Jump to content

What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)


PuffyParakee

Recommended Posts

Sry. Long read. I say this because my situation is a bit complexed.

I'm 34, man is about 6 yrs younger.

I matched with a great man on Tinder 6 months ago, we met a few months later after matching. Our first physical introduction was great, he told me how pleasantly surprised he was after seeing me, however, I must admit..I had so much things going on in my life that I just could not lend myself to be completly available to date him at the time.

 

He always maintained his interest in me even initiating many texts to me even if they were sporadic.

So, we finally officially went out on a date a few months later, then a second on back in April.

That's when I felt the sparks & butterflys in my stomach. I realized I liked him!

He still showed a great deal of interest in me & would always say how he wanted some "quiet/alone time" with me & I will agree.

Around a few weeks later, he temporarily moved to NY city. He's there until this month but will be back in town soon.

I noticed he began acting distant after this, but one late night while I was asleep, he txted me "Wanna come over?" & called me, I returned his call the following day, we spoke briefly with him ending the call saying he'll txt me back because he's at work. So, he txted me asking what day can we get together, I gave him a day, I then texted him the infamous "What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"

I asked him this because he's always been a sporadic texter, but has become worst since moving.

I got no response. I waited a week, finally txted him truly concerned:"Hey, Is everything alright?" He responded and answered my question I asked a week ago. Saying he meant to txt me but was out of town & that he's not in the market for a super serious relationship but is open to it & would really like to speak about this in person." He then asked my available days so he can come into town, I told him the day. I then told him that "I'm not looking for a super serious relationship also, however, I'm not looking for a fwb." He responded "That day sounds good, let me know." Followed by a "What's a fwb? (Confused face) lol"

I told him"Friends with Benefits" & then...you guessed nothing.

That was about a month ago. I never got a response, & was flabbergasted & hurt. I'm still a bit devastated.

Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us especially being that we've been talking for 6 months.

I'm not tempted to txt him but sometimes, I am. It's been a month. The longest I ever went without speaking to eachother was a month.

Do I just leave this alone?

I should point out that in the beggining because of familial issues in my life, I would not msg him for weeks on end, & he always remained persistent & would initiate a msg to me.

I'm so lonely,do suffer from depression even before this. Prior to him, I have not dated for years by choice for fear of getting hurt,& just when I open up to a man I like, this happens.

Link to comment

You scared him off.

 

After two dates you were asking him to clarify your relationship? Good grief.

 

Dating is about getting to know each other, getting to understand what the other person wants out of life. You DON'T do that through texts, for heaven's sake. Save it for a few months of dating and in person.

 

Don't text him. He knows your number.

Link to comment

What do you mean by you opened up to him?

Didn’t you only meet him twice?

 

I’m guessing he had lots of tinder matches in town and when out of town had lots of time to message everyone randomly but when in town he was actually meeting them.

 

As Sarah said you didn’t need to ask him to clarify your status, he had only met you twice. And likely was meeting others.

That’s the purpose of dating.

Keep your options open.

 

He may simply have met another girl a few more times than you and decded to pursue her instead .

Who knows?

 

But no , don’t text him!

Link to comment

I understand that I possibly scared him off however, I was not proposing marriage or asking him to impregnate me or meet his parents,etc.

If a question like that can scare a guy away, what can we ask ?lol. I was gonna ask him over the phone but he sounded distracted, & always takes hours (he says it's because of busy work scedule)to respond so I wanted to get the question out the way.

I was just simply asking if he saw me just as a freind or fwb, because after receiving that txt about me "coming over" in the middle of the night & sporadic texting, I wanted clarification. I didn't know if he was into me just for sex, relationship, or etc.

I asked him in the initial text if "he's feeling indifferent towards me, because I sometimes get that vibe."

Just wanted to know so I knew not to have sex & further find out that's all he wanted. But you're right, I will not txt him.

Oy, I'm new to this dating thing & in the past, when I did not speak up, things always would end bad for me, like getting used for sex or whatnot, & after being celibate for several years, I wanted to know, since he has been hinting on sex .😩

Link to comment

We opened up to each other, alot over the phone & eventually in person. We've seen each other a total of three times.

