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Constant slave


Mixedemotion

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I am 20 (f) and my ex-girlfriend is 24, we currently live together under my moms roof. She does not have a job right now and I’m the one who has been providing for her, paying the bills, cooking cleaning/ etc. since she lost her job and even before this. I always feel like the responsibility is always on me and when I ask her to help me sometimes with things it always feel like I have to force her to do simple things when it is equally her responsibility as well.

 

Our relationship is very toxic and I spend majority of the day ignoring her/ trying to be out of the house so I won’t have to deal with her constant nagging and stuck up ways. I pay for the groceries so we can eat, I cook our meals and clean. I pay for her current phone as well as the service which is under my name. I pay for transportation when she needs to go anywhere, I take care of her hair (for free) and always make sure it is nice and fresh every 2 weeks, I do the laundry and take care of anything else that needs to be paid for.

 

I’m getting to the point where I’m tired of doing everything and I have spoken to her about it and she has made little slight improvements where she’d wash the dishes without me having to ask or take out the trash but that’s it . Anything else it’squite a hassle to try to get her to step up and do. She is very lazy and I try to encourage her to get her life together and hold on to one steady job but when the job comes she does good at first and then gets lazy, stops going to work / show up late and wines up getting herself fired and then back at square one.

 

When she did have a job and we were both working she did pitch in with money for transportation/ phone bill but again it was a hassle and a constant reminder to get that out of her. I don’t want all of this responsibility on my shoulders anymore, I’m not her mother but I know if I just stop doing it and just worry about myself, she’d starve , the room would look a mess and things would just be unruly. Do I continue to take care of her until she gets another job??? Do I just say f* it and let her fend for herself??? How do I know she’ll step up when she gets a job and start taking responsibility of herself???

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Why do you allow this? Why have you become a complete doormat?

 

You are not a victim, you are choosing to stay in this. You are not dependent on her, so there is no excuse to continue.

 

Kick her out already! I can't believe you are asking if she will "step up."

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She has no where to go, she has no family down here and she doesn’t want to go live with her parents states away. Her parents sent her down here to live with her aunt 2 years ago ( who she doesn’t talk to anymore) and then she ended up living with us when things got crazy for her at the aunts place so we took her in. If you read my last post it better explains my situation, I’m planning on secretly moving out without her knowing I’m just laying low and saving and trying to get away from her but in the meantime I have to deal with this .. am I supposed to just kick her out on the streets?? Tel her to go live with her parents?? She’s supposed to be getting a job soon down here and that would contradict , should I not even care about that??

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She can move back with her parents. You are not her mother.

 

You sound very co dependent.

 

Don't be a coward and just tell her you are done. pay for her ticket back to her folks, so that she will be out of your hair.

 

Next time, do not allow these thongs to drag on.

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Yes, you tell her to go live with her parents. This 24-year-old child isn't your problem.

 

Being her complete doormat is getting you nowhere. Look up White Knight Syndrome. You have totally lost your backbone and dignity somewhere along the way. Get it back, and get her the hell out.

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i Don’t blame you...I would want her out also.

 

Does she have any skills ? At all?

The thing here is to not be cruel...but definitely be firm.

I would sit her down and pretty much lay it out. Be honest and tell her exactly what you told us... followed up with...ie,

“ I am going to be leaving and you need to make other arrangements”. This gives her notice and lets her know you ARE serious. Don’t listen to her excuses.. be firm and direct. I don’t like the disappearing act. It shows no spine or integrity. You’ve done more than your fair share to help this person and honestly having this conversation and doing it this way will make you feel better in the long run .

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You are largely responsible for this so start by acknowledging that.

 

In your last post you said you are living rent free. So really what bills are you talking about?

 

You say transportation and phone ?

Why did you initially pay for her phone if you were not happy to pay out until the contract ends?

That was actually a Shyte move from you. False security.

What transportation? Is she using your car?

 

You are wrong to move out of your mothers and not let her know.

You are not communicating properly.

Give her one months notice to move out , in the meantime stop sleeping in the same bed and let her sleep in a spare room or on the couch.

