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Update & question on where to go from here


akrngrl

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Update from the guy I’ve been seeing. Things were going REALLY well. We spent a lot of time together over the last week, but it was due to events with his friends. He’s been a total gentleman and has taken care of all hotels, etc. and even in a moment where I was mortified with myself he was very nice and understanding.

 

Prior to that It came up what he was looking for and he gave a not really sure/last gf left because I’m not around answer, but then I told him I was looking for a relationship. He offered up that he’d hid his dating apps (I guess it takes you out of the swipe sequence, you can still talk to matches but can’t get new ones) and wasn’t looking to meet anyone else (we had already agreed on sexual exclusivity).

 

Then he began seriously talking about booking a trip for us in April, we were looking at flights, etc. He did say he hadn’t told his parents about me, but said if things continued I should go to an event for him that they’ll be there for at the end of next month. To me those were all good signs. To keep it light I voted/ we agreed we see how we are this month and determine then if it has a chance for a real shot.

 

He’s on a trip now and on the dating app he “hid” his location updated twice since last night. That’s put the wind right out of my sails.

 

I’m paranoid by nature so I can’t tell when my gut is legit warning me or just being its usual self, but I’ve lost some respect-mostly because he volunteered he hid them, so why check in?

 

I really want to just sit back and observe because that’s still the stage I’m in- is he right for me? Is he what I want/need? But he’s set to come over in a few days (I’m making dinner, etc) and I just can’t imagine myself doing these nice things and having sex acting like everything is okay. I don’t want to be taken for a fool. I still don’t believe he’s intending to meet other people, but I feel like I was lied to.

 

Should I carry on and continue to observe while taking note? Is it worth it to bring up? Should I assume he’s out to meet other people and get back out there? No matter how lightly I ever try to approach a serious topic it’s always heavier than I want it to be despite that I’m not even really dramatic by nature.

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How much longer is he going to be working in your area?

 

Why not tell him you are thinking about deleting (not just "hiding") your dating profile because you'd like to be an official exclusive couple and ask him would he be willing to do the same?

 

Or, you can sit and fret and worry and hope. I'd vote for concrete answers rather than "hoping" things turn out the way I'd like them to.

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How much longer is he going to be working in your area?

 

Why not tell him you are thinking about deleting (not just "hiding") your dating profile because you'd like to be an official exclusive couple and ask him would he be willing to do the same?

 

Or, you can sit and fret and worry and hope. I'd vote for concrete answers rather than "hoping" things turn out the way I'd like them to.

 

He’s in my immediate area until the end of this month, then he moves about an hour away for a month. Then he leaves the state and is back by me for the summer and then can basically be assigned anywhere.

 

I vote that too. I guess I just figured I had to the end of the month. I literally awkwardly stumbled through that convo about what he wants last week so I didn’t want to seem like I’m beating a dead horse or creating pressure since it’s still pretty early on.

 

Incidental, but I think I’m more flustered about the “lie” if that’s what we can call it.

 

Thank you though-I may just try that. I can say something like “I was thinking about it and it seems silly to “hide” my profile, I’m still getting messages from matches and I want to delete them. Would you be willing to do the same?”

 

I’ve always been advised not to ask for things, just to state my needs and listen to the response so that would be a bit out of my comfort zone, but I want to be mature.

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I find that I am much more successful at getting what I want when I ask directly. Playing coy and dropping hints have gotten me 0% of my requests fulfilled.

 

And you'd know right away. Either it's a "yes, I agree" or it's a "no, I'm not ready" or it's a hem and haw. The second and third options would have me thanking him for the good times and sending him on his way. But at least you'd know.

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I find that I am much more successful at getting what I want when I ask directly. Playing coy and dropping hints have gotten me 0% of my requests fulfilled.

 

And you'd know right away. Either it's a "yes, I agree" or it's a "no, I'm not ready" or it's a hem and haw. The second and third options would have me thanking him for the good times and sending him on his way. But at least you'd know.

 

Thank you for your insight. That’s a good point. It just happened and I think I’m in a bit of a jaded mindset right now and I feel like my hand has been forced early (in the let’s be exclusive area), but I can’t very well sit on these feelings and your advice seems to get a good answer about where he’s at without the whole “I saw you logged on” accusatory bit that I would rather not ever bring up.

