Breaking up with possible Borderline (BPD).

[Gyroscope00]

My gf & I have been dating off & on since 2012. I feel like I've put up with so much. I also don't feel like the direction we had in mind will ever come into fruition. She seems to think so. She likes to set things up in the future so we have "mini commitments". I dread those things somewhat. I think she has extreme mood swings... attributing it to BPD. She seems to think they're related to PMS. I think it happens too often to be PMS. I also think there's negativity that will last all day long. Sometimes I feel very bad allowing other friends/family in the vicinity to experience the negativity. I'd say she's a pessimist. I probably don't treat her all that great... or I remain unemotional during the times she's in these "moods". I used to engage.. and we would be in fiery arguments. I guess you could say, I'm getting burnt out. I think she feels my detachment and tries to cover it up with affection. I also feel like I can't be 100% myself around her. I have to be careful what I say or what I reveal. She doesn't get my humor. She doesn't really have a sense of humor or it's a bit dark. Sometimes I feel like i'm walking on eggshells. I feel that things are very complicated with the history we've had together.. and I don't feel like a sudden break-up is the right way about it. Is there some sort of questionnaire for Borderline personality disorder ? Is there a break up questionnaire as well ? Thanks.

[melancholy123]

I dont know about any quizzes you can take but you two sure dont right for each other.

[Seraphim]

It is best not to diagnose our partners. And borderline personality disorder is not going to be diagnosed by a Quizz. A lot of times it can take a psychiatrist many months to fully diagnose that .

[Hollyj]

Stop diagnosing. it does not matter. You are not compatible or happy.

 

If you are looking for a break up questionnaire, why don't you Google it?

 

End it. Don;t know why you would drag this out? Look up co dependency for yourself.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is there some sort of questionnaire for Borderline personality disorder ?

 

It's not a guessing game, but rather an illness that only a professional can diagnose. Either way, it may be time to throw in the towel.

[ThatwasThen]

My gf & I have been dating off & on since 2012. I feel like I've put up with so much. I also don't feel like the direction we had in mind will ever come into fruition. She seems to think so. She likes to set things up in the future so we have "mini commitments". I dread those things somewhat. I think she has extreme mood swings... attributing it to BPD. She seems to think they're related to PMS. I think it happens too often to be PMS. I also think there's negativity that will last all day long. Sometimes I feel very bad allowing other friends/family in the vicinity to experience the negativity. I'd say she's a pessimist. I probably don't treat her all that great... or I remain unemotional during the times she's in these "moods". I used to engage.. and we would be in fiery arguments. I guess you could say, I'm getting burnt out. I think she feels my detachment and tries to cover it up with affection. I also feel like I can't be 100% myself around her. I have to be careful what I say or what I reveal. She doesn't get my humor. She doesn't really have a sense of humor or it's a bit dark. Sometimes I feel like i'm walking on eggshells. I feel that things are very complicated with the history we've had together.. and I don't feel like a sudden break-up is the right way about it. Is there some sort of questionnaire for Borderline personality disorder ? Is there a break up questionnaire as well ? Thanks.

You could just google borderline personality disorder and see if she measures up to most or all of the criteria... however; whether she is or she isn't BPD'ered isn't relevant. Your focus should be on why you keep putting up with all of this and going back after breaking up 12 times.

 

If you're going to google, BPD also google "codependency" and educate yourself about that as well because not getting away from someone who you can't keep it together with is one of the criteria of the codependent. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm just suggesting some reading material that may encourage you to get the strength to stay gone from her.

 

Time to get yourself away from her and maybe get the help of a therapist to guide you in how to keep gone from her. You do believe you deserve to be happy and treated well, right?

[RayRay63]

...dating off & on since 2012... I also feel like I can't be 100% myself around her. I have to be careful what I say or what I reveal. She doesn't get my humor. She doesn't really have a sense of humor or it's a bit dark. Sometimes I feel like i'm walking on eggshells.

 

This doesn't sound like a relationship where you two are truly compatible. Were the "off" times in the past linked to the aftermath of the fiery arguments?

