move on. He’s great... but I don’t think he’s the right match for you.

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Completely agree with Red Dress. I didn't get to be a mom till I was 42 and I never dated anyone who didn't 110% want a family. Complete dealbreaker. This is really important to you -please don't discount that.

 

I have one friend who met her husband while his wife was dying (they were classmates). After his wife passed away, he asked her out. But he already had 4 kids and was in his 50s and didn't want more. She was divorced, no kids, 40-ish and knew she wanted kids. So she told him nicely she really was into him and wouldn't date him if that was his stance. He changed his mind, they've been married several years and have twins (I suspect IVF but not sure so he also went through that with her). You can tell him this and see if in the future he changes his mind and really, really wants more children but I would end things right now. Especially since you've already had fertility/adoption issues.

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You have only been dating this guy for 5 months. You need to slow your roll.

 

He does not want kids; therefore, you are not compatible.

 

You are only 29. Do not settle. Find a man that wants the same things.

 

Also, it is too early to be in a serious relationship after your divorce. Stop jumping from man to man.

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My advice? Break up with the wonderful man who isn't compatible with your life goals. If you didn't give yourself a year to heal from your divorce, be solo for a while, and now you'll also be mourning the end of this relationship as well. Life isn't about settling, as there are no do-overs. Take care.

 

I agree.

 

You are already resentful at just 5 months in, and believing that he is feeding you "cop-outs" (which I don't agree with; I think he is being honest, actually, in that he thinks you're wonderful but he is finished having children) It's not about being powerless either, though I find your choice of words quite telling. It's about knowing when someone's goals for themselves aren't compatible with yours and parting ways.

 

And really, if we flip the script, who's to say he wouldn't come to resent you for pressing the point of having a baby when he doesn't want to?

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Why do you have so much resentment? Your ex-husband tried to have babies with you, and it simply didn't work out. Why would you have resentment towards him? And more importantly, why are you not only still carrying onto this resentment, but carrying it into this new relationship? How very unfair for you to do this to your new guy, and what a waste of energy on yourself.

 

Your guy has clearly and specifically told you what the deal is: no more kids. Not maybe, not hopeful. None. Why are you here, posting on a message board with anonymous people? Do you think we can change his mind?

 

When a man tells you something, believe him.

 

You've already pre-decided that you're going to have resentment for him if you stay with him and don't have kids. So, it's resentment from your ex, carried into resentment with this new guy. You're gonna be one miserable woman.

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You've only been with him for 5 months and you're in the middle of the honeymoon period so its a good thing that he's not introducing you to his children during that time in your relationship. You have another six months to wait before you even meet his children so don't worry right now about them being taken away from you should you break up. In the meantime, figure out what is most important to you. A good guy who you may love past the honeymoon stage... or a new man without children at this point that wants to have one (naturally or through adoption) with you.

 

This man does not want more children. Figure out if that is a deal breaker for your or not. We can't give you the answer to that. However; if you choose to stay with him, don't you dare let yourself resent him for not wanting a child with you. You know the dealio going in.

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I agree with him that no woman should meet his children until a year goes by at the very least.

 

I think that you need to look at things in several ways.

 

Firstly, are you sure you cannot have kids (did you actually get assessed to determine if the issue was your ex husband or you. Did you go to a specialist to make sure it wasn't your thyroid an that you wrere actually knowing how to "Time" sex correctly in your cycle)? Have you had multiple miscarriages? If you absolutely cannot have kids (i say you can't say that for sure unless there is a defect with your uterus, you had chemo, you are over 45 etc,

then it puzzles me why you would reject a man who doesn't want more if you cannot have any?

 

The problem i find with this man is he is throwing the breadcrumb of saying you are a type of woman he would "change his mind for" almost to figure out what's music to your ears.

 

If you adopt a child - unless you are that rare person that is able to adopt an infant -- you are adopting a kid that has experience with being the child of someone else -- would it be that different from you adopting your step kids (if mom is not in the picture, etc.) and raising them with a husband?

 

I think that its important for you to seek counseling and some closure on your failed adoption resentment. If you don't get pasr that, it is going to be hard to move forward either towards marriage, adoption etc. I also think that it would be good for you to explore why you could not conceive (ie, a doctor letting you know its something fixable or something that can't be fixed) so you can lay it to rest.)

