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Dealing with Valentine's Day Disappointment


Gerda

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This isn't a big deal, maybe I just need to vent, but I figured I'd ask--how do you deal with gifts from a partner that are not to your taste? Obviously I thank the person and hide any indication of disappointment, but how is he supposed to learn what I like if I give him the false impression that I like things I don't?

 

My tastes are simple. I like roses. I've told husband this. Told him just to go to the grocery store and buy an un-vased bouquet of a dozen roses and bring them home, I'll trim them and put them in a vase we already have. It's easy and it's a way to get a beautiful dozen roses cheaper than if you paid for a pre-made arrangement (much cheaper.) You would think a man would like such simple direction and a woman providing him with a way to save money while making her happy.

 

I like red roses or those multi-colored ones that are orange or pink with red rims--I've told him this. And I've told him that pink is not my favorite color anymore, and that red is. And yet today I get a pre-vased arrangement of mostly pink flowers, with a couple red roses. Not only that but they've got some extremely-strong-smelling flower in them that just REEKS, giving me a headache already--roses do not do this. I already thanked him and said they were beautiful, and I'll continue to thank him and be sweet to him today, but this is getting frustrating--what I want is so simple. I want a dozen roses, either red or the multi colored ones, and a box of gaudily wrapped chocolates. (I've directly told him about how I like the gaudy chocolate boxes.) Last week, when he asked me what I wanted to do for Valentine's Day, I said, "I want to look at beautiful flowers that you gave me and eat chocolates. Should I buy these things for myself?" I was trying to give him an easy way out. I honestly wouldn't have resented it if I'd have had to buy these things for myself--it's that big of a deal that I just want a pretty dozen roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. But he said no, he'd take care of it.

 

I love my husband, and as the day goes on I'll like this arrangement more and more because it came from him. But still, I'm just frustrated. Us women are always accused of being all irrational, hard to figure out, and here is a case where I have directly laid out what I want, and it seems like he wasn't paying any attention. I don't want to be ungrateful, but at the same time, I want what I want. It's not a big deal, I can just go out and buy it myself, but if I do that now it's going to look like a massively insensitive move. So once again...here I am on Valentine's Day wanting for ONCE IN MY LIFE to get what I actually want.

 

And it pisses me off because every year there's those stupid news articles advising men not to get roses, because they're too cliche or whatever. WHATEVER. Roses are the classic Valentine's Day flower for a REASON. They are the most beautiful flower, they keep their shape, their colors are incredibly deep...but I guess husband decided to take the advice of some web article over the words of his wife? It's just that he's NEVER ASKED what I like. I've told him, yes, but apparently he's forgotten--and yet he doesn't just ask me. I'd tell him straight up 100% what I want and I feel like a loving husband should take the time to figure out what flowers his wife likes--good grief, we've been together for five years now, it seems like he should know, but he apparently has no clue.

 

I guess I just needed to vent, because I feel I already know what I have to do--grin and bear it, be thankful, and accept that I may never get what I want for Valentine's Day. Still, it's freaking frustrating because why should I be touched by a bouquet of flowers that, had he been thinking, he'd have known I wouldn't really like? I want to be more direct with him because this is stupid. He's wasting his money, honestly. He could spend half as much and make me twice as happy--he basically paid to give his wife a headache. Should I just give up? Can anyone else relate just to make me feel a little better?

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Well, maybe he looked at the price of roses and decided to substitute. I buy myself flowers all the time, and what is normally a $10 bunch of roses was $30 the other day.

 

I think maybe you should be happy he asked and then did something. What did you do for him?

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i agree with the others, red roses are insanely expensive for this day, maybe he did take the hint but buys them another day....but then i also think this whole day is just for commercial purposes, and we don't do anything about it....i rather get a heartfelt gift any other day than a forced, overly prized one at valentine's day

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I don't mean to sound offensive as I clearly don't know you in real life, but your whole post just gives off a really strong vibe of being spoiled and entitled. I know you might not have intended for that to be the case, but that's just the impression I got when I read it.