 

Sorry for being a sour goat and venting. In the grand scheme I guess it’s not a big lie, but trust is still so fragile that I can’t help but wonder if he’s just a “yes” man even if he doesn’t want something and then goes about his way.

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Unfortunately since you both already know this is short term and casual while he's in your town working, there not much you can do but accept it and not get this invested or involved. Hiding profiles is not promising anything, including exclusivity. He's not lying to you. He's telling you he's "not sure". He's giving you a lot of "ifs". Keep saying to yourself. "This is short term, this is casual". If that upsets you don't go any further.

It came up what he was looking for and he gave a not really sure

He did say he hadn’t told his parents about me

He’s on a trip now and on the dating app he “hid” his location updated twice since last night.

I just can’t imagine myself doing these nice things and having sex acting like everything is okay.

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I do have to wonder how you found out his location updated on the dating app. Is there some reason why you feel like you want to check up on him? Has he given you any indication he's seeing or dating anyone else? If not, why check up on him?

 

I’d like to say gut instinct, which has never actually been wrong, but it’s rightfully or wrongfully paranoid so it’s just something I do. I don’t like to text constantly or put anyone other than myself in charge of giving me reassurance.

 

Not at all, which is why I’m more upset about the premise that he lied at all rather than what he lied about.

 

I guess on some level I realize it seems silly to be sexually exclusive and go as far as you can to not meet others without actually deleting the app and being bf/gf. I can’t understand why he’d “hide” the app and not make that a conversation when he did it or why when I said I’d hide mine he kept saying that I didn’t have to. I feel like it’d be the other way around, you’d want the other person to delete theirs and be able to keep your options open.

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Unfortunately since you both already know this is short term and casual while he's in your town working, there not much you can do but accept it and not get this invested or involved. Hiding profiles is not promising anything, including exclusivity. He's not lying to you. He's telling you he's "not sure". He's giving you a lot of "ifs". Keep saying to yourself. "This is short term, this is casual". If that upsets you don't go any further.

 

I appreciate your input and apologize if I come across as defensive because I don’t mean to be, but at what point would I not consider this casual?

 

I guess to me people who want casual just want it when it’s convenient and don’t put stock into introducing you to friends or taking you places. It’s kind of like “if you’re there, cool, if not, oh well” and that hasn’t really been how he’s presented himself or how he’s described himself.

 

You’re very likely probably right in the long run, but I’m trying to learn for the future. Usually these situations I get love bombed, yet hidden and I’m not offered to do anything outside of just us together and if sex is involved, well that’s what they try to center all the hangouts around.

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If he is coming over to dinner and you are sexually active absolutely you should talk about exclusivity. That doesn't have to mean there is a future, but certainly you don't want a cozy romantic evening with someone who is with others. You can broach the subject because it's important, you should anyway and also you do not have to discuss his dating app activity. Simply emphasize that sexual exclusivity is a must for you. That is not asking for a future, being clingy or insecure, etc. It's telling someone your standards for whatever particular situation. As you should.

at what point would I not consider this casual?

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If he is coming over to dinner and you are sexually active absolutely you should talk about exclusivity. That doesn't have to mean there is a future, but certainly you don't want a cozy romantic evening with someone who is with others. You can broach the subject because it's important, you should anyway and also you do not have to discuss his dating app activity. Simply emphasize that sexual exclusivity is a must for you. That is not asking for a future, being clingy or insecure, etc. It's telling someone your standards for whatever particular situation. As you should.

 

Oh no, we already agreed on that weeks ago lol. If this site has taught me anything it’s that. Sexual exclusivity came first before anything majorly physical happened and we were totally on the same page.

 

Then last week it came up as to what he was actually looking for and though I don’t remember actual words it wasn’t cut and dry “relationship” or “casual”. Then he said he’d hid his profile and wasn’t looking to meet others and I was the only woman he’d met here. I mentioned that I wasn’t the lady that would stay in the gray area while he was away away and let him come back and act all hunky dory in a few months. Jokingly I think I said “let’s see by the end of this month, if nothing happens that makes us hate each other.”

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"Then he said he’d hid his profile and wasn’t looking to meet others and I was the only woman he’d met here. "

 

Right here. Here is his disclaimer. You are the only woman he's met "here", but he does travel for work, correct?

