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Urgent help needed, he thinks I lied, when I didn’t!


Lilly26

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Hi everyone,

 

So back to the same sequel of me and the man I’m falling in love with. It’s been 5.5 months now but due to our heavy work traveling and miscellaneous events we have seen each other on an average of every 6 days but we are in contact msging on almost every day we are apart. Just a recap, we met on tinder and immediately we clicked. He is my first online date that I have actually gotten intimate with and he turns out to be my ideal man. I’m in my 30’s and he is in his forties both professional executives.

 

So here it is I recently changed my profile picture on my mobile and it is also a picture I used to have on my tinder profile. He immediately recognized! Then he comes about asking me if I’m still on there and I replied no which is the honest truth. In fact I haven’t been since the 1st month we were together.

 

He then says no you are as my friends have seen you and sent him screenshots. I told him the truth which is I’m not but one day a friend of mine came over and since she doesn’t have the app she asked me to download so she searches to see if this specific guy she was looking for in my vicinity was on there. Now this must have been the time my luck one of his friends have spotted me!! Stupid me!

 

So he goes about repeated telling me baby it’s ok if you are on there but don’t lie to me, he also told me he really doesn’t believe me.

 

Honest to god I’m not lying but I didn’t wanna sound so defensive so I just said I’m not lying and that you are the only one I’m seeing and I’m not on tinder anymore. I mean, he is on one of those work trips and I prefer not to have this talk over msgs.

 

We had a wonderful time together the last time we saw each other 5 days ago and I had arranged a very thoughtful bday for him and I, we had I’d say one of of best dates so far.

 

I’m just sad to hear he doesn’t believe me and there is not much I can say moreover I am so scared that I have hurt him and he will stop wanting to be together. I know I’m a great catch so is he but yet again I’m so anxious. Pls let me have your inputs.

 

Thank you so much

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OK. So when I was on online sites and met my future husband, I suspended my membership and made my profile invisible and assumed that was enough. I logged on for friends who asked me to check out certain men for them, etc. I told my boyfriend, now husband, that I did this. Not because he didn't trust me but in case one of his friends saw me on line. He was fine with it. He also had an online profile (but it's not how we met) and hadn't been active in forever but would still get "your matches" emails. He and his friend had fun poking fun at who they each got matched with -after awhile I told him it made me uncomfortable since it kind of meant others might see him active on the site so he stopped, no worries.

 

On my site, I could no longer view messages although saw that they existed. I also saw that some had viewed my profile which was odd to me. It was months before I realized that despite what I'd done I was still visible, I think, to anyone who had viewed me before I suspended. I think maybe a friend told me I came up in a search -no memory. So I called and had them completely wipe out my profile. Point is, I had no idea, and point is my boyfriend trusted me so had it been an issue -had one of his friends said something - he would have known it was a glitch, not me advertising myself as single.

 

Here's the mistake I think you made. I think you needed to tell him that you might log on to help a friend but that you weren't active. I can see a new boyfriend being suspicious of you saying you weren't active and yet technically you're appearing as active to his friends. Tell him you made a mistake in that yes you accessed the app and you can see where it could be confusing. You accessed it fora friend only and you are not active on Tinder or any dating site. Hopefully that will take care of it.

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Does he believe you now?

 

You did nothing wrong.

 

I don't think she did anything wrong other than not letting him know why she was still accessing Tinder if she'd promised not to - in my experience when couples discuss deactivating or taking down profiles you kind of want to let your partner know if you access it for another reason to avoid this kind of situation.

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I don't think she did anything wrong other than not letting him know why she was still accessing Tinder if she'd promised not to - in my experience when couples discuss deactivating or taking down profiles you kind of want to let your partner know if you access it for another reason to avoid this kind of situation.

 

I think that that is a good idea.

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I'm wondering if had an exclusivity conversation with him.

I'm also wondering when is the last time he was on the site? Did you ask him? He said he doesn't mind if you've been on... that would a concern. Why doesn't he mind?

If you've had an exclusivity talk then why don't you both delete your profiles? If you haven't had the talk then you should have it and decide together to remove your profiles. If he doesn't want to do that, then that would a concern.

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Yes I totally agree with you. It’s scary when he repeatedly did it’s ok.... we haven’t had the exclusivity talk but it’s kinda under the assumption that we are from spending all weekends together running chores etc... I didn’t wanna ask him about his situation at that point cuz I thought it’s gonna seem like I’m turning the tables.