 

Rather than trying to diagnose her, look at some information written by qualified psychologists, about healthy relationships having a balance of power between the partners.

 

If you try to re-establish your own personal validity by being yourself, she might do the breaking up for you.

[Gyroscope00]

Well of course i'm not a doctor or psychologist. But I do know there are personality disorders. I just wish I knew more about them & how to really recognize the signs. She is on AD's. Her & I did go see a counselor for a few months. I felt I was the level headed one through the sessions. She almost took the aim of trying to point out all the things I was doing wrong in the relationship & how I need to create more of a loving & nurturing environment. The problem with disorders/mood swings is.. in the back of my mind I don't think it's someone's direct fault for the way they're behaving. & It's really odd how we could have an entire day filled with negative energy. Then I will snap via yelling/arguing. Then the following day it's business as usual.. she's nice and giving... (it's almost like the day before didn't happen). Ok.. all of you are telling me to end it & get on with my life. & I need to hear that if this will be the right decision for me... because it will be a drastic one.. considering how much we pretend to friends & family that everything has been going great. She's been seeing all the new nieces & nephews I have on my siblings side. (she probably has a bit of baby fever) We've been back together this time around for about 13 months. We have been engaged probably 3 years ago. We haven't really started the marriage discussion this time around... As her son is getting married this summer, so the focus has been more towards that. We started moving in the direction to combine houses & focusing on planning for the future. I started construction projects at her house.. I started moving some of my belongings in. She likes to map out how we can get it all figured out & live happily ever after. Then last month we took a trip out of state for a week... and for me to endure 24 hours a day with her.. was rough... and too be honest I've been waiting for an extreme reason to end the relationship. I just can't find one yet. I also work long days that are very mentally draining.. so it's been hard for me to focus on processing everything with this relationship. She's never been the one to do the breaking up... (which would make this much easier.) She says she loves me, wants to care for me & wants us to have a beautiful life together. (I keep thinking it's a trap). I know if i'm on the fence of marrying this woman & having children.. that has to be a direct sign right ? If I look back at all pictures of places we've gone/stuff we've done.. I can say that we have had quite a history over 7 years... & I would be throwing it all away. (which I've done in the past) When we've gotten back together.. things are great for a few months.. or in this case almost a year.. then the grim reality starts setting in. I guess what I'm looking for is how I can process through all this so I'm not making it devastating for her. I have a goal in mind for this summer. Thanks for all the feedback.

[Gyroscope00]

Thanks I need to hear stuff like this. As I feel I've raveled up an even larger ball of yarn this time around. I really need to get all 7 years out out on the table. Because they seem like a blur to me. I can't pinpoint what years we've broken up and for what duration. & the reasoning for breaking up and getting back together. (That will take hours of therapy type discussion). I'll just say.. that it's almost like it feels like the only thing to do.. for me to be happy. During the in-betweens.. I probably didn't take enough time away for myself. To really develop my own Self Identity. I did date casually.. but also felt like things would start to get complicated with some girls I would be seeing. I really enjoyed my independence... but I think I couldn't find another girl with the personality traits I was looking for.... hence me going back to my ex. It almost felt like some mysterious force would bring us back together again. Like we could randomly see each other in public.. and different signs would appear over the next few weeks.. it was very interesting. & I would start reminiscing of all the good times we had together. Also wanted to add, i'm the type of person that is ok remaining friends (at a distance) with anyone.. ex's or not. She likes to shut me out/have nothing to do with me and totally treats me like the enemy, when we've broken up.

[Hollyj]

I am certain she will survive.

 

It sounds miserable. Don't understand why you prolong this.

[ThatwasThen]

Then last month we took a trip out of state for a week... and for me to endure 24 hours a day with her.. was rough... and too be honest I've been waiting for an extreme reason to end the relationship. I just can't find one yet.p

You mean breaking up and getting back together since 2012 due to the toxicity of your relationship and not being able to spend 24 hours in her company without wanting to get away isn't enough reason for you? What do YOU think a good reason would be?

