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I just discovered this term today. I don't like to label people in general, but I do believe my ex embodied many of the characteristics and behavior that a future faker possesses. A lot of the pain I have been feeling is stemming from how he strung me along into believing we had a long-term future together, was so adamant about planning it, but in reality his actions showed the complete opposite of wanting it. I guess it all became clear the day we broke up when he told me he didn't want to be 30 and divorced one day.

 

After reading more about this on baggagereclaim, I feel some sort of relief to finally be able to identify possible reasons that he did this to me. I knew at the time it was strange that he was so determined about it all when he sprung it on me seemingly out of no where sometime after the holidays. I was hesitant to go along with it but he always talked about it and almost was forcing his plans on to me- like the location he wanted to move to (which I wasn't too crazy about but wanted to be open to it for him since he liked it so much) then when I finally warmed up to the idea of us moving and starting a life together it became too much of a reality for him. He knew he wasn't capable of giving me that life. Maybe he just wanted it for himself so badly and wanted a safety blanket to come along.

 

Now, I struggle with the idea that I wasn't good enough- that he couldn't see himself with me so there must have been something wrong with me. He always said how he couldn't see himself with anyone but me, didn't want anyone else but what he was doing during the relationship proves otherwise. A lot of the time I find myself wondering why he said all of that just to keep me around. For what? Security? I'll never know and it isn't healthy for me to keep trying to find the answers. I can't, and then I just resort to blaming myself and chalking it up to my perceived flaws.

 

Anyway, here is the link:

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It's not your fault. He seems like a dreamer. He dreams about what he wants..but once it becomes reality he becomes scared of it, and starts dreaming up something else he wants..always living in a dream. To afraid to make it real, for the chance that his dream might turn sour.

 

It sounded like he has some ultimate master plan he wanted to achieve (hence the certain area he wanted to move to, and forcing you along, and the determination involved with it). It sounds like he loved his plan more then the girl involved in it =/ (sorry to say) ..this is when a person falls in love with the idea of someone but not the actual person...so it was his problem, not yours.

 

He backed out saying "I don't want to get a divorce at 30!" because he's still focused on his masterplan of living happily ever after...and will stop at nothing (even breaking people's hearts) to get there...which is awfully selfish of him. Surely he won't get anywhere stringing girls along like this and wondering why he's never happy and married...he wants it so bad, that he's being aggressive about it.

 

It's lucky that you got away from him. He sounds controlling and doesn't seem to live in the moment (he stresses over the future like an obsession)..and doesn't seem to care who it hurts.

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I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. Hang in there, it's not you, IT'S THEM!

 

These individuals are users, they take the most out of a situation and when there's nothing left to take, they leave.

 

Dreamers usually have the 'Fairy tale' complex, they want to live happily ever after no matter whom with. They don't value the partner-person, their only concern is their selfish ambitions.

They don't put the relationship first...and when the sh*t hits the fan, you won't see them anymore.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? You're the judge.

 

Look for 'Borderline Personality Disorder' too. You might get a better perspective about this mental confusion you're having now.

 

Consider yourself lucky, really!

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baggage link removed is one of my favorite websites. I also love how they show a feed of their FB posts on the side of their web page - so those of us who are avoiding FB will not miss out on the amazing insight they post. If you like that site and Natalie Lue, a few other good ones are:

link removed and any information from Kaleah LaRoche at link removed. The information they offer is interesting. It may not fit your situation, but the material is amazing.

 

I was with a "faker" too. He was a faker in the past and he will be a faker in the future.

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baggage link removed is one of my favorite websites. I also love how they show a feed of their FB posts on the side of their web page - so those of us who are avoiding FB will not miss out on the amazing insight they post. If you like that site and Natalie Lue, a few other good ones are:

link removed and any information from Kaleah LaRoche at link removed. The information they offer is interesting. It may not fit your situation, but the material is amazing.