 

Yes, he does travel recently. Good catch! I didn’t even think of it like that. The way he said it I felt it was more like “you’re the only person I’ve met since coming here”. He just started this particular profession so this was his first real stop, but you could still totally be right.

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I don't know what app you're talking about, but I recently learned that Bumble, for instance, updates your location even when hidden and even when the app is closed. Raya, another one I use, does the same thing unless you go deep into the settings and change it.

 

In other words, he may not be lying at all.

 

Dating apps are both awesome and awful. They allow us the possibility of connection with little effort, but, once we connect, they can just as effortlessly become little paranoia machines tucked into our pocket.

 

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to unmatch from him. I did this recently, in my own version of a situation like this, and it was amazing the difference it made. Nonsensical anxieties went out the window without the pixilated fuel to feed them.

 

Like, imagine your situation if apps didn't exist, or if he was someone you met at a party. You'd still have some nerves, because it's new, he's here and there, you're still exploring if there's space for you guys to find common ground, make a sustainable fire out of the spark. But you'd have simply been soothed by your recent talk, soothed enough to stay open to exploration.

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I don't know what app you're talking about, but I recently learned that Bumble, for instance, updates your location even when hidden and even when the app is closed. Raya, another one I use, does the same thing unless you go deep into the settings and change it.

 

In other words, he may not be lying at all.

 

Dating apps are both awesome and awful. They allow us the possibility of connection with little effort, but, once we connect, they can just as effortlessly become little paranoia machines tucked into our pocket.

 

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to unmatch from him. I did this recently, in my own version of a situation like this, and it was amazing the difference it made. Nonsensical anxieties went out the window without the pixilated fuel to feed them.

 

Like, imagine your situation if apps didn't exist, or if he was someone you met at a party. You'd still have some nerves, because it's new, he's here and there, you're still exploring if there's space for you guys to find common ground, make a sustainable fire out of the spark. But you'd have simply been soothed by your recent talk, soothed enough to stay open to exploration.

 

That’s actually super interesting to learn. I had a similar situation a few years ago and my friend and I tested the apps like bumble, tinder, happn, etc and they only updated when launched, so they must have changed it. Kind of refreshing.

 

Maybe I’m being ignorant, but it’s genuinely the potential “lie” that’s getting to me and not the fact that it’s the dating app. I truly don’t believe he’s hooking up with or looking to meet women hours away on a short trip.

 

You’re definitely right though about the apps. I think it’s my little way of keeping guard and being preemptive. The humiliation I feel when I’m the last to figure something out (like a guy not being into it when I’m giving him my best) is off the charts. In the past I’ve tended to think people have the worst intentions and yet always give them the benefit of the doubt when push comes to shove. That’s a lose/lose situation for me which is why I’ve really been putting effort into just observing and not requesting early on. I’ve lurked here for years and people are right about one’s true colors showing through all on their own and having to be receptive enough to those little nuances.

 

I’m also a pretty good spot for incompatibilities by date 7-ish and can bow out gracefully. I’ve lost count of how many dates this has been but up near 20 I’d guess so I suppose I started to get optimistic and not as realistic.

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I hear you.

 

The other thing about the dating apps is that they are just super, super addictive, especially to a certain kind of person. Like social media apps, they are designed to entice mindless usage.

 

I can't tell you how many times I've found myself opening one up and swiping around without even realizing what I'm doing—no different than when I open Instagram and, lo and behold, 40 minutes evaporates in a blur of cat photos, landscapes, and "stories."

 

I've swiped mindlessly when I'm head over heels about someone, swiped mindlessly when I have no interest in meeting anyone, swiped mindlessly the same day I've had great sex with someone—not because I'm looking for more great sex with more partners, but simply because the apps become kind of habitual. And, yes, I've swiped mindlessly even when I've told someone I'm no longer swiping. Again, not because I'm a lying cad, but because boredom + smartphones + apps = a recipe for temporary idiocy.

 

I get the instinct to "use" them as way of being guarded—I've been there—but really it's like looking into a fun house mirror to see what you look like. Too distorted. For me, whenever I get a little anxious about how someone else might be using an app, I remind myself of all the mindless ways I've used them.

