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why does communication break down in relationship?


gingerlemon

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I'm having some marriage issues which I won't go into in detail, but it's prompted me to think about the question in the title. I know that I carry a lot of responsibility for not communicating properly with my H. I've now reached a point where I simply don't say a lot of the things that I feel like saying, and I'm not honest about how unhappy I am. I am trying to find a way to address that, and part of that process is also trying to find out why I ended up here in the first place.

 

More generally, when I read posts on ENA and similar forums I often think (or respond) 'have you discussed this with your partner' or 'if you talk to him/her about it, the problem is likely to be resolved' (or if not resolved as such, at least progress towards an outcome). So, while I think I might be a particularly bad case, I think my problem is reflective of things that happen in a lot of relationships. It strikes me how many people seem to find it difficult to communicate directly and openly with their partners (don't get me wrong, I'm sure a lot of people do that, too - but with a significant group who don't, even if we are in the minority).

 

Here are some of the mistakes I think I have done. I have sometimes not communicated honestly because

- I didn't think that my feelings were valid or 'acceptable', that I didn't have the 'right' to feel the way I did

- I was worried about his reaction and that he would think less of me

- I spoke my mind, but then received a very emotional reaction (my H, in his own words, tends to react very emotionally at first and then reflect more later) which made me 'shut down'

- I was (still am, but I'm working on it) conflict avoidant

 

Now, I'm trying to do some proper work on myself, to address the here and now but also so I can 'unlearn' this behavioural pattern.

 

So I was wondering if anyone had reflections on why and how communication breaks down in relationship, and whether others had personal experiences or tips and strategies to share. Personally, I'm just trying to be much more aware of my negative behavioural patterns and in turn change my behaviours. But I still feel I have a very long way to go.

 

 

ETA: sorry about the typo in the title, that should of course be 'relationships'. I don't know how to edit it now.

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I've been married for quite a few years and our communication is,........I can't even think of a good word. 'Why' it breaks down though? Over the years for me, has been because it doesn't ever seem to matter what I say. If I offer understanding, compromise, or argue my point, or whatever the situation, it never seems to help. Lately, I don't say anything. I keep telling myself, 'for what?'

I come to a close on something we discussed and think we've agreed on or solved and move on, but then two weeks later it is like we never had the conversation. Seems pointless.

That is my relationship though. I do feel very similar in what you said in the first paragraph, in not saying anything.

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I think you've covered most of the issues I've noticed from prior relationships. My last long term relationship suffered terribly from a lack of communication. Most of it stemmed from the fact that she avoided conflict at all costs. Which comes in combination of that plus not having the self-esteem to speak up for yourself.

 

She was extremely introverted so she would let most things go and that is something I highly do not recommend in a relationship. When issues come up, learn to deal with them with you partner as soon as you can. Pick your battles of course, but assert yourself and make your feelings known. You cannot communicate with someone when you have to guess what's going on inside their head. You cannot come to an agreement when it's a one-way street and one partner cannot voice their opinion, whether it be from internal or external reasons.

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good communication...

 

it's all about safety isn't it? do i feel safe in sharing myself as a vulnerable human being, confident and encouraged with the knowledge of knowing that someone is truly hearing (clarity and understanding) me? what happens if i don't feel that? i'll probably feel reluctant to share. and if i don't share, can i really expect my partner to understand me? and what happens if i continue to feel unable to share? i'll probably begin to foster feelings of negativity towards my partner, compounding an already fragile state of affairs. it starts a cycle of attack and defend...and endless struggle.

 

it's tough...no doubt. i think a lot of it hinges on the fact that we make assumptions about what other people are thinking and feeling. we hear something, and we interpret it in our own way without stopping to consider that we've perhaps interpreted in an entirely different way than our partner intended. and we roll with that. i think we're habituated to see the world through our own mental filter, and we struggle to accept that others see things in different ways. but we do. a thousand people will have a thousand different interpretations of the same fixed event.