And no, I will not text him.😉. It just sucks because he's the only one who would ask me about my well being because he knows about my situation with taking care of my relative, I was on the verge of caregiver burnout & it felt nice to have someone..for once, ask me how I'm doing, because no ever has. It was refreshing.

Now,I don't have that no more & I would always ask him of his well being also being he has a similar situation.

I've learnt my lesson to not be vulnerable around a man & to not put my eggs in one bowl.

Link to comment

This is not about being vulnerable—so I'd really encourage you to focus that lesson a bit. This is more about managing expectations, and remembering that connection, and romantic connection in particular, is something that forms slowly, over time, and in the third dimension and not on a screen.

 

In other words, I think that what you liked about this connection (that it was safe, a way to dip your toes back into the waters of romance) is also what you don't like right now (that it was pretty thin, that it's hard to find depth in a shallow pool).

 

It can be very fun to have a new digital pen pal, especially when we're feeling lonely and skittish, but it's not dating. It's just not. That's not to negate that you can form a real bond with people over screens, but it is not dating or romance. It's something else, so to confuse it with dating and romance—well, that's a recipe for some potential hurt, as you've learned.

 

Look, being honest with you? If a woman I'd talked to a bit online and met in person a few times, assuming we haven't been super physical yet, asked me how I "saw" her, then followed up with "Is everything alright?," and then continue to further clarify, my head would jump to: this is someone who is lonely and depressed and wants me to make that go away. And I would not be down for that mission.

 

Which, in this case, would be accurate, as you've admitted. So maybe the lesson there is to work on that loneliness and depression rather than think of dating and connecting as the answer. Lot of pressure to put on strangers, that.

 

But back to this idea of vulnerability. Being vulnerable is not exposing all your weak spots to someone at light speed and hoping they'll never hurt you, but being genuinely open to exposing yourself, at whatever pace feels right, while knowing you're strong enough to handle the consequences. It's a big difference, and rather than use this as a lesson to further close off to men I'd use it as a lesson to strengthen yourself so you can be genuinely open to men.

Link to comment

Frankly I think what you asked him was perfectly fine; imo you weren't asking him to "define" the relationship at all or for a label, you were simply asking where you stood. FWBs or more than that.

 

I also think it takes a lot of confidence to ask that question, many woman would not have, for fear of "scaring" him off, but who the h cares, you have a right to know where you stood with him, especially because as you said his texting had been sporadic, and his behavior elusive.

 

So good for you for asking that!

 

And had he been truly into you, he would have responded by telling you he sees you as more than FWB (even though he professed to not know what FWB meant), and started taking you out on proper dates, versus calling you in the middle of the night asking if you wanted to stop by, after not texting for days or weeks.

 

So after he asked what FWB meant and you explained and then very confidently told told him you were NOT up for that, he disappeared. So what does that tell ya?

 

I'm not you but it leads me to conclude, combined with his elusive texting and overall elusive behavior in general, that he did only want something akin to an FWB situation with you.

 

You didn't scare him away, he simply was not, nor was he ever, interested in having a relationship with you, so me thinks you dodged a bullet, and that you should get up, shake that sh** off and carry on.

Link to comment

Ok the time to stop lying to yourself is now...

 

this...

 

 

Our first physical introduction was great, he told me how pleasantly surprised he was after seeing me, however, I must admit..I had so much things going on in my life that I just could not lend myself to be completely available to date him at the time.

 

is a contradiction, not only to this:

 

I'm so lonely,do suffer from depression even before this. Prior to him, I have not dated for years by choice for fear of getting hurt,& just when I open up to a man I like, this happens.

 

But your actions period, you took the time to create an online profile, you didnt meet him by chance at work or walking down the street. Why start dating if you werent emotionally prepared but also didnt have time? It comes off as game playing.

 

Deciphering your mind games, ironically theyre games youre playing on yourself, I think, youre attempting to play the cool girl who doesnt really want a relationship, but you approached this as someone who desperately wants a relationship, so much so that she seeks validation and labels after the second meet, that is not someone not looking for a 'serious' relationship, its someone thinking she can trick a guy who seriously isnt looking for anything serious into a relationship, even more irony, hes open to discussing things, but doesnt want to discuss something so serious as 'what am I to you' over text, which honestly he sounds like a decent dude, but as others said you are chasing him away with your baggage and games.

