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I should have listened to guys. Our relationship has not gotten better


felurian

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Hey everyone

 

Last time I posted on here I got some great, even haunting, advice. To this day I still read the replies posted in that thread and tear up cause in my heart of hearts, I know a majority of it’s true.

 

Nevertheless, I moved in with my boyfriend and things only continued to get worse. First, we started to argue about chores/household duties. I have a different standard of clean than he does and it caused a lot of contention. Second, I started graduate school in the fall which, suffice to say, has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Naturally, school, my clients and job had to take precedence over our relationship. He felt slighted and as if I didn’t care about him. I explained that wasn’t the case but that right now in my life, I needed to focus on finishing up my degree so I can finally begin the career I’ve been dreaming of having for 6 years.

 

Finally, everything came to a head January 1st. We had another huge argument about marriage. He said he doesn’t see wife qualities in me. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m simply not the one for him.

Since then, we’ve been pretending everything is fine. But the cracks are starting to widen. I’m a lot less patient with him than I used to be. I’m snippy and snap at him. He is stressed with work and has been withdrawn. We don’t say I love you and we haven’t been intimate in three weeks.

 

I should have listened to you guys. I can’t say I’m more miserable than I was that first post, but I certainly feel more defeated. I’m worried about a breakup now just because I dont want to falter in my graduate program. I also don’t need the extra stress of trying to find a new place to live (you all were right). I think what hurts the most is I’ve lost someone I thought I could trust with all of my thoughts and feelings. I haven’t felt this lonely in a long time.

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Sorry to hear this. Move out and focus on your school, work and what is important to you. Don't waste time being this jerks live-in servant. Trying to accomplish anything with a guy like this on your back is a lot more stressful than moving back to where you were or on campus or in a house share or back home or with friends family.

 

It's never too late to cut your losses: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560698&p=7144688&viewfull=1#post7144688

I moved in with my boyfriend and things only continued to get worse. First, we started to argue about chores/household duties. I have a different standard of clean than he does and it caused a lot of contention.

We had another huge argument about marriage. He said he doesn’t see wife qualities in me. I also don’t need the extra stress of trying to find a new place to live (you all were right).

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Listen, all is not lost. Don't beat yourself up over past mistakes. You've already come to the correct conclusion that you're not the one for him. I can't imagine staying with someone who told me I didn't have 'wife' qualities.

 

I understand that you're wanting to focus on your studies and that you think leaving now will throw everything into chaos, but think of this. Just living with someone you love and forcing yourself into a roommate situation is, in my opinion, equally distracting and counter productive to your future.

 

Have some friends help you to find a new place and try to leave the situation on an amicable term. The sooner you get out of this situation, the sooner you can start your new life.

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Hi there

 

I agree- no need to beat yourself up. live and learn! There's still hope and a way out of this. Lean on your friends and loved ones.... find a new place. talk to your bf about the amicably splitting. You accept he does not see you as his future wife and as this is the case, you do not want to cause either of you any more pain. And will be moving...

 

The pain of leaving is like ripping the band aid off. Ouch! but then heals faster. Staying is just letting it fester and get worse.

 

Yes its a lot with work, school, moving... but it can be done! You have a lot going on and no reasin to hold yourself back with this guy.....

 

I always say, you want something done? give it to a busy person.... they will get it done and move on!

 

Good luck! You can and you will! Take control of the situation.... and change it! for the better!

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You don't think that a break up would actually bring you peace, relief, and more freedom to focus on what you want to accomplish with less stress than what you are living with now? I would think that all the stress and arguments are more difficult and distracting than having your own space to do as you wish. Living with all this tension isn't exactly a picnic. Besides, the break up at this point sounds like a completely mutual thing. Neither one of you is happy or sees a future, so why stick around any longer and keep each other miserable?

 

You can live alone and not feel lonely, you can be in the wrong relationship and feel incredibly alone and lonely.