 

As you said it, people's true colors always come through. That's all dating, and even being in a relationship, is about—letting those colors come to the surface and seeing how you feel as they do. Some caution is healthy, but paranoia can close doors too early.

 

This sounds like a nice situation you're in. You guys are connecting. You're sexually exclusive. You're going to have to allow some time and patience to see where all the chips land—because of his work schedule, and so on. There will be some sweet stretches, some edgy stretches. Wherever it goes, you can handle it.

 

Can't say it enough times: just unmatch. Let this thing, wherever it goes, be determined by what happens between you two, not what you interpret (or misinterpret) from a mobile app.

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Thank you for your insight. That’s a good point. It just happened and I think I’m in a bit of a jaded mindset right now and I feel like my hand has been forced early (in the let’s be exclusive area), but I can’t very well sit on these feelings and your advice seems to get a good answer about where he’s at without the whole “I saw you logged on” accusatory bit that I would rather not ever bring up.

 

Sorry for being a sour goat and venting. In the grand scheme I guess it’s not a big lie, but trust is still so fragile that I can’t help but wonder if he’s just a “yes” man even if he doesn’t want something and then goes about his way.

 

You're so busy trying to be 'that girl' the cool calm and down for whatever girl. I have come to the conclusion that 'that girl' the one willing to put her wants aside to please others, isnt what men actually want, we as women, were our own worst enemies sometimes, no one wants to be that 'other girl' the clingy, needy, I want a relationship girl, as if wanting a relationship is a bad word, so, so many try to be women who honestly degrade themselves, to please men who dont respect us to begin with.

 

Youre good enough to have a good time with but not good enough to be in a relationship with. At the end of the day whether hes on the dating website or not, whether youre pushing or pulling or coming on too strong, you asked and he answered, there is no grey area anymore, he told you in no uncertain terms.

 

Oh no, we already agreed on that weeks ago lol. If this site has taught me anything it’s that. Sexual exclusivity came first before anything majorly physical happened and we were totally on the same page.

 

Then last week it came up as to what he was actually looking for and though I don’t remember actual words it wasn’t cut and dry “relationship” or “casual”. Then he said he’d hid his profile and wasn’t looking to meet others and I was the only woman he’d met here. I mentioned that I wasn’t the lady that would stay in the gray area while he was away away and let him come back and act all hunky dory in a few months. Jokingly I think I said “let’s see by the end of this month, if nothing happens that makes us hate each other.”

 

 

Your last post was pages and pages of you being petrified to ask. Why? You got the answer you didnt want and you stayed anyway. Its almost like you were afraid to ask because you already knew the answer and as long as he didnt confirm it you could stay under the guise of being the 'cool chick' believe maybe just maybe he wanted more.

 

I’d like to say gut instinct, which has never actually been wrong, but it’s rightfully or wrongfully paranoid so it’s just something I do. I don’t like to text constantly or put anyone other than myself in charge of giving me reassurance.

Not at all, which is why I’m more upset about the premise that he lied at all rather than what he lied about.

 

I guess on some level I realize it seems silly to be sexually exclusive and go as far as you can to not meet others without actually deleting the app and being bf/gf. I can’t understand why he’d “hide” the app and not make that a conversation when he did it or why when I said I’d hide mine he kept saying that I didn’t have to. I feel like it’d be the other way around, you’d want the other person to delete theirs and be able to keep your options open.

 

Thats a lot of twisting. Is he worth it?

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What you'll be signing up for is checking and checking the dating app to try to see what he's up to while he's away for work.

 

Does that sound fun to you?

 

If not, get your answer now. And not some wishy washy "Well, you're the only woman I'm dating HERE". A real answer.

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You're so busy trying to be 'that girl' the cool calm and down for whatever girl. I have come to the conclusion that 'that girl' the one willing to put her wants aside to please others, isnt what men actually want, we as women, were our own worst enemies sometimes, no one wants to be that 'other girl' the clingy, needy, I want a relationship girl, as if wanting a relationship is a bad word, so, so many try to be women who honestly degrade themselves, to please men who dont respect us to begin with.

 

Youre good enough to have a good time with but not good enough to be in a relationship with. At the end of the day whether hes on the dating website or not, whether youre pushing or pulling or coming on too strong, you asked and he answered, there is no grey area anymore, he told you in no uncertain terms.