 

You cant date like this.

 

Stop.

 

Breathe.

 

Seek counseling to deal with your past.

 

Figure out what you truly want.

 

Know your boundaries.

 

Express your dating goals early and in person. Not over text, theres nothing brave about it, its validation seeking to date claiming you dont want anything serious but then asking " what do you see me as? A friend?",

 

No more playing, look who gets hurt.

Link to comment

I'm sorry FIO, what label was she asking for? She simply wanted to know where she stood, FWB or more, and then stating her boundaries (she wasn't up for FWB), is that not what folks on here encourage women to do early on, so as to avoid being led on or strung along?

 

I don't think it matters whether it was done via text or in person, what's important was that they were communicating.

 

She asked a question and got her answer. Good for her.

 

OP, clearly you were not on the same page re what you both wanted out of your interaction, time to move on.

Link to comment

Yes, leave this alone. Actions speak louder than words. It's over.

 

In the future, focus on establishing a solid friendship first and then proceed into a relationship if this rapport is going somewhere more serious. Do that in order before asking heavy duty questions. I know you want commitment but I think you were premature with your direct questioning. I agree with everyone else, you scared him off. He wasn't ready to have serious questions directed at him so soon.

 

In the future take your friendship and relationship SLOWER and allow the rapport to blossom on its own. Take one day at a time as opposed to commanding immediate answers regarding your future together with him. Allow friendships and relationships to develop GRADUALLY. Never slam anyone by cornering them with awkward questions they're not prepared to answer. Those types of questions need to be saved for later after the friendship and relationship had matured to the next level.

 

There's nothing wrong to open up to a man. However, keep the timing in mind. There is a time and place for everything and you chose the wrong time and place in your young relationship at 6 months.

 

Tread lightly in the future especially when a relationship is still relatively new. Take one day and one month at a time. Don't command instant answers regarding your expectations otherwise you'll cause the other man to flee, ghost, block, etc.

Link to comment

I appreciate your response but will have to disagree with you.

I don't understand when you say I contradicted myself.

I was being honest in admitting that I was overwhelmed with life occurrences at the time & expressed that to him after the fact, because once we met up, that's when life got hectic for me.

Prior, to meeting him, I did not think that what was going on in my life was gonna progress to a worst situation or conflict with dating him.

However, the more I got to know him, even when I told him that all though we did match & I did like him; I told him early on "I now have alot going on & wanna be present when we go out because I do like you & will call you when things simmer down in my life."

He was relentless in a charming way.

I still felt overwhelmed by personal issues with the relative I was taking care of, so, I NEVER initiated a text to him as to not be inconsistent with him, so I did not play games with him.

If anything, if he did not hear the text from me,even after I told him I will contact him when things settle down,he actually would initiate a msg to me after a couple of weeks like, "Things calmed down yet?" "Too busy to msg me?" "What's up, How's your relative?" Each text would space out between weeks.

Unlike ALOT of men, I'm not a GHOSTER, so I'd always extend common courtesy & respond...Something that men seem to not know how to do.

Even after expressing to him, life is still hectic, he charmingly convinced me to take some time out & go out with him. That's when I fell for him & he did not become distant until he moved to NY city & I asked that question.

How am I chasing him away with my baggage when he has told me some heavy stuff about his life also & I've only ever mentioned my relative when he'd always ask.

So...pls tell me where am I playing games?😕

Link to comment

Ahh, thank you for your feedback. I'm naive & inexperienced to dating so I'm truly confused.

I asked him that question because I did not want him to come visit me thinking he was going to be intimate with me under the notion of FWB.

And I assume if I did sleep with him without asking that question, and after the fact, he began acting funny/distant, I would get told I should have verified what he wanted first before I slept with him.

In the future, I'll just let things happen organically.

Link to comment
lol. I know the "quiet/alone" time he hept mentioning was between the sheets. There's no need to block him, because I know he will not be contacting me no more. It's a lesson learned. Apparently, I should have not asked him what he wanted.