 

To me, if i were you, i would look for a man who was very gung ho on adoption who also would be delighted if it did happen by surprise there was a biological child that happened.

But if you feel this guy is the one - you have to be content with the possibility you won't have a biological child (AND btw, you should be accepting that is a strong possibility anyhow).

You could meet someone new and not have kids anyhow -- so you need to come to terms with that issue

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in the hopes that I can find someone who does want a family with me? I

 

your ex husband wanted a family. How did your marriage break down - did he leave because you could not have a child? Or more likely, did the stress of fertility treatments and a failed adoption put you at odds with eachother? Sometimes an adoption doesn't go through (did you actually get matched with a kid?) but another one does. WHen did you feel the marriage was not worth continuing, on your end? I just find it puzzling that you are looking for a man to have babies with when you already could not have a child.

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I'm not someone who needs to have "my own" children in a biological sense, I wouldn't have tried adoption if that were true, but I don't like the idea that if things were to not work out, these children that I love will be taken away from me, and there's nothing I can do about it, because they're not "mine" I have so much love to give, and I feel like I'm in limbo and I can't make any choices if I stay in this relationship.

 

Well, sadly (and frighteningly), there's always a risk of losing the people that you love.

 

You have at least seven months before you meet the children. My suggestion is that you use this time to do a very objective assessment of the man and the relationship that you have right now. Honestly evaluate whether this relationship can meet your needs. Even if it doesn't you will not have wasted time because you will have a better idea of what you are looking for going forward. Many women have children in their mid 30s and early 40s, so you do have time.

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If you do this right the second time around, you should be very disciplined in choosing your next partner.

 

So when the butterflies settle. .and they will, you will very likely be left with a partner with differing goals.

 

Having had a marriage end due to similar circumstances, why would ever risk setting yourself up for the same thing again?

 

If children are important to you, set out to meet men who feel the same way and start making your choices from there.

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Good for him waiting to introduce his children thats a good sign.

 

5 months and acting like youre soul mates...not such a good sign.

 

Slow down, you two are still getting to know eachother.

 

Also, and I mean no offense, children and dating goals should be discussed very early. I would say by date 3 if not earlier. So you stayed and got attached with someone you knew had different life goals? So what? Now comes the game of whos going to cave first? Including him bread crumbing you. Its like you're both drilling holes in the boat before it even hits the water.

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I've been working with a therapist weekly since my divorce. The resentment there built over time into loss of communication, my ex drinking excessively then him ultimately cheating, so there has been a lot to cover. I'm not sure it's carried over resentment, it's a different situation. My husband resented me for being broken and stopped trying with me all together. We tried adoption once, then he gave up. If anything, I resented him not being supportive or willing to let me have a family in any sense because of his own resentments. That's not what's happening here, my new guy is willing to give me a family, just cautiously over time, and not in a biological sense. I respect and understand his stance.

 

I just want a family. I don't need it to be biological. I'd love to have biological children, but that's a stretch with or without my new guy. I want to be able to build to a point where I can call them, all three of them, my family, not "his kids" - this may be "my family" but I worry about continuing to grow into that and build towards it, and it all being taken away because on paper, they're not. Me not getting what I want isn't his fault, I know that. There are no guarantees.

 

I am also aware we are only 5 months in, but figuring this out now is on my radar because they are involved. These thoughts and feelings bubbling up have me worried and I need to figure this out before it could be harder later, especially after meeting the kids.

 

I don't want to have this fear, it's what drove wanting to have a child of my own, because no one could take that away. Not because he and his children aren't a good enough family for me, it would be a lovely life.

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Ok, I was wondering what happened with the attempt at adoption. It sounds like there would be nothing preventing you from a chance at adoption in the future if you wish.

 

It's difficult. Some tough questions : do you want to be a mom? With adoption, or even some other scenarios out there ,you can have the chance to be a mother to child(ren).

In this current situation, the children have a very involved mom and dad. That's wonderful for them. But it means you could never be their mom. You may have the chance to be a special part of their life , with all the challenges and rewards that come with that, but your role will be very different .

 

You need to really think about that. If things continued to go well , you would be an addition to an already established family. You would have no real say in how the children are raised, etc.

