Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Hello to you all! So I have a problem with my boyfriend. We are in the 2nd year of college and share some classes together. Last spring we got together very abruptly,maybe it being our both first relationship played a part in our hurriness. After a little period of time,I noticed that he gets really well with a 3 girls from the 3rd year and especially one of them caught my atttention. With her he talked and joked more that with the others. I also need to mention that he is a really good guy,doesn't have many friends and is introverted. One day,I asked him if he ever had some romantic feelings towards her and he answered by yes,but adding that in the same day they started talking,she invited him at her house in order to "see a movie". Afterwards,he continued by saying that she sleeps with lots of guys but apart from that,she is a nice person. So he wanted something serious with her,but after seeing how she is,he lost interest. That's what he told me. I became really jealous,I must say I realised that I have some trust issues but this friendship between them,only intensifes my fears. After 3 months of relationship,we broke up,this jealousy of mine playing an important role in it. I never told him not to speak to her,but I acted in an insecure way and lost control of myself often. She posts a lot on facebook,in some pictures is dressed really indecent and he sarcastically comments on a lot of her posts.At the beginning of the new year of university,he came back to me,saying that he wants to continue with our relationship,hoping that we could manage it better this time. But what happened,the same problem appeared. In summertime,we didn't talk at all,but they did. She also passed through a bad breakup and she suffered a lot (he told me these things) and they both encouraged each other. He also told me that she played a role in him coming back to me. Anyway,their friendship continued to give me headaches,I became really suspicious and lost my peace of mind. I came up,on a calm tone,to him with this and I told him that I can't get over their friendship and that it is better to break up instead of hurting each other more. I didn't try to manipulate him,but it really hurted me this situation. He then said that he wouldn't talk to her only when they meet at college and that's all. He also didn'g go at her birthday for me.Till that moment to the present,we've managed to remain together. I tried to believe all the things he told me. He mentioned that I look better than her anyway,that he anyway realised that it couldn't have worked out between them,and that he wants to be with me. He became really sad because i don't trust him but I don't know. The thing is,me and that girl are at opposite sides. I just wonder how could he remain friend with such a girl whom he considers a s**t He told me that she slept with at least 30 boys but afterwards came in her deffence saying that she chooses to live in the moment but when she likes someone,she remains faithful. It is not my right to judge someone,but it makes me wonder how could he like such a girl and me,who I am totally different. I know I have trust issues and jealousy problems,but do you believe it is justified? I really don't know. It appears that he have different values. I care a lot about him but I don't know if this can work. Any opinions,Please? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Unfortunately one of you will resent the other if you try to be yourselves. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 What's funny is that you haven't actually written an objectively bad thing about this woman, yet you're here calling her a "sl*t." In fact, by your boyfriend's admission, she played a hand in him coming back to you. Him suggesting that she enjoys living in the moment and having plenty of sex when there's no standing commitment isn't a "defense" as there's nothing intrinsically wrong with her lifestyle. Why is he in a position to "defend" her anyhow? Are you trash talking this woman in front of him? Look, everyone's got their boundaries. Some people aren't cool with opposite-sex friends that have once been attracted to or considered one another. Fair enough, but you then make the choice not to date that person. You've chosen to stick with this situation, so the responsibility is yours: accept he's got this friend or leave. Sounds like you've gotten pretty bitter, so I don't know how this is at all enjoyable for you. Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 What's funny is that you haven't actually written an objectively bad thing about this woman, yet you're here calling her a "sl*t." In fact, by your boyfriend's admission, she played a hand in him coming back to you. Him suggesting that she enjoys living in the moment and having plenty of sex when there's no standing commitment isn't a "defense" as there's nothing intrinsically wrong with her lifestyle. Why is he in a position to "defend" her anyhow? Are you trash talking this woman in front of him? Look, everyone's got their boundaries. Some people aren't cool with opposite-sex friends that have once been attracted to or considered one another. Fair enough, but you then make the choice not to date that person. You've chosen to stick with this situation, so the responsibility is yours: accept he's got this friend or leave. Sounds like you've gotten pretty bitter, so I don't know how this is at all enjoyable for you. Well,You're totally right. I do believe her a s**t,but I may not be fair in this. What upsets me is his changing of positions. At the beginning,he stated that her being a s**ty girl was the main reason to not date her,and afterwards told me that it isn't something to be condemned. This freaked me out... Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Well,You're totally right. I do believe her a s**t,but I may not be fair in this. What upsets me is his changing of positions. At the beginning,he stated that her being a s**ty girl was the main reason to not date her,and afterwards told me that it isn't something to be condemned. This freaked me out... Condemning someone is different then choosing not to date them. I wouldn't date a single parent. But I wouldn't condemn them. It's very easy to not want some trait or view point in a partner and for it to be just fine in a friend. Link to comment
j.man Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Well,You're totally right. I do believe her a s**t,but I may not be fair in this. What upsets me is his changing of positions. At the beginning,he stated that her being a s**ty girl was the main reason to not date her,and afterwards told me that it isn't something to be condemned. This freaked me out...He's 100% right. So why are you condemning her? Or trying to put him into a position to do so? There are a million and one life choices other people make that I wouldn't, or things people do that make them not a good romantic fit for me. It's not like I'm floating above them with my angel wings because my way of life is somehow superior. And, really, even if were to go around condemning folks, what has this lady done wrong? Made 30 dudes' night a bit brighter? In my eyes, the lady's a saint. Wish everyone's vices manifested itself in a way that made people feel better rather than, say, seeking to control their romantic partners. My sincere hope is that this isn't your natural attitude, and that you're simply putting yourself in a position that makes you more bitter than you otherwise would be. I'd really suggest getting out of this relationship and spend some time single, studying and expanding your network to soak up different people and different lifestyles. University can be an unparalleled experience for that sort of thing. Going around calling women "sl*ts" is, fortunately, a bit dated. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 You are the one that has the problem! And, shame on you for calling someone, who has done nothing to you, a "sl&t!" How are you going to deal with future relationships? Are you going to isolate all of your bfs, and forbid them from interacting with women. You need to deal with your issues, and fast! Link to comment