 

I'm sure your family won't be surprised if you finally get yourself out of and away from the mess... they've been watching this go on for a long time.

[RayRay63]

it was very interesting. & I would start reminiscing of all the good times we had together.

 

That, OP, is just fading affect bias. You might want to google that.

 

She likes to shut me out/have nothing to do with me and totally treats me like the enemy, when we've broken up.

 

Whatever the reason for that is, it actually makes things easier for you.

 

...point out all the things I was doing wrong in the relationship & how I need to create more of a loving & nurturing environment

 

Sounds selfish to me.

 

She says she loves me, wants to care for me & wants us to have a beautiful life together.

 

The "me" she loves is the guy who walks on eggshells around her, represses his own personality so as not to upset her, and is very unhappy in this relationship.

 

I really think that if you stand your ground and just be yourself (and stay calm and don't engage in arguments) you'll be better off, in one way or another.

 

And, get your belongings (that you want back) out of her house ASAP.

[figureitout23]

Please please please recognize you are an active participant. You take the drivers seat in this as much as she does, you are not a victim of her and you could leave at any point and if she is as you are describing and you recognize it and stay anyway you neeed to look within not at her, she’s going to be who she is but you have the power to fix you.

 

Please remember that. also make sure you’re looking up codependence.

[MissCanuck]

OP, my ex was diagnosed BPD. By two different psychiatrists.

 

An online quiz isn't going to do anything but confirm what you already know to be volatile and unhealthy behaviour. What do you intend to do with the results? Show her and try to convince her that she suffers from this personality disorder? Because let me tell you, you are not likely to get anywhere with that. What is it you feel a quiz can do for you?

 

I get the extreme ups and downs you're describing. The difference is that I only stuck around for about a year before I finally called it a day. I couldn't do it anymore, and needed to take accountability for my own choices. I had more power to direct my own life than I realized. Rather than waiting and hoping he'd finally seek treatment (he didn't) I did what I needed to do and parted ways.

 

You don't need internet quizzes to remind you how unhappy you are or how toxic this situation is. You don't need to wait for some "drastic" moment to end it. The longer you delay the break-up, the more you are prolonging your own unhappiness. You have a responsibility towards yourself, too.

[RayofLighten]

You cant see that you are the cause of allot her issues can you. You sound like a really crap boyfriend to honest. You talk about her with such contempt that i feel bad for her having to put up with you. You sound like you really dislike her. You admitted that you don't treat her very well so it's no wonder she is having issues. Let the girl go instead of using medical conditions to cover the fact that you are a terrible boyfriend.

[Wiseman2]

All you need to do to get off this roller coaster is reflect on your role in all this. You can fling this that and the other diagnosis around, but the bottom line is why are you there?

 

Agree you "don't treat her all that great" because you make her out to be the sole problem and are excessively critical, yet...there you are.

My gf & I have been dating off & on since 2012.

I think she has extreme mood swings... attributing it to BPD.

She seems to think they're related to PMS. I think it happens too often to be PMS.

I probably don't treat her all that great..

She doesn't get my humor. She doesn't really have a sense of humor or it's a bit dark.

[ThatwasThen]

So many ask about BPD and other mental health/emotional issues regarding their partners that I am starting to realize that its human nature to want to try and figure out why the heck someone would treat them like that and not feel guilty about the abuse. As such, I give the hint to google and read but to also read codependency because they themselves are suffering in it or they would not leave anyone that made them feel as this Op is feeling regarding someone they are suppose to love and who is suppose to love them but it is really only addiction to one another.

[katrina1980]

 

Please please please recognize you are an active participant. You take the drivers seat in this as much as she does, you are not a victim of her and you could leave at any point and if she is as you are describing and you recognize it and stay anyway you neeed to look within not at her, she’s going to be who she is but you have the power to fix you.

 

Please remember that. also make sure you’re looking up codependence.

 

Very simply -- this!! ^^^

 

Cut and paste to your fridge and read it every morning and every night till it sinks in.

