Too much communication?

[VivianLuna90]

Hello everyone.

 

I had a question concerning how much information is too much to share with your significant other?

 

For example I have been having lots of issues within my family and when something gets a little out of hand I tell my boyfriend about what happened and he gives me his honest opinion about it and I dont get mad even if his answer is like a harsh truth about my family. We share our opinions and I tell him what I agree and what I dont and he does the same and then we move along about our day and I feel better after letting it out. However, I do feel a little guilty about sharing my family matters with him Im not sure why. Maybe its because now he knows all the bad stuff that goes on? Or maybe Im afraid he will come to hate them in the future?

Is it a bad thing to share to much about your family matters with a significant other?

[LikeWater]

Sounds like a perfectly healthy level of communication between two people who trust and respect each other.

 

I don't know why you feel guilty; only you can know that.

[j.man]

Hello everyone.

 

I had a question concerning how much information is too much to share with your significant other?

 

For example I have been having lots of issues within my family and when something gets a little out of hand I tell my boyfriend about what happened and he gives me his honest opinion about it and I dont get mad even if his answer is like a harsh truth about my family. We share our opinions and I tell him what I agree and what I dont and he does the same and then we move along about our day and I feel better after letting it out. However, I do feel a little guilty about sharing my family matters with him Im not sure why. Maybe its because now he knows all the bad stuff that goes on? Or maybe Im afraid he will come to hate them in the future?

Is it a bad thing to share to much about your family matters with a significant other?

Hate them? Probably not. You're certainly running a significant risk of him not respecting them, though.

 

In life, there are two parties you can be near certain are going to be unashamedly biased in your favor: your partner and your family. In the vast majority of cases, it's going to be very much in your interest to keep those two copacetic with one another. Leaving either or both with bad tastes in their mouths is nearly always a recipe for drama, if not a disaster.

 

My wife and I are fortunate not to have to keep a tight lid on family matters for fear of it taking over our perspective of the people in each other's lives, but I do by and large still go by the rule that if I don't want two people to think badly of each other, I don't complain about one to the other.

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you already know intuitively that airing so much of your family's dirty laundry with your bf is not good. You are setting up a situation where he will either dislike your family or simply have zero respect for them and that's never a good thing. You have people who need to like and get along with each other and you are essentially making sure they don't.

 

If you really need to vent, better talk to a more distant friend who doesn't need to get along with your fam. Keep your bf out of that kind of drama and don't poison his well so to speak.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think it's healthy over time. This is coming from personal experience and you're free to disagree. Communication is important but learning to navigate your own personal emotions and issues regarding other relationships outside of your relationship together is critical. Overloading your partner with unnecessary information is not healthy in the long run if this is a long term relationship. I'm talking about years. How long have you been together?

 

Your desire to want to talk about yourself and get to know each other might be part of the newer stages in a relationship. Over time, you should be able to work through your own emotions independently without constantly turning to your partner for validation. The other members have already mentioned airing dirty laundry might not be in the best interests of everyone involved but I'm a bit more concerned about your independence and your emotional stability (being able to withstand or solve your own emotional turmoil/issues without constantly having to turn to someone for help). Checking in is fine and staying connected and aware of each others' lives is one thing but too much detail is another. It's a fine line, in my opinion, between sharing and oversharing.

 

Take care of yourself. You don't seem to me like you're taking enough time to take care of yourself if you're turning to your boyfriend in too many external matters. Try not to let your family get to you too much. It's difficult at times but possible. Practice healthy ways of maintaining boundaries. I hope you feel better about all this soon.

 

There's also a general idea out there that I try to remember when I'm about to say something negative or anything in general about someone in particular: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

[Cherylyn]

You're in a relationship. Whether girlfriend-boyfriend or marriage, it's only natural to be close enough to someone where you will express injustices done unto you or gripes about all sorts of family matters.

 

A significant other (SO) should be there for moral support because this is what a relationship is. Why be in a relationship (or in other cases a close friendship) where you cannot confide in a trusted person? That's what they're there for and you would do the same for your SO or spouse. Friendships, relationships and marriages are not all about what you only wish to hear such as only lightweight topics. If you're close to someone, you should feel safe enough to trust and confide in personal matters including family subjects.

 

Knowing bad stuff is a good thing. It's better than indifference and ignorance. Knowing the brutal truth is unpleasant but at least its the truth. Everyone tells their side of the story and a lot of people include info regarding wrongs, unfairness and disrespect thrust upon them.

 

How your boyfriend judges is his decision and I imagine he has compassion for your plight as should be.

 

However, I wouldn't bombard him with 'Debbie Downer' news all the time otherwise he will grow to resent you. He'll become sick 'n tired of your excessive complaints and whining. Make sure you don't over do it or he'll balk. There's only so much support a person can give before they explode from fatigue and repetition of rehashing the same gripes. Confide your family dirt in moderation.

