Sexually Assaulted, was I raped?

[rachelnichole5]

I just turned 22. I was out for a night at the bars with all of my friends for my birthday weekend. I've been very stressed lately and heavily drinking. On Friday night I also was mixing drugs (Percocet) on top of drinking. I do not remember leaving any of the bars. I don't remember the last bar we ended up at. I drove to one of my guy friends house who've I've been talking to. We have never had sex nor been sexual. We've kissed and we cuddle and that's it. The next day I told him I don't remember anything past 12:30. And he said I got to his house. He put me in the shower. And then we had sex. He also said the entire time I was calling him the wrong name. I went through my texts, as most girls do because drunk texting can be deadly. And I have a message in there to him stating "no sexual things" and I'm just curious as if I should feel wrong for feeling like I got raped. I've never been with this person. I feel sick to my stomach. He said he can't change what "we did" and as soon as he said that I threw up. I don't know how to tell anyone about this and I feel like I want to talk about it but I can't because I was black out drunk so I wasn't even aware of what was going on. Can someone please tell me how I should feel right now.

[kbbcoop77]

Sounds to me you both got drunk and had drunk sex, but you also mixed in pills which wasn't too bright. I'd be careful throwing the rape card out there. Back in the 80's/90's we drank and had sex I don't remember anyone screaming rape. I'm glad I got my wild oats sown back then

[1a1a]

You very definitely didn't give your consent. (Anyone that thinks a person who is black out drunk can give consent seriously needs to check themselves).

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel. Just, however you do feel, it's ok to feel it. And maybe get yourself checked for STDs (because that's never a bad idea), and regard that guy with extreme caution moving forward. Maybe he didn't Rape you in the dictionary definition sense of the word, but he didn't look for enthusiastic consent either (maybe he was drunk enough to not be acting wisely but still, persevering with someone who doesn't even say your name? Low self esteem or low esteem for others, something not right there.)

[Capricorn3]

I always find posts like this very disturbing.

 

Can you believe what this guy says? Can you trust what he says? Can there be any doubt? So hard to know what the truth is. (NOT condoning what happened, just playing devil's advocate).

 

That said:

On Friday night I also was mixing drugs (Percocet) on top of drinking. I do not remember leaving any of the bars. I don't remember the last bar we ended up at. I drove to one of my guy friends house who've I've been talking to. I don't know how to tell anyone about this and I feel like I want to talk about it but I can't because I was black out drunk so I wasn't even aware of what was going on.

 

It would probably be a very good idea to stop drinking altogether if you can't handle it well. And if you do continue drinking, be a responsible drinker and not to the extent of blacking out and losing control. Not only that, but DRUNK DRIVING is also a very serious offence and could have got you and others killed. Just some thoughts to bear in mind for the future.

[Matt3939]

I'd worry more about your drunk driving. That could hurt kill others. You meeting up with a guy only hurts yourself and maybe him if he didn't use protection. I'm not approving of his actions either. I'd be worried about him if hes acting like it's no big deal.

[melancholy123]

You need to lay off the booze and pills, what you did was totally foolish never mind dangerous if you were actually driving. Having no clue to your surroundings and what happened to you is just as bad as getting black out drunk. Smarten up!

[j.man]

I make this point pretty frequently on these forums as the two concepts are often wrongly conflated. Blacking out and incapacity are two entirely different things. Not remember something doesn't mean you weren't of sound [enough] mind to make a conscious decision. It just means your long-term memory processing was inhibited.

 

That said, with him having put you in the shower, at strictly face value it does seem you were in a subordinate position. Even if inebriated, I consider it morbidly perverse for him to be aroused while assuming a caretaking role. Then again, when I'm drunk, I tend to try to look after others. Once, I was helping someone else walk when I stepped straight into a cement pillar while guiding them. I guess I can't just assume because he was helping you out that he was sauced off his ass himself.

 

But there's no way to know. If you're not comfortable not knowing things, don't so much as take a single drink of alcohol as that's all it technically takes for the toxicity to impede neurological function with relation to memory. As far as whether you should feel ****ty? I don't think anyone should, and I don't think forcing yourself to be is productive in any way, shape, or form. But if you're struggling with this not knowing, I would suggest seeking out counseling.

 

For certain, I don't think you should trust yourself around this man again, inebriated or otherwise. And please consider taking a break from booze. For as much as I wanted to and should sympathize with you, it was very difficult knowing you put lives in jeopardy by operating a one-ton plus vehicle while ***-faced.

[Ms Darcy]

Whether legal or not, I have a hard time believing or accepting that drunk consent is consent -whether blacked out or "into it" or not. It's my own personal belief.