 

i think it's about learning to listen. it's about bridging the gaps that our assumptive thinking creates. it's about teaching our partner how to hear us...and reciprocating that. the greatest obstacle to communication is a lack of clarity. it's not that people are crazy and unreasonable (even if they are sometimes), it's that we are unable to see past the surface of that and foster understanding. we go straight to our habituated response of attack and defend.

 

people who feel heard, feel safe. people who feel safe, share. people who share, are open to expressing their vulnerability. and vulnerability is the breeding ground for authentic human connection.

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I've been married for quite a few years and our communication is,........I can't even think of a good word. 'Why' it breaks down though? Over the years for me, has been because it doesn't ever seem to matter what I say. If I offer understanding, compromise, or argue my point, or whatever the situation, it never seems to help. Lately, I don't say anything. I keep telling myself, 'for what?'

I come to a close on something we discussed and think we've agreed on or solved and move on, but then two weeks later it is like we never had the conversation. Seems pointless.

That is my relationship though. I do feel very similar in what you said in the first paragraph, in not saying anything.

 

I'm just curious, have you called your partner out on this? To tell her things like 'it doesn't seem to matter to you what I say'? I have increasingly been trying to be direct when my H says things that in turn makes me shut down (such as just cutting me off or stop listening before I've completed the first few sentences or just react very emotionally). He has been receptive to a lot of that. He often forgets, but he is aware of it more now than before. I wish I had done this many years ago I do think we have communication issues that go well beyond that particular aspect, but it feels good to just express how I experience the situation.

 

 

I think you've covered most of the issues I've noticed from prior relationships. My last long term relationship suffered terribly from a lack of communication. Most of it stemmed from the fact that she avoided conflict at all costs. Which comes in combination of that plus not having the self-esteem to speak up for yourself.

 

She was extremely introverted so she would let most things go and that is something I highly do not recommend in a relationship. When issues come up, learn to deal with them with you partner as soon as you can. Pick your battles of course, but assert yourself and make your feelings known. You cannot communicate with someone when you have to guess what's going on inside their head. You cannot come to an agreement when it's a one-way street and one partner cannot voice their opinion, whether it be from internal or external reasons.

 

Sounds like I share a lot of her weaknesses, although I'm not that introverted. I struggle more with it in this relationship than in my previous one, because we have quite different styles of communication to begin with (I don't mean that as an excuse, just that it's a different set of dynamics to relate to which I'm finding more challenging). But I'm trying to progress.

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good communication...

 

it's all about safety isn't it? do i feel safe in sharing myself as a vulnerable human being, confident and encouraged with the knowledge of knowing that someone is truly hearing (clarity and understanding) me? what happens if i don't feel that? i'll probably feel reluctant to share. and if i don't share, can i really expect my partner to understand me? and what happens if i continue to feel unable to share? i'll probably begin to foster feelings of negativity towards my partner, compounding an already fragile state of affairs.

 

Exactly. And it's exactly that safety I haven't felt. But that safety has to come from within me, and I have to stop relying on my surroundings (or at least as much as I do now) to achieve it. I have felt unable to share in my relationship for a long time now. It's really extremely damaging.

 

it's tough...no doubt. i think a lot of it hinges on the fact that we make assumptions about what other people are thinking and feeling. we hear something, and we interpret it in our own way without stopping to consider that we've perhaps interpreted in an entirely different way than our partner intended. and we roll with that. i think we're habituated to see the world through our own mental filter, and we struggle to accept that others see things in different ways. but we do. a thousand people will have a thousand different interpretations of the same fixed event.

 

i think it's about learning to listen. it's about bridging the gaps that our assumptive thinking creates. it's about teaching our partner how to hear us...and reciprocating that. the greatest obstacle to communication is a lack of clarity. it's not that people are crazy and unreasonable (even if they are sometimes), it's that we are unable to see past the surface of that and foster understanding. we go straight to our habituated response of attack and defend.

 

All of this is so true.