 

 

 

 

Your last post was pages and pages of you being petrified to ask. Why? You got the answer you didnt want and you stayed anyway. Its almost like you were afraid to ask because you already knew the answer and as long as he didnt confirm it you could stay under the guise of being the 'cool chick' believe maybe just maybe he wanted more.

 

 

 

Thats a lot of twisting. Is he worth it?

 

Thank you for your insight! I think you may be referring to another user about the pages and pages of wanting a relationship, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t necessarily apply here.

 

I agree about the cool girl thing and perhaps on some level I’m doing it, but honestly it’s more that I also don’t want to jump in too quick. Far too many times I have and after a month I’m like “what am I doing?!” Hence why I said I felt like my hand was forced a bit. Basically I’d be asking to be exclusive because I saw that he might not be going in that direction. Had nothing been said about hiding his profile I wouldn’t care if he was on or even 100% that he might meet up with someone else as we already had established sexual exclusivity.

 

I agree that perhaps I’m in murky waters of good enough to have fun with, but not a relationship, but I’m not sure how to test that out without asking for exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend titles-and at less than two months in that seems premature even for me. I understand time constraints would force the issue slightly sooner, but I was still trying to enjoy each outing and assuming it was our last unless he mentioned another date-which he always has.

 

I think my issue is like you said about the me wondering while he’s away for work. I’m very independent, almost to a fault and LOVE my me time so I’m perfectly fine with him gone as long as I had trust- which this incident kinda chinked that armor a little.

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What you'll be signing up for is checking and checking the dating app to try to see what he's up to while he's away for work.

 

Does that sound fun to you?

 

If not, get your answer now. And not some wishy washy "Well, you're the only woman I'm dating HERE". A real answer.

 

This. I agree with this. I think that’s what I’m the most frustrated about. It’s not all about exclusivity, but the fact that I HAD trusted him and now that’s dented for me and I’m re-evaluating everything. Like “if I can’t trust you here when it was you offering up the info what’s to stop you from just lying and saying you deleted it to keep me happy and go off along your merry way?” That’s insecurity and paranoia mostly, but people will do some crazy things if they know they won’t get caught.

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Thank you for your insight! I think you may be referring to another user about the pages and pages of wanting a relationship, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t necessarily apply here.

 

Is this not you?

 

Hey Jellybean9!

 

Usually that’s my motto and honestly I usually ask all the hard hitting questions before meeting because I have nothing to lose as we have just matched lol.

 

I hardly interacted with this guy before agreeing to go for coffee. His super close proximity made it easier to go with it because I was already going to be in that part of town running errands. Usually my first meets require a bit of travel so I suppose I’m more stringent on my preferences. Lessons learned [emoji28]

 

He had mentioned wanting to travel the world still on the first meet so I kinda wrote him off as fun guy to spend time with, but obviously not my future husband. I’ll be darned though if he hasn’t shown up in every way on all accounts thus far (paying for dates, making tentative dates at the end of each and then following up in a timely manner to finalize them via text, etc).

 

Thise may all be things that a genuine, good person would do, but in my head I’m like “Oooooo look at this consistency!”

 

Honestly had I not known he’s only here for a short time or come across his “doesn’t know what he’s looking for” on the other app, I would think his actions were pointing to serious relationship.

 

I will definitely ask him! I guess my biggest worries are coming across like I want more at this stage unintentionally or receiving a breezy response like “I don’t know, I want to meet people and have fun” and then not knowing if/how I should respond to that.

 

Hey guys!

 

Sorry to keep posting here, but I don’t have many real life people to discuss with.

 

I chickened out/didn’t find a good time to discuss sexual exclusivity and dating style. It didn’t seem to come up without sounding forced.

 

He was talking about when he comes back to the area, etc because he got some of his timeline I suppose . So I think now I’m more questioning “what is this?” because he’s going way above and beyond what I’ve experienced from men in general and he’s trying to make future plans on top of it.

 

It’s been just about a month. Do I just sit through this grey area until it’s appropriate to ask where he stands/what he wants from this? I know that’s a dreaded talk and I’m awful about being playful. I can be lighthearted, but it’s usually with self deprecation and that’s not exactly how I want to portray myself in this situation. Is there too soon to ask?