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I'm wondering if had an exclusivity conversation with him.

I'm also wondering when is the last time he was on the site? Did you ask him? He said he doesn't mind if you've been on... that would a concern. Why doesn't he mind?

If you've had an exclusivity talk then why don't you both delete your profiles? If you haven't had the talk then you should have it and decide together to remove your profiles. If he doesn't want to do that, then that would a concern.

 

Yes I totally agree with you. It’s scary when he repeatedly did it’s ok.... we haven’t had the exclusivity talk but it’s kinda under the assumption that we are from spending all weekends together running chores etc... I didn’t wanna ask him about his situation at that point cuz I thought it’s gonna seem like I’m turning the tables

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I'm wondering if had an exclusivity conversation with him.

I'm also wondering when is the last time he was on the site? Did you ask him? He said he doesn't mind if you've been on... that would a concern. Why doesn't he mind?

If you've had an exclusivity talk then why don't you both delete your profiles? If you haven't had the talk then you should have it and decide together to remove your profiles. If he doesn't want to do that, then that would a concern.

 

I think sitting him down and showing your profile is deactivated may help.

 

Otherwise this relationship will only work if he trusts you, so a sit down conversation should be had. Don't hide this away or it will creep up later.

 

Yes this is what I plan on doing. My app is deleted but he said no baby, I’ve seen it on your phone several times. That hurt cuz I really have deleted. I went they my entire phone thou I did see an app that has similar logo... goodness am I just unlucky or what. I plan on showing him so maybe he mistakenly thought it’s the tinder icon. I love him soo much

Link to comment
I'm wondering if had an exclusivity conversation with him.

I'm also wondering when is the last time he was on the site? Did you ask him? He said he doesn't mind if you've been on... that would a concern. Why doesn't he mind?

If you've had an exclusivity talk then why don't you both delete your profiles? If you haven't had the talk then you should have it and decide together to remove your profiles. If he doesn't want to do that, then that would a concern.

 

I think sitting him down and showing your profile is deactivated may help.

 

Otherwise this relationship will only work if he trusts you, so a sit down conversation should be had. Don't hide this away or it will creep up later.

 

I don't think she did anything wrong other than not letting him know why she was still accessing Tinder if she'd promised not to - in my experience when couples discuss deactivating or taking down profiles you kind of want to let your partner know if you access it for another reason to avoid this kind of situation.

 

We never spoke about tinder not even once. There were times I wanted to bring it up but I was thinking to myself1- I don’t wanna be the one to tell him delete your app 2- I didn’t wanna say I’ve deleted mine so it looks like oh now Ure my boyfriend.

3- I logged in say 1 month into our relationship and no longer saw him as a match so I thought either he has unmatched me or he has deleted his account.

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I think that you need to talk in person with him. I think the issue is more than tinder. Maybe at this point is time to "define the relationship". It's important to know where you two stand and if your expectations match or not.

You should also explain the whole friend thing and if necessary show him that you deleted the app. I also find it a bit weird that he's all "it's ok if you have it" but doesn't let go of the subject. That's why it's even more important that you two talk about the relationship and define exclusivity or not so that you access if you're both on the same page.

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I think that you need to talk in person with him. I think the issue is more than tinder. Maybe at this point is time to "define the relationship". It's important to know where you two stand and if your expectations match or not.

You should also explain the whole friend thing and if necessary show him that you deleted the app. I also find it a bit weird that he's all "it's ok if you have it" but doesn't let go of the subject. That's why it's even more important that you two talk about the relationship and define exclusivity or not so that you access if you're both on the same page.

 

Very smart points.

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Very smart points.
yes but I’m not sure how to talk about it. I want to first make sure I’m in a confident state of mind about this topic I’m working on myself to mentally be prepared so I avoid looking needy rather like a confident sexy lady (that I am) hehe but sweet at the same time. I hope all goes well.
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yes but I’m not sure how to talk about it. I want to first make sure I’m in a confident state of mind about this topic I’m working on myself to mentally be prepared so I avoid looking needy rather like a confident sexy lady (that I am) hehe but sweet at the same time. I hope all goes well.

