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My ex left me for someone else/I deserved it


Zenon1267

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Me male(22) and my ex female (21) broke up two months ago after dating for 2.9 years. Through your our relationship I emotionally abused her and gaslighted her feelings. Around this 1.5 year mark I lost my job and the stress of it made it really hard to deal with my emotions in an adult manner. I began to take out my anger on my ex and get upset about the littlest things. Around a year ago I got a new job where I couldn’t see her as much yet my abusive manipulative tendencies remained.

 

Around this time I started to lose compassion for her it seems. Like her feelings didn’t matter and that only mine did. For a while I thought of breaking up with her even tho she was great. Me saying all this I realize how horrible I am but only until she left me did I realize how much of a pos I am. She also found in my phone pics of an ex that made her loss her trust for me. Yeah bad right.? Me saying all this I’m wondering why am I even writing this. I have no chance and I don’t even deserve to ever be forgiven and it’s true I dont.

 

Fast forward to September of 2018 I take her on a cruise to the carribean for a week. It almost resurrected my feelings for her and we became so close during it. After we got back it sort of went back to the norm of me being a child and her just wanting respect and being cared for. A week before she left me she was talking about she wanted me to marry her and that she was ready for the next step. I didn’t tell her I was but I already had planned to ask her to marry me two weeks later on what was suppose to be our next vacation together. Never happened because she left me.

 

I was away from home in another state working when I had a suspicion she was talking to someone. So I sorta threatened her and 2 hours later she texted me saying she was done. I called her and she said she was done with everything and she didn’t love me anymore. I was shocked and I immediately began to beg. She wasn’t having it tho she was so mad at me and began to bring up things that happen years before, things that I have forgot.

 

A week past and I called her to try to talk things out. She admitted that a guy that was her friend and her started dating the same day she broke up with me. Apparently he was there in the picture the entire time. She told me that he was the “one” and her “best friend”. She said she went to him with our problems and he made her feel good..

 

Fast forward to now 2 months later. I’m in 10 days no contact. She told me she didn’t love me anymore and that they moved in with each other a week after dating. She took our dog and refused to give me my car title in my name. She says she hopes I find a girl someday and that I’m happy. It kills me because I do love her. It’s almost like I’m upset and I feel betrayed but at the same time I feel so guilty about how I treated her. I want her to be happy even tho it makes me miserable. I’m sure I deserve this feeling tho. Not a second goes by where I’m not thinking of her.

 

A bit of back story on myself. I’m 22 year old truck driver. I was emotionally and physically abused for most of my child hood. Was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 14. Was sent to live with my dad when I was 6 and I didn’t even know him after he won a custody battle. He abused me for years until I left home to be back with my mom when I was 14. I never knew how to act in relationships it’s almost like I remained an immature child needing affection but not wanting to give it. I know it sounds dumb but only when she left me did I realize all the problems I had. I never realized how I was abusive, a gas lighter, needing for affection and selfish.

 

I began therapy a week after the breakup and do daily therapy to get help with my personal/relationship issues. So far I realized that I learned this behavior from my father and that my anger/anxiety is linked to each other. I refuse to be in another relationship until I’ve fully changed my attitude toward women and relationships.

 

She was a great girl, very sweet and loving. She stood by me threw my tuffest times. Without her I’m sure I wouldn’t be in the position of success I am today. She’s happy and living life with her new love of her life. I’m alone very upset missing her and the future we would’ve had. I know she doesn’t even think positively about me or think about me at all now. I messed it up and I deserved it. She will be the one that got away and the one that made me change. She will always have a special place in my heart and I truly hope she gets everything I couldn’t give her.

 

Just a little story I guess. I know I’ll never see or hear from her again. I’ve never felt so much pain in my entire life. Make sure you realize what you have before you lose it. Once it’s gone it’s gone. I’m gonna change it’s my only goal to become the best man I can be for me and my future relationships. I will never do this again.

 

-ABO

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Merry Christmas back to you.