 

I do think I listen well, though. My H has always said to me that he feels very 'seen' and 'heard' and supported by me, that I always understand him and say the 'right things' to make him feel better. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same way. I'm not saying it's his fault, though.

 

people who feel heard, feel safe. people who feel safe, share. people who share, are open to expressing their vulnerability. and vulnerability is the breeding ground for authentic human connection.

 

That's beautifully said.

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I think that initial communication efforts that are not sucessful, and therefore do not make us feel safe or heard, become bricks in the walls we put up to protect ourselves.

 

So what is key is finding a way to communicate w/ our SO's so that we feel safe/heard, and we in turn listen and provide that same foundation for them. For instance, I tend to analyze a situation to the nth degree before broaching it to my bf. However, he needs to mull it over for a few days (understandably) before he is ready to talk about it. So, we have learned that his initial response, which at first appeared as though he wasn't listening or wasn't tuned in to how important it was --- was neither. He always comes back in a few days and says "I thought about what you said and....."

 

It has totally changed the dynamic of our communications to understand how we each process --- and respond.

 

In your case, it sounds like your H. is open to dealing with this issue. You just have to, through a bit of trial and error, find what way works best for each of you.

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Yes, I think this is really important. One thing I've learned (and this was some years back, not recently) was that my H would typically get very emotional and dramatic at first, but would then go away and come back some hours or days later having thought a lot about it and have a much more measured response. So that was an important realisation when I understood that. The problem with me is that even knowing this, I retain some negative reactions to the initial emotional outburst. I know I shouldn't take it seriously or let it affect me, but I still do sometimes. It depends a bit on the context. But I often allow it to drain me, even though I shouldn't.

 

H is definitely open to discussing and working on it. For myself, I haven't actually been able to really articulate the issues to myself until recently. So it's kind of new to me, even though it's old, if that makes any sense.

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I get the "it's new, but old"....sometimes it can take a while to determine WHY you feel uncomfortable....to find the root cause, as it were. That you are examining things and willing to work on them is the key to communication. I have found that using a little humor goes a long way to instantly dissolving tension --for example, I said what I asked a very open, vulnerable question of my bf....he basically grunted a response. I checked my feelings, realized he didn't get how important it was to me...and said to him "the correct response would have been.......". He gave me a big hug, said the words....and gave me a look that let me know he "knew" I was vulnerable -- -but his initial reaction was to "joke" his way out of it.

 

I guess my point is --- figure out why you are feeling the way you feel is half the battle. But don't assume something you may have blown into epic proportions is viewed the same way by your SO.....

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Thanks, that's exactly how I feel. If I can only get more clarity on this, it would much easier to act upon and address it.

 

I'm using the humour strategy and it really works a lot of the time, especially in the context of the dramatic responses. If I pitch it at the level, it makes him laugh at himself, it relieves my initial negative response, and it creates a joint awareness of how it affects the dynamics between us. So that's one small piece of progress that I'm grateful for.

 

Could you expand on the bit in the bold? Because it kinds of seems important but I'm not quite sure what it means.

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Well -- for instance -- just last week, we were having a discussion, and I didn't feel I was being heard, so I stormed out (I am more a "flight" than fight kind of person). I went for a long walk, came back --- apologized for "running out", and we talked about the issue. But because I had over analyzed it to death before I brought it up --- my bf's response was brief and concise....because he didn't even see it as a problem. He basically had just said "ok" --- and while I didn't want to talk it to death, I felt so invested in the topic that although he agreed w/ me....it wasn't enough!!!

 

So -- I made the issue into a huge deal --- presented it to him, he was "fine, lets do it your way", and again -- gave me a big hug. He doesn't overthink -- he just thinks, responds and puts it behind him. We are learning....and luckily for me, he is a patient sort of fellow.

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Ah, I see. Thanks for that. I think for me, it's a bit the opposite in some ways. Things I think are relatively straight forward sometimes cause reactions from my H that I don't anticipate, where my experience of the situation is that he complicates things. But I do definitely tend to overanalyse things sometimes before putting them on the table.