[j.man]

Whether legal or not, I have a hard time believing or accepting that drunk consent is consent -whether blacked out or "into it" or not. It's my own personal belief.

We're not of the same mind while drunk when it comes to anything, sex included.

 

But I'd be on board if it were widely accepted a drunk woman riding a drunk man was just as much rape as a drunk man plowing a drunk woman. Sincerely without trying to bring on a gender debate, it tends to be the case when two drunken parties are involved, it's the man assumed the rapist. I do think there are some brilliant and completely necessary strides being made with the concept of consent, but we've yet to really reconcile between the political and scientific aspects of drugs and capacity.

 

But, again, I admit it doesn't sit right at all with me that this guy could help her shower and still be inclined to have sex with her.

[lostlove76]

I've seen threads like this before, and I always wonder to myself why if both people are drunk, it's the woman who is able to potentially call it rape. What about the guy? He was drunk too, so couldn't he claim rape just as much as she can? I guess it just bugs me when a girl willingly gets drunk, willingly puts herself in a close position with a guy, most likely willingly goes along with the sexual acts... then wakes up, can't fully remember what happened, regrets it, and wants to call it rape. I never hear guys calling it rape when they were blackout drunk. I think it's just a way to diminish personal responsibility.

 

So to the OP, I would agree with most of what was commented above. Don't get to that level of drunk if you can't control your actions. I wouldn't view this as rape, just a learning experience that will hopefully not be repeated. And ditto to all the above about driving drunk. Also, sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you were aware enough to make the (bad) decision to drive over to this guy's house, then you were aware enough to be personally responsible for your own sexual actions. Just my opinion.

[lostlove76]

We're not of the same mind while drunk when it comes to anything, sex included.

 

But I'd be on board if it were widely accepted a drunk woman riding a drunk man was just as much rape as a drunk man plowing a drunk woman. Sincerely without trying to bring on a gender debate, it tends to be the case when two drunken parties are involved, it's the man assumed the rapist. I do think there are some brilliant and completely necessary strides being made with the concept of consent, but we've yet to really reconcile between the political and scientific aspects of drugs and capacity.

 

Ah, great minds think alike I typed mine before I read yours. Glad to see someone else holds the same viewpoint.

[lukeb]

...... I'm just curious as if I should feel wrong for feeling like I got raped. I've never been with this person. I feel sick to my stomach. He said he can't change what "we did" and as soon as he said that I threw up. I don't know how to tell anyone about this and I feel like I want to talk about it but I can't because I was black out drunk so I wasn't even aware of what was going on. Can someone please tell me how I should feel right now.

 

You're young, as far as feeling I think you need to forgive yourself for what happened but then at the same time also acknowledge what happened especially the part about driving drunk to this guy's house you had been talking to. There is a comfort in believing that all the things that happen are somehow out of your control. I think that is a very dangerous thing to think, and it is also not true. That is actually the good news in all of this, you are an accountable human being responsible for your actions.

 

My best advice is to forgive yourself for the things you have done, acknowledge then, learn from them and move on. If what happened will make you a more responsible a more accountable human being then some good came out of it. You will be able to look back on this and be able to say I can't believe the stupid things I did when I was young but I learned from them, and I can be proud of the person I am now.

 

None of these things will happen if you believe you are a complete victim in all of this and you weren't in control of all the things that happened that night.

 

Mostly though I would say learn to forgive yourself, you are far from the only person who did stupid things when they were young, and I would count myself as among them. I do also have concerns about what the guy did that you drove over to, mostly though I would let it go and concentrate on the things you had control over. I think it is also true that just because you were black out drunk that at the time you weren't making decisions, just like we don't absolve guys from the things they do when they are drunk and full of drugs.

 

If you are really struggling with feelings of guilt I would say go see someone, but there is a danger in going to see someone who just tell you what you want to hear while you should go see someone that tells you what you need to hear. The best way though to get over feelings of guilt is to acknowledge what happened and to accept responsibility. It is clear to me you dont seem to be doing here.

[1a1a]

Lostlove76 I know two men who lost their virginity in that way, too drunk to say yes or no, to older (therefore one would hope more responsible) women. They did tentatively describe that as rape. Or at least, something they weren't happy about that shaken their trust in other people.

[lukeb]

I had meant to say just because you were black out drunk you were still making decisions, just like we don't absolve guys for the things they do when they are drunk.

[rachelnichole5]

No where in my message does it say he was intoxicated. He was not intoxicated.

[rachelnichole5]

You very definitely didn't give your consent. (Anyone that thinks a person who is black out drunk can give consent seriously needs to check themselves).

