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Dating single dad, why is he pulling away??


BeenBurned

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So this is my first post and I need help! My bf and I have only been dating for about a month. Im 28 with no kids, he’s 31 with primary custody of two younger children. Things had been great, met the kids, and over this last weekend he told me he see’s this turning into a long term serious thing. But this last week I’ve barely heard from him! He went from texting constantly to almost nothing. I work nights and have busy work schedule and am only off two days this week, tuesday I asked if he wanted to try to get together wed or thur and he said we would make something work. Wed rolls around and the only text I got from him was good morning. No mention of getting together. I wanted to give him space since he has already communicated less so i texted once asking if he still wanted to see eachother thur and then once more to say goodnight. What makes it more confusing is his good morning text was really sweet. This is all less than a week after he told me he’s fallen really hard for me and see’s a future. What gives?? I know it may all sound silly but I’ve been hurt alot before and it’s so early in our relationship the insecurity is still there. Just seems like he’s done a 180.

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Too much too soon. You should NEVER meet someone' kids after only one month.

He probably realized this was moving too fast or he is quite simply slammed at work.

I would not keep testing him.

I would continue to meet new men for coffee dates so you are not so fixated on him.

If he calls, he calls. Don't chase.

and above all,don't see the kids again until you have dated over a year or more.

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We’re not casually dating, we’re in a relationship so meeting other guys is a no go for me

 

you may not be dating anyone else, but you are not in a committed relationship in 4 weeks. Slow your roll.

This guy has poor boundaries if he tells you this will be long term and serious and you already met his kids.

Warning. Warning. A dad with good boundaries gets to know someone for longer than 4 weeks before meeting the kids or making promising because he has more than his own heart to protect.

 

If a guy has issues finding a baby sitter, but wants to go out, he will be upfront about that.

 

Slooow down.

 

 

I stand by what i say - you are not committed to him. If he doesn't solidify a date , then go out for coffee with other men, too.

 

Do not wait for him. If something comes of it and he asks you out again in a week or two, go from there.

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My suggestion is make your own rules as you've continued to do. You've already met the kids so make the most of it. Everyone has their own dos and don'ts when it comes to dating with kids or dating separated(not divorced) partners. This brings me to the question whether he's completely divorced and single as in single marital status or single/separated. I dated a man that was previously separated so no bias here. He's now my husband. I also have a son from a previous relationship. I introduced them to each other within six months. If you ask me, I think that he's spending time with his kids and working out whether you're a good match. What his kids think of you matters to him so he's probably taking a breather and time to think. Be patient and see where this goes in the next week. If you feel like you're in over your head and this isn't a good set up for you, be honest with him and be free to date others.

 

You've already recognized you're insecure from previous relationships or dates so take a deep breath and let that go. Don't use it as a scapegoat either. Let your past go.

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Nobody has a crystal ball to see if this will work or not. You have to take a wait and see, day by day attitude. And actions speak louder than words. Don't make any more effort than he does, and if he doesn't make enough effort in your opinion, given a reasonable time, you move on. The first 3 or 4 months are the honeymoon period and nowhere near reality. The person starts showing his real self after all the crazy hormones of a new relationship wears off, which is why you never make major decisions until knowing someone at least a year.

 

Of course things can fizzle at any time. You never know what goes on in another's head. You just survey the situation and decide if you should stay or walk away, and having a healthy self esteem will help you make the right choice.

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It's not uncommon for a man, after he takes a step closer (as he did when he said he was falling hard for you and sees a future) to immediately take two steps back. -- John Gray

 

This has happened with virtually every serious bf I've had. Including my current.

 

Do not freak out! Let him be. Pull back yourself, just do your thing. Be happy when he contacts you, do not make an issue over it.

 

If you can do that, he will be back to his old self soon enough.

 

He's just nervous, he's starting to get serious and he's freaking out a bit. That's all, no big deal, learn to understand it.

 

Things have been moving really fast!

 

When he's back to his old self, dial it back. Slow down.

 

I know others may disagree but like I said, it's happened to me in nearly every long term relationship I've had.

 

Read John Gray!!

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I know this all sounds silly, but I’ve been hurt a lot before.

