Open relationship

[Moon13]

Just need some thoughts on this..

 

I'm really interested in this woman who is 35, and I am 27 female. I'm pretty decent at picking up on cues, and I believe our chemistry is mutual. Anyways it's been only two dates, and on the second date we went to the beach and kissed 3 separate times and there was heavy flirting. She went out of the city for the weekend with her other girlfriend and told me she would text me when she gets back. (She's an open type bisexual who ended things with her main partner a year ago. I'm bisexual as well but I have a main male partner, and I'm rather new-ish to seeing women outside of a relationship... so I'm still trying to figure out how other people who are "open" work. I know for myself, I develop deep feelings.) Later that night, I just sent her a have fun for the weekend text and mentioned I had a great time. She replied she had a perfect day with me and will text me when she gets back. Anyways she's been back for 3 days and no text. I understand you can't make perfect equal time for each partner, plus deal with your own life, but I sort of expect the person I'm seeing to follow through with what they say. As something as simple as a text... Also we've made plans to do like 4 different things, and I'd like a third date soon. I get infatuated really easily with people, I'm just afraid that maybe she's all talk. I have a strong urge to text her, but I just kind of feel like she should be texting me. Especially since she forgot to tell me she needed to cancel our second date because she decided to go camping alone to get work done (which sucked but I give people the benefit of the doubt). So I pushed for the second date to happen, and it went really well. We opened up vulnerably to each other, and talked about what we are going to do next time we see each other. She is a super busy person, and is going through some personal struggles (thyroid depression [i have the same disorder, so I get it], and court dates from her past relationship that was abusive), so I'd like to think she's just busy and taking time for herself... but deep down I feel like if someone really wants to see you, they will contact you.

 

Aside from the open relationship judgements... what are your takes on this? I always wear my heart on my sleeve, and I always get hurt. I have no problem being more mature and initiating something I want, but I'm trying to break this cycle of appearing too available or something like that. For whatever reason it seems to draw people away? I don't get it. I like when someone makes themselves available to me... I'm not into games lol. Posting here because there's no poly or open forum on this thing. Hoping to get some opinions from other poly or open people.

[agent1607307371]

I get infatuated really easily with people

 

 

I think this is what's happening here. You've had 2 dates and you're now needing her to make you important to her life when from what you've posted here, she likes you but this is casual for her. She has a lot on and you're the one pushing for this to happen. If she was really interested, she'd be making the time.

[DancingFool]

From what I know of people in open relationships, the dynamic is very much not equal at all. Their main partner is where loyalty and main time goes to. Other people just come and go much more casually. Even if there are long term established arrangements, still the main partner is the main partner and that's where priorities go. Doesn't mean this is how it works for everyone, it's just what I've seen.

 

If you truly attach so quickly and deeply, then I'm afraid that an open relationship might not be for you and will cause you a lot of pain, jealousies, and insecurities. You already want this woman to dedicate more to you than is appropriate after just a few dates. You also mention that you pretty much had to twist her arm to get a second date. Sounds like you are way over invested and too persistent in trying to force something to happen while the other person is good with something more casual or occasional. Open deal aside, don't smother. That simply goes for any relationship.

[maew]

I think this is what's happening here. You've had 2 dates and you're now needing her to make you important to her life when from what you've posted here, she likes you but this is casual for her. She has a lot on and you're the one pushing for this to happen. If she was really interested, she'd be making the time.

 

Agreed. Also, you have high expectations of someone in an open relationship... it's almost like you are expecting it to be monogamous. If you choose to be with someone in an open relationship (and be in one yourself) you choose to share that person's time with at least one other, and maybe more.

 

It's been two dates... just chill and see what happens. Fill your time with other stuff so you aren't obsessed with her contacting you or getting back to you, or placing demands on her time.

[Moon13]

I think this is what's happening here. You've had 2 dates and you're now needing her to make you important to her life when from what you've posted here, she likes you but this is casual for her. She has a lot on and you're the one pushing for this to happen. If she was really interested, she'd be making the time.

 

That makes sense. I guess I'm just used to how thing work monogamously. I think my biggest issue was someone just being all talk and not following through with what they say. One of my best friends considers herself poly, and she follows through with her lovers. But like you said, it's probably more casual for her.

[Wiseman2]

Do you mean open because you both live with/have men in your lives or because you want to see other females in addition to each other?

Female/Female situation. She has a fiance, and I live with my boyfriend.

[Moon13]

She doesn't have a main partner, just myself. I live happily with my main male partner of 5 years. She has been single for a year (her last relationship was with an abusive male). She's currently seeing another woman, me, and broke things off with a guy who wanted to settle down with her. It's obvious she wants freedom. I'm fine with not seeing her for a few weeks.. but I appreciate it more when people follow through with what they say, or don't say it, you know?

[Moon13]

That was an old post you may have looked at... that relationship did not go well. I found out her fiance didn't know and that girl played me. I don't see her anymore. This is a brand new relationship.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she doesn't want exclusive dating at this time. But you don't either since you live with someone.

I live happily with my main male partner of 5 years. She's currently seeing another woman, me, and broke things off with a guy who wanted to settle down with her.

[reinventmyself]

I think the tendency to become attached is separate from the fact that this young lady just isn't a person of her word.

It's already been said, but I don't see how someone who attaches easily can be in open relationships.

 

I think open relationships require a great deal of independence and the ability to shift easily to separateness. Not the other way around.

 

This young lady maybe the wrong person for you to exercise your desire to be in open relationship.

It may just come down to differences in integrity or simply an lack of interest.

[rosephase]

Have you tried asking her what level of contact you can expect?

 

I don’t think there is anything wrong with being open if you fall in love easily... that’s kinda the point. You enjoy her, she is telling you she enjoys you. She’s not great at follow through (at the moment) so check in with her. Ask her what’s up. Communicate.

[MissCanuck]

You've used an interesting choice of words here, OP.

 

You mentioned having a lover or following up with the person one is seeing. The thing is, you two are nowhere near either of those at this point. She isn't your lover, and you're not really seeing her either. It may progress to that, but I think your expectations are too high considering you have only been on two dates and you admit you had to push for the second.

 

Open or not, she just doesn't sound that interested.

[DanZee]

Well, does your boyfriend know about these dates? And what is his opinion of you having a girlfriend? It just sounds like you have an infatuation and you're cheating on your boyfriend. It's only an open relationship if everyone knows about it. And since you say you usually have deep feelings for someone, it sounds like you really shouldn't concentrate on more than one person at a time.

 

Also this woman is like a Holly Go-Litely. She's having the time of her life, but everyone else is just hanging on vying for her attention. It just seems incredibly complicated and she is too busy for a real relationship. I think you should concentrate on one person at a time. You're probably only going to get hurt by this "relationship."

[catfeeder]

So I pushed for the second date to happen,

 

I'd stop pushing and let her show you whether she values a 3rd date enough to step up to making it happen. Otherwise, you'll just keep depriving yourself of valuable information by doing all the pushing.

 

Head high, and read my sig.

[SherrySher]

I agree with catfeeder, you've done the chasing for the second date, now it's up to her to reciprocate.

 

You deserve someone to come see where you are if they are interested and it not be all one sided.