Should I end this?

[StephJay86]

Hello. I am looking for advice. I tend to keep my relationship very private from family and friends, and I have no one else to turn to but I am having a really hard time right now and would really appreciate any advice you can give without being too judgmental. Here it goes.......

 

I'm 32, hes 24.. I met my boyfriend of 7 months while working as a stripper. He was also a stripper. Yes, I know. It sounds stupid and crazy. I never would have considered dating someone like this, but things just happened. We talked for about a year and developed an unimaginably GREAT chemistry. I felt like he was someone I knew my entire life, like best friends and someone I was able to 100% be myself with. Physically, sexually, emotionally, we just clicked, and I never had that before. At first he just wanted a FWB situation, but I did not. So I feel like under pressure, he agreed to be in a relationship with me.

 

Well, after 4 months I found out he cheated with a girl from the strip club (no shocker). I have been cheated on before and giving someone a second chance is NEVER something I agreed with and have never done. But he promised to quit dancing(which was a second job and money he used to put away in savings), he deleted all of his social media, and decided he wanted to dedicate himself to a SERIOUS relationship and do anything and everything he could for "us". He said he did not realize what he had, and that I was the greatest woman he ever met. He shed many tears and was VERY sorry for what he did. He said he did not realize what a good thing he had, and that he only wanted to be with me. He begged for another chance. At first it was a hell no... but then I thought about it, and with him willing to give things up for me, I decided to give him another chance. I also realized that I WAS with a male entertainer... and although it is not fair to generalize... I should have thought about the risks involved and known what I was getting myself into. We both quit dancing.

 

It has been 2 months. He has been faithful and stuck with is promises. However, things quite haven't been the same. We have been fighting a LOT... mainly because I do not trust him. He is also terrible at communicating. Little disagreements or issues that should be resolved by talking, compromising and acting like adults turn into huge fights where he comes verbally abusive and mean.

 

We are also constantly fighting over his new video game obsession. He plays his video game for hours during the day, and lots of nights I am going to bed by myself because he is up all night playing video games. He wants to be able to play video games all night almost every night. I told him this makes me feel lonely and neglected... but his response is that he gave all these things up for me and I want to treat him like a slave and at least he is at home and not out at clubs. Also, everything bothers me and I always find something to complain about. I do not mind video games. I play them too. All I ask of the guy is to not let me go to bed alone every night. So his solution is that he will come to bed with me on the nights that he has to work early, but all other nights he is playing all night. If you ask me, it's childish.... but then again I made the decision to be with someone much younger.

 

In typing this, and reading what I am saying.... I feel very stupid. I honestly at one point felt like I met my soul mate and the love of my life. I can't begin to explain how amazing our connection was. He came to the US from another country to work and save money, so he could go back home and make a good life. However, he decided to stay here with me and wants to build a future here with me. He had to spend a good chunk of his savings account after he quit dancing too. He also spent $2,000.00 on plane tickets to fly me back to his country and meet his family this month. He did sacrifice a lot and make a lot of changes for the relationship.... but that doesn't mean he never needs to do anything for the relationship again. Relationships are always going to be work... to some extent.

 

I honestly feel like an idiot because I don't know what to do. Can someone please help me? Should I stay in this relationship or should I leave?

[shellyf62]

Once trust is broken in a relationship it is very hard to get it back.

 

In my opinion "once a cheat always a cheat". He did it once so knows how to do it. Did he confess or did you find out yourself?

 

I really think this relationship has run its course. Him cheating and being verbally abusive & mean to you is a good indication he has no respect for you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but it sounds like great sexual chemistry but very little else. He will return to his country when he is ready, so consider this short term.

 

Why are you sleeping at his place when he is playing video games? Go home. If he is camping out at your place this much tell him to go home if all he does is play video games. You have control over this but seem desperate for some sort of warm body.

 

He doesn't respect you. The cheating and verbal abuse are just symptoms of that bigger picture. Stop babysitting and end it so you can find someone more stable, mature and compatible..

I'm 32, hes 24.. I met my boyfriend of 7 months while working as a stripper.

We have been fighting a LOT... mainly because I do not trust him.

turn into huge fights where he comes verbally abusive and mean.

He wants to be able to play video games all night almost every night.

He came to the US from another country to work and save money, so he could go back home and make a good life.

[Hollyj]

I do not understand why you were looking down on him, when you were a stripper, too? You were being a hypocrite.

