I asked my boyfriend not to watch porn. Am I wrong?

[regretgirl]

So the other day my boyfriend and I were casually talking and somehow we got on the topic of masturbation. He made a comment that he masturbated three times the day before which kind of shocked me. So I playfully asked him "what had you turned on so much?" and he said watching porn...

 

Now I appreciate his honesty and I've always assumed that my boyfriend watches porn sometimes and it never really bothered me. But hearing him actually say it and imagining him actually looking at other naked girls upset me in that moment. I know it's not a serious offence and quite normal for guys, but considering we've had our share of problems in bed that were being ignored, I wasn't too happy about it.

 

We ended up having a big argument over this and in the end he agreed that he would hate it if I was touching myself while looking at other men and he is going to stop watching it. He said "It's not like it'll be hard for me to stop. You're more than enough to think about" and now he goes out of his way to tell me fantasies he has about me. We haven't spoken about it since.

 

Now here's where my problem comes in... Please tell me if I'm overthinking this.

 

I think people are naturally more drawn to things they can't have. Before this argument, porn was probably a casual thing he didn't give much thought into but now it's suddenly "forbidden" and there's "boundaries" so it's more exciting. I don't want to be the boring option that he's forced to think about all the time. I want him to think about me because I turn him on, not out of obligation.

 

Basically I got what I wanted and he was super understanding but I'm wondering if it will last. I don't think he'd ever actually cheat, so do you think I was wrong to give him these boundaries?

 

If so, do you think I should I tell him it's okay to watch it now even though we had such a long discussion over it?? He'll think I'm so unstable changing my mind back and forth about this.

 

I truly feel deep down that he will watch it again at some point, but the only difference is he just wont tell me next time. Should I bring it up again? Really what bothers me more is him saying he's not watching it but he actually is! I don't want him to get into the habit of thinking it's okay to say one thing and do another.

 

If you have any advice or insight please let me know. I realize this isn't the most serious topic but it's troubling me at the moment.

[rosephase]

Wow, you have really made a mess of this for yourself. You've given this poor dude no right answers.

 

Personally? I think it's silly to tell other people (even partners) what they can and can not get off to. You are such a ball of worry about it that you are both worried that he will only think of you AND that he will do it behind your back. If I were you I would focus on your insecurities and stop worry about what he does with his free time. If you want to fix your sex life work on that. If you want more reassurance from him work on that. If you don't want him to lie and hide things from you don't ask him too.

 

I will tell you this, no matter how loving and well meaning he is there is almost 0 chance that he will never look at porn again.

[ThatwasThen]

Basically I got what I wanted and he was super understanding but I'm wondering if it will last.

You don't like this guy much, do you? You have him jumping through hoops. He accommodated you and now you're wondering if it will last so you're still on him about it even if you're not voicing it to him.

 

What other "problems" were you having in bed that were being ignored? I think you have more problems in general in this relationship then him watching porn, him stopping to watch porn and you wondering will it last. Gah!

[regretgirl]

You don't like this guy much, do you? You have him jumping through hoops. He accommodated you and now you're wondering if it will last so you're still on him about it even if you're not voicing it to him.

 

What other "problems" were you having in bed that were being ignored? I think you have more problems in general in this relationship then him watching porn, him stopping to watch porn and you wondering will it last. Gah!

 

I don't think I have him "jumping through hoops." I felt uncomfortable, I expressed how uncomfortable I was, and offered a solution which he agreed to. I haven't been "on him" since the argument.

 

It's just that now that I've had time to think about it, I don't realistically think he won't ever watch it for the rest of his life haha.

 

Basically I'm wondering if I should bring it up again and say it's fine to watch it? Or would that just be so weird? I realize I over analyze everything. Not my strong suit.

[regretgirl]

^ And really, there aren't any other general problems in the relationship besides sex.

 

He's barely in the mood with me even though I've never pressured him to have sex. So when I heard that he's masturbating multiple times a day but not doing anything with me, it bothered me!

