"I love you"

[Lauren.xo]

So I was thinking today, and decided to post. (sorry I can't paragraph, typing on my blackberry). So my thoughts are, your ex dumped you, and all you can say is letters and texts and emails saying "I love you". Is that real though? Why do we say it. I think we say it because we think it will make them warm up or come back. In my opinion, love is a feeling. It is something that you can't hear but that you can feel. I think sometimes we say it for ourselves. Its kind of selfish, just so we can try to bring them back a bit. Why should we? They know inside if we loved them, they have to take the time and see that on their own. No amount of saying it will bring them back. We just have to believe they will see it on their own. That's why I am a firm believer in not giving an ex attention (oh I do it! Don't get me wrong!). They should not feel comfortable. They should feel life without you. Sometimes real love is just accepting. I'm working on that now. If they loved us, they will find us no matter what! They will figure out our numbers, or emails and tell us. I feel that letting go is your best chance for yourself, and them. Sometimes the unknown is scary, not knowing where they are, what they are doing, if they care, if they don't... BUT what good is it to keep reminding them you love them? Its no good. It helps them move on. I don't believe in kidding yourself for a friendship (early on or if ever). I believe that we have to find our inner strength and show it. Show the independent people we are. If were going to go out, go out with dignity and self respect. If they loved us, nothing will stop them from coming back. Goodluck to all. Fight that fight because I sure am!

[CRGMEM]

You are absolutely correct in everything you said, Lauren.

[COtuner]

Good post, Lauren. The last words I said to my ex were "I love you". I went right into NC afterwards, though. Then again, I'm experienced being that this is our second (and final) breakup. I'm not repeating past mistakes, and I'm not repeating my LC from the first breakup with him

 

You are right in that "I love you" is not going to bring anyone back or change anything, because rarely is love the cause of a breakup, unless there is no love present at all. The problems lie elsewhere, and if love was enough, the breakup would never have happened.

 

Hang in there - sometimes I think there should be an ENA tour tshirt for the stages of breakup and healing that we have all gone through....

[becca0194]

Great Post, Lauren !! You always have great insight !!

[pdoog]

The words I love you get thrown around to much now a days. Yes love is a feeling but then again that feeling can be misleading. Love is supposed to be this very strong feeling and is hard ot get over.

 

If this is the case then A lot of our ex's have been lying with the word Love and the feeling fo it all along.

[COtuner]

The words I love you get thrown around to much now a days. Yes love is a feeling but then again that feeling can be misleading. Love is supposed to be this very strong feeling and is hard ot get over.

 

If this is the case then A lot of our ex's have been lying with the word Love and the feeling fo it all along.

 

I don't think a lot of people know what love feels like and confuse it with infatuation. Hence the reason the word gets over used.

[surfNski]

Needed to hear this today, thanks.

[ironman]

that is a beatifull way to put it.....we need to accept the reality and keep looking toward the horizon.I look back at my short but special relationship and honestly, I was fighting against the wind....It is so difficult for me because everything seem fine and that she wanted a future with me and in one snap she saw a way out and took it.she sais she needed time and space and didnt want relationship right now....

she broke my heart, all i wanted was to be together and have a family one day with her...althought she has never admited it to me, she still got feelings for her ex,which supposedly she hates, because he cheated on her and killed the five year relationship with that.

she once mentioned to me,that he never tried to formalize anything with her.he took her for granted.me in the other hand showed her i was willing love her forever..

I told her this many times this,thru words and actions and still... but i have stopped looking for her, she needs to find that herself. I considered a pretty accomplished guy,but none of my accomplisments feels as good as she was with me .i really love that woman, in a way never thought possible.

