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Should I apologize?


AubreyN

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I have been seeing this guy. He is an alcoholic, he doesn't deny it. I am 100% sober. I swear 80% of our almost 3 month relationship has been us arguing because he thinks he doesn't need professional help.

Longest story short... I have been going through other stuff the past week or so so I kept saying I can't deal with you, all this other crap is going on. Still, he asked for my help cleaning his dump of a house because he tells me his landlord is coming over in a few days. About a month ago I cleaned his livingroom... Took out 30 bags of pure garbage. I made the deal with him if he cleaned the bathroom and kitchen I'd help him with his bedroom. But I get there to help him and in a month he has done nothing and the living room was piling back up with garbage. I was furious. I start trying to make a path to the kitchen because I had brought some groceries. I thought him knowing I said I would bring groceries for dinner start cleaning the kitchen might mean to clean something. It obviously didn't. I started cleaning the stove and got to the point where I could actually cook. So I started asking, where is a pan, can you tell me where a pan is... No answers. I finally say screw it and start packing the food away and say I'm going home. He starts telling me not to leave and blah blah excuses. I go out to the couch where I thought I left my phone. It wasn't there... I'm looking and looking. Can't find it. I go back to packing up my other things and I'm yelling at him the whole time to help me find it because I want to leave. He does nothing. I'm outside trying to breathe. I go back in and keep looking... It's been almost an hour by then. I'm beside him and he bends over to the floor for a beer can and I see my phone in his hoodie pouch. I grab it. I stop on the porch to call the fire department about the house. Because theres no way he could clean it in two days and something needs to happen. Condemn the place! He comes out and grabs my phone from my hand and refuses to give it back. I warn him, you know for the past two days I've wanted to kill my cousin, I will just kill you instead if you don't give me my phone. He says no. So I put my hands around his neck for less than five seconds because he jumped from the chair and I fell off him. Anyway, he still has my phone at that point. Eventually after his mom, whom I never met comes over and talks to me I get my phone back and leave. He comes after me as I'm walking down the street and tries to get me to come back because he says his mom wants to give me a ride. I refuse and keep walking to the bus. The next day he is texting me saying he can't breathe and his neck hurts and hes going to have me arrested. I decide that since I haven't been in a couple years, I should go to anger management. I go and he is still texting me about why would you do this to me and he's dying... I tell him unlike him I know when I need professional help and where to find it. I went to anger management so please leave me alone. I went again today. He is still texting me why did I do this and that and I guess "because you pushed me too far" isn't a good enough reply. But now that its been a couple days I still don't want anything to do with him, but, should I apologize? He hasn't apologized for hiding and taking my phone.

Any advice is appreciated.

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Wow. All of this madness in only 3 MONTHS? There are no words for this other than you two are toxic and dysfunctional together. An extremely bad match and the sooner you two part ways, the better. You both need help for your individual issues. Right now apologies doesn't matter anymore. Apologise if you feel you want to, but it is best you end this toxic relationship and head for the hills never to look back.

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Why are you seeing someone that is as messed up as he is? I get that you want to be nice and help him but you can't help him if he doesn't want help. And clearly he doesn't. Not only does he drink, he sounds like he has a hoarding problem as well.

 

It's good that you are seeing a therapist and going to anger management... yes you do need to apologize for being abusive, physically and emotionally, and then you need to step back and focus on fixing yourself. You mention being sober, are you a recovering person? If so, you know there are tools available to you through those channels to deal with your behaviors and feelings around this.

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No. I'm sober as in I've always been sober. I don't drink or do drugs.

I've always been in and out of counseling though for having messed up childhood trauma. That's why when he was bugging me before I went over there I was trying not to go over there, because I knew it would be too much with some other stuff I have been going through recently. But I went anyways. And then after I got home and calmed down I knew I could and did go to the anger management groups. One of the things that was said was if you are truly sorry and know you were acting irrational you should apologize. But I don't know because yes, that is a good thing to do but I don't want him thinking I am available.

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First off, good for you for seeking anger management! Not an easy thing to admit (to yourself let alone anyone else) and seek help for.

 

Secondly, if you want to apologize (which, given what you posted about his behavior, I don't think is necessary), do it in a text. Short and to the point, then block and delete.

 

You're not (or should not be) apologizing hoping for a response, or for him to 'forgive' you, you're apologizing for yourself, to free up your conscience so you can focus on managing your anger and generally becoming a better and wiser human being who, going forward, will hopefully make better choices for herself.

 

Wish you the best on this new path and journey!