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Thanks everyone. I cant stop crying and I have a feeling its going to be like this for a while. I know he doesnt want to break up, but Im tired of trying so hard to only fail in his eyes. He has already expressed disappointment that I want to have a chat tonight regarding our relationship. He is mad that I would bring that up this morning knowing how stressed he is.

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An ogre like this is not worth your time. Stop talking at him. Stop twisting yourself to please him. Talk to a campus counselor about self esteem and get to the housing department and make new arrangements. He always was and still is anti-you anti-marriage etc. Now he has easy sex and free housekeeping. Stop having relationship talks, he's not interested. Just make your arrangements and get out.

Im tired of trying so hard to only fail in his eyes. He has already expressed disappointment that I want to have a chat tonight regarding our relationship. He is mad that I would bring that up this morning knowing how stressed he is.
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Sorry about all this.

 

Take a few deep breaths really quick—sounds like you could use them. Per the title of your post: you listened to the person you needed to listen to at the moment—you. We're just here, after all, to help you do that, clearly and honestly, not to win awards for having our advice taken the second we dole it out.

 

Sometimes we need to take a few steps in the "wrong" direction to find the "right" one—those quotes being in there because, all in all, this is life, living, and learning, not a court of judgement. As for those lessons? I think you've got a great one on a silver platter before you, ready to be feasted on. In short: doubling, tripling, and quadrupling down on something that is not working does not make it work. Moving in, in this case? It's like flooring the gas on a car you know has a messed-up engine: if it's rough at 30 mph it's going to smoke and stutter at 80, you know?

 

You sound like an awesome woman who is, right now, at an awesome moment in your life: graduate school leading to shooting down some big dreams. That is real stuff, right there. Stuff to lean into, hard, and celebrate with gusto. If the person you're living your life alongside is an impediment to that and can't celebrate it—well, give that some thought. Why keep choosing that? Even if he wanted to be married, would you want to marry someone who hinders your truth to this degree?

 

I understand how, right now, breaking up sounds like the thing that will break this fragile engine. But I suspect you'd find the opposite to be true: that after the initial blow, you'll feel so much better, faster than you know. Need a place to live? Craigslist makes that easy: short term sublets, roommate situations, etc. When you're ready, if you decide to go this route, you'd have the logistics ready after a few hours of clicking and emailing.

 

You're 24, yeah? Quite young. Who do you want to be at 26, at 30? Think about those questions for a bit, and then ask yourself if staying in this relationship is a choice that will nudge you closer to becoming the person you want to be, or further. At the end of the day your most valuable relationship is with yourself, and who you are, and become, is a reflection of the choices you make.

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Has he changed his position on marriage?

 

It sounds miserable, and so I would strongly recommend moving out and ending things.

 

I hope you follow our advice, this time.

 

He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

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My brother in law did this to his girlfriend for five years. Kept moving the goalposts. She finally figured out he was NOT going to marry her and left him. Hers is a success story because a couple of years later she met a nice man and is now married with children, exactly what she wished for. But she had to accept she wasn't going to get her wish with my BIL.

 

He also did this with his previous girlfriend. She too is now married with children. He is currently in his late 40s and living with his mother. I give him credit for at least finally realizing what he was doing. He's no longer deceiving nice women into thinking they'll get the marriage and family they dreamed of with him.

 

I have to say I bet your BF will decide you're too busy with your career after you graduate to "present with wife qualities" according to his terms. Unfortunately he just doesn't want to marry you.

 

I can't imagine being away from him would be MORE stressful than your current living situation with him. I had issues with living with a boyfriend and was having severe anxiety attacks and insomnia. Magically, all of that went away when I moved out.

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He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

 

Does he do the 'wifey duties?' What is his contribution around the home.

 

He has not intention of marrying you. You are wasting your time with this guy.

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He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

 

This is NOT about you. If you do those things, he will simply move the goal posts again and again and again. It's really a form of psychological abuse and manipulation.

 

Please stop the madness and leave him already. I wouldn't wish this guy on my worst enemy. That's how bad he actually is.