 

Thoughts on this so far?

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I'm really sorry. Sounds like you've been through a lot and are still need to continue working through a lot of issues and fall out from your marriage, the cheating, and so on. It's quite understandable that it's left you shaken and fearful.

 

Fear of loss is natural, but....it's important to figure out how to tame it and not allow it to rule and wreck your life. Think about it - you are afraid of losing what you don't even have. You don't know if this relationship will continue past its honeymoon stage. You don't know if the children will accept you and connect with you or be the cause of the break up of your relationship as they reject the change in their parent's life. On other hand, plenty of divorced people remarry and their children have wonderful and sometimes even better relationships with the stepparent than their biological ones. As for the children being taken away, honestly, once someone has been in a relationship for years and the children have been influenced, are attached to that person, quite often people do agree to continue to maintain contact for the sake of the kids even if the adults have split. If the kids are older, teenagers, they will often themselves opt to maintain that relationship. It's just not quite as black and white as you are thinking.

 

The idea that you can control outcomes is a bit dangerous although I can understand why you want to feel in control. The reality is that you just never are and somehow need to learn to accept that. The more you worry about losing, the more you'll push away the very life that you want.

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Excellent. Focus on healing from the divorce and being with a cheating alcoholic. How long were you married? How long were you trying to have a child?

I've been working with a therapist weekly since my divorce. The resentment there built over time into loss of communication, my ex drinking excessively then him ultimately cheating
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Excellent. Focus on healing from the divorce and being with a cheating alcoholic. How long were you married? How long were you trying to have a child?

 

We were together for 10 years, married for 7, started to try for kids more seriously 2 years into our marriage.

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Ok, I was wondering what happened with the attempt at adoption. It sounds like there would be nothing preventing you from a chance at adoption in the future if you wish.

 

It's difficult. Some tough questions : do you want to be a mom? With adoption, or even some other scenarios out there ,you can have the chance to be a mother to child(ren).

In this current situation, the children have a very involved mom and dad. That's wonderful for them. But it means you could never be their mom. You may have the chance to be a special part of their life , with all the challenges and rewards that come with that, but your role will be very different .

 

You need to really think about that. If things continued to go well , you would be an addition to an already established family. You would have no real say in how the children are raised, etc.

 

Thoughts on this so far?

 

I grew up with step parents, who are still very much a part of my life, I see what you're saying here. They're just as much my parents as my physical parents, one of whom isn't even married into the family anymore. but I knew them my entire life, they were always there.

 

As far as joining an established family, yeah it'll be difficult, but truly, all of my family options are difficult.

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Why do you have so much resentment? Your ex-husband tried to have babies with you, and it simply didn't work out. Why would you have resentment towards him? And more importantly, why are you not only still carrying onto this resentment, but carrying it into this new relationship? How very unfair for you to do this to your new guy, and what a waste of energy on yourself.

 

Your guy has clearly and specifically told you what the deal is: no more kids. Not maybe, not hopeful. None. Why are you here, posting on a message board with anonymous people? Do you think we can change his mind?

 

When a man tells you something, believe him.

 

You've already pre-decided that you're going to have resentment for him if you stay with him and don't have kids. So, it's resentment from your ex, carried into resentment with this new guy. You're gonna be one miserable woman.

 

My husband resented me, for being "broken". He gave up on intimacy, he gave up on the adoption process, stopped communicating all together, drinking (then ultimately cheating). I ended up resenting him for not continuing to try, for not being willing to let me have a family at all, that is not what is happening with the new guy, entirely different situation. He is willing, and excited about folding me into his family, it's whether or not my fear will stop me from getting there with him.

 

Any feelings I'm having now are fear based. Am I going to resent this man for what he doesn't want? If by some slight (very slight) chance I did end up pregnant would he resent me? What if I become part of this family with him and I lose it? They may all be feelings around children and family, but they are in no way a carry over of the feelings I had towards my husband, entirely different situations, just same core topic, family.

 

I do believe him, and I doubt he will change his mind. I've told him I don't even like that I'm having these feelings. If I could stop them from bubbling up, or erase that it was even a conversation in the first place, I would. I hate feeling selfish, or unrealistic in this. He did nothing wrong, I know that and I have expressed that to him.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, I really do, but know that you're not very kind in how you give advice. I've reached out to this board of people to crowdsource perspectives from those who may have an empathetic ear or life experience to lend.