 

My guy friend said that he’s probably just trying to lock down something consistent by me and doesn’t actually really care who it is. It could be true, but he tends to get bitter so I take what he says with a grain of salt. Maybe everyone will agree though.

 

Thank you Jellybean! I feel like we’re a lot alike

so I’m grateful to have your perspective when I feel like I’m not good at seeing things clearly.

 

Any tips on how to bring it up? I’ve basically spent wayy too long on google to learn that there’s no safe way. Some say don’t ask, just state your standards (I had planned to do that with sexual exclusivity), but then most said never use sex as a bargaining chip (which makes sense so I pulled back on that).

 

I’m also debating between going to sexual exclusivity to be on the safe side for now and maybe asking “where do you see this going?” type questions next month, a little closer to when he’s leaving. I can’t tell if that’s too much “heavy” though.

 

I almost wish his actions aligned with how I perceived him from his profile at this point haha. I really feel like he gives me the royal treatment and normally I’m like “yeah you’re cool but we’d never work out”.

 

Doesn’t help that I’m so used to/and like being on my own that I’ve always joked I’d do best with a husband that lived on another continent [emoji23]

 

 

 

 

I agree about the cool girl thing and perhaps on some level I’m doing it, but honestly it’s more that I also don’t want to jump in too quick. Far too many times I have and after a month I’m like “what am I doing?!” Hence why I said I felt like my hand was forced a bit. Basically I’d be asking to be exclusive because I saw that he might not be going in that direction. Had nothing been said about hiding his profile I wouldn’t care if he was on or even 100% that he might meet up with someone else as we already had established sexual exclusivity.

 

BULL

 

I mean NO disrespect, I'm being blunt with you because you gotta stop lying to yourself. People who dont care, dont care, theres no overthinking, theres no fear, you just live your life.

 

You keep moving the goal post.

 

I agree that perhaps I’m in murky waters of good enough to have fun with, but not a relationship, but I’m not sure how to test that out without asking for exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend titles-and at less than two months in that seems premature even for me. I understand time constraints would force the issue slightly sooner, but I was still trying to enjoy each outing and assuming it was our last unless he mentioned another date-which he always has.

 

I think my issue is like you said about the me wondering while he’s away for work. I’m very independent, almost to a fault and LOVE my me time so I’m perfectly fine with him gone as long as I had trust- which this incident kinda chinked that armor a little.

 

You already tested it, he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship with you. Right? Problem solved, you keep trying to put this on him but its completely up to you at this point.

 

Your 'hand was forced' because you knew, deep down, he didnt see things the way you did.

 

Sometimes the signs are there and honestly had you never asked him, Id be on the fence but you did. He told you. So again, you're moving the goal post. What did he tell you?

 

Prior to that It came up what he was looking for and he gave a not really sure/last gf left because I’m not around answer, but then I told him I was looking for a relationship. He offered up that he’d hid his dating apps (I guess it takes you out of the swipe sequence, you can still talk to matches but can’t get new ones) and wasn’t looking to meet anyone else (we had already agreed on sexual exclusivity).

 

He gave you his answer. You met on a dating website right? What are you looking for is a day one question, they even put it in profiles in many sites, your 'gut' was beatng you over the head that you were on different pages, when are you gonna listen? I say this all the time, people think men and women lie about this but most of the time, people will tell you if you simply ask. I have gotten a ton of "Im looking for a relationship" and Ive gotten a ton of "...oh I dont know..." and wishy washy answers but they are still answers. You gotta believe a person when they tell you the truth.

 

 

I honestly dont think the checking in is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things and like blue said, it could have automatically updated who knows, why is this such a big deal to you though? You arent boyfriend and girlfriend, you arent anything, and you say youre ok with it, so what boundaries are being placed? Look if youre ok with all this, be ok with it, no judgement, live your life, but if you arent you dont get to keep doing the same thing and complain when you dont get different results.

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Is this not you?

 

[/b]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BULL

 

I mean NO disrespect, I'm being blunt with you because you gotta stop lying to yourself. People who dont care, dont care, theres no overthinking, theres no fear, you just live your life.

 

You keep moving the goal post.

 

 

 

You already tested it, he told you he wasn't looking for a relationship with you. Right? Problem solved, you keep trying to put this on him but its completely up to you at this point.