 

Try to empathize here and think of it from his perspective. You told him you liked flowers. You said you used to like pink but that it's no longer your favourite colour. He ended up getting you some mostly pink flowers. Ask yourself--did he really miss the mark by an incredible amount?

 

Aside from the obvious issue that many people are clearly putting too much weight into these consumerist holidays, I think we need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture here. We should be taking these holidays as an opportunity to celebrate what you have--love, a caring partner, etc. They shouldn't be taken for granted. Many people don't have those things in their lives.

 

When we starting getting angst and despair that our partners didn't purchase the right brand of chocolate or type or flower, we need to be firm with ourselves and acknowledge that our priorities have gone astray. That's the wat I see it anyway.

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I agree with you all, to a point. She did spell out what her preferences were and he ignored them. He got her the kind of flower she didn't like! I'd be a little upset myself, not at the quality of the gifts, but at the fact that he blatantly ignored what she was saying to him. Men sometimes don't listen when we talk to them and this is one example of this. Now, he DID get her flowers, I'll give him that, but they were a type she didn't like. Was he playing a subtle passive/aggressive thing here? I don't give or get things on V Day just on this principle. It always leads to disappointment.

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I think you should just be grateful for whatever you get. There are a lot of women here, myself included who would love to get a gift, any gift for Valentines! There are plenty more who would just love to have someone to share the day with.

 

I agree with saffron...i spend most of my time with the broken hearted people of this forum and we would give our right arm just for a text message!!!

 

You are lucky you have the person you love with you, that on it''s own is a gift...no money can buy that.

 

loulou x

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i know how gou feel.. its been 6 hears and I even mention that a card and dollar store stuffed animal would make me happy. I absolutely hate valentjnes day because everg year I set myself up to be dissappointed. I told him I want to go see "the vow" friday so that is what he is doing for me. I would of liked for him to think of sonething himself, but I have tried doing that and not mentionig anything to him and I ended up in tears because he forgot about the day... and he came home with nothing and I had spent all day making his fave dinner. It is not worth the fight hnestly it is a stupid hallmark day and I refuse to get mad about it anymore.

 

I do nit understand what is so hard for him that he can not just think 'ok i will get her a card telk her how much I care' but its something I will never figure out. I have stopped wasting time on it.

 

i try and remind myself of what he does for me all year and not just this stupid day, as hard as it canbe to not get wrapped up in the v-day madness.

 

I know how you feel, it sucks. but I have come to the conclusion that unless I get a new boyfriend, this is not going to change because I have done everything short of buying my iwn gift to get him to change. he is just not the lovey dovey romantic type.

 

and I guess the fact he is willing to watch "the vow" with me is pretty big considering he hates those type of movies.

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I absolutely hate valentjnes day because everg year I set myself up to be dissappointed.

 

I think this is a really great quote, because it highlights the fact that people "set themselves up" to be disappointed. To the OP, I think that by placing all this weight on this very specific request, and then building it up so much in your mind, you have set yourself up. Instead of going into days like this specifying what you want, getting anxious about whether you will get it, and then giving in to disappointment if you don't, try thinking only of what you are going to do for that other person that day. It should be about giving, as most things should. What did you do for him?

 

I do understand your frustration about not feeling like you're being heard. But is that a relationship problem, or just this one time? If he is not listening to what you want all the time, then perhaps this is just a symbol of that for you, and needs to be addressed. But if, for the most part, he is listening and trying, then you need to let it go and remember that lots of people would love to have that.

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Oh good grief. XD It's like you guys didn't even read my post. How can you say I'm spoiled and entitled if what I'm saying is, "Honey...you don't have to spend so much money on me. Rather than spending $60 for a premade arrangement, just go buy me a $20 bouquet from Bag N Save."? The issue here is that I feel that he is WASTING money on me by getting me something I don't particularly like when he could spend much less and get me something I DO like. I think anybody with sense would be frustrated if somebody insisted on spending three times the amount of what they really want to get something they don't want--it's just silly. For example, let's say you want to go to your favorite inexpensive Mexican restaurant for VDay, but instead your partner insists on taking you to a fancy French restaurant that costs three times as much, but whose food you like three times less--most people would find that a little frustrating. And make no mistake--the arrangement he got me is at least twice the cost of a bouquet of a dozen red roses, if not three times. It's not that it's fancy, it's that they mark up a ridiculous amount for the vase and for the arranging--we already have a dozen decent vases and I can trim them myself, in fact to me that is part of the joy of getting flowers**.

