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Help to work it out with my fluctuating girlfriend


chapo62

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I (30 years old) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (30 years old) for the past 4 months.

First 2 months: I asked her out during the initial days of college, even when we had not known each other at all. The reason was that I found her attractive. As we spent time together, I believe we both got fond of each other at a personal level. In the first couple of months itself, we struck a bond wherein we shared our fondest memories, mistakes (the terrible ones too), insecurities etc. The sex was incredible and made the relationship even more worthwhile. During the course of this 2 months, our relationship moved from 'exclusive sex' to 'friends with benefits' and reached a stage we started sharing experiences that a typical couple do. In this phase, her only quirk was that we should not reveal our relationship to anyone around us. Her reason was that she does not want to be labelled as someone's partner and wants to maintain her identity. And I agreed.

Next 1 week: Right after this, we went on a holiday for a week with 15 other people from college. On the second day of the holiday, I mistakenly told someone about our relationship. She got really angry at this. And the very next day, even without considering that I am on a holiday and at a party, she texted me to break the relationship. This really surprised me since it was unexpected and unwarranted. I was liking how the relationship was progressing, and this was a shocker! This behavior of hers led me to be reclusive during the holiday. And one time I drank too much out of emotions and was extremely rude to another person on the trip. This led her to further question her opinion about me since I was just not my usual self. In my defense, I was only reacting to her erratic behavior (of breaking the relationship on a text out of the blue).

Month 3/4: Once we got back from the holiday, I tried to explain myself of my different behavior the past week. While words could not help much, sex did! I believe the intimacy got us back together. She preferred to stay 'friends with benefits', but the line was kind of murky though. Later in the week, I took her on a date. However, I was a few drinks down from another party. This angered her and somehow began to feel I have alcohol issues (also, in the first 2 months, she had seen me drink often. However, it was never an issue). A few days later, I reached her place for a 'quick hello', but again I was a few drinks down. This again angered her. It took me a couple of days to pacify her. In the process, I promised her that I will not let my drinking habits affect her.

 

The next couple of weeks were fluctuating. Our relationship again moved from 'friends with benefits' to a 'committed relationship', though. We spoke about a potential future where we may get married and the intricacies around it (kids, location, families etc.) She spoke about going on a trip with her family in a couple of months. But the very next day she said that a part of her does not believe 'I am the one'. But within 2 days again, she was all into me. She even started to plan trips for the upcoming holidays and for the new years. And within a couple of days, she texted me for a 'time off' since she was stressed with other college-related things (recruitment) going on in her life. While her fluctuations did bother me, I let them me - since I could figure she was under some stress. (as a matter of fact, she just started therapy to deal with stress and anxiety)

Last 2 weeks:

 

DAY 0: But then I did a mistake. I drunk dialed her one night and troubled her with non-coherent drunk talks for a couple of hours. This, as expected, angered her to no extent. She called for a break-up and asked to lose all contact.

 

DAY 1-5: Mostly silence except a few messages

 

DAY 6: I requested to meet her before we could break-up. When we met, I requested her to give her decision some time. I felt that a stupid drunk call should not end the relationship, and that too when I was ready to make amends. However, she was not willing to.

 

DAY 7: But then, the next day she herself called me and we had a normal conversation. The same day, she herself came over to my place for a bit and we had a normal conversation again.

 

DAY 8: The following day, we ended up having a long conversation on phone like we used to a couple of months back. This led me to meet her at her place. In the process she asked my opinion on 'friends with benefits' and I said that I am fine with it unless it has some potential to bloom further in the future. That night she also explained that my drunk behavior really bothers her. That is when I told her that I want to quit drinking for myself since it has not been good for me. She wanted to have sex, but said that it would make her feel guilty since we had broken up.

 

DAY 9: The next day, she asked if she could look around for people if she cant have sex with me. I met her and explained that I am okay with 'friends with benefits' and we agreed we should take it one day a time. It felt like she was starting to be her usual self with me (the one I grew fond of to start with).