[Hollyj]

Find someone your own age. He is a kid. He is also abusive, a cheater and addicted to video games. This sounds miserable.

 

Doesn't he have a job? How is he home all the time?

 

Expect more from your partner!

[MissCanuck]

He is too young and immature for the relationship you want, OP.

 

He says he wants to build a future with you, but it's meaningless words when his behavior contradicts that. Let him go. He needs plenty more time to grow up and I would not be keen to stick around and have him do so on my watch.

[thisisrichey]

well... he cheated. thats 1 red flag.

then he agreed to give up a lot of stuff to "win you back" and have another chance. now he's throwing that in your face. 2 red flags.

you do have a rather large age gap in which peopel at 32 are just in a completely different mentality than people at 24... that's another obstacle.

 

Those are the negatives i see here. I don't see video games as a negative b/c that's what people his age do. Taht's what a lot of males do. yes females hatte it but rest assured there are plenty of things women do that men can't stand either - so that's a wash.

That he agreed to a middle ground on when he comes to bed to be with you and not - I also believe is a reasonable wash. neither partner has a right to demand from the other partner 100% compliance with their own selfish wishes ("you need to be in bed with me when i want to go to bed because i want to cuddle when i sleep")....

 

This is definitely not a healthy relationship becuse BOTH OF YOU only see the other person's role as being there to PLEASE YOURSELVES. Neither of you has given one iota into thinking "what will make my partner happy?" (Well he has in agreeing to split nights between video gaming and cuddlign with you. at least it was a gesture to compromise whether it's everythin you wanted or not... certainly YOU did not offer any compromise to please both of you on this area).

 

So.. i would say you guys need to split. This is not healthy in EITHER direction or EITHER person towards the other. You both have a lot of work to do to understand how to have a healthy relationship with another person. (Yes.. THEY get to have some say and THEIR happiness counts too.. not just yours).

[StephJay86]

well... he cheated. thats 1 red flag.

then he agreed to give up a lot of stuff to "win you back" and have another chance. now he's throwing that in your face. 2 red flags.

you do have a rather large age gap in which peopel at 32 are just in a completely different mentality than people at 24... that's another obstacle.

 

Those are the negatives i see here. I don't see video games as a negative b/c that's what people his age do. Taht's what a lot of males do. yes females hatte it but rest assured there are plenty of things women do that men can't stand either - so that's a wash.

That he agreed to a middle ground on when he comes to bed to be with you and not - I also believe is a reasonable wash. neither partner has a right to demand from the other partner 100% compliance with their own selfish wishes ("you need to be in bed with me when i want to go to bed because i want to cuddle when i sleep")....

 

This is definitely not a healthy relationship becuse BOTH OF YOU only see the other person's role as being there to PLEASE YOURSELVES. Neither of you has given one iota into thinking "what will make my partner happy?" (Well he has in agreeing to split nights between video gaming and cuddlign with you. at least it was a gesture to compromise whether it's everythin you wanted or not... certainly YOU did not offer any compromise to please both of you on this area).

 

So.. i would say you guys need to split. This is not healthy in EITHER direction or EITHER person towards the other. You both have a lot of work to do to understand how to have a healthy relationship with another person. (Yes.. THEY get to have some say and THEIR happiness counts too.. not just yours).

 

 

Thank you!!! I definitely needed honestly and not sugar coating. Although, I don’t agree with me not caring about his happiness. Here is the thing.... he is living in MY house that I haven’t once asked him to pay a bill in. I am working 2 jobs to make sure my bills are paid and my daughter is taken care of. He works, but the last couple months it’s been very slow and he’s working maybe 2 days a week. The rest of the time, he is literally sitting in front of the tv for 12-16 hours playing video games. I come home from work, my place is a mess, I have very little time or energy to clean after working a 16 hour day and needing to come home and cook for my daughter and tend to her. He does absolutely nothing at my house, and I haven’t even asked him because the messes are mainly mine and my daughters. I just don’t see it being that much to ask to give me some time at night when he has just spent 15 hours playing his video games.

 

Also, the PS4 is actually my console. I love video games. I play them a lot when I can too. So I don’t HATE his gaming.

[MissCanuck]

This guy is not with you for the right reasons, OP.

 

Surely you can see that?

[StephJay86]

This guy is not with you for the right reasons, OP.

 

Surely you can see that?

 

I do, I guess I just don’t want to see it and I feel guilty. I’m so stupid.