[ThatwasThen]

Why don't you try a compromise of you watching it together?

 

What are the problems you are having in bed?

[Helpmesavethis]

Watch it together. Have him tell you what about it turns him on... Do that to/with him. Spice it up to make it better and maybe eventually he won't want/need to watch porn because he'll naturally think of you. My ex used to masturbate a the time and tell me about it. I'd send him pictures and/or videos to use to think of me while doing it.... He loved it.

[Seraphim]

I would advise against sending ANYONE pics or videos. More than once that's been used against people when they break up .

[ThatwasThen]

I would advise against sending ANYONE pics or videos. More than once that's been used against people when they break up .

Totally agree.

[Snny]

in the end he agreed that he would hate it if I was touching myself while looking at other men and he is going to stop watching it. He said "It's not like it'll be hard for me to stop. You're more than enough to think about" and now he goes out of his way to tell me fantasies he has about me. We haven't spoken about it since.

You're completely ok with him policing what you do with your OWN body, and vice versa? Be careful what you wish for. This will eventually come back and bite you on the arse.

 

I don't think he'd ever actually cheat, so do you think I was wrong to give him these boundaries?

There's a fine line between setting boundaries and controlling people. A controlling person is someone who doesn't respect someone else's boundaries. Violating another person's boundaries is not the same as asserting your own. In this case, you are violating your boyfriend's body by telling him what he cannot do to it. That isn't your right. His body does not belong to you.

 

Asserting boundaries doesn't mean violating other people - it means not letting people violate you. You mentioned that he isn't cheating on you, so how exactly is he "violating" you relationship by self-relieving himself? They make a demand of you, and you say "I don't want to." Controlling would be saying "I don't care if you don't want to, you're going to do it." You basically told your boyfriend this over watching porn, giving him zero choice or compromise of how he relieves stress or pressure.

 

Men and women have different sexual needs. You aren't taking this into consideration either.

 

Boundaries are defensive, controlling is offensive. Any time you are saying "no," it's a boundary. Any time you're saying "you must," it's controlling.

 

Itruly feel deep down that he will watch it again at some point, but the only difference is he just wont tell me next time. Should I bring it up again? Really what bothers me more is him saying he's not watching it but he actually is! I don't want him to get into the habit of thinking it's okay to say one thing and do another.

"Hey honey, did you wank off this morning?"

 

I'm sure that question will get you so far, asking about someone's private business! LOL that is so embarrassing and awkward as hell. By doing such, you seriously come off:

 

1. Obsessive.

2. Hyper Controlling.

3. Ultra insecure.

 

None of which are remotely attractive.

[Snny]

My ex used to masturbate a the time and tell me about it. I'd send him pictures and/or videos to use to think of me while doing it.... He loved it.

Ever heard of Revenge Porn? Are you really suggesting the OP does this and risks her professional reputation? Not a smart idea.

[regretgirl]

"Hey honey, did you wank off this morning?" I'm sure that question will get you so far.

 

Haha, I didn't mean "bring it up again" to interrogate him on whether he masturbated. I meant should I bring it up and say I overreacted and I'm okay with him watching it?

 

In all honesty, he seems completely on board with all of this. When I brought it up he agreed without hesitation and he's been giving me more sexual attention since. Yesterday he texted me and said "Last night I was (explicit words) while thinking about you and it felt so intense. Getting turned on by you is the only way, I don't have any intention on watching porn again baby." Then he proceeded to tell me this long fantasy which is too graphic to post. He said this without me prompting him or asking for reassurance whatsoever. I just don't think months and months will pass without him getting the urge to watch it.

 

My main question here is should I discuss this again with him in a more realistic way? And if so, what to say.

[Snny]

He may seem "completely on board" with it, but how do you really know for sure that he's following his word? It's so easy to delete web history of particular sites or hide/rename computer files. And if you had a "big" argument, he's going to say whatever you want to hear to get you off his back because you've backed him into a corner.