 

I was with a "faker" too. He was a faker in the past and he will be a faker in the future.

 

Thanks for sharing those sites, I will definitely check them out. Baggagereclaim has put a lot of things into perspective for me.

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I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. Hang in there, it's not you, IT'S THEM!

 

These individuals are users, they take the most out of a situation and when there's nothing left to take, they leave.

 

Dreamers usually have the 'Fairy tale' complex, they want to live happily ever after no matter whom with. They don't value the partner-person, their only concern is their selfish ambitions.

They don't put the relationship first...and when the sh*t hits the fan, you won't see them anymore.

 

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? You're the judge.

 

Look for 'Borderline Personality Disorder' too. You might get a better perspective about this mental confusion you're having now.

 

Consider yourself lucky, really!

 

That was definitely the case with him. He would just take, take, take and over time he would simply just expect me to bend over backwards for him while he did nothing in return.

 

And yeah, he fits the description for BPD to a tee. Outlook depends on if the person is willing to accept help, so I guess he's screwed. Hah.

 

I know it was a bad situation all around. He would brag to his friends about our "plans" and I just knew something was off. Who knows how much longer the charade would have went on if I didn't get out when I did.

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I know how you feel, my gf and I made a lot of plan for the future when we started dating..I even considered proposing to her in 3/4 years after she finishes college and I have a proper

job thanks for my masters.

We were both really happy with the idea of those dreams but in someway I think I was the only one who was serious about them, right now thing have become a little complicated and we have both said a lot of things but I still love her even though she refuses to acknowledge my love

 

Am I crazy? Um never Mind I don't think this is the right thread for this...

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My ex was a total future faker. He always told me we would get married have the white picket fence, the happy kids,etc well needless to say that never happened! He left me for another woman and now he is supposedly future faking with her. Some people never change.....

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I can relate to this. After a couple of months together my ex said he loved me, wanted me to be the mother of his children, get married, all moved very fast (I was wary). Then when he couldnt see these dreams and plans happending EXACTLY how he wanted them, he started to back out and then broke it off.

 

Currently he seeing someone else after only splitting up for 4 months...he has been with her a few weeks, but still contacts me. Wonder what he is saying to her?

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I'm starting to wonder if my ex is a faker. She seems to have a pattern. She wants the guy she with to be in a rush with her. She talks about marriage and living together way too soon. Unfortunately, for her the relationship tend to go bad after 6 months. It kind of make me angry that she planned a future with her rebound and now probably doing the same thing with this new guy. I suppose it's not too bad the new r/s probably won't last like all the others until she get her self-esteem in check and stop being dependent on others for happiness.

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Emma hate to say this ( only because I have read so many articles and so many wonderful posters here) the reason why your ex contacts you first off he shouldn't be doing that especially if he has a new girl. Second the only reason and I mean the only reason the ex contacts you maybe a month from now maybe every few weeks,etc is for breadcrumbs or a ego stroke. An ex wouldn't be contacting an ex unless he wanted something like an ego stroke or to make himself good plain and simple. Anyways.....Don't worry what he is saying to her and try not to talk to him. He just trying to contact you simply because he wants a ego stroke. He isn't trying to be your friend or he isn't checking up to see how you are doing he is just doing this to please himself and make himself look good. I am only saying this because I have been there and read so many posts on breadcrumbs and ego strokes,etc I know when an ex contacts you out of the blue it is for his own benefit not yours.

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My ex was a TEXTBOOK future faker - loved me on the second or third date (I forget now, which is probably a good sign), introduced me to his parents on the third date (without my consent, btw - surprise!), talked non-stop about marriage, children (prior to meeting me, he never wanted children...supposedly), etc. In fact, a couple of weeks before I broke up with him he was saying how he imagined us buying a house together, blah blah - this was a THREE MONTH relationship! I needed to buy a new bed for my apt., and when I'd known him for 3 weeks, he said something like, "Well, that's the last bed you'll be buying on your own." Meanwhile, just before we broke up, I asked him if he loved me (I never took the early declarations seriously), and he gave me this speech about how I was his best friend and all he thought about and blah blah blah, and so, "If that's love, then I guess I love you." What a tool. First I'm the woman of your dreams (he even had me try on an engagement ring he still had from a previous gf, and told me, "I like the way that looks on you,") and now you "guess" you love me? Ugh. I am never falling for that sweep-her-off-her-feet bit again!