 

Thank you thejigsup, for getting what I was saying.

 

Chris, my husband does plenty of stuff on his own--obviously, since the whole point is that he's certainly not doing what I want! Hehe. But I get your point, and I'm sure you are at least partly right. Nobody wants to think they're just the person who writes the checks, you want to feel like you put something into a gift. But don't you think that he'd want to know the truth? If you were in his shoes, and your girl did not like the gifts you spent a good amount of money giving her--wouldn't you want to know? Sure, she could just "be grateful" and pretend they're awesome and let you continue to waste your money just to protect your pride, but...I'd think a man would prefer she save him some money and be honest with him.

 

Fathom, I get what you are saying, and I agree with your philosophy of focusing on the blessing of having such a great partner. And 364 days of the year I can do that just fine, but this just happens to be one of very few relatively trivial things that I feel strongly about. I don't expect stuff for my birthday (even though he always wants to give it to me), I'm not big on Christmas, I don't expect gifts on our anniversary--it really boils down to that for just once in my life, I want what I've always wanted for Valentine's Day, which is specifically a box of a dozen roses and a pretty heart-shaped box of chocolates. But I'd settle for just a dozen roses wrapped in cellophane. Heck, I'd be happy with just half a dozen roses wrapped in cellophane--even if they were all pink or heck even yellow! I just feel that strongly about roses--truth is they are my favorite flower in the whole world, but husband doesn't seem to know that**.

 

TalkTheTalk9

To the OP, I think that by placing all this weight on this very specific request, and then building it up so much in your mind, you have set yourself up. Instead of going into days like this specifying what you want, getting anxious about whether you will get it, and then giving in to disappointment if you don't, try thinking only of what you are going to do for that other person that day. It should be about giving, as most things should.
I don't build it up much in my mind, nor do I get particularly anxious about it, except that I do feel guilty for not loving what he's giving me. But I know it's not a big deal, that's why I started my post with, "this isn't a big deal." It's just one of those little things that is so frustrating because honesty would solve the whole thing, yet I can't just be honest because honesty means being ungrateful, so instead it seems we are going to be stuck in this little trap of him wasting money and me pretending to love it until he eventually asks me about what I like. It will just make it THAT MUCH MORE EXCITING when he finally "gets it right." LOL, seriously--I'll probably burst into tears. But yes, you are right--I should focus more on giving. I will try.

 

mhowe (and bulletproof), I haven't done anything for him. I asked him if he wanted anything, he clearly said no. I still intend to try to make the day a little special, hoping we can make a baby tonight. Thanks everyone for the advice and words of wisdom, Happy Valentine's to you all. I knew I'd come accross as ungrateful to some people, but it's just that I really feel he'd want me to be honest, especially if it saves him money. Hehe. BUT....he's very sensitive. So it's a delicate situation, his feelings can get hurt very easily I've found, so...it's tough.

 

(**This is the root of this--I feel that there are certain things my husband should KNOW about me--the little things that make a person different, their unique preferences.)

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I think you should just be grateful for whatever you get. There are a lot of women here, myself included who would love to get a gift, any gift for Valentines! There are plenty more who would just love to have someone to share the day with.

 

I would love to have a man who loves me, and who would remember to buy me flowers. I agree, red roses are insanely expensive in the days after valentine's day - crazy markups!!

 

I think be grateful for what you have, and give your husband a big kiss when he gets home from work.

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(**This is the root of this--I feel that there are certain things my husband should KNOW about me--the little things that make a person different, their unique preferences.)

 

I do agree that can be annoying. When you tell someone very specifically that you want this or don't want that, and they give you that gift anyway. It took me years to get my mom to stop buying me clothes. I would hate that she would spend money on something I'd turn around right away and give to Goodwill.

