The worse year of my life. But where would i be without the lessons?

[lonewolf1991]

In April 2019 my 8 year relationship came to an end. Burnt beyond all repair. I moved in with my mother sleeping in a small box room in a single bed, sometimes with my small daughter. One month later i had my own place and things began looking up. I slowly realised that this wasn't a phantom breakup like I've suffered with the same girl many times before. It was in fact the final end after years of lies, deceit and betrayal.

 

The girl of my dreams didn't cry. She'd done all of her crying over the years. She was relieved that it was over just as i was - for a short period of time. I watched as she fell in love with another man and the relationship blossomed.

I spent many nights sitting with an open back door, smoking and thinking. Creating scenarios in my head and responding to them out loud. Hoping and praying every night that i could go home.

 

I made a lot of poor choices over the years. She is a beautiful person with a heart of gold. The type of person who's eyes would never sparkle at any man other than the one she's committed to. The sparkle in our relationship ended years ago but she stuck by me hoping and praying for change. She's loves simple pleasures and i was never satisfied with what i had at all in life. This can be healthy in many ways, but only when coupled with action. My ruminating thoughts of what i wanted never go off the mark. And most of my wants never included her. I guess she became part of the background to me.

 

I've started to notice a lot of things about my physical appearance over the past year. I went to the dentist for the first time in about 6 years and they confirmed i have gum disease. This bothers me from time to time but it hasn't really affected my smile and i know its manageable with good oral hygiene and regular dental visits. I also know I'm suffering from male pattern baldness. I have always had a receding hairline but it has gotten worse over the year. The crown of my head has also become visible and my hair in general has thinned throughout. For that I'm taking medication with no improvement so far. its perhaps gotten worse but there is hope as it is very early days. This all has me very self conscious. I guess I've always had issues with self esteem but when you have a partner I suppose it alleviates that pain. I guess my low self-esteem lead me to seek validation in and out of my relationship. That coupled with sporadic drug use and poor boundaries helped my behaviour spiral out of control. These aren't excuses. Some people get dealt a terrible hand in life and it makes them hold their nearest and dearest closer. I on the other took to self destruct. The problems in my relationship weren't hugely different to the ones in everyone's and they are definitely similar to the ones in failed relationships. But lets just say i went ABOVE AND BEYOND. I daren't repeat the things I did with the people i did it with ever on here where nobody knowns me. Even close friends do not know the details. All her friends and family know, and that's how I know she has made her peace with it and I'm happy at that.

 

I still love my ex. I've been trying to get over her for 13 month. Its hard when we shared so much together. The bond we have as co-parents is brilliant. I've been through low contact with her a few times to try and heal to no avail. At the moment we are on friendly terms again and not strict parent only conversations. We sometimes meet and take our daughter out. I sometimes visit them at her house as she does mine. Is this good for me? I suppose not. But what am i to do? I've tried everything to stop loving her so now I'm just loving her from afar. I don't think I'll ever not want her and I'm trying to make peace with it. Maybe i should look towards moving past it rather then getting over it.

 

At the present moment i am very down. I'm seeking therapy about this. I no longer take drugs and im learning an awful lot about myself. Good and bad. Actively trying to change things I'm not happy about and trying to come to terms with the things that will always be out of my control. I am also about to move house again. The property I've been leasing for over a year has been sold and its time to go. This will be a good thing i hope as this house has housed a lot of depressive thoughts.

 

I hope that whatever the future holds for me I find peace with. I hope I keep trying to control the controllable and stop thinking about what i can't control. I hope i slip out of this depression and grab life by the balls again. Something I haven't done since my early 20's (currently 28.) I hope her eyes sparkle at me again someday.

 

Most of all I hope that girl is happy and gets everything she wants from life.

[smackie9]

Just stay straight and you will keep going forward. Best of luck in your new future.

[Rose Mosse]

It's truly over but you have a lot of blessings and a little girl to raise. This person was in your life for a long time and both of you share a child. She is always going to be special to you as the mother of your child. I think it's fair for you to continue to care for her and think of her affectionately. The relationship though is completely over and good for you for recognizing it. Practice good boundaries and don't interfere with her new life. It's fantastic that both of you are doing well co-parenting. That speaks volumes about both of you as individuals even if the relationship didn't work out.

 

Continue staying off the drugs and stay clean. If not for yourself, then for your daughter.

[Skeptic76]

Shave your head, you’ll look tough af ;)

 

Seriously though, sounds like you’re handling your business and staying open to life lessons, good on you!