 

In my experience if you don't offer any reasonable compromise with people, they start going against you behind your back. You can't expect someone to give up a habit/routine instantly.

 

He may seem ok, but he may resent you for controlling his body later on. Be prepared for it.

[ThatwasThen]

^ And really, there aren't any other general problems in the relationship besides sex.

 

He's barely in the mood with me even though I've never pressured him to have sex. So when I heard that he's masturbating multiple times a day but not doing anything with me, it bothered me!

Sorry, missed this while I was posting. If he's masturbating three times a day to porn and isn't keeping you happy then it's more like an addiction then a pastime to relieve tension.

 

If it's an addiction then I can guarantee you that he won't stop but will just hide it from you better. How has your sex life been since he told you he would stop?

[regretgirl]

Right. How to find the middle ground?

[ThatwasThen]

Right. How to find the middle ground?

 

How long have you been together?

[regretgirl]

How long have you been together?

 

for 11 months

[ThatwasThen]

for 11 months

 

Still basically in the honeymoon stage where you can't keep your hands off of one another and he's jerking off to porn instead? He's telling you who he is... believe him.

 

Dating is to find out if who you like is someone you can spend the rest of your life with. How does not having someone want you sexually sound as a lifetime?

 

Has he initiated more since he promised to stop viewing and masturbating to porn?

[regretgirl]

How does not having someone want you sexually sound as a lifetime?

 

Sounds like utter sh**.

 

Has he initiated more since he promised to stop viewing and masturbating to porn?

 

He has, but there's been some problems down below. Difficulty staying erect, trouble getting fully in the mood, etc. Seems like he gets more turned on thinking about me than actually being with me. Just to add, I'm very physically fit so I don't think it's an unattraction issue. Not sure if he's so accustomed to porn than real life feels strange to him.

[ThatwasThen]

Sounds like utter sh**.

 

 

 

He has, but there's been some problems down below. Difficulty staying erect, trouble getting fully in the mood, etc. Seems like he gets more turned on thinking about me than actually being with me. Just to add, I'm very physically fit so I don't think it's an unattraction issue. Not sure if he's so accustomed to porn than real life feels strange to him.

 

He's used to getting off to his own hand, his speed, his control.

 

Sorry!

[Lola13]

I don't like to be with men who watch porn - personal preference and they are out there. What you need to figure out is whether or not this is a compatibility issue. If this issue is a deal breaker for you I'd suggest finding someone who holds the same opinions on the subject as you from the outset. Time will tell as to whether he will continue to watch it but from my experience, the more you try to change people the more they begin hiding things and doing it anyway. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. Honestly easier to be morally compatible from the outset. Good luck!

[regretgirl]

Update: Foolishly, since the consensus here was that porn is normal and he will watch anyway, I sent him a pretty long message and basically told him it's okay if he watches it and I don't want to be controlling.

 

He responded that he "wasn't going to anyway" and just seemed completely over the situation and not interested in talking. I feel so embarrassed for bringing this up AGAIN and basically telling him he can watch it even though it still doesn't make me comfortable. I should have just not said anything and trusted him from the start. I feel worse now and so f*** ing stupid...

[CharlesC07]

I think porn watching for both parties in a relationship is normal and expected. If it makes you uncomfortable that he does it, try watching with him sometime. If you like watching porn too from time to time, pick a video or something you like as well and have him watch with you. Exploring each others fantasies together can be a healthy thing. My wife and I both watch porn occasionally and we have our own little kinks. We are more aware of each others likes and dislikes because of this and it helps in the bedroom. Now don't get me wrong, there is a point when it can be unhealthy. Especially if porn becomes a substitute for the real thing and your physical relationship suffers because of it. That is a problem. But we are human and fantasy at some level is normal. Be careful trying to dictate what he watches and what he is allowed to fanasize about though. That is a really easy way to breed resentment.