 

Unfortunately, there's no way you can really say on Feb 12th, "I like red roses, not pink roses, you buffoon!!!" If you want red roses on valentine's day, you might want to go to Bag and Save yourself and get them. But you can hint the rest of the year - like if you and him are out somewhere or at the grocery store, you can say, "Red roses are my favorite! look how beautiful they are!!" maybe he will one day get the hint. and if he doesn't, at least you still have a husband who loves you.

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I knew I'd come accross as ungrateful to some people, but it's just that I really feel he'd want me to be honest, especially if it saves him money.

 

By the way, I think many men think that more expensive = a better present. They don't realize that for women, that isn't always the case. Buying something thoughtful with her preferences in mind is better than an expensive present. But, guys don't always get that.

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I'll play devil's advocate on both ends here. First, it does hurt when you tell someone what you want and then they proceed to go gift-shopping and say "Gee, he/she is SOOO hard to shop for. What could I possibly get them?"

 

A lot of you are kinda picking on the OP for having something specific in mind and being disappointed. As a pretty low-maintenance kind of guy, I can understand. For me, any gift adds to my life. There was only one that I got that really disappointed me, and the reasons for that were highly personal.

 

But let me present the other side: at least she knows what she wants. Not everyone who says "Oh, anything will be fine as long as its from you" or "You don't have to get me anything," or "Oh, I'm happy with just a card and maybe breakfast" is actually serious. Many times, someone will say this and they'll probably even think they mean it, but then they'll get exactly that, or only a little bit more than that, and be underwhelmed. After all, as the doorman said in Fight Club: "When you don't know what you want, you get a lot of what you don't."

 

Rather than bearing their due responsibility for not really taking the time to know what they want, they'll twist and turn and find some reason that their partner must not care. Or they'll bear it on the cross of relationship martyrdom, pretend they've "forgiven" their significant other for the "insult" while saving it as conflict-fuel for some other day. Oh joy.

 

To summarize the above, if a person isn't happy with just anything, they really are doing the least selfish, responsible thing by not only figuring out what they want, but telling their significant other what they want.

 

Flowers are a problematic gift for V-Day anyway though. I generally prefer to get them for birthdays, just because, or other special occasions when I can buy them fresh the day before without waiting in a line for three hours behind a whole bunch of yahoos who procrastinated on all of their gifting. If you're going to get them for Valentines, and if you want them fresh, you almost HAVE to buy an arrangement and/or have one delivered. You just can't get flowers the day before valentines from the grocery store if you want to make it out in one piece.

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What is the fun of having you tell him what to buy? No fun in that.

 

You know what's less fun than being told what to get? A lot less fun? Being forced to guess what she wants, that's what.

 

Ladies, please ignore what Chris says, and frikken' tell us what you want. (Also, I'm pretty sure that's not his real picture.)

 

I suspect what really happened is he tried to buy you the roses you wanted and either found out that they were sold out or that they cost $80 each or something. So he did the best he could.

 

I'll tell you a secret: we guys hate valentine's day because we know that whatever we get you isn't going to be good enough. Surprise her with a dozen roses at work? One of her co-workers got two dozen roses and now you're a cheapskate. Gold earrings? You're a clod who didn't realize that she prefers pearls. Vacation in Tahiti and Bora Bora? You're inconsiderate because you didn't plan a romantic dinner during the layover between flights. Romantic dinner at the nicest place in town followed by hot-tubbing under the stars and his-n-her massages? Oops, you forgot that this is contradance night.

 

I'm not exaggerating here; these are real examples. The thing with the roses happened to someone else, but all the others happened to me. And now this poor sap is in the doghouse for getting the wrong kind of flowers.

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You know, there's something I need to get off my chest:

 

It was exactly two years ago this week that I found out my girlfriend had lied to me about going on a business trip so she could spend a week, including Valentine's day, with another man. I tried to call her to wish her happy Valentine's day, and she didn't answer the phone.

