I feel like I'm not a good person

[sidart]

We have been living together for about 6 months now. And while I have been happy for this time, I have felt quite drained and down.

 

I found her really lovely to begin with, she would write me little notes and we were having a great time.

 

But one issue that came up early on was that she would always mention her ex. Certain places she would hate and mention about him. Or sometimes she would say things like 'I'm so happy, my ex never let me do things like this

 

Another issue that kept coming up was money, and dates. She was expecting me to pay for everything. When I asked her if she could start paying abit more she agreed but said it was how she was brought up by her family...

 

It got to a point where she would kick off at me and a while later would mention it was something that reminded her of the ex.

 

It started getting me down and 1 I felt like I was being used, and 2 I felt like we had rushed into a relationship before her ex was in the past.

 

I ended up saying I want to end it. I was getting miserable. We talked about her going to therapy for some of the things that obviously hurt her in a past relationship.

 

A week later we had some space and we agreed to talk.

 

It was horrible. I was telling her how I feel. She got angry and started swearing then just blatantly ignoring me.

 

She then went on to say that she talks about her ex a normal amount and that it is my problem for letting it get to me. It was definitely a thing mentioned once a week on average.

She also says that she can't plan or pay for dates because she is not an organised person and that she has to save to go on holiday next year. And that she didn't ask me to plan those dates so it's my fault for doing it.

 

Deep down I feel like I've really tried my best and then some. But it feels like if I have an issue (and there's only these two) I'm left thinking that I'm being super hard on her and I should just deal with it?

 

Do you think I need to improve on myself?

[MissCanuck]

How long have you been together? And how long before that had she broken up with her ex?

 

I would also be concerned at how often she mentions him, be it out of admiration or hate. The fact is that he is still very much in her mind and she hasn't closed that chapter, in my point of view. You're not being hard on her about that. She is in denial about it.

 

As far as paying on dates - does she work? How did you two sort out living expenses?

 

It sounds like there were a lot of things you two didn't talk about before moving in.

[Tallfool]

It sounds like you are a good person and that she is emotionally manipulating you, and when you don't like it because its making you feel upset, it's your fault, and then she gets angry at you. Sounds like bullying is going on.

 

"I was telling her how I feel. She got angry and started swearing then just blatantly ignoring me."

 

Comparing you to her old relationships, giving you a gauge of expectation you have to meet doensnt sound healthy. I think she believes that you will be there to walk over, whether or not she is conscious of this or not I don't know, but she has mechanisms that she employs to subdue your expressions of concerns i.e with anger and abusive language to then just ignoring you.

Try explainging to her that her way of talking about your concerns are making things worse and not being constructive.

I'm guessing you want to be comforted, not sworn at. Also have your relationship viewed in it's solitary merit, not one that is constantly compared and measured to previous ones - because it sounds like she is using a previous relationship to try and keep you in her check - for better or worse

 

"But one issue that came up early on was that she would always mention her ex. Certain places she would hate and mention about him. Or sometimes she would say things like 'I'm so happy, my ex never let me do things like this ", it's like she's saying to you, you're doing well at this juncture / you're doing badly.

Try and work it out, but don't become trapped before you realise it.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating before you lived together? How long after her breakup did you start dating. It seems you've identified the real issue. She wasn't ready to date and certainly not move in together.

 

It sounds like nothing important (such as money, household organization, etc.) was discussed before jumping into living together. There is way too much focus on this ex thing and the bigger problem of being incompatible got lost in the shuffle.Whose idea was it to do that? The best recourse is to move out. Unfortunately, you probably have to end it. You're both miserable at this point and neither of you is going to fix it it.

We have been living together for about 6 months now.

 

Another issue that kept coming up was money

 

I felt like we had rushed into a relationship

[SherrySher]

she talks about her ex a normal amount

 

A normal amount? No one talks about their ex, period. Past is past and no reason to even bring them up..ever.

 

She also says that she can't plan or pay for dates because she is not an organised person and that she has to save to go on holiday next year. And that she didn't ask me to plan those dates so it's my fault for doing it.

 

Completely selfish. She doesn't mind going on these dates and handing you the bill but would rather use her own money for a vacation and then blame you if you bring up the subject of cost sharing.

That is a jerk right there!

 

It's not you, it's her. She sounds immature and selfish and self centered.

You two are incompatible...it's not going to work.

[sidart]

Thanks guys I really needed to hear all this. I tried to end it before for the same reasons and then felt guilty about it.

 

She says things like 'none of my family think I have a problem. And all my friends talk about their exes with their partner's

 

I was starting to think I was being crazy.

 

She wanted to try again and I put my foot down about putting in more effort with dates and she got angry and moved out.

 

I just wish she would understand and stop being so selfish

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, she's not going to change. Jump for joy that this self-centered, immature diva moved out. This is the most absurd hearsay defense. Do not allow gaslighting and bs like this.

She says things like 'none of my family think I have a problem. And all my friends talk about their exes with their partner's

[Annia]

She's emotionally manipulative. And if she doesn't even see the issues as problems that affect you negatively, gaslights you and gets mad at you when you express your concerns, then she won't ever change and you're losing your time. Let her find someone who doesn't mind paying for everything and her mentioning the ex too much (no, it's not appropriate to talk about the ex every week).