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel. Just, however you do feel, it's ok to feel it. And maybe get yourself checked for STDs (because that's never a bad idea), and regard that guy with extreme caution moving forward. Maybe he didn't Rape you in the dictionary definition sense of the word, but he didn't look for enthusiastic consent either (maybe he was drunk enough to not be acting wisely but still, persevering with someone who doesn't even say your name? Low self esteem or low esteem for others, something not right there.)

 

He wasn't drinking though

[Wiseman2]

He took advantage of your intoxicated state, if you want to accuse/prosecute him for rape that's up to you. Also get yourself help for your drug/drinking issues.

 

You are already having dangerous blackouts and driving drunk. So it's only a matter of time before you end up on a respirator form ODing, mangled in a trauma ward or on a morgue slab.

I also was mixing drugs (Percocet) on top of drinking. I drove to one of my guy friends house. He put me in the shower. And then we had sex. He said he can't change what "we did"

[qwaspolk82]

I just turned 22. I was out for a night at the bars with all of my friends for my birthday weekend. I've been very stressed lately and heavily drinking. On Friday night I also was mixing drugs (Percocet) on top of drinking. I do not remember leaving any of the bars. I don't remember the last bar we ended up at. I drove to one of my guy friends house who've I've been talking to. We have never had sex nor been sexual. We've kissed and we cuddle and that's it. The next day I told him I don't remember anything past 12:30. And he said I got to his house. He put me in the shower. And then we had sex. He also said the entire time I was calling him the wrong name. I went through my texts, as most girls do because drunk texting can be deadly. And I have a message in there to him stating "no sexual things" and I'm just curious as if I should feel wrong for feeling like I got raped. I've never been with this person. I feel sick to my stomach. He said he can't change what "we did" and as soon as he said that I threw up. I don't know how to tell anyone about this and I feel like I want to talk about it but I can't because I was black out drunk so I wasn't even aware of what was going on. Can someone please tell me how I should feel right now.

 

Depends on what state you're in. Blacking out just means you can't remember it not that you were unconscious. In fact, you may likely start to remember bits and pieces in the coming months. You might not remember anything. If you were at any point unconscious - and he had sex with you - that is rape. But that would be very hard to prove in court.

 

You need to go find a rape crisis center or a place with victim advocacy. This might help: You type in your state and it will find the closest center near you. Or this: You can chat with someone online if you don't want to call or meet face to face.

 

It's completely normal to feel violated if you can't remember having a sexual encounter. The last time I got black out drunk was about 7 years ago before I left Washington to my next duty station. Someone I thought was a friend messaged me and said he needed to talk, he was getting a divorce and all this crap. Being the nice friend I am I said yeah come over. I was in the barracks at the time. He brought a bottle of vodka. I said I can't drink much of that. I had some shots with him and bs. I should've known better because he had been trying to get in my pants for 4 1/2 years we were in that unit. The last thing I remember is I said this was my last shot and I noticed he filled it up as full as he could in the glass.

 

Next thing I know - I wake up in my bed and run into my bathroom to puke. Then I realize I have no pants on. I see them on the floor covered in puke. He's gone. I go to my bed - more puke. I toss the blanket aside and go back to sleep. Next day I feel like death. But I can't remember if anything happened. If he tried anything. He wasn't there to ask. I did remember having a dream that he kissed me but maybe it was real? I don't know. I saw him a few days later and asked him happened? He said nothing. That I said I didn't feel well. I puked. He asked me if I needed something to eat or drink. I said no. And then he left. I said you just left me there to choke on my vomit? Some friend." He said "Well you said you were fine."

 

I don't know if something happened or not. He had put moves on me twice before that. Once was in Iraq and I did tell a male friend who went all big brother on him. I can't prove anything. It didn't seem like I had sex of any kind and he said we didn't. But it was pretty ty feeling.

 

And the first time I got black out drunk if I hadn't had someone watching out for me, I would have gotten raped. In Nashville. TDY. Straight out of basic/AIT. Me, one other enlisted and a bunch of officers. The enlisted guy was married. I was drinking and drinking and then he gave me 151. I never had it - and I never will again. Last thing I remember is dancing int he club. Next thing I know I'm puking in the hotel in a trash can. The next day - as I felt like I had been hit by 1000 trucks - this one officer said the enlisted guy was trying to take me back to the room alone and the officer said no he had better go with us.

 

The second black out - I felt kind of violated because I didn't know what happened and I didn't want anything to happen which this guy knew for 4 1/2 years. Apparently he just wanted to know what it's like to sleep with a white girl (he is Hispanic - Mexican I think). It does feel strange to not remember and not know.

 

This guy sounds a little shady. There may have been no sex. He could be making that up but only he knows because you can't remember. I strongly suggest looking up that info on RAINN and talking to someone who knows how to help people through this.

