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Advice about my situation


ElPelo

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Hello everyone ! First of all thanks for all the solace i found here by reading tons of stories and advices, this has been a tough month for me after my breakup, but i'm on the right path.

 

 

To summarize, I was with this girl from Jan. 2018 to Mar. 2019. Things could look a bit complicated at first but went really good right after we got together. I'm the best friend to his brother for 12 years now, also we have a significant age gap at our age (i'm 23 and she is 18). I only started to know her like 6 months before we started dating (at that time, she was 17 and that's when she started hanging out with her brother who was 22, just like me).

 

It was my first everything, also I wasn't very confident before i dated her. On her side, she has had many insignificant relationships (most of them were 1 month long at most). She kind of made the moves to date me, we ended up having a really beautiful 14-months story together, as we are two really romantic people, and we wanted the same things back then. But one month before the breakup, she started feeling really bad. First I couldn't figure what was wrong but then I learned it in late march : she was starting to fall in love for another friend of hers, and she felt like cheating on me, and putting a knife through my hearth.

 

We ended up breaking up, but there was really poor communication. On her side, she didn't want to hurt me too badly so she didn't tell me the things clearly, and on my side I didn't want to let go, as I was terribly in love with her. I realised I needed to grieve, and to not contact her, which I (almost) did for 6 weeks now. I only contacted her 4 weeks ago, when she told me her family was really mad at her for what she had done to me, and that they did not accept her choices at all... Also she got with this new guy right after. She told me that I couldn't understand her well enough (while he could), which is true I'm sure, but on her side she was not willing to be understood either...

 

 

 

Anyways, I went through grief, with help from my family and relatives (also a friend of my mother's who is a therapist) and I'm at a point where I don't obsess about her every minute anymore, and I understand the things in our relation that couldn't work. The thing is that I still feel something special towards her (and I think she does too, although I might be wrong). I'm also willing to fix things up even if they're clearly messed up.

 

Of course, I don't wanna bother her if she does not want to hear from me at all, but at the same time, I didn't want to hear from her during this grief process, and I kind of feel like i'm ready to talk without ressentment now. She also is in a very hard part of her life, and I know that she has a kind of self-loathing personnality... She hates her for some things she does (I'm pretty sure that she felt bad for doing that to me...). I feel like I shouldn't contact her at all, and that if she wanted to, she'd do it, I just feel like I should let her know that if she wants to talk, I'm here to listen ...?

 

 

Also note that I have blocked her on every network since the last talk we had, but we still can contact each other by telephone (although none of us two has tried to)

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I'm sorry, that you are going through this.

 

My friend, she is a liar and cheat. She thought nothing of getting involved with another man while being with you. This is not the type of girl you want to be with. If she loved you, she would have NEVER have done this. Stop romanticizing things. What she did was terrible! She did not care about your feelings and disrespected you.

 

If you go back to her, it will show that you do not love or respect yourself. I can also guarantee she will do it again!

 

Do not contact her. You must stay no contact. She is bad news. Block her on everything. You would be a fool to try to reconcile.

 

Lastly, she is not your friend. Move on with your life.

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Yes as above, shes a cheat. Block and delete on all social media and dont contact her or reply to her if she contacts you. She is not a good choice of partner. Do not accept an offer of 'friendship'.

 

It hurts now but will pass and on the plus side you are very young and have plenty of time to meet other people.

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I kind of agree with you guys but I also feel like she's lost, and that she did that "on a whim".

We're both young, and everyone can make mistakes (yeah, this is more than a mistake, I acknowledge that)...

 

Also, as she told me that I wasn't understanding her the proper way, that tells me that maybe i haven't be a good listener to her (I know I don't have most of the fault as she does, but still I have my part). Anyways I feel like she did things that made her "self-disgust" and i'm willing to tell her that I'm not angry at her, and that I'm ready to listen to her... Maybe I should just not

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You are not her therapist. Who cares if she is "lost!" She treated you like sh*t! C'mon!

Stop looking for excuses for her to disrespect you, again!

 

If she was not happy, then she could have told you, not cheated on you. Very common for cheater to blame the victim. This shows what type of person she is. Not nice.

 

Are you also going to listen to her talk about her boyfriend?

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Are you also going to listen to her talk about her boyfriend?

 

I guess you're right... It was also the first girl I ever loved and I ever got in a strong relation with, I should just look for other relations to grow up (even if this relation, and even more the breakup made me grow up A LOT)

 

I suppose I am acting poorly by feeling able to forgive her, but still... I do think I love and I respect myself, but I loved her a lot too, and to me it still feels like something beautiful was spoilt here :/

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When people try and make someone feel guilty about something at the end of the relationship it is usually because that person has cheated and she cannot handle what she has done so tried to force it onto you.

 

It's not really that I feel guilty... I just feel like I can forgive her :/ I know she did the wrong, and I think she knows that too...