 

I'm sorry for your past, and for the pain of this breakup.

 

For what it's worth, I think your level of reflection and awareness is pretty outstanding. Few people your age have this level of awareness of what they need to work on. I know how hard it is when those realizations are prompted by a loss—been there myself, plenty—but really consider it a gift and lean into these lessons while letting go. You're shedding a husk that doesn't serve you.

 

And, also, make sure to go easy on yourself. For everything we can pick apart inside ourselves—and I do this like a champ—the fact is that sometimes two people just don't work. Or work for a bit, and then stop working. People grow and outgrow each other and, often, there's some drama and disconnect and ugly behavior that comes along with those growing pains.

 

Best of luck on this journey.

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Thank you for your wise words. A lot of people would say that this if life. You make mistakes and you lose people you care for. I’ll post updates on how I’m feeling for anyone else going through a similar situation. I think the road to getting over this breakup is going to be a long one. That fear of never seeing her again drives me crazy but that’s something that’ll get better in time I hope.

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It very much is life, indeed.

 

I've been in your shoes more than once—from childhood abuse to loves lost in part because my own demons hadn't been dealt with. Hard as it is, I can look back on periods like the one you're in with so much gratitude for the lessons.

 

Yeah, in the ideal world we don't have to lose the people who help guide us to our softer, truer, more authentic selves. But the world is rarely ideal, and the beauty of all human connections is in their fragility. Getting to that authentic place, whatever wounds come along the way, is where peace is, and where eventually we become able to learn alongside someone rather than in the wake of them.

 

Still working on getting there myself, and I've got 17 years on you. But it's an awesome journey, full or magic and rewards.

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Your view on life is very refreshing. It did make me cry because it’s true. Losing the ones you cared about in order to become a better person almost like it was meant to be.

 

I sit here now thinking of my future life and I have no idea what to do. The uncertainty now that I have absolutely scares me. I think of her not in it and it tears me down. In a way it seems I relied on that certainty and not my own two feet. I guess really that’s what self confidence is, to trust in yourself to make your own choices.

 

Still I search for her place in my life even tho she’s no longer in it. My heart truly aches and I feel as if I’ll never have someone as wonderful as her. That being said the point is I need to move on not with someone else but by myself then maybe someday I hope I can find someone else to walk alongside as you described.

 

Thank you so much.

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It very much is life, indeed.

 

I've been in your shoes more than once—from childhood abuse to loves lost in part because my own demons hadn't been dealt with. Hard as it is, I can look back on periods like the one you're in with so much gratitude for the lessons.

 

Yeah, in the ideal world we don't have to lose the people who help guide us to our softer, truer, more authentic selves. But the world is rarely ideal, and the beauty of all human connections is in their fragility. Getting to that authentic place, whatever wounds come along the way, is where peace is, and where eventually we become able to learn alongside someone rather than in the wake of them.

 

Still working on getting there myself, and I've got 17 years on you. But it's an awesome journey, full or magic and rewards.

Responded in forum. Still figuring out how to use everything.

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Your view on life is very refreshing. It did make me cry because it’s true. Losing the ones you cared about in order to become a better person almost like it was meant to be.

 

I sit here now thinking of my future life and I have no idea what to do. The uncertainty now that I have absolutely scares me. I think of her not in it and it tears me down. In a way it seems I relied on that certainty and not my own two feet. I guess really that’s what self confidence is, to trust in yourself to make your own choices.

 

Still I search for her place in my life even tho she’s no longer in it. My heart truly aches and I feel as if I’ll never have someone as wonderful as her. That being said the point is I need to move on not with someone else but by myself then maybe someday I hope I can find someone else to walk alongside as you described.

 

Thank you so much.

 

Buddy, I am so feeling for you this Christmas.

 

At the risk of repeating myself, and at the risk of sounding like a patronizing old dude—which I have no right to sound like, because although I'm a lot older than you I'm very much just a dude sipping some pink wine, licking his own wounds, asking his own questions, wrestling with his own longings—I just want to say that your level of exploration right now is really inspiring, really rare.