[NoVaGuy]

Wonderful post! The I love you's don't help when they come from us. We weren't the one lacking in that department. I read somewhere that if they really loved us they would've stayed and talked about the issues, worked them out. Instead, they just decided to cut and run. My ex appears to be doing fine without me. I'm probably not even a thought in her mind anymore. I do still love her, it was her lack of love for me I guess. I don't know any of this, nor do I really want to know. If she was meant to be mine, she will come back. However, I really don't want to wait around for it. Healing is painful, makes me think back to a surgery I had. The pain after the surgery was worse than it was before, but it got better and now everything is fine. We hold strong and soon enough we will all be saying I love you to someone who's heart flutters when we say it.

[NoVaGuy]

Hey Ironman, sounds like we have similar stories.

[HighRoad]

I have a hard time with the part about: if they were really in love with us they would have stayed and talked or worked things out with us. For me, I struggle with the disappearing act. Last I knew, he really cared about me and was very kind and loving and then - gone.

 

It's the 'gone' part with no explanation that upsets me and I guess keeps me connected. That's my issue, why I want to hang on to slim hope when maybe I should be very very angry at him.

 

I really struggle and yet I am trying to sort it all out. But, they can't be 'the one' if they are chosing not to be here with us. Doh!!! I feel so thick sometimes.

 

Great post and very well said.

[RachelNY]

That was a great post and it helped answer some of my closure question. Thank you for posting that Lauren.

[Lauren.xo]

No problem! We are all in this, and will all be ok. I posted because we all have those weak days, and sometimes we need a reminder. Its tough, but we can get through it! It will pass. Just stay strong!

[chewy21]

I've noticed that alot of doubts of many people on here (including myself) are connected to a desire for reconciliation. If we weren't so worried about what we might have lost and how to get it back, then I doubt half of us would be so distraught.

 

A few weeks ago I watched Swingers. There's a line at the beginning of the movie when Favreau is talking to Ron Livingston. Favreau just asked if he could pretend being over his ex so that she would come back. Livingston responds with something along the lines of "well, that's the rub: they always seem to know."

 

I've been keeping that idea pretty close to me since. Yeah, our exes will know if we're still pining for them, and it makes us seem buried in the past and offers no hope of change. They left us because they want change. So the best course of action seems to be to get focused on moving on, and focused on ourselves. It's a win-win, because even if it doesn't make them want us again, it gives us a firm foundation for ourselves and whoever is lucky enough to share our lives with us in the future.

 

I don't know if this was an appropriate place to post this, but I was just reading the thread and something I read (not sure what) triggered this thought. Hope it helps you guys as much as it's helped me.

[Marton04]

Hi Lauren,

 

Just wanted to say what a great post this is. This is everything I've been thinking but too lazy to write about.

 

I agree, our exes know we love them - it's no use to us or them repeating those feelings and even if you think for a slight second, it will make them change their mind.. think again. They really do need to see this on their own without us in the picture and you're right, they should feel life without us. It was THEIR decision, not ours to remove ourselves from their lives so we do not owe them anything. Agreed, if they wanted to profess their love back to us or whatever, they know exactly how to find us. The thing is, they don't want to find us right now - they want us gone so we should want the same. If we keep telling them we love them, they will have the upper hand and they will think that "oh she/he still loves me so therefore I can up and leave them whenever I want and still come back to them once I tire of having fun". That should not even be allowed to think that! I love what you wrote in the end "If we're going to go out, go out with dignity and self respect. If they loved us, nothing will stop them from coming back." And that's what I'm doing. As many bad days as I will have, I refuse to contact him. I may have my urges but I know in the long run, to contact him I will end up the weak one again. I will not stoop so low as to beg him back - he should be doing this to me.

 

I believe it is very important to maintain NC because I truly believe that our exes are the ones to feel shame, not us and by doing NC, we lift our heads up high, knowing we gave our all and therefore nothing that we did could have prevented what happened. It is not our wrongdoing.

[COtuner]

Of course, in my case, I think my ex also feels exactly the same as Marton described, therefore we'll not talk to each other again. And that may be ok too, if we're not meant to be together. Hurts though