 

You didnt ask him what he wanted. Asking dating goals is absolutely something one should do, you did NOT do that

 

I noticed he began acting distant after this, but one late night while I was asleep, he txted me "Wanna come over?" & called me, I returned his call the following day, we spoke briefly with him ending the call saying he'll txt me back because he's at work. So, he txted me asking what day can we get together, I gave him a day, I then texted him the infamous "What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"

 

That is completely different than, 'what are you looking for?' you asked him a loaded question.

 

I appreciate your response but will have to disagree with you.

I don't understand when you say I contradicted myself.

I was being honest in admitting that I was overwhelmed with life occurrences at the time & expressed that to him after the fact, because once we met up, that's when life got hectic for me.

Prior, to meeting him, I did not think that what was going on in my life was gonna progress to a worst situation or conflict with dating him.

However, the more I got to know him, even when I told him that all though we did match & I did like him; I told him early on "I now have alot going on & wanna be present when we go out because I do like you & will call you when things simmer down in my life."

He was relentless in a charming way.

I still felt overwhelmed by personal issues with the relative I was taking care of, so, I NEVER initiated a text to him as to not be inconsistent with him, so I did not play games with him.

If anything, if he did not hear the text from me,even after I told him I will contact him when things settle down,he actually would initiate a msg to me after a couple of weeks like, "Things calmed down yet?" "Too busy to msg me?" "What's up, How's your relative?" Each text would space out between weeks.

Unlike ALOT of men, I'm not a GHOSTER, so I'd always extend common courtesy & respond...Something that men seem to not know how to do.

Even after expressing to him, life is still hectic, he charmingly convinced me to take some time out & go out with him. That's when I fell for him & he did not become distant until he moved to NY city & I asked that question.

How am I chasing him away with my baggage when he has told me some heavy stuff about his life also & I've only ever mentioned my relative when he'd always ask.

So...pls tell me where am I playing games?😕

 

You're playing games, hes playing games, he chased you and chased you and chased you and when you gave in his goal was reached, he backed off, traveled, causing you to feel insecure, you asked a heavy question, over text, seeking validation when your interactions didn't rise to the occasion. You weren't dating in a traditional sense you started a game of cat and mouse,I don't buy the whole I couldnt concentrate on dating even though I created a dating profile and checked it and interacted on it even though I was completely overwhelmed and couldn't concentrate on dating, its a game, Im not saying youre lying about your family situation or that you were overwhelmed, I'm saying you made a conscious choice to interact with this man while you had family issues on top of this:

 

I'm so lonely,do suffer from depression even before this. Prior to him, I have not dated for years by choice for fear of getting hurt,& just when I open up to a man I like, this happens.

 

I think he was always upfront with you, he chased you, but he wasnt looking for anything serious, those were his words.

Link to comment

OP one thing I notice was that you said you weren’t looking for anything serious but then said in the same breath you didn’t want an FWB relationship. What I take from that is that you do at some point want something serious because you don’t want casual.... so why not just own it?

 

I say this because I think we tend to say we don’t want serious in order to avoid scaring someone off but if that’s what you want then be true to yourself and say so.

 

Also I agree with blue...it may have felt like a relationship to you because you communicated online for so long... the reality is that it’s a false sense of intimacy and that in reality what you guys had was a few dates and nothing more.

 

Personally I avoid the whole “what are we” question because it’s a question driven by insecurity and anxiety. Besides if I can’t tell what we are (he hasn’t made his interest clear) there is a good chance he just isn’t that into me in which case.... next.

Link to comment

I think after 2 dates it is too soon to start placing boundaries because after2 dates how can you possibly know yourself if you want to date this guy. Sure, you want a 3rd date, after the 3rd, you might want a 4th and so on .

But after 2 dates you don’t decide you want a 12th date.

Dating is a gradual process and after several regular dates you might want to discuss how to proceed, from dating exclusively , to a relationship.

Discuss boundaries then or prior if the subject of intimacy is brought up.

But not in between a 2nd and 3rd date over the phone or by text.

 

If you want a serious relationship you first have to date. And dating is a risk. No one can guarantee the outcome. Not him or you.

 

But the fact that he did suggest alone time was likely his way of saying he wants sex. And texting you at night.

 

If you aren’t comfortable with that, you suggest an alternate time and place to meet that you are comfortable with.