 

You did not treat this woman as she deserved, did not see and appreciate her at the right times—and that sucks. For her. And for you. That suckiness is just one of those forever facts. I haven't treated everyone I loved perfectly, either, some very far from perfect.

 

But also? That happens, all the time, over and over, in ways big and small, across the globe. People fall short of themselves, hurt others. We are all flawed, far from perfect, and the human head has a wild tendency toward seeking comfort inside our human a$$es, often at the expense of other humans.

 

What is rare are the ones who can spot their missteps, own them, hold themselves accountable, and in that process remove their own heads from their a$$es. You're on that path, and frankly to hear you write about this at your age is astounding. For wherever you fell short and caused pain, it is so clear that you've got a big, soft, hungry, and intelligent heart. And a real soul that is a lot purer than maybe you know. Good stuff, that. The best stuff. Make sure to celebrate that, to nurture it and not just criticize it.

 

Spanking ourselves is easy, hugging ourselves harder. But if we can only spank ourselves, how can we learn to hug and shelter another, you know? Just something to chew on, something I wish I'd heard someone tell me earlier.

 

Anyhow, I know that feeling when uncertainty is like a gigantic wave that you're not sure you can ride. Dude, I have basically spent my adult life in that state. But you can ride it, and right now you're learning how.

 

And that, right there, is her place in your life. Maybe not next to you, not any more, but she's still informing you, still a piece of you, still shaping you. All we are, in the end, is the product of what we learn from those we connect with and those we love, as best as we can connect and love at any juncture. Those loves and connections might not be forever—because, well, nothing is forever, not you or me.

 

So maybe if you can take comfort in knowing that—that what feels right now like a pain in you heart will evolve into a mark that means you were lucky to meet someone who changed you—you can find some appreciation for it all even inside the pain.

 

Big hugs. The pain you're going through right now, if you keep leaning into it with grace, will be something you look back on as a lick of pain required to become a better person.

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Hey Austino96, Merry Christmas. I'm actually going to a similar situation. Although, a situation similar to your exgf's shoes. My bf has put me into some extreme emotional abuse and has dismissed my feelings towards him. He's one of those MGTOW sort of guys. I have yet to learn how to let go and I'm not sure how or if I can even do it.

 

My brain says to let go yet my heart says to stay and work it out. I will let time handle this for me and I say this to you as well.

 

I'm happy that you're learning from this. It's an extreme eye opener. My bf and I arent talking to each other and our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow as we well.

 

That being said, we both have a whirlwind of emotions to handle tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck for New Years.

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Buddy, I am so feeling for you this Christmas.

 

At the risk of repeating myself, and at the risk of sounding like a patronizing old dude—which I have no right to sound like, because although I'm a lot older than you I'm very much just a dude sipping some pink wine, licking his own wounds, asking his own questions, wrestling with his own longings—I just want to say that your level of exploration right now is really inspiring, really rare.

 

You did not treat this woman as she deserved, did not see and appreciate her at the right times—and that sucks. For her. And for you. That suckiness is just one of those forever facts. I haven't treated everyone I loved perfectly, either, some very far from perfect.

 

But also? That happens, all the time, over and over, in ways big and small, across the globe. People fall short of themselves, hurt others. We are all flawed, far from perfect, and the human head has a wild tendency toward seeking comfort inside our human a$$es, often at the expense of other humans.

 

What is rare are the ones who can spot their missteps, own them, hold themselves accountable, and in that process remove their own heads from their a$$es. You're on that path, and frankly to hear you write about this at your age is astounding. For wherever you fell short and caused pain, it is so clear that you've got a big, soft, hungry, and intelligent heart. And a real soul that is a lot purer than maybe you know. Good stuff, that. The best stuff. Make sure to celebrate that, to nurture it and not just criticize it.

 

Spanking ourselves is easy, hugging ourselves harder. But if we can only spank ourselves, how can we learn to hug and shelter another, you know? Just something to chew on, something I wish I'd heard someone tell me earlier.