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Btw - about these future fakers...it is up to US to stop them in their tracks! I know that, for me, I did try to stop him for a little while (told him it didn't makes sense for him to "love" me because he didn't even know me; told him I didn't want to meet his parents yet - he sprung it on me anyways, etc), but, pretty quickly, I got caught up in the whirlwind of being wanted SO MUCH. I actually have domestic violence counselling training, and so I had no reason to not recognize these things as the early signs of an abuser, but, boy - I just wanted them to be TRUE, and I was willing to overlook so many other red flags just to keep the compliments coming. Never again.

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Yep u got it. Know the signals right away! If a guy is planning the wedding within three weeks something is definitely off and if a guy asks you for babies something is definitely off too. Get to know the person before rushing into anything with them. If they have done it to you they will probably do it to the next person and the next person and so on. These types of people aren't genuine they are self-centered and only care about making themselves look good and hey let's throw in getting married and having a kid that'll really stroke that ego.

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It does feel so good to be wanted to like that. We started talking in October (3 years ago). He came to visit for Thanksgiving after me seeing him just twice before since High School 20 years ago. We he came for the holidays he took me to meet his family and called me Mrs. (his last name) all cutesy when we were alone. I was still in the latter stages fo my divorce. It felt so good to be wanted like that. Good Lord was I stupid for not seeing that RED FLAG!

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baggagereclaim...sounds like some urban dictionary lingo.

 

i dunno. there's always a lot of talk about what other people DO to us. what other people put us through. the thing is...people don't do things to us without our consent (in mutual relationships that is). relationships aren't binding contracts. they revolve around free will. we either tolerate behavior...or we don't. a choice. no one's forcing us to tolerate it. sure, sometimes we're deceived...but that's a two way street. if you're susceptible to that deception, it's because you're choosing to see a situation the way you'd like to see it, not necessarily how it actually is. if you've got blinders on, if you're tolerating behavior, if you're making choices that perpetuate the continuation of a relationship, you're a part of it. a big part.

 

other people are incapable of making us feel things. we feel things based on our interpretations of other peoples' behavior. our interpretations. our interpretations. it's not them. it's us. it's always us.

 

personally, i think there is far too much focus on the actions of others. and it's unfortunate, because it tends to be a fruitless focus. sometimes it's beneficial to reflect on particular behavior so we can better identify it in the future, and possibly skip by when we come face to face with it again. but beyond that, the focus only keeps our attention away from what we should actually be focussing on...ourselves.

 

i don't mean to invalidate your feelings here. not my intention. apologies if it comes accross that way.

 

"think not of the faults of others, of what they have done or not done.

think rather of your own faults, of the things you have done or not done."

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I do understand that relationships are about free will and perhaps I was blinded throughout ours. I truly loved him and I was constantly fed lines to ensure he loved me too and was in it for the long run. I did tolerate negative behavior, such as his anger and betrayal towards me but I don't believe I am the first to do this.

 

So if you are urging me to look at my own faults...well perhaps my tolerance for such behavior can be viewed as one. But should I be blaming myself for the ending of it? It is a two way street, but I don't think I could have done much more to make things better. My way of making it better was to try to communicate my feelings and yeah, to stick by his side.

 

By me doing this I feel it sent messages that I was vulnerable. That no matter what he did I would be there and forgive him. It made it easy for him to continue on with the deception.

