Friends with benefits issues

[harry77]

Hi all, first time poster and just want a bit of advice (advice from girls would probably help more but guys are welcome to help out too). So i’m a 17 year old guy and i’ve been talking to this girl for a while now. we’ve been friends for years and always kind of had feelings for each other and never really done anything about it :/ anyways, a few months ago we started having sex and had a bit of a “friends with benefits” relationship going. it became obvious that we both had feelings for each other and we both got quite attached. recently she’s decided that we should stop having sex and remain as just friends because she’s afraid we’ll get too attached and hurt each other in the long run. we’ve argued quite a bit since then and i really don’t want it to be like this. we’ve been friends for ages and i really like this girl. any advice on what to do and how to get back together with her would be great. i know we were never really together but i’d love to be and feel like she’s afraid of committing as she “might hurt me”. from my point of view, i don’t see how one cannot be in a relationship because they are afraid of it ending? please help :( thank you!!

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is stop the fwb nonsense and either date her or just be friends. She's correct that no strings sex may hurt her if she's getting too attached. So. Decide. Make her your gf or just be friends.

[harry77]

thank you for your reply, she’s told me that she doesn’t want anything serious at the moment and i think this may be because of her commitment issues. does that mean i should just leave it as friends?

[Billie28]

What 17 year old has commitment issues??!

 

She just doesn’t want a relationship with you and you clearly do.

She wants to be a normal 17 year old and have fun, friends , dating etc.

 

If you value a friendship , then you don’t cross the boundaries of that. Ie have sex.

If you want to date a friend and have a relationship with them, then you own up to that (before crossing the boundary) with the realisation that the friendship is over if they don’t want the same thing.

 

Sounds like your friendship has expired.

[1tym]

If she wants to end the having sex part then you must respect that decision and just be friends moving forward. If she didn't down right say she wanted to be with you then it is where it's at which is just friends. If you are arguing lately with her because of whatever the issues are then stop being that guy and just be a friend to her.

 

At this point it seems you want a relationship and you are the one getting a bit more attached to her and having more feelings towards her. She having feelings for you or being attached could just be you interpreting her actions the way you want to see them. Unless her actions clearly state that she wants to be with you, do as she wants, be friends.

 

Also just because you have had sex before or even in the future doesn't really mean she wants to be with you.

[melancholy123]

You are looking to get laid and she just wants to be friends. If you cant accept that then you cant be friends either. At 17 most girls are busy figuring out who they are and what they want from life and FWB isnt usually on the list.

[katrina1980]

thank you for your reply, she’s told me that she doesn’t want anything serious at the moment and i think this may be because of her commitment issues. does that mean i should just leave it as friends?

 

First off, your reference to "commitment" issues, makes you appear to be much older than 17.

 

I've never heard of teenagers speak this way, it takes years of an established pattern of running away from close intimate relationships to determine if one has such issues.

 

In any event, you said you are 17 so will take you at your word, may I ask how old she is?

 

You didn't say, but if she is same age or approx, no she does not have 'commitment' issues, she's a very young woman, still a teenager, who wants to date, explore life, explore boys, explore no strings sex.

 

As for you, dude!! Lol

 

You're 17!!! What's the rush? Have some fun!

 

Enjoy, you have many many more years to explore "committed" relationships, and frankly imo you are way too young to handle both the emotions and responsibility such a relationship entails.

 

Just enjoy life, date lots of girls, and please always use condoms/protection.

[purplepaisley]

Have you dated her? Have you courted her? Or do you just "hang" and have sex? You're a 17-year-old male, which means the "guy downstairs" is a driving force...you want sex, and lots of it. You don't want the work involved in a relationship, or maybe you don't really know how to build a relationship and woo her. To her, maybe she's feeling like a piece of meat. She's interested in building something with you, but your only interest is getting her to bed. Marriages hit some hard times because couples forget to woo each other. If you want a relationship, woo her. Court her. Show interest in her beyond getting her to bed.

 

Maybe she realized she's not that into you. She sees that you are more interested in her than she is you, and as a result, she realizes she needs to pull the plug on the sex. She wants to go back to being buddies. If that's the case, you have no choices. Cut the cord and move on. Staying friends may not be the best option if you are feeling in love with this person.

 

It's a risk to get involved with a friend romantically. Once you take that step, it more likely than not means the friendship is over...at least at first. Chances are a full separation is required. It's a loss, and it's painful. All things in love and dating are a risk.

 

You are both very young, and very few people live happily ever after with their high school sweetheart. There is way too much change and growing to do. Embrace this time of your life and explore and experience so that somewhere down the road, you are fully prepared and ready to embark on a permanent relationship with someone equally confident.

[Afireblue]

If you want to get back "together" with her to continue the fwb situation then I say leave her be and find someone else as she has clearly said just friends.

 

Now, if you have feelings for her, then own them, you can try by doing nice things, be a gentleman, court her, make her feel special and ask her on a real romantic date (no sex). If she is into you she will accept, if she says no, then that's your answer

[Rose Mosse]

Respect her and respect yourself. She's telling you what she doesn't want. It's not your job to second guess her or Dr Phil your way into her mind. If she doesn't want anything serious with you, she doesn't want anything serious with you. Period.

 

Respect yourself enough to know when to stop and leave things alone. Move on with your life. This relationship is not fulfilling to you.

[Gary Snyder]

Well, if she does not want to relationship to continue the way it is, there is nothing you can do but be friends.

 

No problem, find another lady to date.

[reinventmyself]

i know we were never really together but i’d love to be and feel like she’s afraid of committing as she “might hurt me”. from my point of view,

 

When someone backs up because they are afraid that they may ultimately hurt you, is a kind way of telling you they don't have romantic feelings for you. She senses you've caught feelings for her and she wants to back out of a fwb arrangement nicely so things don't go sideways.

 

You were friends before, she's hoping things don't get messy and you can go back to being friends again, just friends.

[Tinydance]

When someone backs up because they are afraid that they may ultimately hurt you, is a kind way of telling you they don't have romantic feelings for you. She senses you've caught feelings for her and she wants to back out of a fwb arrangement nicely so things don't go sideways.

 

You were friends before, she's hoping things don't get messy and you can go back to being friends again, just friends.

 

100% this! I actually don't think she has real feelings for you beyond friendship and enjoying riding your penis lol If she had feelings I don't think she would be fobbing you off with these excuses. When people fancy someone they usually want to make an effort to make it work. She said she doesn't want a relationship and I would guess what she means is "relationship with you". I highly doubt she has actual commitment issues. I think she was just trying to be nice and soften the blow by saying "I don't want to hurt you". You should probably have a bit of a break from her all together and try to move on before you resume the friendship.

[Sportster2005]

I think you were given an excuse, not a reason. Regardless, she's made it clear where you stand. The only option you have now is to respect her wishes. Trying to get back with her will have the opposite effect you're looking for.