 

It's 1000% SPOT ON.

[Gyroscope00]

You mean breaking up and getting back together since 2012 due to the toxicity of your relationship and not being able to spend 24 hours in her company without wanting to get away isn't enough reason for you? What do YOU think a good reason would be?

 

I'm sure your family won't be surprised if you finally get yourself out of and away from the mess... they've been watching this go on for a long time.

 

Yes.. I know it sounds crazy on paper. & that's why I need help... To really figure out what's going to be best for myself, my son & for her to be happy in her own life. The interesting part is .. it seems to me that she's happy with me. & she wants to include me in all her future plans. My family is supportive either way... they want me to be happy. They've known her for quite sometime now & have treated her like part of the family. (sort of). They aren't the judgemental type when it comes to my relationship nor my siblings. I can say.. though I was told by my Mom that.. the last time I broke up with my gf.. was that I should stay split up and not go through this emotional rollercoaster with someone that carries their heart on their sleeve.

[Gyroscope00]

I am certain she will survive.

 

It sounds miserable. Don't understand why you prolong this.

 

You're right... I'd say I do because of how many layers to this relationship, I've allowed to build. Which I was probably weak in the past.. and allowed myself (& her) to get twisted up in our current state again...

[Gyroscope00]

That, OP, is just fading affect bias. You might want to google that.

 

-You're right on that.. thanks for pointing that out. FAB sounds like my personality.. as I tend to only remember the good times & I suppress or avoid negativity as much as I can. For some reason.. I've always thought of her as focusing on the opposite... pessimistic/negative type views. She has brought up things in the past that she viewed as horrid & would throw them in my face again... after months/years. I never knew quite how to resolve those types of conversations. Can I say that in a weird way.. the chemistry of opposites attract.. is why we continued on our path ? Like Yin/Yang ? That's where I get confused.. because sometimes I feel like I was placed in her life to heal. But man.. I have no idea why she was placed in my life other than a learning experience.

 

Whatever the reason for that is, it actually makes things easier for you.

 

 

 

Sounds selfish to me.

 

 

 

The "me" she loves is the guy who walks on eggshells around her, represses his own personality so as not to upset her, and is very unhappy in this relationship.

 

I really think that if you stand your ground and just be yourself (and stay calm and don't engage in arguments) you'll be better off, in one way or another.

 

And, get your belongings (that you want back) out of her house ASAP.

 

That is some incredible advice. I have been thinking this exact thing. I have tools in the garage/clothes.. etc. & I've done this type of planning in the past of slowly moving things back to my house. (without her noticing too much).

[Gyroscope00]

Please please please recognize you are an active participant. You take the drivers seat in this as much as she does, you are not a victim of her and you could leave at any point and if she is as you are describing and you recognize it and stay anyway you neeed to look within not at her, she’s going to be who she is but you have the power to fix you.

 

Please remember that. also make sure you’re looking up codependence.

 

You're probably right with all this. & that's why I decided to look for advice/help. I know i'm not perfect. I think i'm just too nice of person & I don't know when to put my guard up or really kick someone to the curb. I'm the type of person who will chat with anyone and listen... For some reason I get a kick out of trying to help people work through their issues/problems. Sometimes.. I get tied up in long drawn out conversations.. & I feel i'm trapped ..so to speak.

 

With the co-dependence.. i'm not sure of... maybe i'm the enabler.. as allowing the relationship to continue.. without her really knowing how I feel in the background. I sort of know.. she knows that i'm distant often..and stern. I know if we had a heart to heart conversation... it would be too much to really hash out in one sitting.. until i'm absolutely ready.. as I know.. that once the ties get severed.. the walls go up. (my belongings have been held hostage in the past).

[Gyroscope00]

OP, my ex was diagnosed BPD. By two different psychiatrists.

 

An online quiz isn't going to do anything but confirm what you already know to be volatile and unhealthy behaviour. What do you intend to do with the results? Show her and try to convince her that she suffers from this personality disorder? Because let me tell you, you are not likely to get anywhere with that. What is it you feel a quiz can do for you?