 

DAY 10: The next morning she made me breakfast for the first time. Later that evening she herself asked if I could come over to her place. We spent a few hours together and I slept-over. It really felt like we are getting over the break-up and perhaps going to patch-up soon

 

DAY 11 (Today): Through the day, we had regular chats. She had a domestic flight in the night for an interview. At 7pm, she badly wanted to see my newly got hair-cut. And at 9pm, before her flight, she tells me that the she has spent way too much time with me over the past 3 days and this does not help her in getting a perspective. And that she would like to cut down time with me.

 

My mind is thinking in the following ways:

1. Maybe she really is under a lot of stress (even though she denies it) and hence her mind is not making sound/coherent decisions lately. So, as a good partner should I just face the brunt of her fluctuations till she overcomes this phase?

 

2. Maybe she is not comfortable with an emotional relationship and freaks out when it is about to happen. Maybe she is just looking for a physical relationship right now. So, since the sex is great, should I just continue with 'friends with benefits' till it lasts?

 

3. Maybe this was always a fling for her. Seeing me emotionally invested broke the deal for her. Maybe she now wants to move onto something with lesser strings attached. So, should I let go of my emotions invested in this relationship and just treat it as a fling?

 

4. Maybe is there someone else she is interested in? After all this is college. So, should I just move on since she wasn't meant to be the one?

 

5. Maybe she is insecure and thinks I can do better than her. Maybe this is her way of keeping me guessing and on my toes so that I obsess her. Maybe she is checking in all ways possible if I am going to stick. So, should I just hold on till I get annoyed of her fluctuations?

 

6. Maybe she really is hurt with my drinking behavior. Maybe deep down a part of her does not really like me. Maybe I need to mean my words (and act on them) to let her know that I care for her feelings. So, should I persist on this maturely to get the relationship back on track?

 

........

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She's just not that into you, dude. She never has been.

 

It's not anywhere near as complicated as you're making it sound. She comes to you when she wants attention or sex, and got carried away with daydreaming about the future, but she doesn't actually see that future with you. She is annoyed by your drunk behaviour, yes, but that isn't the real underlying problem. That would be her lack of genuine desire to be with you.

 

Save yourself the mental gymnastics and move on. She isn't going to be The One for you.

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Thank you for the reply!

 

1. If she was not into me, then why would she come back herself after breaking up? Why such confusion in her head?

2. More often than not, she is the one to reach out on message or to spend time at each others place. Shouldn't I read that as a desire to be with me?

3. Doesn't the point that she is under mental stress due to other sources in life play a role this? Should I not stay clam and hold on till this phase subsides in a few weeks?

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There is NO relationship.

 

“ our relationship moved from 'exclusive sex' to 'friends with benefits'

 

Seriously? That is not a progression?

 

She simply wanted sex while closing her eyes and dreaming. No offence to you at all.

 

Sex was only exclusive until it wasn’t. As in she had other opportunities.

She wanted it kept secret because if it was known she had sex with you her other opportunities would decrease.

 

Please??? You are not a teenager. You know this ????!!

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Have you ever had the exclusive talk? It sounds like there is someone else she has her eyes on. Wear condoms. It's 16 weeks of dating. Relax and don't invest this much more than she is.

 

Yes, address the "drinking behavior" if it embarrasses you and is causing problems. Were there episodes of ED when drinking that you think also put her off?

I (30 years old) am in a relationship with my girlfriend (30 years old) for the past 4 months.

 

she said that a part of her does not believe 'I am the one'.

 

Maybe she really is hurt with my drinking behavior. Maybe deep down a part of her does not really like me.

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Stop taking things so seriously, college can be a unique time to be carefree and learn so much about yourself and other people. If you get bogged down with every person you meet you'll miss out.

So, try to open up to the adventure and when the time is right, and your goals for being at college are being met, and you learned more about women and relationships, the right one will be there and you'll be ready to apply yourself to it without so many uncertainties.

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There is NO relationship.

