Following up on new friendship situation...

[Nebraskagirl14]

As some of you may remember, I posted a while back about meeting a friend (we are both women) at the gym. I'm gay. She's not. That ultimately doesn't matter but it did make me self-conscious as I wanted to be friends with her and I wanted to make an effort without looking like I was hitting on her.

 

Fast forward to present day. She is really cool in person. Totally friendly. Has no problem chatting with me like actual friends do. We'll talk about books and movies. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee. She said totally. That hasn't happened but that's fine.

 

Here's the thing... as soon as we leave the gym, it's like we aren't friends. If I text her to ask a question, she'll answer after like 7 hours. If I text her to tell her that I love the show she recommended to me on Netflix, she likely won't respond. I can't figure it out.

 

Perhaps she just isn't into texting but here's how I feel. If you text someone and they want to talk to you, they respond. I mean, she has been going through a lot of personal stuff and so it's not something I'm fretting about too much or taking that personally but I don't understand why someone would be so friendly in person and then just seemingly not interested in anything else. And as you all may recall, she is the one that asked for my phone number and not the other way around.

 

I probably shouldn't think about this anymore but I typically read people really well and there is nothing about our exchange in person that says she is feeling awkward about us being friends. Nothing. She is actually a lot like me, personality-wise.

 

Part of me feels like, well, maybe I ought to not text her anymore (and for the record, I maybe text her once a week, maybe) and that's fine but then I feel like I'm not being myself. Why shouldn't I tell someone, "Thanks for the book rec" just because they don't respond??? It's all very puzzling because I DO want to get to know her better and I feel like that will only happen if someone initiates convo and clearly that person has to be me.

 

Thanks for any thoughts, all. I mean, I don't think you should have to try that hard to be friends with someone and I don't understand why she doesn't care to be more than gym friends as we have a lot in common but I guess she doesn't.

[Nickel Speed]

Whether you mean it or not, it certainly sounds like your intentions are to be more than friends.

 

Give her space and let her do her own thing. She doesn't need you texting her all the time to prove friendship. She's hanging out with you, right?

[Rose Mosse]

Try to 'switch off' your desire for a response. It might be difficult at first but it's worth the practice. You're ultimately letting your happiness depend on a text message. I had to work on this a lot when my mum was battling cancer and I couldn't understand why a close friend just didn't respond in the way I wanted her to. Mind you, we are like sisters and it hurt me deeply. Two years later I learned that she was dealing with severe depression and had her own battles.

 

I'm not suggesting to you to be a doormat. I'm only encouraging you to switch off your immediate desire for a response and place less importance on this. Some things are out of your hands. Be a bit more fluid.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Whether you mean it or not, it certainly sounds like your intentions are to be more than friends.

 

Give her space and let her do her own thing. She doesn't need you texting her all the time to prove friendship. She's hanging out with you, right?

 

How do my intentions sound like I want to be more than friends? Because I believe in actually doing stuff with people? And no, the whole point is that we do not hang out. I see her at the gym and that’s it. I am trying to get to know her better as she seems that she is interested in that also but then nothing. And no, I am NOT interested in her as more than friends. I am just of the school of thinking that real friendships involve getting to know someone and time spent doing things that you both enjoy.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Try to 'switch off' your desire for a response. It might be difficult at first but it's worth the practice. You're ultimately letting your happiness depend on a text message. I had to work on this a lot when my mum was battling cancer and I couldn't understand why a close friend just didn't respond in the way I wanted her to. Mind you, we are like sisters and it hurt me deeply. Two years later I learned that she was dealing with severe depression and had her own battles.

 

I'm not suggesting to you to be a doormat. I'm only encouraging you to switch off your immediate desire for a response and place less importance on this. Some things are out of your hands. Be a bit more fluid.

 

Thank you Rose Mosse. You are completely right and I know that this is a great opportunity for me to work on my expectations of outcomes. Thank you!!