 

So if he doesn't want to be with you or if he doesn't see potential long term he will be turned off if you ask about his intentions. If he does want to be with you and if you say simply, without apology - "it's probably time to figure out where we stand" then he'll jump on the opportunity to close the deal. Wanting to know about the future is not needy. Needy is wanting to know about the future after someone has told you or shown you through actions he or she doesn't see potential or is not available for a relationship with you. There's very little to talk about when both people are on the same page. When my husband and I decided to be exclusive the conversation lasted less than 2 minutes. Yes, I was cautious because it was our second time trying to be together but I wanted to try far more than I was scared to try and literally it was "do you want to get back together" and my answer was "yes". And sure you iron out some details if you need to, later, but that initial conversation should be simple and mutually confident if you're on the same page. And in my personal opinion sex with someone you're committed to and in love with is the best.

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So if he doesn't want to be with you or if he doesn't see potential long term he will be turned off if you ask about his intentions. If he does want to be with you and if you say simply, without apology - "it's probably time to figure out where we stand" then he'll jump on the opportunity to close the deal. Wanting to know about the future is not needy. Needy is wanting to know about the future after someone has told you or shown you through actions he or she doesn't see potential or is not available for a relationship with you. There's very little to talk about when both people are on the same page. When my husband and I decided to be exclusive the conversation lasted less than 2 minutes. Yes, I was cautious because it was our second time trying to be together but I wanted to try far more than I was scared to try and literally it was "do you want to get back together" and my answer was "yes". And sure you iron out some details if you need to, later, but that initial conversation should be simple and mutually confident if you're on the same page. And in my personal opinion sex with someone you're committed to and in love with is the best.

 

Thank you so much for your advise. Yes this conversation should happen that is if I ever see him again; I say this bcuz he is traveling and being very cold with me after this incident. In fact not messaging me at all. I gave him a whole explanation last night that my account is deactivated and etc... and he just replied “it’s ok”.

I said I can’t wait to see u and he never replied.

 

I am so sad and afraid this dreamy relationship of mine is over, then what the hell does its ok mean?!

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Thank you so much for your advise. Yes this conversation should happen that is if I ever see him again; I say this bcuz he is traveling and being very cold with me after this incident. In fact not messaging me at all. I gave him a whole explanation last night that my account is deactivated and etc... and he just replied “it’s ok”.

I said I can’t wait to see u and he never replied.

 

I am so sad and afraid this dreamy relationship of mine is over, then what the hell does its ok mean?!

 

He's processing the breach of trust he perceives and since he's just getting to know you he has to balance that against what he does know. Let him be. Twice the amount of space he seems to need.

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Right or wrong, I wouldn't believe you either. I wouldn't believe him either. People seem to really mess up getting off of dating sites. Lots of lies, stories, excuses, and drama. But it's not important what I believe.

 

If there's trust missing this early on, you're doomed.

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The problem is this. If he thinks you are lying to him there is nothing to do but prove you are not. This is really not possible, even if you get your friend to verify your story he could easily believe she is covering for you.

 

Back to him being casual about it. It can easily be because he is simply trying to put you at your ease to get the truth. It can be what others have said as well. The problem no one knows why he was so laid back about it.

 

His friend looking out for him has me puzzled. Has your bf being cheated on in the past? Or is the friend hoping to catch you on the rebound? Be wary of this friend.

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The problem is this. If he thinks you are lying to him there is nothing to do but prove you are not. This is really not possible, even if you get your friend to verify your story he could easily believe she is covering for you.

 

Back to him being casual about it. It can easily be because he is simply trying to put you at your ease to get the truth. It can be what others have said as well. The problem no one knows why he was so laid back about it.

 

His friend looking out for him has me puzzled. Has your bf being cheated on in the past? Or is the friend hoping to catch you on the rebound? Be wary of this friend.

 

I’ve never met his friends, he has never cheated as far as I know neither have I since I’ve known him

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Right or wrong, I wouldn't believe you either. I wouldn't believe him either. People seem to really mess up getting off of dating sites. Lots of lies, stories, excuses, and drama. But it's not important what I believe.

 

If there's trust missing this early on, you're doomed.

Thank u, I’ve put the best of me out there since the beginning and in this short time I’ve been with him I have been as true in my heart as can be except the fact that I love him so much for who he is but I never declared if u consider this a lie.

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Right or wrong, I wouldn't believe you either. I wouldn't believe him either. People seem to really mess up getting off of dating sites. Lots of lies, stories, excuses, and drama. But it's not important what I believe.

 

If there's trust missing this early on, you're doomed.

 

It’s a bad situation, really

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