 

Your 'hand was forced' because you knew, deep down, he didnt see things the way you did.

 

Sometimes the signs are there and honestly had you never asked him, Id be on the fence but you did. He told you. So again, you're moving the goal post. What did he tell you?

 

 

 

He gave you his answer. You met on a dating website right? What are you looking for is a day one question, they even put it in profiles in many sites, your 'gut' was beatng you over the head that you were on different pages, when are you gonna listen? I say this all the time, people think men and women lie about this but most of the time, people will tell you if you simply ask. I have gotten a ton of "Im looking for a relationship" and Ive gotten a ton of "...oh I dont know..." and wishy washy answers but they are still answers. You gotta believe a person when they tell you the truth.

 

 

I honestly dont think the checking in is that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things and like blue said, it could have automatically updated who knows, why is this such a big deal to you though? You arent boyfriend and girlfriend, you arent anything, and you say youre ok with it, so what boundaries are being placed? Look if youre ok with all this, be ok with it, no judgement, live your life, but if you arent you dont get to keep doing the same thing and complain when you dont get different results.

 

Nope, you’re right, that was me. I see now that I come across/am way needier than I’ve felt.

 

I have a lot of respect for your posts on here, so at the risk of sounding even more ignorant (I’m sorry) I think this is more about me than his actions.

 

Ultimately yes, I want a relationship and marriage. Do I want it with him is what I’m unsure of on any account. That’s what I meant when I said my hand felt forced in regards to asking him to be my bf if I were to ask him about it after this situation (though this situation doesn’t tip the scale in favor of yes).

 

when we had sexual exclusivity going and he then a week or so later said he wasn’t actively on the dating site I was happy. He’d just been on it over Christmas and I didn’t care because we never said we wouldn’t be. Without sexual exclusivity I was worried of the risk perhaps he’d meet up and have sex with other women. That trust that he wasn’t falsely made me feel safe and like we could take things at any pace until he left, when which I told him I wouldn’t continue in this gray dating area, a decision would have to be discussed. I said all of that AFTER I asked him what he was looking for and he agreed to that and then began talking about booking a vacation in a few months and more so have me meet his family (whom he told me he hadn’t said anything about me yet to)

 

The more I sit with it the more right you likely are that he told me no and just fluffed it up, but in that moment it was a relief that okay yes we weren’t ready to decide NOW, but having me potentially meet his family who he doesn’t tell much to was reassuring).

 

Having someone tell you one thing and do another always hurts no matter what. We are sexually exclusive and it bothers me because his words were along the lines of “I’ve hid my dating profile so I’m not actively looking to meet other people here.” Again, the overarching issue I have is that his feet didn’t match his actions and that’s the first time it’s happened. Basically he volunteered false info.

 

Seeing him on that site had me 50% at “well now I want commitment JUST because” and 50% at “ew you’ve tainted everything for me and now I kinda don’t want you.”

 

I’m not saying I’m not lying to myself or disagreeing with you, I’m just saying that sitting with myself now, that’s what it feels like. This situation has simultaneously made me want him more and not at all which is confusing and frankly doesn’t make much sense to me.

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I'm not clear what you believe he lied about.

 

Hiding his profile. And not using the apps. I’m

going to ask for what I need today and at least I’ll have my answer. My friends also reassured me that I can think about things for more than just the moments he’s here later and that if I’m not comfortable I don’t have to continue with sex. That makes me feel a bit less anxious.

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I am completely shocked that a potentially great relationship, could lead to anywhere, is now on the rocks because he logged into an app on his phone.

 

What do you KNOW?

1. You like him.

2. You just had a great discussion about maybe meeting his folks.

3. His location on an app has updated.

 

That’s it. That’s all you know. Everything else is just an assumption. A story you’ve created to terrorize yourself. So what if he logged on to his account? Maybe he was messaging someone back saying “sorry, not interested in our date anymore”. Maybe he logged in to see if you were on there? You could imagine a million scenarios. And you’ve even labeled him as a liar multiple times because of this!

 

I vote for delete YOUR app, because YOU want to focus on this relationship. Leave him be to do what HE wants to do. And if you both want the same thing, great. If not, then you know you were trying to put a round peg into a square hole and you can move on.

 

Such a tiny incident to make such a big deal of...

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