" Do you love him?"

[dhjjessel]

I would be much more accepting that my ex is with someone else if the answer to this question was yes.

 

I feel that she is with someone that she is with because she doesnt want to be serious.

If she told me she loved him, my instinct that i want the best for her would kick in and i would be happy for her. The fact that she is probably not in love with him is what frustrates me the most. Having never been in a long term relationship (she was with someone right before me for 6 years) i cannot understand wanting to be with someone you dont see a future with.

 

Does anyone have any unique insights or advice or experience that might make me feel better, accepting the fact that she chose someone else because she didnt want to be serious?

Its not that i doubt myself as a partner, more that i just want to somehow feel better about losing her because it was 'too serious'

Personally, I have only ever wanted to be serious about the person i am with, so i cant empathise with her position.

[Timebandit]

I understand if you feel hurt. I just think that you are barking at the wrong tree.

 

She is now your ex - and free to do whatever she likes, even if it means just having a shortlived fling with some random guy. Maybe she loves him or maybe being with him is just a coping strategy for her.

 

In reality, it doesnt really matter. Focus on yourself - not her.

[nutbrownhare]

The fact that she chose someone else says nothing about you, except that you weren't the guy for her. This is not a reflection on you or your worthiness as a partner. It could be that having been in a long term relationship, she just wants to play the field for a bit ... who knows?

 

The things you can do to make yourself feel better are:

 

- stop worrying about her and concentrate on yourself, your future.

- do not accept what you perceive as her judgment of you.

- look at yourself, your good points and let yourself know you're an OK person.

- let yourself know that there are potential partners out there and, when the time's right, you'll find one.

- develop any interests which you haven't yet

 

Hope this helps!

[catfeeder]

I agree with the above; the worst thing you can do for your own head is to mentally police an ex. The worst thing you can do for your ex's head is to mentally police an ex.

 

Exes are exes for a reason. We can all appreciate how hard that is to grasp, yet we can also tell you that the most important thing you can do for both of you is to look forward toward your own future and build it well.

 

In your corner.

[WomanWriter]

Well, I'm not sure, to be honest, but one thing that popped into my head was that maybe you feel especially threatened by someone "casual." I mean, it would just make more sense if she left you for some big love interest but the fact that she is choosing a "dud" over you would seem to be especially insulting. It's like "Not only did she leave me, but she left me for someone she likes even less than me! Why can't she just be with me?!"

 

I guess I would feel that way. I mean shoot...my ex leaves someone he LOVES for someone he doesn't love? Who would do that, right?

 

But as a consolation, the fact that she just wants to be casual with this guy does show that it's really her problem---she can't handle a serious relationship. It's not you, in other words. That would give me some reassurance, at least at first.

 

I'm not sure if this is how you feel, but I wanted to share just in case you see yourself.

[dhjjessel]

my sense of self worth waxes and wanes but most of the time i am certain in my qualities.

Womanwriter has got my drift, though.

I am having difficulty deciding whether she cast me aside because she never considered me seriously (because surely you cant have much respect for someone if you leave them high and dry) or she cast me aside because she couldnt get into a heavy commitment straight out of another one (as she said).

 

the first option makes me hate her for leading me on, but also helps me move on. the second one gives me hope which i shouldnt hold onto

[dhjjessel]

bump can anyone help?

[dhjjessel]

any input?

[Timebandit]

I am not sure what your question is. But I will give you an answer that you probably wont like.

 

From my point of view, this is not about whether she loves this guy or not. This is about you coming to terms with her being your ex. And coming to terms with the fact, that she can live her life in a way that make sense to her, no matter if it makes sense to you. Trying to guess other people motives is a complete waste of time.

 

I think it is important that you create as much distance as possible. Have you applied NC towards her yet? Are you still in some kind of contact with her?

[dhjjessel]

I an strict NC but she is in my friend circle so will not be able to avoid her easily