 

Would it be more beneficial for me to blame myself for staying as long as I did? Because this whole time, I was just focusing on the things he did to me, him ending it so coldly, the lies and the disrespect. I still can't comprehend why he stayed with me when his heart wasn't in it. He begged me to take him back, then willingly created this illusion of a future together. I can't help but feel my head is screwed up from it.

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I do understand that relationships are about free will and perhaps I was blinded throughout ours. I truly loved him and I was constantly fed lines to ensure he loved me too and was in it for the long run. I did tolerate negative behavior, such as his anger and betrayal towards me but I don't believe I am the first to do this.

 

please keep in mind...this is only my perspective...one opinion of many. in the end, you are the determining factor in how you choose to proceed with a given situation.

 

that bolded part is the bit that really jumps out at me. feelings of anger, betrayal...those things come up in relationships sometimes. it's our job to determine whether or not it's something we can deal with it. if we can work past it...if we can continue to tolerate the behavior which is inspiring those feelings in us...or if it's time to cut our losses and move on. of course you're not the first to do this. i think we all do it. there's a learning curve with relationships. most of us follow very similar patterns from relationship to relationship. where i was coming from is that we're often encouraged to find the fault in others. it's some sort of bizarre healing method. but does it make any sense? focus on the other person all you want, but when you get into a new relationship, that other person isn't going to be there. if the only things you've learned are what that other person was doing to you, have you gained any new skills to help you with the next relationship? that's a serious question. what do you think?

 

i'll reiterate. sometimes it's very beneficial to recognize a pattern in the people you are choosing to be with. you may end up with another such person...and it would be nice to pick up on the cues a bit sooner. but beyond a simple tool of recognition...maybe the focus shouldn't continue to be about others. does that make any sense?

 

So if you are urging me to look at my own faults...well perhaps my tolerance for such behavior can be viewed as one. But should I be blaming myself for the ending of it? It is a two way street, but I don't think I could have done much more to make things better. My way of making it better was to try to communicate my feelings and yeah, to stick by his side.

 

okay. maybe your tolerance of behavior that you've identified as 'negative' here would be beneficial to you. you're right. there may have been nothing you could've done. we're neither responsible for, nor capable of changing how people behave. how long you choose to work with that is a choice you make. how long do you continue with communication which isn't working before you decide it's enough? communication is great. and the fact that you're willing to relate to someone how you're feeling is also great. it won't always be received...or can't be received in the way you'd like (we don't all have these skills). sometimes you can't make it better. you can have all the skills you need...but if your chosen partner is lacking the skills to receive...it makes it next to impossible to have mutual communication. instead...there is frustration. anger. resentment. bitterness. there's no understanding. there's no clarity. there's a lot of assuming. and the relationship is toxic.

 

if you feel that blame needs to be assigned, it is up to you where to assign it. i believe there is an alternative. blame only seems to keep us stuck in a continuous loop of negative reinforcement. whether it's someone else we're blaming (in which case, we're often reaffirming how we were victimized in one way or another) or ourselves (in which case, we're stuck on self-defeating autopilot)...i don't think there's much positive to come from that long-term. sometimes there's a short-term boost...a temporary high that comes with being ''right''. but more often than not...blame is useless. it only keeps us stuck.

 

recognize. acknowledge. accept. move on. grow. we don't need blame for that. we don't need to step on someone else (whether it feels justified or not)...and we certainly don't need to step on ourselves. we learn. we adopt new skills. we gain new awareness about where we sometimes fall short. we identify where others are not receiving us as we'd like to be received. and we discover ways to work with that, or when to walk away.

 

recognize your pattern. acknowledge it. accept that others are not perfect...that they're generally reacting to their own patterns of existence in much the same ways you are. accept that things don't always turn out how you hope they will. let it go...without blame. maybe you can even let go with love (that's a tough one when we're hurting...but give it time). grow. it's not necessary to shut down.