 

Anyhow, I know that feeling when uncertainty is like a gigantic wave that you're not sure you can ride. Dude, I have basically spent my adult life in that state. But you can ride it, and right now you're learning how.

 

And that, right there, is her place in your life. Maybe not next to you, not any more, but she's still informing you, still a piece of you, still shaping you. All we are, in the end, is the product of what we learn from those we connect with and those we love, as best as we can connect and love at any juncture. Those loves and connections might not be forever—because, well, nothing is forever, not you or me.

 

So maybe if you can take comfort in knowing that—that what feels right now like a pain in you heart will evolve into a mark that means you were lucky to meet someone who changed you—you can find some appreciation for it all even inside the pain.

 

Big hugs. The pain you're going through right now, if you keep leaning into it with grace, will be something you look back on as a lick of pain required to become a better person.

 

You have no idea how much of what you said means to me. I must’ve have read it 50 times by now. It’s a true gift you have given me and I respect you for your wisdom. I will remember what you said to me here and it will help guide me to the rest of my life.

 

The biggest thing I think I have to overcome is just the overall fear of not knowing. Like you said I’m learning how to and I want to learn how to.

 

I realize now that I do have a lot to give. The person I was three months ago isn’t the same person I am now. Tho I have changed I still got work to do. I feel regret not being the person I am now to her for I wasn’t the person I should’ve been.

 

That’s all the past now and there is nothing I can do about it. I will not let this pain and her memory go to waste. It will be used to make me a man. Everything really happens for a reason. I’m thankful for this lesson and for having met her and the time I’ve spent with her.

 

Someday down the road I’ll find my place and I’ll make a woman very happy and it’ll all be because of great people like you and my ex.

 

I remember her with me on a ship balcony alone cruising past Cuba at 11 at night a little tipsy holding hands and hugging each other. Memories like that don’t die. If I ever find that again I will be the luckiest man of all time. Only difference is I’ll appreciate them in the moment and not after they leave. If god ever blesses me with a message from her I’ll let her know what she’s done for me then let her be on with her life.

 

No need for goodbyes or anything for I’ll be surfing this website for a long time most likely. You are great man and I hope you get everything you’ve been longing for.

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Hey Austino96, Merry Christmas. I'm actually going to a similar situation. Although, a situation similar to your exgf's shoes. My bf has put me into some extreme emotional abuse and has dismissed my feelings towards him. He's one of those MGTOW sort of guys. I have yet to learn how to let go and I'm not sure how or if I can even do it.

 

My brain says to let go yet my heart says to stay and work it out. I will let time handle this for me and I say this to you as well.

 

I'm happy that you're learning from this. It's an extreme eye opener. My bf and I arent talking to each other and our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow as we well.

 

That being said, we both have a whirlwind of emotions to handle tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck for New Years.

 

Wow I’m so sorry. That’s crazy our anniversaries are on the same day. As someone who has did the things your bf has done it is truly wrong. Your feelings should never be dismissed and abuse should never be tolerated. My ex told me multiple times to change and how she felt and I never got the memo. Only after she left did I realize everything. Sucks but that’s how it happened.

 

Thank you, I think you need to find a way to communicate your feelings to your bf. The fact that your not talking on Christmas and so close to your anniversary is horrible and I hate that you are going through this. I used no contact as a manipulation tool with my ex during our relationship tho I didn’t realize I was until I reflected back to it.

 

You need to put your foot down. That MGTOW stuff is kinda tuff I doubt he will see your feelings as anything important. The advice I give you is the same advice I’d give my ex if I was someone else. You need to communicate to him the seriousness of how you feel, if he doesn’t take it you need to move on. If he shows he’s willing to change and actually puts forward the work then consider him.

 

I assure you one day if nothing changes you will let go. There’s only so much you will take.

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Thank YOU, buddy, for your wisdom. And for the kind words. I needed them myself today, more, per usual, than I really ever know how to express.

