Should he be helping me or not?

[MikaGrey]

Lets start by saying that I've known my fiancé for around 15 years, and in all that time I have never known him to be shy with spending money (£3000 for a meal with an ex that he wasn't in love with for example). The guy is a proper gent, always has been and doesnt see money as an issue.

 

So here is my problem, I am struggling rather a lot, and recently I made the choice to move in with him and his parents (it's a country manor so they're almost in another universe in comparison to my old flat).

Now they are well off, which is quite intimidating and is taking some getting used to, but I generally just live my life the same (I'm a gaming and poptarts kinda gal, not fancy dinners and swish cars).

With them being well off, my fiancé has led a very comfortable life for the past few years at least, and never wants for anything (hence being able to spend his money as he pleases).

Okay so now actually on to the issue at hand, I am broke, and in debt after living alone and struggling with previous issues. Work has cut down my hours and for the past 4 months I have been unable to buy anything for myself- which I can deal with, stuff is just stuff, but here is where I am getting messed up...

Multiple times my fiancé has told me he wants to give me everything, the world, that he'll treat me to anything I want, and whilst we were tipsy last week I told him that while he is away in Florida for two weeks, I have the second week off and could potentially go and join him there. He, at this point offered to pay for my ticket (£500 return, not bad!). Since then he has denied saying that, and is point blank refusing to help in any way, saying he cannot afford it because he is saving up to spend money abroad and wouldnt have told me that. He knows I'm in debt, and is constantly saying he wants to help with it.. but its on his timeline, and I'm torn because I wish he hadnt said anything rather than offering to help and then both not doing so and retracting it.

He has also said multiple times that if he didnt have the money to go that his parents would front it, and I know what he earns and its a decent amount.. regardless of me joining him out there is he in the right to refuse to help me when he has plenty of money and is literally only keeping it to buy things when abroad?

I'm torn. If he'd never offered it wouldn't have bothered me but I feel manipulated, and awful about the whole thing.

[glitterfingers]

Let me get this straight... You feel manipulated here? Are you paying rent?

 

Tell him you misunderstood him and that you're sorry you put him in that position. Tell him you appreciate that his family is helping you out right now while you're in a tough financial situation and you'll do your best to turn it around so that you two can live a good life together.

[Iggy5129]

He has no obligation to pay your debts...are you for real?? Just because he has money and didn't make stupid decisions with it he is obligated to pay off your dumb choices?? I don't think so. Where did you get the idea that a boyfriend should pay for your past mistakes?!

 

If you get married then yeah you can work as a team to pay off your debt. But as of now you're technically just his roommate (with romantic involvement). Would you pay off a roommates debt? How is he manipulating you?? Your way of thinking is totally warped.

 

Get your life together, get your income up if you want your debt paid off and the ability to travel abroad. It's not his responsibility to pay your way for anything.

 

Do you even pay rent at his house? If not then what exactly are you complaining about? Use the rent savings to pay off your debt. Take some personal responsibility.

[J Miracle]

He has no obligation to pay your debts...are you for real?? Just because he has money and didn't make stupid decisions with it he is obligated to pay off your dumb choices?? I don't think so. Where did you get the idea that a boyfriend should pay for your past mistakes?!

 

If you get married then yeah you can work as a team to pay off your debt. But as of now you're technically just his roommate (with romantic involvement). Would you pay off a roommates debt? How is he manipulating you?? Your way of thinking is totally warped.

 

Get your life together, get your income up if you want your debt paid off and the ability to travel abroad. It's not his responsibility to pay your way for anything.

 

Do you even pay rent at his house? If not then what exactly are you complaining about? Use the rent savings to pay off your debt. Take some personal responsibility.

 

Did you read her post? It doesnt sound like anybody is paying off anybody's debt. Also its her fiance, not a roommate with benefits.

 

To address the question: you need to let this go, and chalk it up as a miscommunication. You both had been drinking when this commitment was made. Honestly it sounds like he just doesnt want you to go, particularly if he's paying your way. Is he going with the guys? Maybe its a guys trip?

 

Anyways you have very little ground to stand on here considering all the charity you've been afforded. I would ease up on the suspicions. how he is manipulating you, and his motives for manipulation make no sense and is not a fair assessment.

[mustlovedogs]

His wealth does not mean he is obligated to support you, no matter your struggles. That obligation only happens after marriage.

[glitterfingers]

His wealth does not mean he is obligated to support you, no matter your struggles. That obligation only happens after marriage.

 

Even after marriage, many people would not want to have to pay down their spouse's debts and cushion their lifestyle constantly. That's not what marriage is about. OP needs to use this brief opportunity to 1) be grateful and 2) work to be on an even keel with her fiance, as much as is humanly possible for her.

[mustlovedogs]

Even after marriage, many people would not want to have to pay down their spouse's debts and cushion their lifestyle constantly. That's not what marriage is about. OP needs to use this brief opportunity to 1) be grateful and 2) work to be on an even keel with her fiance, as much as is humanly possible for her.

 

Well after marriage debts are shared, so for mutual financial security, yes, I think debt support is needed.

[KantSleep]

Sounds like financial incompatibility. Is there anything you can do to increase your earning power? Go back to school, for instance. It looks like he doesn't want to support you so you need to figure out how to support yourself, especially in the event he breaks up with you over the financial imbalance. He would rather spend money on vacation then have you there with him. I would be worried he has one foot out the door.

[Lester]

Sounds like financial incompatibility. Is there anything you can do to increase your earning power? Go back to school, for instance. It looks like he doesn't want to support you so you need to figure out how to support yourself, especially in the event he breaks up with you over the financial imbalance. He would rather spend money on vacation then have you there with him. I would be worried he has one foot out the door.

 

Good advice, but I'm not sure if it's a foot out the door, instead, maybe a foot in some other women's door(s).

Also, a sign of things to come? (The wife with the parents routine?)

 

PS, Really harsh Iggy. Not like you!

[RainyCoast]

how long have you been together?

 

how long have you had financial problems for? (i mean yourself, with the debt)

I am broke, and in debt after living alone and struggling with previous issues.

and then...you met him?

 

Work has cut down my hours and for the past 4 months I have been unable to buy anything for myself

have you looked into options to earn some extra cash? in 4 months, i'm sure something would come up.

 

 

he may be reluctant to start helping you with the debt or to pay for unnecessary expenses (your ticket to florida), until he sees that you are not just sitting at home idly and gaming, instead of trying to increase your earnings and provide for yourself better.

 

i would venture to say if he doesn't see that happen, the marriage won't happen either, and a break up might be in the workings.

[glitterfingers]

Agreed with the others with him needing to see you develop and become more financially compatible. Financial disparity can really cause issues in a marriage, even though in a fairytale world we'd have this prince charming who will take care of us, in reality...if he has to pick you up when you fall down all the time, that might not be something he is willing to do unless he can see that you're going to turn things around in the future. I would definitely be working on self improvement right now so you know that within 3-5 years you can be earning as much as he does and with some job security. If you two are to share a life together, that is important.