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Moving in together with my almost one year boyfriend but one big issue


lolita

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Dear All,

 

I haven't been back here for a while now. I have decided to post here instead than in the "pets" section, because I didn't want to receive only feedback from pets lover but from any type of people.

 

Alright, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and I have told him the desire to move in together for our one year anniversary. We are both in our mid thirties so I think one year is more than enough time to know where you are standing in the relationship and know if this is for the long haul. My boyfriend loves his freedom and was a bit reluctant. But because we live far from each other, moving in tgt would be the best for us to grow closer and to take this relationship later on to the next level.

 

BUT he refuses to move in with my two cats... Does he use the "cats issue" to win time so to avoid to move in together, to get things serious.? Is he scared to be fully committed and having responsibilities? He has NO allergies, he just doesn't like cats. When he comes to my house he has no choice but to be with them. Sometimes I think he over milks it . Because I have seen him petting them, playing with them, or going outdoor with them and making sure they get back in with him. I have tried to convince him a million times. But he is really stubborn and refuse to give in. So I m running out of arguments to convince him. I ve told him, that I would always be the one in charge of them, that I will clean as much as possible to avoid fur to be all over the place and also I will make sure they don't enter our bedroom. I initially even told him that we should look for a 2 bedrooms apt. So cats could be sleeping sometimes in the guest bedroom. But he wants a certain type of apt and I have to be ok with it.

 

So tell me how can I convince him? I m sad that he had asked me to get rid of them, when he knows how much I love them and how important they mean to me. Specifically that both are rescue pets. What kind of person would I be to put them back to the shelter I ve saved them from? I m alone in the city, my entire family lives abroad. I don't understand why he can't see that the issue is really hurting me and affecting me. He knew from day one I had 2 cats. I have assured him that in the unfortunate even that they die, I wont ask him to have another pet, that is something different to ask for a pet and already having two. I m 35, I don't have kids although I m dreaming to have one so my cats are a bit replacing that emptiness of not being a mother yet.

 

The problem is now he has put us in a dead end. Because I won't get a rid of them and I wont be able to go on years and years living a part from each other and seeing each other just once or twice a week. That relationship will be doomed.

 

So I ll be glad if anyone can help suggesting compromise to make him change is mind.

 

Thanks a lot

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I'm of two minds (former cat owner and would love to have a cat now, logistics/practicalities are obstacles right now!). So yes -it's "love me/love my cats" and on the other hand - if he moves in he is moving in with the cats even if you're 100% responsible. My mother didn't really like cats and basically tolerated ours growing up (my father fawned all over him lol) and she made that sacrifice for the rest of us. So I get making sacrifices.

 

I did have a friend who had 2 cats she adored and after their son was born she realized she had to re-home them and she did. But, she now has cats now that her kids are older.

 

I just don't see you giving up the cats and if you think he's using this as an excuse that's the real issue. if you share living space is the plan to get engaged/married or is it mainly for convenience? Have you considered having the cats stay with your family (another friend did that with her dog also because of her baby).

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Why are you trying to push and convince him to move in together when you haven't even been together a year yet? I get some move faster than others, but if he's not the type to, that's absolutely healthy.

 

A good way to tell if cats truly are the obstacle would be to completely reframe the narrative. Drop the whole urgency to cohabit and seriously inquire on whether, if 2, 3 or however many years went by and you two decided to move in together, he would still not be able to tolerate the cats. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to live with cats. They're ***holes, and I think it's perfectly fine if someone wants to draw a line in the sand there. That said, I'm the owner of two little ***holes and there's no way I'd get rid of them for a woman. She could be an awesome lady, but I know there are plenty of awesome women out there who like cats, or who will at least tolerate them.

 

So, yeah. Drop the pressure so that you can get a real answer on this potentially huge incompatibility.

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This isn't just about the cats. This is about him feeling pressured by you to move in, by you making him feel that he "should be" moving in because it's one year.

 

He's already shared his reluctance, so now he's layering in the issue with the cats. He knows you'll never get rid of the cats, so it's a great buffer wall for him.