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Good for him waiting to introduce his children thats a good sign.

 

5 months and acting like youre soul mates...not such a good sign.

 

Slow down, you two are still getting to know eachother.

 

Also, and I mean no offense, children and dating goals should be discussed very early. I would say by date 3 if not earlier. So you stayed and got attached with someone you knew had different life goals? So what? Now comes the game of whos going to cave first? Including him bread crumbing you. Its like you're both drilling holes in the boat before it even hits the water.

 

Good for him waiting to introduce his children thats a good sign. - I agree, we agreed to this before ever meeting. I told him I wanted to fall for a man first before falling for his kids, he said he wanted to be cautious because this is all new. A year is what he's thinking from when we met, which I misunderstood I thought he was saying "in about a year" in relation to the current conversations when we would talk. I thought it was a moving target, it isn't to him.

 

5 months and acting like youre soul mates...not such a good sign. - We are really enjoying our relationship together, and I don't see how that is a problem. would I say I am in love at this point? Yes, would I say I've fallen for him? Yes. Am I being unrealistically attached? No, I wouldn't be considering leaving for a better outcome for both of us if I was. I wouldn't be thinking about his children and my goals and compatibility of it all if I was unrealistically attached. I find this point of yours to be a little condescending and not particularly helpful.

 

Also, and I mean no offense, children and dating goals should be discussed very early. I would say by date 3 if not earlier.

It was discussed early. We talked about how I may not be able to have kids, and how he didn't want any more. How I tried adopting and don't need biological children. The feelings I'm having now, relate to bringing these non biological children into my heart, and what if I have to let them go? What if their mother purposefully makes it hard on me? What if his views on what my role as a step parent differ from my own? How much of a seat do I get at this family table?

 

Whereas I could keep throwing money and hope into fertility treatments or adoption, and potentially end up with a family that no one could take away from me.

 

There are no guarantees either way.

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I think being a stepmother is entirely different from being a mother whether you adopt or have a child biologically or by surrogate, etc. You won't have the family you want if you are a stepmother. Also I would think hard about why you want your own children - the negative "because they cannot be taken away from me" isn't good enough IMO because it doesn't concern whether you want to give to a human being you give birth to or adopt. It also puts a lot of pressure on the child. What about if the child doesn't feel close to you - it will still be your child of course- that relationship can only be taken away in those rare instances where there is abuse, etc - so I wouldn't make the "no one can take my child from me" a main reason to have a child - maybe not even "a" reason. It's mostly a selfless act full of sacrifice, constantly and unpredictably. Small and large and everything in between. And totally and utterly worth it if you want to have a really significant role in raising a human being.

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I think being a stepmother is entirely different from being a mother whether you adopt or have a child biologically or by surrogate, etc. You won't have the family you want if you are a stepmother. Also I would think hard about why you want your own children - the negative "because they cannot be taken away from me" isn't good enough IMO because it doesn't concern whether you want to give to a human being you give birth to or adopt. It also puts a lot of pressure on the child. What about if the child doesn't feel close to you - it will still be your child of course- that relationship can only be taken away in those rare instances where there is abuse, etc - so I wouldn't make the "no one can take my child from me" a main reason to have a child - maybe not even "a" reason. It's mostly a selfless act full of sacrifice, constantly and unpredictably. Small and large and everything in between. And totally and utterly worth it if you want to have a really significant role in raising a human being.

 

Why do I want children? Because I have so much love to give. I grew up in a big family, and the idea of helping a child learn, grow, feel valued and loved appeals to me. The idea of building a life long relationship appeals to me.

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Why do I want children? Because I have so much love to give. I grew up in a big family, and the idea of helping a child learn, grow, feel valued and loved appeals to me. The idea of building a life long relationship appeals to me.

 

Yes. And you emphasized that you wanted a child of your own because no one can take the child away. That gave me pause. Obviously the reasons you now wrote above, as you know, are great reasons to have a child. You can have all of that being a stepmother and I would not, if I were you, tell yourself that that would be enough for you. Sounds like that would be dishonest.

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