 

We really, truly never know what's around the next bend. So frightening, so very awesome.

 

The more comfortable we can get with that fact, the freer we are, able to live in the present instead of using the present as a battle ground to reckon with the past. The more we try to control it, to know the unknowable, the more we can twist ourselves (and others) into some serious knots.

 

I suspect you suffered some real pain as a child, pain you couldn't control, as a child has no power in that arena. Can relate to that. If we're not careful we end up exerting control over others to compensate for that pain. Can relate to that, too.

 

You're probably further down the road than you know. For now, focus on yourself, on the importance of finding happiness within. I've found and lost that state a million times over, but ultimately it's the only way we can make another happy, if we've already achieved some balance ourselves.

 

And I can't stress enough: make sure you forgive yourself. It's the last step of accountability, and in ways the hardest. I've spent years holding the whip of judgement over my own shoulder for past transgressions, in atonement mode, and it took a good long while to realize the limitations of that. One of many lessons I'm still learning.

 

I was in Cuba exactly 20 years ago with a gf. Two 18 year olds hitchhiking around for a few months until we ran out of money. Not a gigantic or turbulent love, that one, but a lovely time—long gone in ways, still very much part of me in others.

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Wow I’m so sorry. That’s crazy our anniversaries are on the same day. As someone who has did the things your bf has done it is truly wrong. Your feelings should never be dismissed and abuse should never be tolerated. My ex told me multiple times to change and how she felt and I never got the memo. Only after she left did I realize everything. Sucks but that’s how it happened.

 

Thank you, I think you need to find a way to communicate your feelings to your bf. The fact that your not talking on Christmas and so close to your anniversary is horrible and I hate that you are going through this. I used no contact as a manipulation tool with my ex during our relationship tho I didn’t realize I was until I reflected back to it.

 

You need to put your foot down. That MGTOW stuff is kinda tuff I doubt he will see your feelings as anything important. The advice I give you is the same advice I’d give my ex if I was someone else. You need to communicate to him the seriousness of how you feel, if he doesn’t take it you need to move on. If he shows he’s willing to change and actually puts forward the work then consider him.

 

I assure you one day if nothing changes you will let go. There’s only so much you will take.

"I assure you one day if nothing changes you will let go. There’s only so much you will take"

 

Thank you! Hope you spend time with family and friends. They will truly help with our crazy minds and emotions [emoji4]

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Hey Austino96, Merry Christmas. I'm actually going to a similar situation. Although, a situation similar to your exgf's shoes. My bf has put me into some extreme emotional abuse and has dismissed my feelings towards him. He's one of those MGTOW sort of guys. I have yet to learn how to let go and I'm not sure how or if I can even do it.

 

My brain says to let go yet my heart says to stay and work it out. I will let time handle this for me and I say this to you as well.

 

I'm happy that you're learning from this. It's an extreme eye opener. My bf and I arent talking to each other and our 3 year anniversary is tomorrow as we well.

 

That being said, we both have a whirlwind of emotions to handle tomorrow. I wish you the best of luck for New Years.

 

That is your choice. He won't even commit to you after all of this time, and also has anger issues.

 

Have you sought any counseling? I am wondering what you get out of any of this? Why do you choose to stay, and please don't say it is because you love him.

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That is your choice. He won't even commit to you after all of this time, and also has anger issues.

 

Have you sought any counseling? I am wondering what you get out of any of this? Why do you choose to stay, and please don't say it is because you love him.

Hey Hollyj, I haven't done any counseling and quite honestly, too shy and scared to. I haven't quite figured it out but if I could guess, it's probably my upbringing, I'm the "pleaser" trying to please everyone to accept me. I'm not ugly and really take care of my appearance and career but perhaps my confidence is just shot?

 

I was alone today and quite frankly it was pretty nice. Not sure when that'll happen Hollyj. I can't seem to pull the plunge.

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You are choosing not to. Something is comfortable with the abuse with this guy. You know there is no future.