 

It's not about whether he loves cats, hates cats, or is indifferent to cats. This is about two people moving forward in a relationship, and he is very happy as things are right now, yet you are pushing things along. You will LOSE HIM if you don't back off. Let him breathe. Let him come to you with some suggestions. And what is so special about one year?

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I like cats, but could never live with them : destroying furniture, litter box and marking the home.

 

You can't force him to live with you, if he doesn't like cats. I think you need to make a choice.

 

I have cats and they have never clawed furniture, my litter box is outside and they have never once marked anything.

 

That being said . . My spidey senses tell me that he's using this as a road block.

Especially in light of the fact that he interacts with them and seems to enjoy them, despite his protests. Some thing doesn't add up.

 

If he is indeed bluffing. Call him on it. Tell him that it's too bad that to two of you can't seem to come to an agreement on it

and for the meanwhile, the idea of moving into together is off the table.

 

I will get on my soap box here. . You signed up to be a pet owner for the life of the pet, not until it becomes an inconvenience.

You made a commitment to these two little rescues. Please keep it.

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Why are you trying to push and convince him to move in together when you haven't even been together a year yet? I get some move faster than others, but if he's not the type to, that's absolutely healthy.

 

A good way to tell if cats truly are the obstacle would be to completely reframe the narrative. Drop the whole urgency to cohabit and seriously inquire on whether, if 2, 3 or however many years went by and you two decided to move in together, he would still not be able to tolerate the cats. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to live with cats. They're ***holes, and I think it's perfectly fine if someone wants to draw a line in the sand there. That said, I'm the owner of two little ***holes and there's no way I'd get rid of them for a woman. She could be an awesome lady, but I know there are plenty of awesome women out there who like cats, or who will at least tolerate them.

 

So, yeah. Drop the pressure so that you can get a real answer on this potentially huge incompatibility.

 

Lmao, I'm the owner of two little ***holes also

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To add: I'm super highly allergic to cats, plus I'm a dog person.

 

Several years ago, I dated a guy with 2 cats, and I started seeing an allergist. It would never, in a million years, be fair to have him get rid of his cats for us to move forward. Months after our breakup, he called me crying when one of his cats passed, as he knew I'd understand his love for them.

 

Yep, as reinventmyself said, your guy is using the cats as a roadblock.

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I have cats and they have never clawed furniture, my litter box is outside and they have never once marked anything.

 

That being said . . My spidey senses tell me that he's using this as a road block.

Especially in light of the fact that he interacts with them and seems to enjoy them, despite his protests. Some thing doesn't add up.

 

If he is indeed bluffing. Call him on it. Tell him that it's too bad that to two of you can't seem to come to an agreement on it

and for the meanwhile, the idea of moving into together is off the table.

 

I will get on my soap box here. . You sign up to be a pet owner for the life of the pet, not until it becomes an inconvenience.

You made a commitment to these two little rescues. Please keep it.

 

I live in a city, and so an outside litter box would not be an option. Plus, everyone i have known has kept their cats inside as they were concerned about their safety (cars and other animals). I think it is dependent on where you live.

 

I just can't do the cat thing. More of a dog person.

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Sorry to have to say it but I think you and him are on different pages. You want to move in, settle down and have a family in a relatively short period. He is reluctant to move in with you and is asking you to get rid of the cats did him to do so. Wether this is a genuine dealbreaker for him or just a stalling method, he knew you had cats from the beginning and it is not fair IMO for him to expect you to get rid of them.

 

These cats are your company and faux children. Is he going to marry you and give you a family when you move in together so that you feel it was worth losing your precious kitties? I think not.

 

I’m not an animal lover BTW, I just think he’s not of the same mindset. Have you discussed marriage and children? Does he want those soon?

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I live in a city, and so an outside litter box would not be an option. Plus, everyone i have known has kept their cats inside as they were concerned about their safety (cars and other animals). I think it is dependent on where you live.

 

 

I just can't do the cat thing. More of a dog person.

I have an enclosed courtyard and when it rains I bring the box inside. If you are a responsible pet owner you clean up after it daily. The box is never an issue.