 

“ our relationship moved from 'exclusive sex' to 'friends with benefits'

 

Seriously? That is not a progression?

 

She simply wanted sex while closing her eyes and dreaming. No offence to you at all.

 

Sex was only exclusive until it wasn’t. As in she had other opportunities.

She wanted it kept secret because if it was known she had sex with you her other opportunities would decrease.

 

Please??? You are not a teenager. You know this ????!!

 

I hear you. However, when we spend time together it is hard to ignore the connect we have. It is quite evident that she enjoys spending time with me and so do I. Hence I posted this seeking 'help to work it out with her' one step at a time. Would appreciate any advice in this regard.

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Have you ever had the exclusive talk? It sounds like there is someone else she has her eyes on. Wear condoms. It's 16 weeks of dating. Relax and don't invest this much more than she is.

 

Yes, address the "drinking behavior" if it embarrasses you and is causing problems. Were there episodes of ED when drinking that you think also put her off?

 

Yes, we had the exclusive talk - but this has been mostly from a physical relationship POV. I do not think she has her eyes on someone else - at least based on her conversations with people in the college (but if there is something else going on in her mind that she has not mentioned - then it is a different thing). Nope, there have been no episodes of ED that have occurred - so, I'll rule that out.

 

I posted this seeking 'help to work it out with her' one step at a time. Would appreciate any advice in this regard.

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Stop taking things so seriously, college can be a unique time to be carefree and learn so much about yourself and other people. If you get bogged down with every person you meet you'll miss out.

So, try to open up to the adventure and when the time is right, and your goals for being at college are being met, and you learned more about women and relationships, the right one will be there and you'll be ready to apply yourself to it without so many uncertainties.

 

I agree with you. I need to maximize my time at college. It would really help me to free up my mind by taking this issue at hand with a pinch of salt. However, my ideal scenario would be when her fluctuations dial down, and we proceed on the same page for a while (committed or friends with benefits or whatever). Hence I posted this seeking 'help to work it out with her' one step at a time. Would appreciate any advice in this regard.

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She enjoys the sex and whatnot, but for the long term......mmmmm nah. She's not that into you. She's keeping her options open.

Reaching out can mean very little, like they are lonely, bored, looking for emotional support.

 

 

I hear you. However, when we spend time together it is hard to ignore the connect we have. It is quite evident that she enjoys spending time with me and so do I. Hence I posted this seeking 'help to work it out with her' one step at a time. Would appreciate any advice in this regard.

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She's just not that into you, dude. She never has been.

 

It's not anywhere near as complicated as you're making it sound. She comes to you when she wants attention or sex, and got carried away with daydreaming about the future, but she doesn't actually see that future with you. She is annoyed by your drunk behaviour, yes, but that isn't the real underlying problem. That would be her lack of genuine desire to be with you.

 

Save yourself the mental gymnastics and move on. She isn't going to be The One for you.

 

Thank you for the reply!

 

1. If she was not into me, then why would she come back herself after breaking up? Why such confusion in her head?

2. More often than not, she is the one to reach out on message or to spend time at each others place. Shouldn't I read that as a desire to be with me?

3. Doesn't the point that she is under mental stress due to other sources in life play a role this? Should I not stay clam and hold on till this phase subsides in a few weeks?

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Thank you for the reply!

 

1. If she was not into me, then why would she come back herself after breaking up? Why such confusion in her head?

2. More often than not, she is the one to reach out on message or to spend time at each others place. Shouldn't I read that as a desire to be with me?

3. Doesn't the point that she is under mental stress due to other sources in life play a role this? Should I not stay clam and hold on till this phase subsides in a few weeks?

 

Stop the denial. She does not want to be with you! Never has. I can't believe you went along with being a secret.

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By the way, to everyone who has responded to your problem you say, help me to work it out with her. If you are waiting for a magic ritual to make her like you the way you want and need, you are not going to get it - were all saying" this person does not want what you want" the person commenting before me is correct, get off the crazy train.