[Rose Mosse]

Thank you Rose Mosse. You are completely right and I know that this is a great opportunity for me to work on my expectations of outcomes. Thank you!!

 

You're welcome! Don't feel discouraged.

[abitbroken]

I think you are doing fine - but you are a bit too focused on her. I would try to put myself out there to make more friends so that you are not waiting patiently for that one particular person to bite. You are approaching it a bit like dating even if you don't realize it. I think to her, you are a situational friend and unless the situation changes - one of you stops going to the gym or an event comes up that one needs to invite others to, there might not be more movement than what is happening. I would keep doing what you are doing - be friendly and cool at the gym - while continuing to do other things that might result in friendships - volunteering, meetups, etc. There will be more people that gravitate towards you. Sometimes situational friendships take longer to turn into close friendships. Close friendships only become that way over way more time than you have given this.

[abitbroken]

How do my intentions sound like I want to be more than friends? Because I believe in actually doing stuff with people? And no, the whole point is that we do not hang out. I see her at the gym and that’s it. I am trying to get to know her better as she seems that she is interested in that also but then nothing. And no, I am NOT interested in her as more than friends. I am just of the school of thinking that real friendships involve getting to know someone and time spent doing things that you both enjoy.

 

Its the way you are approaching it - you are trying to "win her" as a friend. That's more like a dating move even though your aim is friendship.

Getting to know someone sometimes happens over time over shared situations. Its not like a date where you sit down and "try to get to know eachother".

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thanks, Abitbroken :-)

 

Yeah, you’re right. And yes, if all of the sudden stopped coming to her classes, I don’t actually think she would care. While at the same time, there was a job opening at her work and she told me in case I wanted to apply (I don’t). So, she is confusing to me. But yes, I need to focus elsewhere. Thanks for the reminder. This may either take a long time or it will just never progress to being friends. I guess it’s off for me because typically, when you get along great with someone, it becomes a coffee thing or whatever else. I mean, other ladies that I know far less well have had no problem saying, “Hey, let’s hang out!”

[Nebraskagirl14]

Its the way you are approaching it - you are trying to "win her" as a friend. That's more like a dating move even though your aim is friendship.

Getting to know someone sometimes happens over time over shared situations. Its not like a date where you sit down and "try to get to know eachother".

 

Oh, I totally hear you. That is why I enjoy talking to her and I have been enjoying that but I wanted to try taking it outside of the gym where we are always basically walking and talking. That’s all. I don’t think it’s weird to want more than that when you think someone is cool.

[RayofLighten]

Some people are just not into texting. I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds like you got a good friendship in person.

[Nickel Speed]

How do my intentions sound like I want to be more than friends? Because I believe in actually doing stuff with people? And no, the whole point is that we do not hang out. I see her at the gym and that’s it. I am trying to get to know her better as she seems that she is interested in that also but then nothing. And no, I am NOT interested in her as more than friends. I am just of the school of thinking that real friendships involve getting to know someone and time spent doing things that you both enjoy.

 

Because you are obsessing over whether or not this woman texts you in a timely manner or not.

 

Part 2: Most people go to the gym at least a few times per week. That's certainly more than I hang out with most of my good friends. Yes, you are hanging out.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Because you are obsessing over whether or not this woman texts you in a timely manner or not.

 

Part 2: Most people go to the gym at least a few times per week. That's certainly more than I hang out with most of my good friends. Yes, you are hanging out.

 

Ahhh, well, part two is true. I guess I do see her once or twice a week.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Some people are just not into texting. I wouldn't worry about it. Sounds like you got a good friendship in person.

 

Thanks, RayofLighten. I don’t gather she is much into technology and so I agree with you :-)

[abitbroken]

Oh, I totally hear you. That is why I enjoy talking to her and I have been enjoying that but I wanted to try taking it outside of the gym where we are always basically walking and talking. That’s all. I don’t think it’s weird to want more than that when you think someone is cool.