 

Well just to reinstate what I already feel. Sometimes a list helps me formulate/justify the way I feel about something. I would like to show her the results. I've tried time & again to tell her that I think it's BPD. She thinks its PMDD.. and that its just cyclical & there's nothing that's going to change that. I've tried to show her YouTube videos.. but that just turned into an arguement fest and her gaslighting me / telling me I'm the one with issues. I just think her moods change very frequently... also Caffeine & Alcohol can have an pronounced effect with the negativity. I've told her to stop both.. but she doesn't seem to agree with me.

 

I get the extreme ups and downs you're describing. The difference is that I only stuck around for about a year before I finally called it a day. I couldn't do it anymore, and needed to take accountability for my own choices. I had more power to direct my own life than I realized. Rather than waiting and hoping he'd finally seek treatment (he didn't) I did what I needed to do and parted ways.

 

I did the same thing.. the 1st year in... then the 2nd time around.. then the 3rd. We've done counseling in the past & she's been on AD's for a while. But of course that only helped so much... or just masks. Do you think someone can actually recover from BDP with treatment ? I always thought.. my leaving will allow to her reflect.... and we'd be in a better place.

I guess I went back for the stability... since the dating life.. would get too complicated.

 

You don't need internet quizzes to remind you how unhappy you are or how toxic this situation is. You don't need to wait for some "drastic" moment to end it. The longer you delay the break-up, the more you are prolonging your own unhappiness. You have a responsibility towards yourself, too.

 

I know.. but at least it would help reassure me.. & I can read often to realize the state of things. I'm sort of a forgetful person.. so having things in writing helps a lot.

I get that... but I don't have a drastic reason to end it either.. but I feel things waning... We have a trip out of state next month with her son & his fiance. & we also have his wedding to attend out of state in the summer.. and she's been wanting me to help out with a few things. I don't want to cause an extreme disturbance/breakdown, until I know it's better timing. There are other reasons too. (maybe i'm being too considerate) ?

[Gyroscope00]

So many ask about BPD and other mental health/emotional issues regarding their partners that I am starting to realize that its human nature to want to try and figure out why the heck someone would treat them like that and not feel guilty about the abuse. As such, I give the hint to google and read but to also read codependency because they themselves are suffering in it or they would not leave anyone that made them feel as this Op is feeling regarding someone they are suppose to love and who is suppose to love them but it is really only addiction to one another.

 

You said it... "addiction" . That's ringing a bell for me. BPD must have some underlying issues with addiction to their partner. She asks for affection quite often.. to "help her feel better". She often forces me to hold her hand. She'll beg for me to stay the night with her. She'll demand affection/intimacy throughout the day. Sometimes I feel awkward with the PDA.. so I'll just put my arm around her.. start talking about a loud topic or point out something interesting... a way to dissuade. haha.

[Gyroscope00]

You cant see that you are the cause of allot her issues can you. You sound like a really crap boyfriend to honest. You talk about her with such contempt that i feel bad for her having to put up with you. You sound like you really dislike her. You admitted that you don't treat her very well so it's no wonder she is having issues. Let the girl go instead of using medical conditions to cover the fact that you are a terrible boyfriend.

 

Haha... well what is the definition of a "crap boyfriend" ? If you ask her... she'll probably say I'm the best she's ever had & she'll list off compliments about me ..( at least that's what she tells me.. I'm wondering what she says when she's venting to her friends...) The weird thing is .. I don't really "dislike" her.. I just don't like the way her negativity fuels up and makes me feel like a pin cushion. What's interesting is.. that she's tamed it down through the years.. it used to be really bad... she's not as extreme... but the elephant still walks into the room. Yeah.. I don't really know if I've been the cause of her issues... maybe. I wish someone else would give me some insight to her past/childhood. She keeps it underwraps. & She's probably the most straightminded of her immediate family... so I haven't really gotten to know them very well.. except for her stepdad.. even her son's hard to get to know.... The communication difficulty has passed generations...