My husband has an emotional affair with his ex-gf, but unsure about it extent

[matahari]

Hello,

 

I am looking for advices to get a big picture of the situation.

Married for 15 years, we are a bi-cultural couple living in his country.

We both have heavy baggages from the past that we talked about.

We loved each other deeply, but our relation has always been a roller coaster, with mostly lows.

 

Five years ago, tensions and resentments were too much and I pushed to have my own space in our apartment, and moved into my own room.

For two years we lived under the same roof, but as roommates. We both have been dealing with bouts of depression that impacted our relationship. I needed distance to focus on myself.

 

Here is where his ex girlfriend enters the story. After two years of emotional separation, no sex or real intimacy, I learned from him that his ex-gf will be in town soon and will go for a walk together. I suddenly realized that I was very much still in love with him and that my marriage was in immediate danger, even tho we were still separated emotionally, we had several check-ins talks during this period which lead me to think that he was not seeing anyone, or her particularly and that he was giving himself time to figure out what to do about our marriage,I was saying the same thing, there were a status quo.

 

My jealousy awaken me, for the past two years i had been dealing with personal issues that interfered in many aspects of my life, as well my marriage and I graw from it, learned a lot about myself.

 

I do believe they are having an emotional affair for years, very sporadic, sometimes not contacting each other for months, may be years???

They dated for 3 years in their early twenties ( 22 years ago) , had a passionate affair, i don't know much more.

I know that he recontacted her 8 years ago, then no informations until three years ago when we got back together, my jealousy triggered, I seduced him again when i heard from him they were in contact, at that time she was not living in our city, she does now.

From informations that i found (a letter from her dated from three years ago ) she said to be frustrated as she thought he was gonna abandon his unhappy marriage for her), the letter doesn't give enough details to find out if they were actively involved, wether emotionally only or also physically? if it was only a fantasy from her mind ? They are still in contact , i don't know much of which extent...at least through texts.

 

fast forward to present time, our couple has been through more than a year, a sexual revival, that has help us to reconnect on an intimate level that we had lost for year. At the same time, I was also dealing with many others things in my life, sick parents, distressed sibling, personal issues, dealing with work and going back to school, parenting, and personal health issues, just to say i had a lot on my mind.

 

My husband often complained that I had no time for him, that he felt push away, unable to express his feelings without me misunderstanding them...so I made a real effort at understanding him, and realize I had a huge part to it. He is a sensitive man, passionate, who needs deep connection with his soul mate. My behavior toward him all those years, focused on myself, depressed, not paying attention to his needs, laid us to our separation five years ago. We have both been working deeply for years on our relationship, on our own. We have an extraordinary sexual attraction, but i am still very much anxious, overly aware that I need to be careful not to let my guard down, to be here for my man, because this other woman seems to be ready at anytime to have him back.

 

I have seen a few texts exchanges they had over the last year, nothing to prove they have a real affair, but a lot of ambiguity. The ex-gf stated a month ago in a text that she was confused about wether they were gonna have sex or be together again..... is she talking about their relation 22 years ago or a closest one, like 5 years ago or even still on going ? is she fantasizing in her head ?

My husband texted her four months a picture of a naked woman, not too explicit, but asking if she has a twin ? so flirty...

 

I found out three days ago about those new infos, that they were still in contact and that she is still in love with him. She also now is back living in our city.

I don't want to spy on him, i did it one time and i feel bad, but i am the type of person who needs to know whats going on, so i can analyse and rationalise it, thats what i am trying to do now. Internally, i am very jealous and obsessed with her, it is consuming me. I will not confront my husband, but i need to know the extend of their relation, so i can decide how to act.

 

I love him very much, and I am willing to keep working on me and our relation, to be there for him, emotionally. In another text from months ago he told her that the she was the person he had the best conversation with... Something tells me he can talk to her in a way he can`t with me, I am trying to understand my part into it. I now worry that every time my husband will feel a bit left out, for whatever reason he will continue to reach out to her, it hurts as i don't think i can be available the way he needs all the time.