 

Stop paying for her phone. Stop paying for groceries and basically stop giving her the mixed signals that you are.

 

And put the trash out yourself if your mum and stepdad don’t do it. You are living rent free!!!

It doesn’t sound like you are contributing much to them and to the contrary creating a burden?

 

Instead of paying your rent you are paying for another’s phone? Sorry but stop calling another irresponsible when you are hardly responsible yourself?

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You definitely need to get out of this situation and move on with your life, and honestly so does she. All the advice above is good - don't just disappear, but rather let her know you've had enough and you'll be moving in a while. Make sure to explain clearly how she bothers you, so she knows better in the future. She's not going to keep a stable job unless she realizes it's her only option to survive, so, after telling her in advance and allowing her for a bit of time to find a job again, stop paying for her things.

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I’ve been in similar shoes. I get it. I think it stems from being a caring and empathetic person. You see the situation she’s in, you think “what would I want someone to do for me in her shoes” and that’s what drives you. She knows this and she’s taking advantage.

 

The thing you need to realize is this - you (or any other healthy person) wouldn’t be in her shoes. She is the creator of her own mess - and for that reason, it’s never going to end. There is a reason that she can’t get along with her family, or her aunt, or hold a job, etc. It’s her.

 

There comes a time when you need to love and protect yourself.

 

What I did in your shoes was I broke up with him and told him he’d need to start looking for a place to live. And then I shut down. I left in the morning, kept myself busy all day, and came home late at night to sleep. I ignored every tear, every guilt trip, the pleading, the mind games, etc. I did not engage in conversation at all. If he said anything at all (ie: good morning), I would reply with “have you figured out where you are going? Have you found a job?”. That’s it. I told him I would give him half my savings so he could eat and live and figure himself out - for first month’s rent or whatever ($1000) and offered to buy him a train ticket to his grandmother if that’s what he decided (who also lived 8 hours away and he didn’t want to go there).

 

He eventually left. He kinda had to choice. I made living with me as intolerable and unsustainable as possible.

 

You aren’t “throwing her on the street”. She has options. She doesn’t like those options - but that’s not your problem.

 

Personally, I may or may not have gone above and beyond what i needed to do - but it was what I was able to live with. At the end of the day, you need to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and feel ok about it. But you don’t need to be a doormat about it and you need to take care of yourself first.

 

For what it’s worth, I did end up talking to him again about 10 years later. He had tried through the years but I ignored him. He now has an awesome career and a beautiful home in an affluent neighborhood. He apologized and he thanked me. He acknowledged that he needed a kick in the pants and to hit rock bottom in order to turn his life around.

 

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Right now you are enabling her behavior. You need to cut it off for BOTH of you. Find your strength. Find your resolve. Figure out what you’ll be ok with and just do it. It takes incredible strength but future you will thank you for it.

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You definitely need to get out of this situation and move on with your life, and honestly so does she. All the advice above is good - don't just disappear, but rather let her know you've had enough and you'll be moving in a while. Make sure to explain clearly how she bothers you, so she knows better in the future. She's not going to keep a stable job unless she realizes it's her only option to survive, so, after telling her in advance and allowing her for a bit of time to find a job again, stop paying for her things.

 

People like the girlfriend usually find someone else to sponge off. Hopefully, the behavior will change.

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What I did in your shoes was I broke up with him and told him he’d need to start looking for a place to live. And then I shut down. I left in the morning, kept myself busy all day, and came home late at night to sleep. I ignored every tear, every guilt trip, the pleading, the mind games, etc. I did not engage in conversation at all. If he said anything at all (ie: good morning), I would reply with “have you figured out where you are going? Have you found a job?”. That’s it..

 

^^ This

 

And I will add that there is something very powerful about telling someone this is `nonnegotiable' or `it's not open for debate'

You will quickly learn that you've been part of the crazy dance when she goes into her tirade of all that's wrong and tantrums telling you how horrible you are.

 

Be calm and firm. Don't debate, defend or try to convince. Have conviction in your decision, give her a time line and be prepared to stand behind it. Don't do the crazy dance with her.

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