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So - to get back to your original question ---I think communication breaks down because people don't put in the effort to find a means of communicating that works for both sides....for instance, I could never be w/ someone who yells...

 

Once you found it, then you need to clear the air every once in a while to get rid of simmering minor issues, which, if ignored, just grow.

 

When people quit trying --- the whole thing breaks down.

 

However, the benefits and rewards so far outweigh the effort it takes to clean up the minor debris that it's something you just got to do!

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So - to get back to your original question ---I think communication breaks down because people don't put in the effort to find a means of communicating that works for both sides....for instance, I could never be w/ someone who yells...

 

Once you found it, then you need to clear the air every once in a while to get rid of simmering minor issues, which, if ignored, just grow.

 

When people quit trying --- the whole thing breaks down.

 

However, the benefits and rewards so far outweigh the effort it takes to clean up the minor debris that it's something you just got to do!

 

Thanks. I'm definitely bad at clearing the air. I'm going to put that on my list of things to work on.

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hey ginger,

 

just an afterthought...

 

i know what you mean about feeling heard. it's funny how different people in our lives operate with different dynamics. i can think of a number of people who have acknowledged to me that they tend to feel heard when they talk to me...but with those people, it doesn't tend to feel reciprocal. and then, there are one or two people who i feel very safe with...always heard...and just very at ease with. but i'm not sure those people feel the same with me.

 

this will probably seem quite obvious...and probably something you've already considered (but in the spirit of minimizing assumptions i'll say it anyway). i think when someone isn't hearing us, the tendency is to assign much of the responsibility to the person who isn't hearing. i think in reality the responsibility must be shared. the onus is as much on you to figure out a way to be effectively heard as it is for your partner to discover it. a mutual project.

 

it sounds like you've already acknowledged that. i think it's essentially what mhowe was getting at. it involves an effort from both ends...a willingness to explore and grow together. so long as that willingness is there from both ends, it seems likely that you'll continue to overcome any obstacles that you encounter.

 

i think it's great.

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Thanks, that's an excellent insight. I have had thoughts around that but you formulated it very crisply.

 

I also agree with your first point, although I think I've experienced both what you outline and also the cases where it's more mutual and just flows naturally in both directions.

 

I definitely agree with the general gist of me taking more (full) responsibility for my part of the equation. I'm really trying to work on that now. I do sometimes have moments, though, where I just wish it flowed a bit more natural between us. But I know it doesn't really help to think that way.

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Thanks, that's an excellent insight. I have had thoughts around that but you formulated it very crisply.

 

I also agree with your first point, although I think I've experienced both what you outline and also the cases where it's more mutual and just flows naturally in both directions.

 

I definitely agree with the general gist of me taking more (full) responsibility for my part of the equation. I'm really trying to work on that now. I do sometimes have moments, though, where I just wish it flowed a bit more natural between us. But I know it doesn't really help to think that way.

 

I think it will flow naturally in time -- and in fact, the more you come to understand each others' way of hearing and processing information, less words will be necessary....kind of like riding a bike. When you first learned, it took a lot of thought and conscious balancing ---- and then one day, you could ride w/out touching the handlebars! I think you're definitely on the right path!

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I think it will flow naturally in time -- and in fact, the more you come to understand each others' way of hearing and processing information, less words will be necessary....kind of like riding a bike. When you first learned, it took a lot of thought and conscious balancing ---- and then one day, you could ride w/out touching the handlebars! I think you're definitely on the right path!

 

I hope so, but I'm not too sure of that. My H has even commented that I communicate much better with friends than with him. I know that a lot of that is down to things I can work on. But I just don't think it can be eliminated completely. I just have to take that for what it is, I think. Of course some things flow much easier for us now than they did when we first married, so I see what you mean. But I think there are also some basic differences at play. But of course, they can be improved.

 

Thanks for the encouragement

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I am very much like you - avoiding conflict is big with me and with my husband.