[qwaspolk82]

I've seen threads like this before, and I always wonder to myself why if both people are drunk, it's the woman who is able to potentially call it rape. What about the guy? He was drunk too, so couldn't he claim rape just as much as she can? I guess it just bugs me when a girl willingly gets drunk, willingly puts herself in a close position with a guy, most likely willingly goes along with the sexual acts... then wakes up, can't fully remember what happened, regrets it, and wants to call it rape. I never hear guys calling it rape when they were blackout drunk. I think it's just a way to diminish personal responsibility.

 

So to the OP, I would agree with most of what was commented above. Don't get to that level of drunk if you can't control your actions. I wouldn't view this as rape, just a learning experience that will hopefully not be repeated. And ditto to all the above about driving drunk. Also, sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you were aware enough to make the (bad) decision to drive over to this guy's house, then you were aware enough to be personally responsible for your own sexual actions. Just my opinion.

 

Either one can say they were raped. There's no law that says only a drunk woman can't consent. But in our society - people tend to think that men cannot be raped by women. If a guy EVER says he is raped by a woman he gets laughed at or called names and dismissed. So that's likely why it's usually women who report even when drunk.

[rosephase]

No where in my message does it say he was intoxicated. He was not intoxicated.

 

You told him you didn't want to have sex on the way over. He wasn't drunk. He took advantage of you. He was using you and being awful.

 

When I was in college I made a lot of bad choices. Some ended up like your night. Some didn't. It's a rough learning curve but that doesn't mean it was your fault. This guy a creep. And it sucks we live in a world were so many people are so fast to blame you. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry we live in a world were you simply can't trust people as much as you just did. I hope you have people to talk to about it. It might take awhile to figure out all your feelings. None of your feelings are wrong.

 

When I was raped under similar circumstances here are a bunch of the feelings I had: self blame, self hate, fear, being turned on, being grossed out, I tried to date the guy to make it alright, I tried to forgive the guy to make it alright, I tried ignoring it, I pretended that I wanted it, I tried to convince myself I deserved it... I had so many conflicting feelings and the hard part is you just have to feel them all and work through them.

 

/

 

If anything I've learned to forgive the individuals, myself and my rapists. I try to focus on the awful society we've all created around sex. I try to dismantle the culture that causes so many consent issues. It's hard. But it's easier then carrying around all the blame and fear.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

[qwaspolk82]

You very definitely didn't give your consent. (Anyone that thinks a person who is black out drunk can give consent seriously needs to check themselves).

 

I don't think anyone can tell you how to feel. Just, however you do feel, it's ok to feel it. And maybe get yourself checked for STDs (because that's never a bad idea), and regard that guy with extreme caution moving forward. Maybe he didn't Rape you in the dictionary definition sense of the word, but he didn't look for enthusiastic consent either (maybe he was drunk enough to not be acting wisely but still, persevering with someone who doesn't even say your name? Low self esteem or low esteem for others, something not right there.)

 

Black out drunk and being unconscious are actually two very different things. You can get black out drunk and still be conscious and make decisions. The first time I got black out drunk - I don't remember them helping me back to the hotel or the places we went and I went to willingly after the last bar I remember. Yes it's crappy to take advantage of someone who is that intoxicated - but you can still consent if you're conscious. Just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

 

That guy could also be lying his ass off too. No one knows but him at this point.

[Seraphim]

In Canada you can't legally consent if you are drunk.

[rachelnichole5]

Also. To those who said just because I was black out drunk doesn't mean I didn't want it, did you miss the part where I had texted him 4 hours prior stating no sexual things. I literally stated I did not want to do anything sexual 4 hours prior. He was not intoxicated. He had a clear message that I did not want to have sex with him. I was so incoherent that I was calling him the wrong name more than once.

So please, explain to me that it is okay that he put himself inside of me. Knowing I was so intoxicated I couldn't even figure out who he was.

I didn't mention this because I know the arguement I'm going to get out of it. But I have three bruises on the left side of my arm that my mother asked "who grabbed me" because they're noticeable hand print marks. As well as on my inner thigh I have marks that look to me like finger tip prints.

I'm not sure where they came from. But I do know I didn't have them Friday morning but they were there Saturday morning.

[Capricorn3]

OP, have you reported him? If not, why not? (Just trying to understand).

[rachelnichole5]

OP, have you reported him? If not, why not? (Just trying to understand).

 

We work together, for one. For two I had taken a shower 3 times when I left his house. So going to some one to report it doesn't matter now. I've erased any evidence. And me being black out drunk, I don't have a case. how am I suppose to argue with a defense attorney that I was raped if I can't remember it?