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She's desperate to have a baby but I'm not ready


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Basically my girlfriend is desperate to have a baby but I'm not ready, I want kids and I want kids with her but I'm not ready and I don't know when I will be, the only problem is my girlfriend has got fertility problems and has been told she has very little time left, apparently she has a year at the most and even then there's no guarantee, it has become an issue recently and has upset her a lot, I don't know what to do and worried I'll lose her and what that means for us. I know this means everything to her and I don't want to take this from her but at the same time I'm not sure I can just go ahead with this when I'm not ready. I then worry that what happens when I want it as much as she does but time has run out? I don't want to loose her and fear I could, part of me wonders whether I should just suck it up and do it so I don't loose her but then I worry I will regret it and resent her.

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If you're not ready, not 100% enthusiastic, then it's not fair to the child. Can she freeze her eggs and buy some time that way?

 

I agree with Batya - I don't think you should be strong armed into this if you are not ready. Make sure you are using condoms. I'd hate to see her suddenly get pregnant without your being on board.

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I'm generally in agreement with the other posters. HOWEVER...

 

This fertility thing is heavy. You say you want kids with her. Under what time frame? Because it could be now or never. If you think you could want them in 2-3 years, I would encourage you to sit down and think really hard if this is something you could do. Otherwise you may miss the chance - and so could she.

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67... you own it to your girlfriend to take her predicament seriously and overcome your fears if you really see a future with her. If you love her, see a future with her and you want children with her in general, then what is your problem to father children in the near future? I have to tell you that there is no perfect moment for having children, there is no perfect time, if this is what you are waiting for.

I would suggest you go to a therapist/close friend and discuss your own fears.

Just to make sure you understand fully the tech. stuff, I would meet the gynecologist and discuss your girlfiend health condition ans possible alternatives.

In any case do not allow your cold feet ruin your relationship and hurt the woman you love.

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I'm generally in agreement with the other posters. HOWEVER...

 

This fertility thing is heavy. You say you want kids with her. Under what time frame? Because it could be now or never. If you think you could want them in 2-3 years, I would encourage you to sit down and think really hard if this is something you could do. Otherwise you may miss the chance - and so could she.

 

Yes, I agree. Also, OP doesn't say how old he is. But it's worth thinking about their ages. If he's 40 and doesn't think he'll be ready for kids for another 10 years or so, then he's being unfair to the gf and himself. If he's a younger guy, then i understand being hesitant to have kids so soon, but still, I think you need to make a decision quickly, one way or another (either have kids now, try again in a year, or let her go).

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How old are you and she? How long have you been together? Are you financially secure?

 

I don't think it's fair to bring a child into this world when your most enthusiastic statement is you could "suck it up". The child needs to be priority.

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I think marriage should come before children, but in today's world it's not necessary. A good friend of mine once told me...if you are waiting for the right time, you'll be waiting forever. Children are a major commitment and will change your life forever, so I can understand your apprehension. If you know this is the woman you want to eventually have children with, it would be worth considering. I agree with East4...there is never going to be the "right" time. If you are set on not having children right now and if her fertility issues are limiting her, you have a big decision to make soon. Good luck to you and your girlfriend. I hope you can work this out. If you know without a doubt that you love her and do not want to lose her, your decision to have children soon is just a fear that you may need to work through.

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I'm 24, she is 26

 

That sure is young. Are you SURE she has fertility problems? I honestly know nothing about it, as I've never tried to get pregnant. I can see having fertility problems at 40+, but 26? Just want to make sure she's not making up stories in order to pressure you. I don't know her, so no offense meant if I'm way off base.

 

You're very, very young. A child is an 18+ year commitment (and really, a life-long commitment, but you'll be fully 100% responsible for this kid at least until they graduate high school). If you're not ready and don't want kids right now, don't just suck it up and do it. Are you prepared to lose all freedom to be selfish? Are you financially able to afford diapers and food and medical checkups and clothes and everything else that goes into supporting a baby? Can you afford daycare while you work full time to earn enough to take care of a home and a child? I could go on and on with what having a baby entails. You need to think logically and not emotionally here.

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How old are you and she? How long have you been together? Are you financially secure?

 

I don't think it's fair to bring a child into this world when your most enthusiastic statement is you could "suck it up". The child needs to be priority.

 

I'm 24 she is 26 we will have been together for one year in may and lived together for most of that time (things got serious quickly) not financially secure to raise a child

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That sure is young. Are you SURE she has fertility problems? I honestly know nothing about it, as I've never tried to get pregnant. I can see having fertility problems at 40+, but 26? Just want to make sure she's not making up stories in order to pressure you. I don't know her, so no offense meant if I'm way off base.

 

You're very, very young. A child is an 18+ year commitment (and really, a life-long commitment, but you'll be fully 100% responsible for this kid at least until they graduate high school). If you're not ready and don't want kids right now, don't just suck it up and do it. Are you prepared to lose all freedom to be selfish? Are you financially able to afford diapers and food and medical checkups and clothes and everything else that goes into supporting a baby? Can you afford daycare while you work full time to earn enough to take care of a home and a child? I could go on and on with what having a baby entails. You need to think logically and not emotionally here.