I recently had an issue of feeling dis-connected with my hubby because he would brush me off if he was at work, yet call me at work if he needed something. Things were strained between us for two weeks because I tried discussing it (in a non-accusatory fashion) and when he did not acknowledge the behaviour or try to change it, I became resentful.

 

Eventually, I got a simple text from him saying something like "hey you." I texted back "I love you" and then that night I said "Oh, BTW, thanks for the text today - it really made a difference in my afternoon!"

 

Since that day, he has called or texted during his breaks and I always thank him for it. This morning he even called to say he was headed out east and would lose reception, so he wanted me to know he loved me.

 

For us, the short conversation and positive reinforcement has worked very well to improve our communication.

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That's interesting. I think our dynamics are kind of opposite - he feels he isn't getting enough attention from me. I'm trying to be a bit more attentive. I'm glad things are working out for the two of you

 

Buy or download the book Love Languages by Dr. Chapman. It will do wonders for your understanding of how to communicate effectively w/ a SO.

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Yes, I've seen different people refer to that book. I'll look into it. Thanks!

 

Actually, I think it is called the 5 Languages of Love.....I know I got the author right!

 

I read it during break up, and it totally solidified what I at some level knew, but I think you will find it really enlightening....and if it doesn't get you on the same page, it will at least get you guys in the same book!!!!

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I look at this online now, not the whole book but different online information about it. I think the concept is helpful, but I think my problem is less about us not knowing each other's languages, and more about me simply being unable to express myself. I kind of know what his needs are, but I don't always act on them. And I know what I want to say, but can't say it.

 

When I write it out like this, I realise how messed up it is

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Most skills in life require regular training/exercise. You wouldn't expect to be able to run a marathon tomorrow, just because you decided to do one. In relationships it's not any different. Thus if you want to acquire new skills as an individual or as a couple, you have to be willing to invest the time to learn.

 

What many people fail to realize is that you should start training your communication skills when everything is fine and there are no issues. In this way you can try to learn the differences how both of you like to express yourself and what kind of initial response you can handle best without having the added stress of an issue between you.

 

What worked really well for me (not that I am married yet): no matter what is going on in my life/ my partner's life - we would have a kind of weekly "state of the relationship" date. An opportunity to check in with each other what was going on with us as individuals and to share that with the other person in a relaxed and fun atmosphere. Doesn't mean that you are not communicating on the other days, but it ensures that even if life is hectic, we both know that we had set time aside to address things calmly if there was a need. It also breeds a knowledge of knowing you will have time to express whatever you feel is necessary.

 

By having a set time/date, we also both had the opportunity to think about what it was that we want to tell the other. Sometimes it's not good to bring something up immediately while you are experiencing the first initial emotional reaction and not even sure yet what the emotional reaction is about. Some seeming issues also dissipate if you give it a few days, and realize it wasn't as dramatic as you initially thought.

 

However, if there was something serious to bring up, you had the time to think through your arguments and seed out what is important and what is not.

 

By combining these talks with a date (at home or out of the house) you also created an atmosphere that was emphasizing the overall goal of wanting to find solutions/compromises/understanding together. You both know you are not going in as 'adversaries', but as team members trying to figure out game improving strategies.

 

As to feelings: no feeling is unjustified as such - it's only important what you do and expect in consequence that may seem to make those feelings unreasonable or not.

 

The better you know what YOUR feelings are about, the easier it will be for you to tell your partner what the important message is. If you don't know yet why you are upset or angry about something - take some more time till you have figured that out for yourself until you bring it up with your partner.

 

As to your husband reacting with an emotional immediate response: encourage him to learn to identify what those emotions are about and to express it differently. Usually extreme initial emotional responses are triggered in response to fear. The fear could be about many things. It doesn't have to be making sense to you, but if he is feeling fear - he needs to figure out what it is about. Once he knows he may be able to express what could be done not to trigger that fear response and in consequence you wouldn't have to experience this response.

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