 

This will go sideways if you are pushy about it, then she finds out you are gay. She is going to think you are pursuing her romantically.

I would just lay off. If she contacts you outside of the gym, great. If not, enjoy hanging out at the gym.

Situational friendships take time. Let her take the lead on anything outside the gym because you have already been texting her and she has not responded much.

[Nebraskagirl14]

This will go sideways if you are pushy about it, then she finds out you are gay. She is going to think you are pursuing her romantically.

I would just lay off. If she contacts you outside of the gym, great. If not, enjoy hanging out at the gym.

Situational friendships take time. Let her take the lead on anything outside the gym because you have already been texting her and she has not responded much.

 

I totally get that and I haven’t been pushy at all with her. Whatever I write on here is far more outward than I have been with her. I mean, she knows I think she’s cool. She knows I asked her to coffee. I told her to let me know if she want to try a yoga class at my favorite studio. Other than that, I haven’t asked anything. Also, she has known that I am gay since I met her because my ex and I have taken her class together and then we had a convo once about her relationship and I told her I have experienced something similar with my ex.

[abitbroken]

I totally get that and I haven’t been pushy at all with her. Whatever I write on here is far more outward than I have been with her. I mean, she knows I think she’s cool. She knows I asked her to coffee. I told her to let me know if she want to try a yoga class at my favorite studio. Other than that, I haven’t asked anything. Also, she has known that I am gay since I met her because my ex and I have taken her class together and then we had a convo once about her relationship and I told her I have experienced something similar with my ex.

 

Read the bolded.

Those are three things - invites to coffee, standing invites to the yoga class = and she has not taken you up on one is asking her a lot. Now don't ask her to anything else.

 

Okay - if she saw you with your ex, and now the ex is not in the picture and you are paying a lot of attention to her, do you think she is clear that you are not interested in her? IE, "i wish i had a single guy friend i could set you up with, but they are either taken or like fart jokes too much" Or the relationship advice you give is not "dump him!"

[j.man]

I honestly just think she likes you as a gym buddy and it just being that simple. Maybe her social plate is full otherwise. Maybe the things you have in common may be nice to discuss in between sets, but not so much in her leisure time. No way to know. If you've got a good thing twice a week, I'd just relax and chalk it up to what it is.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Read the bolded.

Those are three things - invites to coffee, standing invites to the yoga class = and she has not taken you up on one is asking her a lot. Now don't ask her to anything else.

 

Okay - if she saw you with your ex, and now the ex is not in the picture and you are paying a lot of attention to her, do you think she is clear that you are not interested in her? IE, "i wish i had a single guy friend i could set you up with, but they are either taken or like fart jokes too much" Or the relationship advice you give is not "dump him!"

 

Lol!!!! Um, yes, she knows I’m not into her. We both admitted that we aren’t interested in dating anyone and I literally haven’t made any weird advances. Also, I asked her ONCE if she wanted to have coffee, to which she replied, “Yeah! I have a gift card for that place and we should use it!!” Then we were talking about where I do yoga and I casually said if she is interested in ever checking out a class to let me know. The problem with posting all of this stuff on a forum is that no one can tell how it played out in real life.

 

 

I have only acted like I would act with any friend that I have recently met and get along well with. No more. I mean, another lady in our class told me she wants to take me to the film festival to see indie films. She knows I’m gay also. I don’t automatically think that because she has said to me, “Let’s get together sometime” and “I want to take you to the film festival when it comes to town” that she is hitting on me. I mean, does it change your perspective because I’m gay? If so, it shouldn’t because I am treating this one no differently than I treat other friends. Also, just because I am attracted to women and she happens to be one doesn’t mean I automatically like all women. Also, she is still married and is best friends with her husband and I have had absolute and utter respect for her relationship. We don’t actually talk much at all about personal stuff. We talk about work, movies, dogs, whatever. I will admit that I enjoy connection with like-minded friends and I would love for this to have more depth but I have had total respect for the fact that she doesn’t at this point.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I honestly just think she likes you as a gym buddy and it just being that simple. Maybe her social plate is full otherwise. Maybe the things you have in common may be nice to discuss in between sets, but not so much in her leisure time. No way to know. If you've got a good thing twice a week, I'd just relax and chalk it up to what it is.