 

We've been spending the two years since then trying to patch our relationship together.

 

Now, two years later, it's Valentine's day, and she's out of town for two weeks on a business trip. In the next state over from where this man lives. I'm spending Valentine's day alone yet again.

 

So right now, I'm not feeling a lot of pity for someone who got the wrong flowers.

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I agree with you all, to a point. She did spell out what her preferences were and he ignored them. He got her the kind of flower she didn't like! I'd be a little upset myself, not at the quality of the gifts, but at the fact that he blatantly ignored what she was saying to him. Men sometimes don't listen when we talk to them and this is one example of this. Now, he DID get her flowers, I'll give him that, but they were a type she didn't like. Was he playing a subtle passive/aggressive thing here? I don't give or get things on V Day just on this principle. It always leads to disappointment.

 

I'm not sure I buy this line of reasoning as it just isn't realistic. Everyone hears messages in different ways. While you might say something to the effect of "I really love yellow tulips", the other person can easily just hear "She likes flowers". Minor peripheral details like the kind of flowers or brand of chocolate, etc, don't really stick, as they don't perceive them as relevant.

 

Heck, I had a roommate once who was a huge Vancouver Canucks fan. He would always talk about the games, the players on the team, etc. For his birthday, his girlfriend ended up buying him a Boston Bruins jersey because she knew that "he liked hockey". That's all she really focused on. The nuances below the preference didn't stick out as relevant for her. And I can't say I blame her. If you're not particularly passionate about hockey yourself--or flowers, or whatever other example you want to use--it's not something that comes naturally.

 

In any case, I stand by my comment that this is just consumerist and a case of being too picky. And ultimately I don't even see how it's romantic, considering that giving someone a specific grocery list of things you want takes the entire decision away from that person as to what to give. At that point they're just forking over money; you're asking for no thought or independence from them. But to each his own I guess.

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While it's nice of you to keep him in the loop on what your favorite color is, that's not all you need to do if you expect him to buy you flowers that color as well. If you don't like the gift he gave you and want something different on future gift-giving holidays, I think you need to first not be so encouraging now, meaning don't tell him you like these flowers - be real and tell him what you're telling us. Also, you very specifically know what it is that you want - why didn't you just tell him? Expecting him to read your mind is a setup for sure failure. I didn't see in your post where you told him directly what kind of flowers you wanted like you told us, only what your new favorite color is, what kind of roses you like, and what kind of chocolates you like. I also didn't see anything in your post where you told him there was a kind of flower you don't like. All I got from what you said is your favorite color is red, you like 2 kinds of roses and a certain type of chocolates - none of that rules out getting you other types of flowers and the flowers he got you were a mix of your old and new favorite colors - thoughtful I'd say.

 

Those new articles are stupid TO YOU. Roses are the most beautiful flower to YOU - my wife hates them.

 

I think it's really insensitive to accuse him of 'not thinking' when YOU are the one that didn't tell him what KIND of flowers you wanted.

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I'm still just floored that someone not only knew what they wanted, was honest about what they wanted, but they actually TOLD their special someone what they wanted for Valentine's Day without feeling it "devalues" the gift (or pulling out the stock nonsense of "I shouldn't have to tell you.")

 

Say what you want about how she "should" feel (she's already said several times that she is thankful, but is disconcerted by what she feels is a lack of attention to detail) but let's face it: if more people had that kind of honesty and were that straightforward, the total post count of the "Healing After Break-Up Or Divorce" board would be like, half.

 

Seriously, do we have a notary public to commemorate this to the annals? An historian?

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So right now, I'm not feeling a lot of pity for someone who got the wrong flowers.

 

I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for OP as well. I had (and am still having) a miscarriage this morning. My boyfriend didn't get me anything, but he left work early to be with me when he found out. That is love. Screw what colour flowers you prefer, there are more important things.

 

Boohoo, you didn't get the right flowers. Getting you the right flowers does not prove he loves you. It proves that he has a good memory.

 

Valentine's Day is not about getting STUFF, it's about cherishing the fact that you have a special person in your life who loves you.

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