[Hollyj]

It seems like you have only been willing to work on this, since you found out about her. He is cheating on you.

 

How are you dealing with your depression? Have you sought a therapist or gotten on meds? Have you sought couples counseling?

 

The relationship sounds very unhealthy. It should have been over, long ago! You do not work together.

[Gb83]

This sounds identical to what a married man whom I was involved with told me about his prior GF and emotionally cheating w her. Why would you even be trying to stay with him? You are both best with others.

[matahari]

yes it sounds unhealthy, and it is, but something still keep us together, besides all the opportunities we had to separate. I believe he truly loves me, otherwise he would already have left me, well thats what i want to believe at least, which I know is just my interpretation not necessary the truth.

I have work on my mental health for many years now and feel much more at was with myself , therefore with him. We talked a couple of times in the past to go see a counselor but never follow through. I appreciate your feedback, not easy to read but i am here to hear other perspectives, you gave me food for thoughts for sure.

[Hollyj]

You are attracted to the sick dynamic, out of habit.

 

Many people stay in miserable relationships, and it has nothing to do with love. If he loved you, he would not be cheating on you.

 

I will ask again, have you seen a therapist or gotten on meds?

[matahari]

i love him deeply, and aware that most of our issues come from my anxiety, my depression for years, difficulty to adapt to a new culture, new country, feeling lonely... we are both broken people and both know about each other, even tho we have a dysfunctional relationship, we do have a deep intellectual and sexual connection when I am feeling good, which happen quite often. We both are not the type to give up easily, but i understand your perspective, we both wanted to give up but somehow at the last minute something always stopped us, i guess its love. but his ex-gf is adding tremendous challenge now, maybe he will always needs his connection wither her, if it stays only emotional, i might be able to accept it.

[Hollyj]

I will ask you a third time, have you sought therapy and are you on meds?

 

An emotional affair is worse. Just end this. It is toxic.

 

You are so scared of being alone, that you hang on to this loveless, unhealthy relationship. Your husband is cheating on and lying to you. It sounds like his love is for the ex gf.

[matahari]

i have no need for meds, and have sought therapy in the past, which is why i am feeling much better at knowing myself and being more aware of my behavior and correct it if needed. Thanks for your feedbacks, but i am not in the state of mind of ending it. depression is something i have to watch for, but its in no way stopping me from being functional and to now be in a place where i can take a step back to think things through, i could not to do that years ago.

[Hollyj]

What you are doing is clearly not working- from what you have explained in your post. If you were serious about dealing with your depression, then you would seek a therapist and also look into medication.

 

I am not trying to be cruel, but you are not dealing with your illness, and you are staying in a relationship that is terrible for your mental health.

 

Why did you come to the forum? What were you expecting to hear?

[matahari]

i am not sure frankly what I was expecting, insights?? but you asked a pertinent question, its like a slap in the face, but I have learned that to really grow I have to accept, face it and learn from it . I know I could do a better job at dealing with my intern turmoil, but i have also to be more compassionate with myself, as I had tendencies to be overly critic with myself in the past, that was very toxic, now i am accepting my flaws a bit more, don't dwell on the past as much, one day at a time!

I am driven, we have lately experienced glimpses of how amazing we can feel together, i know we can be the couple we always were meant to be, I cant give up now.

[Hollyj]

Get some professional help.

 

Your marriage is in a serious state, as there is a third person involved. For your marriage to survive, you need individual counseling, couples counseling, and he has to be done with her. For good. Do not delude yourself to think that he can have an emotional affair- they are much worse than physical because it involves feelings. I am also thinking that he is in love with this woman and it will soon lead to sex. You need to put your foot down and get some help and get her out of the picture. Now!