If he declines , you know he isn’t interested in dating you.

 

So move onto the next guy.

 

Some guys will suggest sex early on but if they do like you they will be ok to wait until you are ready. Doesn’t mean they won’t try their luck though!

 

Just get out there, start dating and remember players with plenty of options will still put in the effort early on until they know it’s not going their way. And by that yes they will ask about your life because they know that reels women in.

Link to comment

I see you bouncing around all over the place. You admittedly would take 2 weeks to reach out to him, and only after he took the time to reach out to you. I feel like at some point, he "got the hint" or possibly decided you were too unavailable, whether it was casual sex only, or something more. Possibly he made a mistake by attaching himself to someone on the screen and built up a fantasy, who knows? But the bottom line is, you were absent, a lot. Then he backs off communication and suddenly the sky is falling and you come after him with this define the relationship type of question. Your actions and words are not aligning.

 

As already stated, I think you need to decide what you want and own it. You actively got online to date and interacted, yet at the same time, pulled a disappearing act for weeks with sporadic communication, stating you were too busy, and I'm not sure you ever reached out to him first; instead responding to him after two weeks went by, and quite possibly after more than one unanswered text. When your guy pulled back on his communication, look at what you were thinking. Do you think he was going through the same thing when you didn't communicate with him?

 

When you very sporadically make contact, always busy, do you think that expresses a LTR or casual? Does it express LTR or penpal?

 

Decide what you want and then work it. If your life is too busy, put dating on hold until you have the time or you have the ability to make the time. Or you can determine if something more casual works for you. Sex will become an issue, so do you want a buddy, a casual relationship, or something more real?

 

It's always harder on the person less busy. If your crazy schedules align on rare occasion and the relationship works, great! However, if you're way too busy and he wants more...again, it really doesn't matter if it's serious or casual, he's going to move on. If you want serious, be clear on that. Your profile should say it. Be more diligent about making the time for it.

 

There's just a lot of inconsistency, and I think that's the major issue here. You want serious, but you're unable or unwilling to dedicate the time towards it.

Link to comment

Thanx everyone for your responses. ☺

I don't have much ppl I'm close to, so hearing different perspectives on this situation was extremely helpful.

And I do agree, that I think I don't even know what I want, & it definitely manifests itself in my relationships.

I'm a mildly shy introvert, yet I do want companionship, but do like some solitude,especially when I'm experiencing a hardship in my personal life, which may explain why I was so unavailable to him in the beginning.

But I'm still learning & after reading responses,I now know to not be so wishy washy in the future because I think I come off as a scatterbrain to these men because of my indecisiveness.

It's not intentional on my end,I don't play games, I truly don't know I'm doing it until sh-t hits the fan & I self reflect.

I do plan on putting myself out there in terms of dating, but I'm going to give myself time because allthough I only knew this guy for 6 months and only met him three times, I did kind of put high expectations of what I thought was gonna become of our friendship, which is not a good thing.

So, I'm just gonna give myself time to recover from this one.

My dilemma, I guess is trying to meet men that just do not want sex.

When they realize I'm not having sex without a minimal amount of commitment they dissapear. In the past, when I did have sex, they'd lose interest & dissapear.

I seem to only attract men that only want sex & not a relationship with me. It's a bit discouraging.

So, I'm also working on trying to weed out the type of men that are quick to want me as just the fwb woman.

I've now been single & celibate for 7 yrs & I do want companionship.

Link to comment
"What do you see me as: a friend or something a little bit more?"

 

 

^^^^ I don't know how anyone can NOT see this as asking for a label for what they are are.

 

I didn't see it and still don't see it. I asked before but what sort of label was she asking for exactly?

 

She was simply asking (in a different way) what his dating goals are, is he looking for a friend (FWB) or more? Which nearly everyone on this forum advises women to do early on.

 

Okay it's a bold move asking that question with respect to her, but I still see nothing wrong with it, and actually applaud her for having the confidence to ask. As women we're taught not to, for fear of scaring the guy off, but screw that.

 

As I said, she asked a question, she got her answer. Which is he wants sex, otherwise he would not have disappeared after she told him she wasn't up for just that (FWB).