 

By me doing this I feel it sent messages that I was vulnerable. That no matter what he did I would be there and forgive him. It made it easy for him to continue on with the deception.

 

that's good!! well...it's not 'good'...but it's great that you recognize that. don't you think? vulnerability is a good thing. it's such an important part of relating with people. the unfortunate side of it is that it leaves us open for hurt. some people will see your vulnerability as a weakness...and they will exploit it to their own ends. but there are also those who will embrace it...who will use it as a tool to get closer to you. so the trick seems to be to recognize the difference. see when it's being exploited. i don't think people do this consciously...to hurt others. they're looking out for themselves in the ways they know how. but you don't need to tolerate that on your end. as much as you may care for someone...is it necessary to stay for their benefit? you don't owe that to anyone. there are people out there with more evolved skills. people that will work WITH you.

 

trust your intuition.

 

Would it be more beneficial for me to blame myself for staying as long as I did? Because this whole time, I was just focusing on the things he did to me, him ending it so coldly, the lies and the disrespect. I still can't comprehend why he stayed with me when his heart wasn't in it. He begged me to take him back, then willingly created this illusion of a future together. I can't help but feel my head is screwed up from it.

 

what would blaming yourself accomplish?

 

it's up to you how to proceed. many people find 'success' in focussing on their partner's behavior. that's one method. and maybe that's what's right for you.

 

as for him...people do irrational things when they're hurting. it's all about survival at that point. and survival is a very primitive thing. do whatever it takes to survive. it's not a very selfless place to be in. other people don't always fit the agenda. he was doing what he needed to do to survive. and he used you as a part of that. it doesn't mean he's a bad person. he was probably acting out of desperation. anything to make that void of emptiness disappear.

 

i encourage anyone out there to relinquish the need to blame. it's not necessary. be curious about your experience. no, it doesn't feel good. but it's part of our experience. sometimes you just gotta let it happen. life has a funny way of giving us exactly what we need. if we miss the lesson, we usually end up repeating the patterns.

 

again...just my thoughts. hope you figure it all out.

 

just noticed your signature too. i could've written that instead of all this!

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focus on the other person all you want, but when you get into a new relationship, that other person isn't going to be there. if the only things you've learned are what that other person was doing to you, have you gained any new skills to help you with the next relationship? that's a serious question. what do you think?

 

I think the reason I was focusing on him is because he was the one who betrayed me. I'm not going to say that if he never did those things, our relationship would have been perfect. But even looking past it, he had anger problems and would take out a lot of his frustrations out on me. Was I a complete saint? Well, I wasn't always patient or understanding about some issues but other than that, from my perspective I can confidently say I was a good girlfriend. I often think I was too nice for him.

 

i'll reiterate. sometimes it's very beneficial to recognize a pattern in the people you are choosing to be with. you may end up with another such person...and it would be nice to pick up on the cues a bit sooner. but beyond a simple tool of recognition...maybe the focus shouldn't continue to be about others. does that make any sense?

 

 

I do agree that the focus should not be on others. Somehow it's all I have been doing lately. I don't want to look deep down inside of myself to figure out why I have dependency issues. I was willing to tolerate a lot with him because I didn't want to be without him. To me it was worth it just to have him in my life. I wish I had the courage to walk away many times. He was manipulative- I was dependent. I would let him take his anger out on me because I thought I deserved it.

 

 

 

if you feel that blame needs to be assigned, it is up to you where to assign it. i believe there is an alternative. blame only seems to keep us stuck in a continuous loop of negative reinforcement. whether it's someone else we're blaming (in which case, we're often reaffirming how we were victimized in one way or another) or ourselves (in which case, we're stuck on self-defeating autopilot)...i don't think there's much positive to come from that long-term. sometimes there's a short-term boost...a temporary high that comes with being ''right''. but more often than not...blame is useless. it only keeps us stuck.

