Ghosted??

[Ruggycole]

Right, I've had two dates set up recently and BOTH ghosted me/just stopped replying to me the day before our date. So the first girl, i was actually talking to for about 2 weeks and she was the one that asked me on a date after the first week, so i suggested a few things to do and she just wouldn't give me any clues, so i said id take her to dinner and she said she doesn't like eating on a first date, so i suggested driving to her and we could go for a drink or something and she just kept saying she doesn't mind. So i asked what time she wanted to meet and she just stopped replying.

 

The second girl, i only spoke to for 2 days, i asked her on a date, she suggested going to a place near her which was fine. Yesterday she said she'd let me know if she's free for a date for tonight, but never got back to me, i sent a follow up message simply saying, let me know if you're free, if not we'll sort out another day and she's just blanked me.

 

Now If they changed their minds for whatever reason, thats fine, but surely its common courtesy to at least let me know?? Just wanted to see if this happens regularly in the dating world and why people do this?! I think its very rude to just ignore someone after setting up a date.

 

Thanks,

Rob

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like they are meeting a bunch of people or just plain flaky. Are you setting up a low key lunch/coffee type thing after a few text exchanges within a week or so? Yeah, ask them to suggest a place, date and time. Make sure it's a bit in advance then send a confirmation text on the day of.

 

Even then it can just be a crap shoot to avoid the flakes. Yes it's rude not to cancel. Did they stand you up?

the first girl, i was actually talking to for about 2 weeks and she was the one that asked me on a date after the first week. I think its very rude to just ignore someone after setting up a date.

[Ruggycole]

Both were evening dates, probably dinner/drinks kinda thing. I think you're right, I've been unlucky and and found 2 flaky girls! Well after a week of chatting, the first girl actually asked me out, the second girl i asked out after chatting for 2 days, but we talked for quite a while.

[cantgiveup]

Yes it happens regularly to everyone. Younger girls (under 27 or so) will do it way more frequently.

 

Are you meeting them online? If so the best bet is to chat a bit on the site or app, then set up a date there in as few messages as possible. What I always do is tell a few jokes, then tell them if they want to hear more jokes they have to hear them in person. Once you establish a little comfort, set the date, then either ask for their number or send them yours.

 

If you're meeting them IRL, same thing, chat, be funny, get their number, hangout for a little while, then have somewhere to go, say goodbye, and text them the next day to set a date.

 

I wouldn't recommend dinner, too expensive for a first date. Also I would only have 1 or maybe two drinks and then wrap the date up. Know your town and have a bar/cafe/coffee shop picked out on the North, South, East and West sides of town. Find out what part of town she's in and pick a place in that quadrant. Know the hours of the place. Don't ask her what she wants to do. Don't wait for her to suggest something. Say "Let's meet up" or "we should meet up", then say "I could make XYZ evening work". Even if you're not make it seem like your busy, that's why you say i can/could make XYZ night work.

 

Negotiate the date, it's probably best to shoot for a day M-F right after work within 6-8pm. Just pick one of those days and times and ask her to meet you then. Most girls would already be doing something with friends Fri, Sat, or Sun, but you can go with one of those if that's when she says she's free. If she proposes a different day, say something like "let me check my calendar maybe I can move a few things around". Then wait a bit and agree to her day/time. Make sure it's within the minimum amount of days possible. Preferably the next day or within 3 days max. The longer you wait the higher the chance they flake. Also pick the place yourself, once she agrees to meet and you get the day/time, say "ok cool meet me at XYZ bar at XYZ time on XYZ day. If she counters steer back to your idea gently, and don't cave unless she insists. If she insists on dinner at a fancy restaurant I would probably just pass.

 

In between, don't text them a whole bunch. Text every other day max and don't get into long conversations. Tell some jokes, be funny, act like your busy even if you're not (it's better if you actually are). You don't want them to get bored texting you before you ever meet. If they ask questions, say as little as possible, or just dodge the question and tell them that you like getting to know people in person. You could always add them to your FB at this point, but don't do this after the until the date is set. This way they are comfortable with you but you still seem busy and slightly mysterious.

 

After that, text them on the day of the date and confirm, something like "we're still good for tonight at 7 right?" If they don't respond consider the date cancelled and move on to the next. No matter what a certain percentage will flake, so it's just a matter of numbers, get enough numbers and you'll go on dates.

[DanZee]

Well, how many times did you follow up with them? When my wife is out and about and she texts me, I swear I don't get some of them even though she says she sent them. If she's in a weak signal area, the message can get hung up. I don't suggest following the ping-pong approach. If you send someone a text, and they don't answer, don't immediately assume they ghosted you. I would say to send two or three more follow up messages. Hey, they don't know you, so there's no embarrassment there. Just say, hey, I missed you last night. I wanted to take you out. How about tonight?

 

Oh, another thing, a lot of girls don't know what they want to do on a date. I always hated it when dates had no suggestions on what to do. You need to ask people where they go on their dates and draw up a list. Asking girls out on dates also means you've got to be the entertainment director, at least until you figure out that your dates like. It's par for the course.