 

It's ok. . I get it. Not everyone likes cats. But this guy apparently enjoys them on his terms. He agreed to get involved with her knowing she had them.

Asking her to get rid of them is heartless.

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My boyfriend loves his freedom and was a bit reluctant.

 

This is not about the cats. You've plowed over his reluctance and insist on a move in, so he's pointing to the cats to deflect the fact that he doesn't WANT to move in together.

 

I'd ask myself, "If this is the most that BF will offer me--no less, but no more--am I in or out?" If the answer is in, then take living together off the table and here you are. If the answer is out, then the next question becomes, when?

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My last bf was left with two small rescue dogs his ex gf of 8yrs wanted. When she moved out she couldn't take them because the apt wouldn't allow it.

So here's this man who never wanted them to begin and he is out of town half the year and was hiring a neighbor girl to live at his house to take care of them.

 

It was a long painful decision and several attempts to rehome them, but he ultimately dropped them off at a rescue facility.

He was so upset he couldn't talk about it for days.

 

The next time I see him, he comes to my home and suggests that seeing he got rid of his dogs, that I should get rid of my cats. .because that would be fair. (?)

 

I backed up to the other side of the room, visibly shaken. He smirked and said he was only kidding. But in my gut I knew he wasn't.

It wasn't until he saw my reaction he back peddled.

 

Yah. . no matter how much I cared about that guy, if anyone had to go, it would have been him.

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You are ready to move forward, live together, and you love cats. He wants his freedom and no cats. At this point in time you two are not compatible living companions. Discuss with him where he stands about moving forward, where he sees you two in a year's time, and explore options with him for growing the relationship, if that is what you both want, where he can feel free and you can have cats.

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I have an enclosed courtyard and when it rains I bring the box inside. If you are a responsible pet owner you clean up after it daily. The box is never an issue.

 

It's ok. . I get it. Not everyone likes cats. But this guy apparently enjoys them on his terms. He agreed to get involved with her knowing she had them.

Asking her to get rid of them is heartless.

 

I agree.

 

When I lived in the desert, the damn coyotes and wild cats would get the pets. Many of my friends lost their cats if they were allowed outdoors

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You are ready to move forward, live together, and you love cats. He wants his freedom and no cats. At this point in time you two are not compatible living companions. Discuss with him where he stands about moving forward, where he sees you two in a year's time, and explore options with him for growing the relationship, if that is what you both want, where he can feel free and you can have cats.
Agree!

 

Further: Its not even a year. IMO people should not even be thinking of moving in together during any part of the honeymoon period. If you're only seeing this guy once or twice a week then you barely even know him in the scheme of things.

 

If a guy actually loves you, is ready to move in with you and is NOT allergic to cat dander, then he wouldn't care if you and your cats were a package deal. Frankly, I'm not sure why, when he suggested you get rid of them, you didn't tell him outright that wouldn't be happening and then discussed a time line as to when, if all is going well with the two of you would he be ready to advance the relationship. After two years, he should know if he can picture himself with you in a more committed setting.

 

I think that if he had some serious concern for your feelings and he didn't like cats he would insist that no new ones came into the house once these two were gone. If he has a heart, he certainly wouldn't expect you to give up your pets. JMO

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It isn't about the cats. If he didn't like the animals, he wouldn't be playing with them, making sure they come back in doors with him, etc. In short, he wouldn't be caring and affectionate toward them. Especially when you are not looking, but....he is.

 

I agree with the rest of the posters who are saying that he is not ready to move in together, you are pressuring him, he is using cats as an excuse not to, knowing full well that you won't get rid of them and you shouldn't....because this isn't about the critters at all. At the very least, you and him aren't on the same timeline, at worst, your overall relationship goals aren't aligned. Probably time to have an honest heart to heart talk about it and that means that you actually need to listen carefully to what he has to say without getting upset that you won't hear what you want to. If he is not ready to move in, then you need to back off. If your end goals aren't aligned, you better know it now than waste another month on this.

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Thank you everyone for your kind inputs.