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I wanted to add that the phases/stages/ fluctuations are your own creation/in your head. You're analyzing it this way to justify staying because by rationalizing this as some sort of "phase" or "stage" you tell yourself you can strive to get back to a better phase.

 

From the beginning she was not that into you and not into you enough for a potentially serious relationship. There were no fluctuations -this was true at the beginning and throughout and now. You can feel very connected to someone and there still isn't interest from the other person in being in a serious romantic relationship. Watch the actions -the feet- not what she says -the lips.

All of your analysis "but if that was true then why_____" means nothing because the result is always the same. She's not that into being with you -even wants to keep you two a secret (!!).

 

If you want to have sex with her when you both feel like having sex then do so. That's not a stage, a phase or a fluctuation -that's just two people having sex cause they feel like it. There is no one step at a time or working "it" out -because there never was an it to work out.

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By the way, to everyone who has responded to your problem you say, help me to work it out with her. If you are waiting for a magic ritual to make her like you the way you want and need, you are not going to get it - were all saying" this person does not want what you want" the person commenting before me is correct, get off the crazy train.

 

What I meant in seeking help is that: I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. That course of action is also something I would call as 'working it out'. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?

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I wanted to add that the phases/stages/ fluctuations are your own creation/in your head. You're analyzing it this way to justify staying because by rationalizing this as some sort of "phase" or "stage" you tell yourself you can strive to get back to a better phase.

 

From the beginning she was not that into you and not into you enough for a potentially serious relationship. There were no fluctuations -this was true at the beginning and throughout and now. You can feel very connected to someone and there still isn't interest from the other person in being in a serious romantic relationship. Watch the actions -the feet- not what she says -the lips.

All of your analysis "but if that was true then why_____" means nothing because the result is always the same. She's not that into being with you -even wants to keep you two a secret (!!).

 

If you want to have sex with her when you both feel like having sex then do so. That's not a stage, a phase or a fluctuation -that's just two people having sex cause they feel like it. There is no one step at a time or working "it" out -because there never was an it to work out.

 

Thank you!

 

I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?

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Thank you!

 

I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?

 

Just tell her that you want to have an arrangement where if one of you feels like having sex you'll get in touch and if you both want to have sex you will. I wouldn't use silly euphemisms -it's a sexual arrangement. You can also be friendly to each other of course -you are classmates.

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Thank you!

 

I am fine if she is not into me. In which case, I am ready to emotionally detach myself from this. However, I would like it continue as 'friends with benefits' till it lasts. Basically, get on the same page with her and proceed. Any advice on how I can get there? Is having a frank conversation with her the best way forward?

 

You're too serious and verbally inclined. Leave her alone and let her come to you for sex. If she knows your door's open to her for sex only, there should be no problem there. If you're emotionally attached to her it's coming out in your overthinking. Stop all that. Otherwise you're not cut out for sex/friends with benefits. Be honest about that with yourself if it's just not right for you.

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Just tell her that you want to have an arrangement where if one of you feels like having sex you'll get in touch and if you both want to have sex you will. I wouldn't use silly euphemisms -it's a sexual arrangement. You can also be friendly to each other of course -you are classmates.

 

Thank you!

 

Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

 

1. Does not want to tell people about us

2. Breaks up out of nowhere

3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

 

This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!

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Stop the denial. She does not want to be with you! Never has. I can't believe you went along with being a secret.

 

Thank you!

 

Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

 

1. Does not want to tell people about us

2. Breaks up out of nowhere

3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

 

This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!

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Thank you!

 

Another point I had to mention was: This seems similar to the first serious relationship I had back in undergrad. She too had a few similarities to the current one:

 

1. Does not want to tell people about us

2. Breaks up out of nowhere

3. Gets close when in need of attention or intimacy

 

This behavior went on for a year, and then she was a great partner for the next 2-3 years (until we broke up). So, I wonder if there is merit in persisting this for a while!

 

Dude, you are not listening to anything we are saying. I question why you came here.

 

Do whatever you wish. I give up.

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