 

recognize. acknowledge. accept. move on. grow. we don't need blame for that. we don't need to step on someone else (whether it feels justified or not)...and we certainly don't need to step on ourselves. we learn. we adopt new skills. we gain new awareness about where we sometimes fall short. we identify where others are not receiving us as we'd like to be received. and we discover ways to work with that, or when to walk away.

 

recognize your pattern. acknowledge it. accept that others are not perfect...that they're generally reacting to their own patterns of existence in much the same ways you are. accept that things don't always turn out how you hope they will. let it go...without blame. maybe you can even let go with love (that's a tough one when we're hurting...but give it time). grow. it's not necessary to shut down.

 

 

I feel that I'm just trying to escape these feelings any way I can, including rebound relationships where I'm not fully into the person. I want to just be on my own but I feel like having someone there is better. Emotionally i do feel as though I have shut down. I don't know how to pump life back into my blood. I am so stressed with school and work, and I just can't seem to forget about him. I do feel depressed most days and I don't know how to help myself. I just go through the motions of life.

 

 

what would blaming yourself accomplish?

 

 

Nothing. After a while I feel so hopeless because I'm trying to understand this, trying to find answers. Its just easier to throw my hands up in the air and say it was my fault.

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I do agree that the focus should not be on others. Somehow it's all I have been doing lately. I don't want to look deep down inside of myself to figure out why I have dependency issues. I was willing to tolerate a lot with him because I didn't want to be without him. To me it was worth it just to have him in my life.

 

such a conflicting feeling...isn't it? certainly makes sense though. on the one hand...you have companionship...intimacy (of a sort).. comfort...and love (also of a sort). on the other hand...you have things that leave you feeling empty...and alone. it would make sense that whichever instills the stronger feeling in you would be the course you'd follow.

 

and the inward searching is daunting...and scary. no wonder you'd rather not go there. i've heard it described as 'naked reality'. there's nowhere to hide. you can't escape by projecting your confusion and/or fears on to anyone or anything else. it's just you. i think it follows that there is a natural grieving period. you find your bearings first...and then you begin to TRULY heal. you'll get there. be gentle with yourself! it's important!

 

I wish I had the courage to walk away many times. He was manipulative- I was dependent. I would let him take his anger out on me because I thought I deserved it.

 

perhaps that's where your journey begins. when you're ready of course.

 

I feel that I'm just trying to escape these feelings any way I can, including rebound relationships where I'm not fully into the person. I want to just be on my own but I feel like having someone there is better. Emotionally i do feel as though I have shut down. I don't know how to pump life back into my blood. I am so stressed with school and work, and I just can't seem to forget about him. I do feel depressed most days and I don't know how to help myself. I just go through the motions of life.

 

Nothing. After a while I feel so hopeless because I'm trying to understand this, trying to find answers. Its just easier to throw my hands up in the air and say it was my fault.

 

i'm sorry you're feeling this way. and that's not sympathy. it's a lot deeper than that...because i know a bit of the feelings you're expressing here. life feels so mixed up...like there's nothing to hold on to...like the very ground beneath your feet isn't there. and it hurts...to the point of being numb with that. very draining. even the simplest things take a world of energy.

 

bit by bit. i think it starts with letting go of the anger. little bits at a time though. distractions are sometimes practical. most of us have to go to work at least...put on that brave face...and just get through the necessities of life. but sooner or later, you have to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. breakdown. be a wreck. let the pressure of your emotions OUT.

 

there always comes a point where holding on becomes more painful than letting go. and it doesn't matter if we've found the answers or not. something inside you will decide that it's had enough.

 

you'll come through this. you'll discover a capacity in yourself for resilience that will change you. all i can say is that it's worth it to have these experiences. forget about 'staying strong'...of 'figuring it all out'. no one ever figures it all out. just be there for it...whatever it is. if it hurts...let it hurt. ''when hot be thoroughly hot...when cold be thoroughly cold''. experiencing your pain lets it out. it's relief.

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