[matahari]

A male friend shared his perspective when i told him about it, and think that my husband, feeling left out for so long, keep contacted her to reassured himself when our relation is shaky, it doesn't mean he loves her or want to have a sexual affair. She is his crutch when his soul and emotional needs unmet for too long. I have to be here emotionally for him, be connected intimately to help him getting the ex-gf out of his live. what do you think ?

[Hollyj]

I will repeat: you need a therapist, couples counseling, and she needs to go, now. I don't understand why you allow this.

[Hollyj]

Your husband should not be reaching out to anyone else for his emotional needs. This is who he feels closest to. I think that it is sad that you do not understand how bad this is.

 

Sadly, it does not seem that you are willing to do what is necessary, you will simply continue down the same path thinking you can heal yourself and your marriage. Your marriage is royally screwed-up!

[Gary Snyder]

Well you two have some issues, I'd recommend counseling.

 

Also, he has to cut the ex out of his life - he's cheating or it looks like cheating, and both are about the same impact.

[LC8328]

OP it seems like you are ready to hold yourself accountable and are considering your husband's perspective.

 

But now I have to ask you, what has he done for you? I ask because most of what I read in your post was about what he wanted and his complaints. Throughout everything you had gone through, has he once shown his support? I know it isn't easy to illustrate your entire situation in just one post, so just thought I'd ask. The reason for this is, a shaky marriage can work once again, but both people have to be committed. And if he's not being considerate of you, and emotionally relying on/ flirting with his ex, then he is not committed.

[abitbroken]

A male friend shared his perspective when i told him about it, and think that my husband, feeling left out for so long, keep contacted her to reassured himself when our relation is shaky, it doesn't mean he loves her or want to have a sexual affair. She is his crutch when his soul and emotional needs unmet for too long. I have to be here emotionally for him, be connected intimately to help him getting the ex-gf out of his live. what do you think ?

 

Talking to a male friend about emotional issues makes you no better than him

[matahari]

@lc8328 thank you for asking the question, i relapsed my message didn't talked about all the efforts he has been doing for years, I am trying hard to not beat myself up because it will achieve noting, but yeah he has been supporting in some many ways, and reading our messages for the past year, i could feel his calls for attention, connection, intimacy and i am the one who pushed him away being overwhelmed by my life in general and the difficulty to get out of my head. Therapy helped me ears ago, i think it might be time to go back to finish the work, as i feel its the first time really since we have had our lack of connection and intimacy issues that I really comprehend fully how much i hurted him. He is a wonderful man, i am done hurting him, i need to keep my head out the sand and show him how much he matters for me.

 

I have read letters, messages that his ex-gf send him, and you can feel they both have a similar sensitivity, they share an emotional connection that i am very jealous of now.

I believe that if he is still with me after everything we went through and the fact that he has maintained contact with an ex-gf who is after him, it means something. in tests we have exchanged, he said that he loves me, that he is not the kind of guy to give up easily, but he had also says that he was done doing the same thing over and over, tired and frustrated to feel push out by me, feeling like he doesn't matter.

Re-reading all of our exchanges for the past year was eye opening, about all the efforts he put in to get my attention, i feel so bad about it. I already forgave him if he actually had an affair with her, i suspect more and more they had at some point, maybe a couple years ago, i am not sure of it, maybe nothing happened.

I cant confront him because i don't want him to know i spied on him, i am not proud of it at all, but i needed to know, and now i feel that i open a door that i have a hard time to close.

[matahari]

@abitbroken i do believe in male/female friendship, and makes the difference between emotional relation with a male and a friendship with a male. thats not what it is. What is going on between my husband and his ex-gf is very different. But i understand that not everybody agree to the concept of male/female friendship. I do, may be is is a cultural, I am not american. Thanks for your feedback.

[matahari]

@gary snyder yeah i think it would beneficial for me to work deeper on myself to analyse whats going on inside me, what to do with all these feelings, i really feel i finally understand what he went through, how supportive he has been despite my cold behavior toward him. I cant blame him if he has reached out to her, i was not here for him.