 

I know she has a lot of health issues and fertility is one that has been discussed at length from the beginning but it has crossed my mind she might be lying but her reaction to me saying I'm not ready and her thinking she can't have her own children would suggest she is not.

 

I'm not ready to make that commitment or give up my freedom and I'm not in a position financially to raise a child.

 

I'm scared of loosing her, I'm scared and feel guilty for denying her the opportunity to be a mum something she wants more than anything else in the world and I'm scared that when I'm ready it's no longer a possibility, I'm scared she will stay with me and resent me for not being able to have kids I'm scared of having them when I'm not ready and resenting her, I'm scared I'll resent her when I'm ready and she can't give them to me.

 

Part of me feels to do it just so I don't loose the opportunity

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I'm 24 she is 26 we will have been together for one year in may and lived together for most of that time (things got serious quickly) not financially secure to raise a child

 

Depending on what the issues are I'd suggest that she freeze her eggs or look into other options since you are not ready to be a father within the year and obviously she'd have a hard time starting over and getting pregnant within a year (I guess). Does she have a diagnosis and a second opinion?

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If you are not financially ready and not emotionally ready don't do it. At the same time no is ever, " ready". I would also not have children if you do not have a longer established relationship. Then you owe her to tell her very definitely you are not ready. Then she can decide what she will do.

 

Fertility issues are possible. I did not know I had any until I got pregnant at 30. My OB was absolutely right when he said I would never have another child than the one I had and he was a miracle to be born. So , yes many people can have fertility issues early.

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Depending on what the issues are I'd suggest that she freeze her eggs or look into other options since you are not ready to be a father within the year and obviously she'd have a hard time starting over and getting pregnant within a year (I guess). Does she have a diagnosis and a second opinion?

 

I suggested that but apparently it will cost £7000 and there's no guarantee it will work, she said before she met me a year ago she was looking in to having IVF done and raising the child herself but then met me and couldn't not be with me, I don't know the specifics of the diagnosis but apparently she does have one and they said her time is running out, I'm not aware of a second opionion

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What fertility problems does she have, specifically? I get that she's young but there is treatment for common causes of fertility, like PCOS. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was in my late teens and I was told to "have a baby soon naturally". Horrible cysts too. Now I'm 27 and I have NO cysts (confirmed with ultrasound) whatsoever after losing a bunch of weight and changing my diet.

 

She really needs to see a gyno, heck, you two should go together or at least talk about it in detail.

 

Be honest. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Own it and let her make her own choice.

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I suggested that but apparently it will cost £7000 and there's no guarantee it will work, she said before she met me a year ago she was looking in to having IVF done and raising the child herself but then met me and couldn't not be with me, I don't know the specifics of the diagnosis but apparently she does have one and they said her time is running out, I'm not aware of a second opionion

 

Some of that doesn't add up. She wants a baby so badly that she was willing to do IVF and be a single mother by choice but within a short period of time after meeting you she was willing to give up her dream and risk never having a baby? Either she doesn't want a child badly enough or her diagnosis is not as serious and she can delay parenthood. Ask her what the specifics are -not in a confrontational way -say that you know someone or of someone who might be able to help.

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What fertility problems does she have, specifically? I get that she's young but there is treatment for common causes of fertility, like PCOS. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was in my late teens and I was told to "have a baby soon naturally". Horrible cysts too. Now I'm 27 and I have NO cysts (confirmed with ultrasound) whatsoever after losing a bunch of weight and changing my diet.

 

She really needs to see a gyno, heck, you two should go together or at least talk about it in detail.

 

Be honest. If you're not ready, you're not ready. Own it and let her make her own choice.

 

What's PCOS? Apparently when she was 15 she was raped which caused her damage but since then has had cancer and had to go through chemo which apparnelt affected her fertility and the doctor said she had stopped producing eggs and has a limited time for which she can conceive with her remaining eggs.

 

And I agree about going to the gyno or talking in more detail but she always refuses saying she doesn't see the point or just gets frustrated with me

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I would ask to go with her to the doctors office and have the doctor explain to you all of the different options.

 

I have done but she has so far refused saying she doesn't see the point and that they will just tell us what she told me

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What's PCOS? Apparently when she was 15 she was raped which caused her damage but since then has had cancer and had to go through chemo which apparnelt affected her fertility and the doctor said she had stopped producing eggs and has a limited time for which she can conceive with her remaining eggs.

 

And I agree about going to the gyno or talking in more detail but she always refuses saying she doesn't see the point or just gets frustrated with me

 

PCOS = polycystic ovary syndrome

 

Be very careful with how you talk about this. I haven't struggled with fertility but it may be an issue down the road. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is to struggle with it. Be sure to be VERY mindful of it when talking to your girlfriend. She may be shutting down because of something as small as the tone of your voice or the words chosen.

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At first I thought both of you, especially her, might be in you late 30s or older. But you are still very young.

 

If you really love her AND she treats you well, try to overcome your fear and consider having kids.

 

But if you two have any relationship issues like if she is emotionally abusive or anything like that, I would hold off for now. Especially if you feel she is starting to treat you in a way to pressure you or bully you into having a baby.

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