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I guess I'm just still trapped in this typical feeling where it just feels like she was "the one" for me, and I'm wondering if I ever could meet someone that is so caring and so loving (yeah, she was like that even, one month before we broke up...) towards me...

I know I sound silly...

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Of course, but I have the feeling it was set reeeally high already (she was really, really beautiful, and had many qualities, she was kind of an artist girl, as I am more of a scientific kind of guy... Of course she had big defaults too :/ )

 

I guess the defaults were much worse than anything in the end...

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I see someone that is rationalizing everything instead of looking at what is really going on. Everything she has done you have excused it and rationalized her behavior. She is in a bad place or she is bad at communicating or whatever the reason, you have said to her "Its okay to use me as a doormat"

Now you are holding out hope and wishing she would contact you and say lets get together. You are in denial that it is over. Sure you might say all the right things on here but you have already forgiven her for everything and say its okay, I want you back. I can tell you that in the course of your life you are going to meet a lot of "The One". So rather than putting your hands to your face pretending you don't see her actions, why don't you face it. Its not going to work. Im sorry but at this point in your life and hers, its not going to work out. You two are on two different paths. She is 18 and has NO clue what she wants but she does know she doesn't want to be tied to you in a relationship. You believe that she will come around and you will be there with open arms.

What I think you must do is look inward and think why are you allowing yourself to be a doormat? Why are you allowing any woman to behave badly, treat you bad and yet you will take it and say its okay lets try that again. Do you have a low self esteem, was the sex that good, is she the hottest girl you have ever been with.. something in you is accepting this behavior and Im telling you, if you accept this now from an 18 yr old, you are going to get run over by women that are better at the game than she is.

So please, the best thing to do is just accept that its over, it didn't work and focus on you.

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She is remarkably immature for an 18 y/o. Also the age gap is not that great the maturity gap is huge. This was your first love so you are taking it hard. Are you getting formal therapy or just chatting with your mother's friend?. It may be time to consider some professional short term therapy to address the anxiety, obsessions, etc.

 

In the long run, learning about loss, disappointments and coping skills is an excellent investment. In the meantime, avoid, delete and block this drama-child from all your messaging apps and social media. Consider dating girls with a similar level of maturity, intelligence and emotional stability. Focus more on your studies, profession interests and get more involved in sports, clubs groups etc. Dating a friend's sister, especially one this immature will just be fraught with drama and unnecessary nonsense.

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I see someone that is rationalizing everything instead of looking at what is really going on.

 

You must be totally right about this, this is exactly what my mother's friend told me was the big issue about me... I need to try to less rationalize things and accept the facts.

I also think I'm allowing myself to be a doormat as you said, since I wasn't the "cool" kind of guy at all at High School (I didn't take care of myself at all, I only played videogames and studied).

 

 

I have a good situation now, and I've hit the gym since almost 8 months, and becoming more and more in shape (almost have the six packs for the summer, yeah for me it's a BIG deal). All this plus the fact that I could date a girl that was this beautiful (I mean, she was really one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met, even if my judgement must be biased) gave me more confidence in myself than I ever had.

 

At the same time I think I used to idealize love. As far as I can remember, I always told myself that the first girl I'll fall in love with would be the one, and maybe I hold on this false statement too hard, hence the denial that this is over... I still have this feeling somewhere in my heart.

I know I'm wrong, and I'm just trying my best to move on. Sometimes I surprise myself, it's like I've completely moved on and I feel great about myself and all, but the day after I just feel sad and wish she had never left me.

 

Anyways all of this helps me a lot.

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Dating a friend's sister, especially one this immature will just be fraught with drama and unnecessary nonsense.

 

Yeah... That's why it took us a long time before date, as I didn't want to ruin my relation with her family and her brother. Fortunately it didn't (but from the first day my best friend told me that if anything would happen between me and his sister, nothing would change between us two). The only thing I guess is that she dropped a lot in his family esteem regarding what she had done.

 

Still the thing is that at the beginning, she did not seem immature at all, even the opposite. As she had more experience in dating, she knew better what she wanted, and we talked about it a lot, but we had the same vision about commitment and what it would mean if we got together. Turns out it was just pretty lies from her. Or she just changed her mind over the time.

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Are you getting formal therapy or just chatting with your mother's friend?. It may be time to consider some professional short term therapy to address the anxiety, obsessions, etc.

 

Nah, it's just casual walks in the forest with her and my dog, where we talk for a bit about what's on my mind.

I feel like I don't need the therapy and I can sort myself out (with all the help I can get, meaning friends, family, and here) but maybe at one point I could consider it

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Today I cried for so long, more than ever... I didn't cry for the whole week but I somehow exploded today...

 

It is hard to accept the fact that i've been a fool, but god I loved her so much... And i thought she did too... How can I let go ? :(

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