 

And what if she had not asked? She would have still been floundering around in her head wondering what the hell was going on and what his MO was.

 

For me, I would not have asked because when a man is that elusive and non-engaging, texting sporadically, disappearing for weeks, and when he does finally reach out (late at night when I'm sleeping), instead of asking me out on a proper date, he asks if I want to stop by his place, it's pretty darn obvious what he's after.

 

So for me, my sense/intuition is so strong, no need to ask.

 

But in the OP's case, she needed to ask, and I say good for her, cause now she knows he's not looking for a relationship (at least not with her) and can detach and move on.

 

Just my opinion and interpretation based on what she's written here.

Link to comment

Kat no one is saying you shouldn’t ask what someone’s dating goals are

 

Look at her words

 

She didn’t ask his dating goals she asked what she was to him.

 

Two completely different things

 

You keep using these sweeping generalizations and the phrase ‘brave’ there is nothing brave about allowing your anxiety to manifest itself into texting such a question after two dates, again she did not ask his dating goals (what are you looking for) she asked what she was to him.

 

Two. Different. Questions

 

What are your dating goals?

 

Do you want to date me?

 

Different. One is general then other is personalized.

Link to comment
Kat no one is saying you shouldn’t ask what someone’s dating goals are

 

Look at her words

 

She didn’t ask his dating goals she asked what she was to him.

 

Two completely different things

 

You keep using these sweeping generalizations and the phrase ‘brave’ there is nothing brave about allowing your anxiety to manifest itself into texting such a question after two dates, again she did not ask his dating goals (what are you looking for) she asked what she was to him.

 

Two. Different. Questions

 

What are your dating goals?

 

Do you want to date me?

 

Different. One is general then other is personalized.

 

Okay being the open-minded person that I am :D, fair enough, I see your point, but nevertheless, as I said she asked a question and got her answer. Now she can move on.

 

I really don't think the outcome would have changed had she phrased it the way you suggested, guy was a total flake from the get go!! I mean, his sporadic texting, disappearing for weeks, him texting her late at night essentially requesting a booty call?

 

And now, after telling him she wasn't interested in FWB, he has totally ghosted her.

 

If I have any advice for the OP, it would be pay attention to these glaring red flags!! The man is obviously not interested in pursuing anything even remotely resembling a "relationship" with you.

 

Try to not get so attached to the outcome of any dating experience you have, on line or in real life. Observe, observe, observe.

 

Determine if HE is the right man for YOU. Given his ever-so-elusive behavior from the beginning, if me it would not have taken me very long to bid farewell to this flake, whose actions would clearly indicate to me he was not interested.

 

Anyway, hopefully lesson learned and best of luck moving forward.

Link to comment

"Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us especially being that we've been talking for 6 months.

I'm not tempted to txt him but sometimes, I am. It's been a month. The longest I ever went without speaking to eachother was a month.

Do I just leave this alone?"

 

The guy was definitely a flake who was only after sex. Let him go and move on. You are not going to find what you are looking for though by texting for months and months and seeing each other once or twice. It just wont work. Nobody who is stable with themselves is going to be able to tell you if they see you as a friend or something more after 6 months of texting and 3 dates. Dating, especially early on, is a million little tiny steps forward. Online contact, while nice, can give the impression that you have made those steps when you have not. It's odd how easy it is to carry on silly jokes and things over text with a lot of space in between and feel like you are developing a connection, when most of the time all it can do is maintain whatever level of connection you already had. Both parties can act as if they are further on the timeline than they actually are. Eventually reality will come up and someone will realize there is no foundation.

 

I think you BOTH realized this. When he realized there was no foundation, he switched modes and was like, well maybe we can just have sex. When you realized it, you panic-ed and were like "wait, what is our relationship status?" Both responses are understandable, if slightly unflattering :p

 

Finding out goals and compatibility level is really important, You should be doing this, in person, at the same time as you are judging attraction level. If you focus too much on one aspect (in your case it seems like you were mostly focused on the initial attraction plus having someone to talk to every once in a while), the other parts will get out of balance. In a relationship that's developing, by the time you ask "are we friends or something more?" it shouldn't really be a question that begs an answer. You will both already know, it is just nice to acknowledge.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...