 

We do love each other and I have been very quickly part of his family. Two of his younger brothers are married with child. They are all very family oriented. When I talk about getting married and having a child he is not against it. He just says not now.

Which I agree too because the moving in tgt is not to rush things up. It is not either for financial issues. In fact I have a much bigger apt than him with a backyard. It is not also the mid thirties crisis where you wake up from your coma and realize you are nowhere in life.

 

I only want to move in with him to be able to spend more time with him. It's very hard for us to find time to see each other as we live far and we both don't have a car.

Also what I meant by freedom it's is independence which I respect too and I love mine too.

 

My cats are clean, one is a bit more of a work cos he has his mood and it has happened that I found pee in the corner if I had let them one or 2 days alone.. Other then that they are really good companions.

They are not yet declawed bc of the fact that they are going outdoors on trees etc but I had told me BF that if we were to move in tgt I would get them declawed.

As for putting them at friends not really and as I have mentioned my family lives in another country.

 

A few of you understand how I m feeling towards the fact that he knew from day one how important they were to me and how he had the heart to request to get a rid of them.

 

For sure even if I had found a nice home for them, I would always resent him for making me giving up on something that I love and cherish

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Thank you everyone for your kind inputs.

 

We do love each other and I have been very quickly part of his family. Two of his younger brothers are married with child. They are all very family oriented. When I talk about getting married and having a child he is not against it. He just says not now.

Which I agree too because the moving in tgt is not to rush things up. It is not either for financial issues. In fact I have a much bigger apt than him with a backyard. It is not also the mid thirties crisis where you wake up from your coma and realize you are nowhere in life.

 

I only want to move in with him to be able to spend more time with him. It's very hard for us to find time to see each other as we live far and we both don't have a car.

Also what I meant by freedom it's is independence which I respect too and I love mine too.

 

My cats are clean, one is a bit more of a work cos he has his mood and it has happened that I found pee in the corner if I had let them one or 2 days alone.. Other then that they are really good companions.

They are not yet declawed bc of the fact that they are going outdoors on trees etc but I had told me BF that if we were to move in tgt I would get them declawed.

As for putting them at friends not really and as I have mentioned my family lives in another country.

 

A few of you understand how I m feeling towards the fact that he knew from day one how important they were to me and how he had the heart to request to get a rid of them.

 

For sure even if I had found a nice home for them, I would always resent him for making me giving up on something that I love and cherish

 

I'll just reiterate again that this isn't about the cats. You are ready to move in, you want to grow closer, you want to spend more time together BUT he isn't moving at your pace and that's that. What his family and siblings do, quite frankly, has zero effect on him, you, and your relationship or the pace that it takes. He is not them and they aren't him. It's important that you understand and recognize that.

 

He may want a family eventually, but he is telling you point blank that it's not right now.....and might not even be with you push come to shove.

 

I'll just urge you again to sit down and have an honest heart to heart with him and be really ready to hear what you don't want to hear. At best, he is not ready to move in right now, at worst he doesn't see a future with you at all. You need to know regardless. If he won't tell you the truth, then give yourself a concrete time line - how long are you willing to wait on him to catch up to where you are and if he still isn't there, you'll need to walk away IF you are serious about wanting marriage and a family. Don't waste years on a guy who is just comfortable with you for now.

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Thank you everyone for your kind inputs.

 

 

I only want to move in with him to be able to spend more time with him. It's very hard for us to find time to see each other as we live far and we both don't have a car.

 

Can you say for certain he's as eager to move in together as you seem to be?

You already mentioned he has said `not now' and he throws in that cats are a possible road block or deal breaker.

I am hearing how important this is to you but you haven't clearly stated his desire. Actually the opposite.

Just do not move in with anyone who isn't at least excited about it as you are. . Even better, more excited.

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Lots of "I" statements, very few "we" statements - this is pretty telling, OP. You guys are on different pages, and that's what you need to focus on...bringing the storylines together, or letting them diverge. Moving in at this point, while I understand your line of thinking, would be rushing things...and a bit of a recipe for disaster it sounds like.

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