 

Do Yu want to help yourself? We have all advised you to get out, yet you stay. May I ask why you come to the forum, it does not seem that it is for advice?

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That is your choice. He won't even commit to you after all of this time, and also has anger issues.

 

Have you sought any counseling? I am wondering what you get out of any of this? Why do you choose to stay, and please don't say it is because you love him.

 

Thls

 

I cringed reading some of these replies

 

Yes, good for the OPer opening his eyes after she left, and admitting to being a bad partner, why this would give anyone comfort boggles my mind. But Kate please correct me if I’m wrong it seems very much what you’re doing. Kinda like “ oh see! He feels bad! That must mean I should stay!”

 

I’ve said this before, so sorry for repeating myself, but most abusers and bad partners aren’t these super villains sittings and plotting how to make their partners lives miserable. It’s often how their issues, anger, insecurity, jealousy simply manifest themselves.

 

The OPer sees the error of his ways but unless he gets help he WILL repeat the same patterns, being remorseful will not fix anything.

 

Kate, your boyfriend will not change as long as you stay his empath. Stop laying yourself at his feet romanticizing dysfunction. There are far too many women who lost their lives doing the same.

 

It’s not worth it.

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Thls

 

I cringed reading some of these replies

 

Yes, good for the OPer opening his eyes after she left, and admitting to being a bad partner, why this would give anyone comfort boggles my mind. But Kate please correct me if I’m wrong it seems very much what you’re doing. Kinda like “ oh see! He feels bad! That must mean I should stay!”

 

I’ve said this before, so sorry for repeating myself, but most abusers and bad partners aren’t these super villains sittings and plotting how to make their partners lives miserable. It’s often how their issues, anger, insecurity, jealousy simply manifest themselves.

 

The OPer sees the error of his ways but unless he gets help he WILL repeat the same patterns, being remorseful will not fix anything.

 

Kate, your boyfriend will not change as long as you stay his empath. Stop laying yourself at his feet romanticizing dysfunction. There are far too many women who lost their lives doing the same.

 

It’s not worth it.

 

I completely agree with you.

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Thls

 

I cringed reading some of these replies

 

Yes, good for the OPer opening his eyes after she left, and admitting to being a bad partner, why this would give anyone comfort boggles my mind. But Kate please correct me if I’m wrong it seems very much what you’re doing. Kinda like “ oh see! He feels bad! That must mean I should stay!”

 

I’ve said this before, so sorry for repeating myself, but most abusers and bad partners aren’t these super villains sittings and plotting how to make their partners lives miserable. It’s often how their issues, anger, insecurity, jealousy simply manifest themselves.

 

The OPer sees the error of his ways but unless he gets help he WILL repeat the same patterns, being remorseful will not fix anything.

 

Kate, your boyfriend will not change as long as you stay his empath. Stop laying yourself at his feet romanticizing dysfunction. There are far too many women who lost their lives doing the same.

 

It’s not worth it.

 

Also in agreement.

 

That said, there are some drastic lines between OP and Kate's bf. The former has his eyes open, is in therapy, and in the early stages of working through those issues. Where all that goes, only time knows. But I think it's a worthy path, and personally I find comfort in people who are willing to look their demons and mistakes in the eye and see about dismantling them.

 

Kate's bf, meanwhile, got a little burned by a woman once—a woman who, if I had to guess, probably felt burned herself in ways. Instead of searching for how he could evolve and improve and become a more caring lover, he joined a support group for men who blame women for every fire ever created, and in Kate (sorry to be blunt) has a foil for his rage under the label of gf.

 

As figureitout said, he will not change for you, Kate, as being with you rewards him, sends a signal to his brain that he is winning. And from what you've described in past posts I just don't see him changing for anyone. Introspection and humility are required for change, qualities he seems to have been immunized against through life. He does not sound like someone who wants a partner or even someone to love. He finds too much comfort in hate and rage for that, and will likely stay in that spot for a long time.

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