j.man Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 And now look what you've done. You got Holly's blood pressure running. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 And now look what you've done. You got Holly's blood pressure running. That's right!!!!! :) The poor girl even tried to get them back together. Op is very insecure and manipulate! Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 You're right..She hadn't done anything to me. I admit,I do have trust issues,but I don't know. I'm always thinking that there must have remained something between them and it hurts me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 You're right..She hadn't done anything to me. I admit,I do have trust issues,but I don't know. I'm always thinking that there must have remained something between them and it hurts me. This is your problem. What has this poor guy done, to question your trust? This is not a one-time thing, you will carry it into other relationships. Get to the root of your problems. Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 You're right..She hadn't done anything to me. I admit,I do have trust issues,but I don't know. I'm always thinking that there must have remained something between them and it hurts me. You might not be ready to be in a long term committed type relationship if you have trust issues like this. Maybe it's worth spending some time alone and figuring out who you are, what you need and want in a partner and your own insecurities, before starting a relationship. Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 Thanks a lot for your opinion. I really don't want to be mean and talk trash about this girl. I'm in a difficult situation and I really try not to think bad about her. I spoke with her once,and she seems a nice person,but as I said before,I'm always thinkg that there must be something left between them and that is the cause of my suffering and me acting crazy. I know that maybe breaking-up is the best decision,but I really do care about this guy and is hard for me to do it. :( Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 You're right..She hadn't done anything to me. I admit,I do have trust issues,but I don't know. I'm always thinking that there must have remained something between them and it hurts me. And there might have been. But that was before you came along anyway. How can that possibly be hurtful to you when it had nothing to with you? Leave the past in the past. Seriously. Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Thanks a lot for your opinion. I really don't want to be mean and talk trash about this girl. I'm in a difficult situation and I really try not to think bad about her. I spoke with her once,and she seems a nice person,but as I said before,I'm always thinkg that there must be something left between them and that is the cause of my suffering and me acting crazy. I know that maybe breaking-up is the best decision,but I really do care about this guy and is hard for me to do it. :( Well you could stay with him and work in your insecurity. Maybe getting to know her would help? Maybe just dealing with the fear and seeing how it doesn't actually change your relationship would help. Whatever you try, you need to stop framing her as a bad person and as a threat. You need to take responsibility for your own insecurities. Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 It must be so..I've also considered that. Thank you a lot! Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 Look,maybe it's really silly this reason,but he comments on almost all of her posts and pictures,also on those who are indecent. It just triggers me. I don't want to,but it happens. Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 This is your problem. What has this poor guy done, to question your trust? This is not a one-time thing, you will carry it into other relationships. Get to the root of your problems. Look,maybe it's really silly this reason,but he comments on almost all of her posts and pictures,also on those who are indecent. It just triggers me. I don't want to,but it happens. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 What sort of "comments"? Does he write that she looks hot or sexy or anything like that? Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Look,maybe it's really silly this reason,but he comments on almost all of her posts and pictures,also on those who are indecent. It just triggers me. I don't want to,but it happens. If you can't control your reaction to it, then you should leave. As harsh as this sounds: people aren't guns... we don't have triggers. YOU choose how you react to this. You might not get to choose your feelings but you choose your reactions. If you feel like you can't control how you react then you simply aren't ready to be in a relationship. Or you could ask him to stop posting on her page (controlling and limiting your partner instead of working on your insecurities). Or you could stop looking at her profile (controlling yourself so you can have fewer emotional "triggers") Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 If you can't control your reaction to it, then you should leave. As harsh as this sounds: people aren't guns... we don't have triggers. YOU choose how you react to this. You might not get to choose your feelings but you choose your reactions. If you feel like you can't control how you react then you simply aren't ready to be in a relationship. Or you could ask him to stop posting on her page (controlling and limiting your partner instead of working on your insecurities). Or you could stop looking at her profile (controlling yourself so you can have fewer emotional "triggers") I suppose I'm doomed Link to comment
rosephase Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 I suppose I'm doomed What a healthy way to think about it. Good luck. Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 What sort of "comments"? Does he write that she looks hot or sexy or anything like that? Only sarcastic ones,nothing complimentary. But that's how he is. He's not that kind of a person who makes compliments,even to me. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 5, 2018 Share Posted January 5, 2018 Only sarcastic ones,nothing complimentary. But that's how he is. He's not that kind of a person who makes compliments,even to me. Then what's the problem? Link to comment
Chaeryoung Posted January 5, 2018 Author Share Posted January 5, 2018 Then what's the problem? I don't really know how to name it. Believe me,I'm aware that I have issues that I should work on and I always try to see these things from his perspective and not exaggerate,because I don't want to lose him because of my stupidity. Is the attention he is giving to her. It's simply the fact that it is hard for me to accept their frindship due to their context. Just tell me this,please. If they both were attracted to each other in the past,am I really idiot to have worries that there must me something left? I know that he must enjoy her character or many other things at her. I do know that. But I also felt like crap when the main reason he gave in choosing me over her was the physical appearance. I admit,this girl is much more enjoyable as a person than me,because she's more optimistic, happier. I have some traumas from childhood,I'm often depressive and if I knew what kind of issues do I have,I would have never entered a relationship in this context. But the problem is that I have strong feelings for the guy. I am struggling at the present if I should let him go find another girl which is more stable as a person,and work on my issues. But it would break my heart to pieces if we would end up breaking-up again. Link to comment
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