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Alcoholics make the absolute worst partners. He has major issues and so do you. You should delete and block him from your phone, keep on with your anger management help, and move on with your life. He sounds like a major drama queen on top of it all. You two are toxic to yourselves and each other. At least you see you have a problem, now do what it takes to get past it.

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Do not contact him again. He has problems you cannot begin to solve, and you can't Mommy him into fixing anything.

 

Instead, apologize to yourself for having no standards and letting a man like this into your life. You deserve a lot more than this, and you would be wise to really start working on your own problems so you don't continue to stay in dysfunctional situations.

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Why would anyone who's sober want to associate with an alcoholic> It makes no sense. Are you trying to cure him or nurse him back to health? Get away from him. You're enabling him. He has to hit rock bottom before he will do anything to fix himself. You need to get out of the way and move on.

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Why would anyone who's sober want to associate with an alcoholic> It makes no sense. Are you trying to cure him or nurse him back to health? Get away from him. You're enabling him. He has to hit rock bottom before he will do anything to fix himself. You need to get out of the way and move on.

 

I was trying to help him. He kept saying he knows he has a drinking problem, that he's an alcoholic... So I kept asking, when are you going to get help? Here is a list of different options for help... Pick one! But he'd back out or say he could just stop whenever he wanted to so give him three days... Give him a week. Blah, blah, blah!

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Aubrey, there may come a time to apologize, but I don't think the time is now. He needs more help than you can give and, perhaps, his mother and landlord can see to it.

 

Alcoholics don't always need to "hit bottom" in order to get help, but it sounds to me this guy does.

 

This is what I know about alcoholics:

 

- They don't drink because of anything others do; they drink because they're alcoholics. They need no reason, but will use any they can think of;

 

- They can't hear properly when they're drinking, so don't try to talk sense to them. You'll just make yourself crazy;

 

- They can be completely kind and lovable, but they can't love others when they're actively drinking. They only love alcohol;

 

- You can't save anyone from alcohol or drugs. They have to save themselves.

 

And that is my advice - save yourself.

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Sorry to hear this happened. Why sign up for this? Reflect on "fixing" tendencies. You're right, he needs professional help. Detox, rehab, cleaning services, etc.

 

Why get upset that he continues to drink, live in squalor, acts abusively, confiscates your phone, etc. Or behave like someone's maid/mother then get angry at him/yourself? Glad you are getting help. Completely delete and block him from your life.

-80% of our almost 3 month relationship has been us arguing because he thinks he doesn't need professional help.

-I cleaned his livingroom... Took out 30 bags of pure garbage.

-I had brought some groceries.

-I started cleaning the stove and got to the point where I could actually cook.

-I stop on the porch to call the fire department about the house.

-He comes out and grabs my phone from my hand and refuses to give it back

-I decide that since I haven't been in a couple years, I should go to anger management.

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As a sober alcoholic yourself you should know firsthand that you can't lead another alcoholic to get sober.

 

They have to want to and do the work themselves. You can support their efforts, but from what you just shared, there was less than zero effort on his part.

 

What I just read was a hot mess of codependency on your end.

 

If you attend AA or continue anger management address your need to save others and then get mad when they block you from helping.

 

Your intentions were good in some ways but misguided.

 

You can't help people who have no motivation to help themselves

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I was trying to help him. He kept saying he knows he has a drinking problem, that he's an alcoholic... So I kept asking, when are you going to get help? Here is a list of different options for help... Pick one! But he'd back out or say he could just stop whenever he wanted to so give him three days... Give him a week. Blah, blah, blah!

 

Unless and until he hits bottom and decides to go to AA he isnt going to change. No amount of cajoling from you is going to get you anywhere. Alcoholics have messed up brains from all the booze, he cant think straight. He cant just stop drinking without help. You need to let this go, get yourself sorted out and find a guy who isnt a drunk.

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- They can't hear properly when they're drinking, so don't try to talk sense to them. You'll just make yourself crazy;

/QUOTE]

 

Thank you! I don't think he really can hear well because of drinking. Otherwise he would have cleaned his kitchen when I said I'm bringing food to make dinner, clean the kitchen. He would have found me a pan when I asked. Instead of taking my phone and hiding it, he would have handed it over and let me go home. The only time he remotely cares what I say is when I tell him I'm leaving and he tries to stop me. He begs for me to stay or tries to prevent or delay me from leaving but I always leave when we fight. The thing is I always went back to try and help him later. Because he does need help.

Here's the thing, since you pointed out he probably won't be listening anyway, who the hell cares if I apologize? It will most likely lead to him thinking he is in the right and he isn't.

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