[Honeycomb8]

Lots of people are flakey these days. It's def not about you.

 

Head up and try again!

[DancingFool]

If you are starting out with them online, it's pretty much par for the course. When someone drops contact, you just have to assume that they've lost interest and move on.

 

You really have to have thick skin for dating and not take things personally. Only pay serious attention to those where you have the date nailed down, meaning date/time/place locked in and they have confirmed with you that they'll be there. Anything less than that and you need to take any potential with a grain of salt...a big one.....

 

Also, do be careful about a lot of emailing back and forth. Matches who are ready and serious about meeting someone will lose interest in too much e-talking without a concrete date nailed down and plenty of other guys will get ahead of you. Typically, matches who have issues, problems with trust are the ones who need a lot of communication before you meet and that alone is a red flag that you are dealing with a person who is maybe too raw to be dating, too insecure, or otherwise is likely to flake on you due to their own unresolved issues.

[figureitout23]

I'm going to guess you got attached to one or maybe both of these girls.

 

I say that simply because flakiness is just part of online dating. Fizzling is an incredibly common occurance

 

If you're disappointed about 2 week girl, understandable. Try not to spend that much time chatting as it can cause you to develop a false attachment.

 

If it's not that if it's that you're generally bothered by flaking well online dating might not be for you and that's ok it's not for everyone

[purplepaisley]

I don't agree with the "so busy" and having other plans after the date and "check my calendar" and "move things around" routine. Sorry, but I've been down the "busy" path, and I'm not interested in it. I would not recommend going too deep on that "better things to do" angle. Fine if you are a little busy and have other activities, that's good, but you don't want to come across as being so busy, spending time with him will be a challenge. I think a weeknight is good if you feel you need an end time because we all have to be rested for work and obligations, but on a weekend, if the date goes well, it's nice to have the opportunity to extend the evening. Having another plan has a feel of not really interested, but also, the date didn't go well so an exit strategy is on the books, which could still be utilized, but don't put it on the forefront. I'll squeeze you in between X and Y.

 

Also, every other day or no contact until the date is a lot. All day, every day is a lot, but touching base daily and keeping that momentum is fine...keep her excited. I think you do have to try to mirror their texting style because lack of text could come off as lack of interest. I've communicated with a few guys who don't text much, and that's fine, except that with that behavior, I have found them to be flakes, ghost, stand me up, so I admit I have a bit of a negative reaction and expectation when you don't hear from them, so I guess my thought is to do what feels best. Don't blow up her phone, and definitely state you're not a huge texter if you need to, but put some time and effort into maintaining that excitement as well.

 

Ghosting is quite normal and unfortunate. You'll get a feel for behaviors and potential flakes, like a gut feeling. You just gotta keep on trying. I do agree to set up a date sooner over later, even if that date has to wait a few days. Have some places in mind as well for coffee/drinks, and a couple ideas on what to do after if the date goes well. Don't plan Friday and then not know what to do. Suggest a drink at X or Y at 7, 8, and if she has another idea, she can volley that back.

[troo2]

Here's a tip.

 

When you ask a girl out on a date and she just says she will let you know that day, don't just go along with that.

 

Next time just say - "Ok, well once you know your schedule just get back to me and we can schedule for another time. It would be great to see you."

 

Then just walk away and do your own thing. No point in having to wait around all week for someone who may not end up even showing up.

[Ruggycole]

Thanks everyone, to answer a few of your questions. Yes this is online dating, i do try and set up a date/exchange phone numbers in the first day but often some girls don't like this and say its too soon for a date ext, which is fine. Regarding setting up dates, when i ask someone out i will suggest a few things, i don't leave it up to them to suggest ideas, but this particular girl just kept batting everything i suggested away even though SHE asked ME on the date. Never mind, onwards and upwards, thanks all!! :)

[catfeeder]

Why not just set up quick meets for a few minutes over coffee to check one another out? If either wants to invite the other for a real date after that, send a message. Otherwise, just keep meeting the next person until you strike simpatico.

[troo2]

Thanks everyone, to answer a few of your questions. Yes this is online dating, i do try and set up a date/exchange phone numbers in the first day but often some girls don't like this and say its too soon for a date ext, which is fine. Regarding setting up dates, when i ask someone out i will suggest a few things, i don't leave it up to them to suggest ideas, but this particular girl just kept batting everything i suggested away even though SHE asked ME on the date. Never mind, onwards and upwards, thanks all!! :)

 

I totally know what you mean. I even have a friend that is a girl and she is like this. It is incredibly annoying. She invites you out, you suggest where to go, and she says completely the opposite and everything has to be according to what she wants..

 

So my best response is "I had a pretty tough week and will be staying in tonight. If you feel like coming over here you are more than welcome. It would be great to see you. Let me know if you change your mind."

 

 

It's way better to focus instead on someone who makes dating easy, who pretty much opens all the doors and you just need to walk through them....

[9006]

In my experience people who do this (Guys and girls) have found someone else. It's like you're good enough until I find someone better. Of course this may no be the entire reason, they could have chickened out last minute or something, but I'm always skeptical.

 

I'd just forget it and carry on.