 

Thanks, J.man. Yeah, I have definitely overthought this times a million.

[Hollyj]

I would think of her as a gym friend, and leave it at that. I also would not text her anymore, let her reach out to you.

 

Some of my good friends do not respond to me for more than a day, and I think nothing of it. People are busy and don't like to feel tethered to their phones. You need to pull back regarding your expectations or it could push folks away.

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thanks, Holly. Yeah, I won’t reach out to her anymore. I actually think if I just let it all go, I will feel better.

[Batya33]

I’ve experienced a lot of flakiness trying to make friends in my newer city - been here 9 years but in my former city for 43. Anyway I’ve had a lot of bites and enthusiasm for getting together and not so much follow through and no it’s not “me” - I think it’s well meaning people who then realize they cannot follow through. I do follow through absent an emergency and I find that unusual. It’s a bit frustrating.

Then I also have a flip side situation that cropped up recently. A new friend who is going through terrible health and emotional issues right now. I met her through her husband. I have somewhat more in common with him and we met when we were with our kids at an activity. I felt it was more appropriate to reach out to her and befriend her. Problem is she’s become a bit needy for my taste.

 

She wants to meet for lunch - which we’ve done once plus gotten together a few times with our kids. But a few weeks ago I got swamped at work and she is driving for a rideshare company so she wants to meet at a random time the day of when she knows where she will be. Honestly that really doesn’t work for me but I’m willing to make it work once my work slows down. So I told her when I hoped that would be - in a few weeks - because she’s started asking more often plus she texts or calls at inconvenient times when I’m parenting my child. I do like her and I am also feeling a bit crowded.

 

So your new friend might have a similar ambivalence. If I had it my way we’d meet up again when I am with my son and she is with hers so I can multi task. Maybe that’s your friends situation. She has time to see you while working out and realizes that she really can’t make time right now otherwise.

[Hollyj]

Thanks, Holly. Yeah, I won’t reach out to her anymore. I actually think if I just let it all go, I will feel better.

 

I think that's a good plan.

[Nebraskagirl14]

I’ve experienced a lot of flakiness trying to make friends in my newer city - been here 9 years but in my former city for 43. Anyway I’ve had a lot of bites and enthusiasm for getting together and not so much follow through and no it’s not “me” - I think it’s well meaning people who then realize they cannot follow through. I do follow through absent an emergency and I find that unusual. It’s a bit frustrating.

Then I also have a flip side situation that cropped up recently. A new friend who is going through terrible health and emotional issues right now. I met her through her husband. I have somewhat more in common with him and we met when we were with our kids at an activity. I felt it was more appropriate to reach out to her and befriend her. Problem is she’s become a bit needy for my taste.

 

She wants to meet for lunch - which we’ve done once plus gotten together a few times with our kids. But a few weeks ago I got swamped at work and she is driving for a rideshare company so she wants to meet at a random time the day of when she knows where she will be. Honestly that really doesn’t work for me but I’m willing to make it work once my work slows down. So I told her when I hoped that would be - in a few weeks - because she’s started asking more often plus she texts or calls at inconvenient times when I’m parenting my child. I do like her and I am also feeling a bit crowded.

 

So your new friend might have a similar ambivalence. If I had it my way we’d meet up again when I am with my son and she is with hers so I can multi task. Maybe that’s your friends situation. She has time to see you while working out and realizes that she really can’t make time right now otherwise.

 

I hear you, Batya. Funny enough, I just saw this friend this evening and all was great again in person. I will still give her space though and let her make contact if she wants to and leave that ball in her court. Thank you for your story!