[DestinCouple]

This sounds very healthy and my wife and I share everything (well, not everything ;) and this is especially true when it comes to the matters of the heart and what is bothering us.

 

Isn't it great that someone is there to listen to you. The right person that is, because we don't go and tell everyone, right?

 

 

My wife and I come from two different cultural and family backgrounds and family matters take up the most of our topics that are a challenge for us.

 

 

At the end of the day, your husband will look after you and should fight for you and it's great that you are letting him know about the family matters, because he wouldn't want you to not disclose that is going on in the family. You are number one to him, after all.

 

 

I guess, he will also have his own view when he sees your family in person as well. Would love to hear your feedback on this.

[VivianLuna90]

I don't think it's healthy over time. This is coming from personal experience and you're free to disagree. Communication is important but learning to navigate your own personal emotions and issues regarding other relationships outside of your relationship together is critical. Overloading your partner with unnecessary information is not healthy in the long run if this is a long term relationship. I'm talking about years. How long have you been together?

 

Your desire to want to talk about yourself and get to know each other might be part of the newer stages in a relationship. Over time, you should be able to work through your own emotions independently without constantly turning to your partner for validation. The other members have already mentioned airing dirty laundry might not be in the best interests of everyone involved but I'm a bit more concerned about your independence and your emotional stability (being able to withstand or solve your own emotional turmoil/issues without constantly having to turn to someone for help). Checking in is fine and staying connected and aware of each others' lives is one thing but too much detail is another. It's a fine line, in my opinion, between sharing and oversharing.

 

Take care of yourself. You don't seem to me like you're taking enough time to take care of yourself if you're turning to your boyfriend in too many external matters. Try not to let your family get to you too much. It's difficult at times but possible. Practice healthy ways of maintaining boundaries. I hope you feel better about all this soon."

 

I agree with what you're saying. We have been together for about 3 years now and plan to stay committed so I can definitely see this escalating in a not nice way. I do use my boyfriend for lots of validation and it is something Im looking to eliminate. I want to know how to be more emotionally independent like you say because you are right, Im not caring enough for my emotional well being.

[VivianLuna90]

However, I wouldn't bombard him with 'Debbie Downer' news all the time otherwise he will grow to resent you. He'll become sick 'n tired of your excessive complaints and whining. Make sure you don't over do it or he'll balk. There's only so much support a person can give before they explode from fatigue and repetition of rehashing the same gripes. Confide your family dirt in moderation.

 

Thats true. I do have a big tendency of being a Debbie Downer and a little clingy too. I learned to tone that down but I learned the hard way. My boyfriend was basically overloaded with my mental issues one day and he told me to please remember that he also needs someone to talk to too and that he also goes through tough times and its not always easy being everyone’s rock (as he is very helpful to his own family and friends.) This incident was much more turbulent than it sounds as he said that basically shouting because we were angry and he had reached his boiling point.

 

So yeah, I know I have plagued him too much in the past. Im looking to make a change from that though.

[VivianLuna90]

 

Isn't it great that someone is there to listen to you. The right person that is, because we don't go and tell everyone, right?

 

 

I guess, he will also have his own view when he sees your family in person as well. Would love to hear your feedback on this.

 

This is true. My boyfriend is a great listener, a quality I think I have abused. And he is also not afraid at all to be honest with me. He does seem to have an unbiased opinion about my problems. Sometimes hes on my side, sometimes he tries to make me see my family’s side. Like something I may have misunderstood.

 

Overall he gets along quite well with my family. For some reason that type of quarrel doesnt seem to get the best of his emotions or something, because he is still very respectful of everyone, although that is just kind of the way he is as a person too. He constantly tells me that I cant define the bond I have with someone just over some fights. He tells this to me especially because weve had lots of fights and he is a firm believer in not running away just cause things get really ugly.

 

That being said, I cant abuse his patience and I do need to stand up for myself and take control of my emotional independence like others have mentioned. Im just a little unsure how to do it.

[SherrySher]

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you have.

 

If this is your husband or fiancee, than it's perfectly normal as you both share a family due to marriage and talking things through as a couple is healthy.

 

However, if this is a boyfriend, than yes, you're oversharing.

[catfeeder]

I try to keep in mind when confiding in one person about another that I'm setting the tone of their future with one another should I ever wish for them to meet and get along.

 

I also recognize that the message I send when I complain about others is, "Yeah, I'll be complaining to someone else about YOU, too, whenever you do something I don't like."

 

I'd rather cultivate trust in my loved ones that I'm capable of discretion and problem-solving on my own. In cases where I have a situation to work out with a friend, I'll take it to someone twice removed who will never have an emotional investment in the outcome.

[Gary Snyder]

You and your boyfriend are your primary family.