 

Doesn’t sound silly at all, in fact as head first as you appear to be when it comes to relationship ,

I can’t say I’m surprised you’ve been hurt a lot.

 

Unfortunately you’re choosing to date with high risk, it is your prerogative. I’m not going to give you rules or whatever, do I think 4 weeks is a bit too soon to be meeting children yes, but how two people choose to run their relationship is their business, BUT with that being said you don’t get to pretend this is something that it isn’t. This is not a years long connection, it’s a 4 week relationship, again so be it, you’re choosing to attach serious emotions to a 4 week situation, YOUR CHOICE, no judgement, you have to own it though the good and the bad which includes a shaky foundation.

 

Will it all work out, probably, but recognize the choice you are making, own them, you could date in a more cautious way, you could take your time you’re choosing not to so you have to accept the risks you choose to make.

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Far too much, far too soon.

 

Rushing into a relationship is almost never a good sign and it creates unrealistic expectations too early on. You two barely even know each other as a couple, OP.

 

A man who is a solid relationship candidate generally doesn't make decisions that include introducing his brand-spanking-new girlfriend to his children. That says a lot more than you appear to realize yet.

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You have been “dating” him for 30 days, haven’t seen him for what the past 4 or 5 days of those 30?

So within 3 weeks he introduces you to his kids?

Do you think that’s good parenting skills on his part?

Someone said relax he might be busy with his kids , however he clearly doesn’t let his kids get in the way of his dating and mingles the two , so that excuse can be brushed aside.

 

His kids should be his first priority, but then he introduces them to someone he barely knows and then proceeds to tell that person he barely knows (you) that he has fallen hard.

 

Do you actually know if he has primary custody of his kids ?

Or is that what he says to gain women’s attention?

 

All sounds a bit dubious to me.

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How long ago did he split from his partner/their mother. It sounds like he's on the rebound. This is way too much too soon. A classic mistake made by people who want to prove to themselves they have "moved on".

 

Are you exclusive? Keep in mind 4 weeks in, many people are still meeting/dating others. You need to pull way back and pace yourself. "Sees this turning to long term" is not the exclusive discussion and sounds like a line to get you into bed.

dating for about a month.

he see’s this turning into a long term serious thing.

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Rose Mosse He’s been divorced for over three years and hasn’t dated much.

 

I agree with Rose - if he's pulling away a little, go with that. Mirror his behavior. I'm not saying run away or ignore him, just thin out the communication a bit, let him think about it.

 

If he asks you why, tell him you sensed he needed some time with the kids, and not to rush things or push him, and whatever else you want to say to him about going forward in accordance with your needs.

 

It never ceases to not surprise anyone that a bit of open communication tends to negate a lot of perceived crises.

 

And, if it is that he is not interested anymore, better that you sort that out now and move on.

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I'm also going to say that 4 weeks is too soon, whether it's meeting his kids or professing long-term ideas...it just seems too much, too soon, and as stated, those that tend to start of hot, tend to cool down just as fast. My only thought is to just coast for awhile. It's going to be a few more months before the relationship gets "real" and the honeymoon phase wears off. If you are both in the same place after three months, go another three months. I would stay away from grandiose ideas of marriage. You decide whether this relationship works for you. If he goes silent often, if he's too busy, etc., you get to choose whether this is going to work for you and for how long you'll stick around waiting for it to get better. Communication, of course, should not be brushed aside. You do have to talk about what each other wants and needs. I would want to avoid too many "family dates" at first, as it is too soon for the kids to be around and attach to you.

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This relationship is moving a little fast - him talking about long term already, and introducing you to the kids, and you calling him your boyfriend already. Red flag.

 

Anyway, you just saw him this weekend. If he's got kids, he's busy. Give him a week or two to make the next date. Let's see what happens.

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We can make guesses all day long but it's not going to help your situation. You need to have a conversation with him. You need to communicate to him, that you don't play games, and he needs to be honest with you. You have certain expectations, and if he can't fulfill them, then you would like to move on...simple as that.

Since you say he has dated very little over the last 3 years, that should tell you he has commitment issues and you are seeing it first hand. Things moving too fast for him? then you two are not on the same page and never will be. You have better things to do than be "waiting" for some guy to make up his mind.

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