 

Let go of the fantasy that you are projecting to him of the life you actually want and face the reality of the jerk who will never ever give you that life. If you want your goals, your dreams to actually come true, stop wasting your life and time on this guy.

 

Would you sign up for a course if the professor intentionally flunked all students because you are hoping that maybe this semester, you'll be the one and only that he'll pass? Noooope. Crazy right? The professor would get fired from his job because nobody would be signing up for failure. So why do you do sign up for this garbage in a relationship? This guy is telling you to your face that no matter what you do, how great you are, he is going to make a point of always rejecting you. The correct response is NOT try harder but rather fire this guy from the job of bf.

 

On that note, quit sobbing. You aren't losing anything good here or worth crying about.

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He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

 

Does he do the 'wifey duties?' What is his contribution around the home? Why the hell would you make HIS lunch?

 

He has no intention of marrying you. You are wasting your time with this guy.

 

Girl, what are you doing with this clown? I can't figure out what the loss would be. Expect better.

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He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

 

But does he present "husband qualities" to you?

 

Guess I'm just saying that I don't get the impression that marriage is really the issue here, more the idea that "marriage" has become a stand-in for "compatibility," with you holding onto an idea that if he "came around" on marriage then you two would be content, compatible. Meanwhile, he's holding onto some equally misguided idea that if you can become a bit more x and a little less y, then he will want to marry you.

 

You are both moving the goal posts, in other words, because neither of you like the game as it is being played, the teammate you're playing alongside. It's as if your actual relationship only works because of what you each believe it theoretically could be. But all we ever get is...what we get. Ideally, and in a harmonious relationship, the actual is better than the theoretical.

 

Imagine being in a relationship where the potential of what it could be...didn't matter. The potential that it might last forever and ever, or the potential that it would all end in a fiery explosion: both are moot points, exercises in imagination, indulgences in romantic thinking and/or insecure thinking, because the day to day experience of being with someone is just...well, it feels like the right way to be spending your days. That's not asking for the moon, but what I'd call the point of entry for a relationship worth time and emotional energy.

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He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

 

LMAO... tell him good luck finding a female slave in this day and age as you walk out the door with your bags packed and your life goals firmly cemented in your mind. Can you imagine if you have a baby with this man-boy how run off your feet you will be when he expects you to baby him?

 

Gosh, just start looking at places to live that you can afford and free yourself of this albatros holding you back from your goals and happiness. He's not husband material so tell him to look in the lifemate mirror and face his own baggage before he tries to get you to carry his around.

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He hasn’t. Just moved the goalpost. First he wanted to move in together before he would even consider marriage. Now it’s that I do not present with wife qualities (ex. I do t make him lunch, or cook dinner regularly, clean etc.) despite him knowing I have a lack of free time due to grad school or just that in general marriage isn’t even about those things to begin with.

 

Aww, gf. This is heart breaking. What is he bringing to the table? He doesn't want a wife. He wants a servant. Reading your posts, about your life-- school & work, it seems, you are not looking to have an old fashioned and homemaker (possibly subservient) role to his breadwinner (dominant) role.

 

Not that there is anything wrong with those traditional roles, if you want that. I think as society is changing and marriage roles evolve to both people working full time, it can't be on the woman to be all things. Both people need to contribute to the household budget, chores, children care. If you work full time, why on earth do you have to pack his lunch?

 

I had a conversation with a man in my office. At the time, we both in management roles. His was married and I was single. His wife packed his lunch and he was bragging to me about how great marriage is.... For example, look at this lunch bag.....His magic lunch bag. Every morning the bag is there waiting for him. He eats the lunch. Doesn't rinse any of the containers. Just puts them back in the magic lunch bag, carries it home, puts back on the counter and poof! tomorrow morning, a fresh lunch is there.

 

He was pleased as punch to tell me this. And all I could say was-- so basically you got married and now your lunch is made. If I get married, I have to make two lunches?????

 

Mic drop. lol.....