 

Also, you shouldn't have moved in with her if there were these economical incompatibilities and conflicts and without defining finances and household organisation before. It seems like you two rushed.

 

You need to at least move out. Stop being her doormat. You're not a bad person for being unhappy and wanting to break up because your concerns are not heard or respected.

[sidart]

When I last spoke to her it felt like I was talking to her mother. She is the same, everybody else is a problem and she is perfect.

[sidart]

And thanks again. I don't have any family here where I live to talk to (I live overseas) you've definitely helped

[Keyman]

Unfortunately, she's not going to change. Jump for joy that this self-centered, immature diva moved out. This is the most absurd hearsay defense. Do not allow gaslighting and bs like this.

 

I agree totally with Wiseman, this narcissistic behaviour, with the gaslighting and self serving arguments. Her goal all along has been to make you feel bad about yourself, it is her way to lift herself out of her own self deprecating thoughts.

 

As you have already stood up to her, I think you have already done what is required and got rid of her.

[RayofLighten]

It honestly sounds like she is not over her ex. If she was she wouldn't feel the need to mention him all the time. He is clearly on her mind allot. I would definitely call time on your relationship, if only for a while and only if she agrees to work on her issues. If she refuses then it's the end of the road i'm afraid. Things will only get worse from here on out.

[Gary Snyder]

If she's going on-and-on about her ex and talking negative about him, she could be on the rebound and not ready for a new relationship. Once a week is too much. Once in a blue moon would be okay.

 

- About you paying for dates - does she do anything special for you in return? Rub your back? buy you little things? buy show or movie tickets? Cook your favorite meal? Anything?

Men often pay for dates, it's normal.

[Rose Mosse]

I agree with everyone..you do deserve to be treated a bit better than this.

 

On the ex issue:

If you do want to give her a chance and grow together, she should be understanding of your views. She might have felt cornered or defensive based on your language. Try to neutralize your language as much as possible if you are finding that you want to preserve the relationship.

 

On the money issue:

I would refrain at this point bringing up anything about money in specific situations (smaller situations like dates etc). Think bigger. You may be planning for your future together but she's ...planning for a vacation? (It doesn't sound like this vacation involves you either or does it?) Your priorities may not be in sync financially. Try and visualize where you see yourself in the next year financially, five years, ten years. Work upwards and forwards. You may be experiencing some personal growth and realizing that you're more of a planner than she is. She may be experiencing growth in other areas. This is not uncommon in relationships where one partner may be more savvy in some areas and another partner is better or quicker in other areas. Generally your outlook and values should correspond and be in sync. Be more realistic about your strengths and weaknesses. There's a give and take in all relationships.

 

If you feel she's not really growing or you're outgrowing her, you might have some difficult decisions ahead of you but I'd encourage you to try to be as neutral and fair as possible. Don't blame her for her flaws. Live and let live and move on knowing what's best for you and where you're headed.

[catfeeder]

She wanted to try again and I put my foot down about putting in more effort with dates and she got angry and moved out.

 

Good. I'd change the locks and be done with this.

 

Head high.

[Annia]

I agree with everyone..you do deserve to be treated a bit better than this.

 

On the ex issue:

If you do want to give her a chance and grow together, she should be understanding of your views. She might have felt cornered or defensive based on your language. Try to neutralize your language as much as possible if you are finding that you want to preserve the relationship.

 

On the money issue:

I would refrain at this point bringing up anything about money in specific situations (smaller situations like dates etc). Think bigger. You may be planning for your future together but she's ...planning for a vacation? (It doesn't sound like this vacation involves you either or does it?) Your priorities may not be in sync financially. Try and visualize where you see yourself in the next year financially, five years, ten years. Work upwards and forwards. You may be experiencing some personal growth and realizing that you're more of a planner than she is. She may be experiencing growth in other areas. This is not uncommon in relationships where one partner may be more savvy in some areas and another partner is better or quicker in other areas. Generally your outlook and values should correspond and be in sync. Be more realistic about your strengths and weaknesses. There's a give and take in all relationships.

 

If you feel she's not really growing or you're outgrowing her, you might have some difficult decisions ahead of you but I'd encourage you to try to be as neutral and fair as possible. Don't blame her for her flaws. Live and let live and move on knowing what's best for you and where you're headed.

 

I think she sounds borderline abusive (at least very manipulative)... I think that him avoiding subjects that annoy her or accepting her unwillingness to pay and plan for dates and then gaslight him/berate him when he expresses his dissatisfaction is a good idea. I don't think he should be treating her with kid gloves just to placate her. Besides, there's a strong possibility that he's more like a rebound for her or at least a way of compensating for the pain her relationship with the ex caused. And if she's not willing to listen or show empathy when he talks openly about how he's feeling, then the chances of her caring about how he feels about these issues or meeting him at least halfway are even smaller if he avoids difficult subjects and tries to placate her and not disturb her.