 

My point is-- Run girlfriend. Not all men want a servant. There are actually modern men, that want love and companionship, are willing to do laundry, dishes, chores etc because before they got married, they did these things for themselves..... If your goal is to get married, you should not live with someone without being engaged. You are doing, what my mom would call, playing house together. He's dangling something in front of you, making you jump through hoops.... this is not a healthy or happy situation.

 

 

And frankly, the things he says to are just gut wrenching. And nothing someone who respects you would ever say.

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I didn't read your original post, but, I lived with a verbally abusive ogre for years, and just living with him distracted me from all other areas of my life. I hated going home because it was that bad. Your home should be a sanctuary, a nice peaceful oasis you can go to and relax. You should not have to deal with this. Do you have family or a good friend you can move in with? Hopefully somewhere you can stay permanently or at least for a few months until your graduate semester is over, and then once the semester is over, you can find a new place?

And hopefully he will not contact you once you tell him it's over.

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Skip the snipping--it won't get you anywhere but into arguments that don't matter.

 

Keep our focus school and work, and just be nice. If that means appeasing him on some things, then do it. If it means robbing yourself of school or study time, offer him something of value to him in exchange for the time you must carve out to succeed.

 

Household chores are a waste to squabble over. If you lived alone, you'd need to do 100% of them anyway, so focus on living as though you're on your own and operate like a civil and pleasant roommate while you keep your home the way you would have to with no roommate.

 

Pursue family and friends who might be able to take you in for some peace until you finish school. If you land on a taker, pack your stuff and tell BF that you are leaving until you finish school, and you can both decide later whether you want to try together, or not.

 

If you can't find a peaceful place to live, then create the best peace you can where you are. Skip the relationship focus for now. Don't fight with him over stupid stuff, and don't be difficult about stuff that doesn't have to matter now.

 

Head high.

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Household chores are a waste to squabble over. If you lived alone, you'd need to do 100% of them anyway, so focus on living as though you're on your own
If she were on her own, there wouldn't be the mess she has to deal with when he does nothing but contribute to the untidiness and she'd only have to clean up her own mess, not someone else's as well so it's a good mind set to try and achieve, in reality, it is easier said than done.

 

Pursue family and friends who might be able to take you in for some peace until you finish school. If you land on a taker, pack your stuff and tell BF that you are leaving until you finish school, and you can both decide later whether you want to try together, or not.
I think that's a great idea. :)
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If she were on her own, there wouldn't be the mess she has to deal with when he does nothing but contribute to the untidiness and she'd only have to clean up her own mess, not someone else's as well so it's a good mind set to try and achieve, in reality, it is easier said than done.

 

When we're on our own but choose to bunk with a roommate, household stuff isn't charged with romantic expectations and disappointments. We hold a different level of respect for another's autonomy, which takes the 'need' to groom them as a suitable partner out of the equation.

 

We depersonalize behaviors and minimize resentment instead of amplifying it--if we're smart. This paves the way for rational negotiation and fair trade, even while it keeps the onus on US to make the best possible home for ourselves 'around' the other in a way that trying to play a couple does not.

 

Boxing another's stuff out of your way, doing your own laundry--not theirs, fixing your own meals--not theirs, or bargaining to trade off those kinds of chores is a practical matter rather than an emotional one.

 

De-escalate.

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When we're on our own but choose to bunk with a roommate, household stuff isn't charged with romantic expectations and disappointments. We hold a different level of respect for another's autonomy, which takes the 'need' to groom them as a suitable partner out of the equation.

 

We depersonalize behaviors and minimize resentment instead of amplifying it--if we're smart. This paves the way for rational negotiation and fair trade, even while it keeps the onus on US to make the best possible home for ourselves 'around' the other in a way that trying to play a couple does not

 

Boxing another's stuff out of your way, doing your own laundry--not theirs, fixing your own meals--not theirs, or bargaining to trade off those kinds of chores is a practical matter rather than an emotional one.

I agree now that you've expanded on what I was quoting... What I was quoting is still though, is always easier said than done. :) (but of course worth the effort).
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