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Move or Stay


Jetta

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Mom threatens if I move she will cut me out of the will. Technically that's already been done. I have already agreed to move into apartment, and I worry the ramifications of cancelling 3 weeks before move in. It's subsidized. I jumped through many hoops to get approved.

 

But I don't want to be cut out by family either, and she threatens to. I did tell her I've decided to stay and haven't yet cancelled apartment. She's like call Monday. There's more to it than a phone call, my case manager is working on getting me furniture for example.

 

Truth is I see what my therapist is saying is true my mom manipulated me, she's caring more for her needs than mine. And frankly I need my own space, I don't have it here. But I'm wondering what the right decision is. Because I have to decide once and for all.

 

Mom will kick me out, if I tell her I'm moving. I might get blacklisted if I cancel the apartment. I'm being turned into a liar either way.

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My gut tells me you should follow through with the apartment. Be done with her manipulation.

 

But obviously, it's your choice.

 

Do you even know what's in the will? You should ask to see it. That way, you know what she's actually holding over your head.

 

Keep in mind that she can always change her will. She can always threaten to withhold something. That's why I think it would be better for you to become independent from her will. Taking the apartment would be a major step towards this independence.

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Truth is I see what my therapist is saying is true my mom manipulated me, she's caring more for her needs than mine. And frankly I need my own space, I don't have it here..

There's your answer. It's time for you to live your own life in your own space. You've wanted this for a long time, now you have the opportunity. Don't cancel.

 

ETA: OP, I recall you have a history of moving out, then go back to your mother, then move out again, then back again etc etc. I think you once said that you're not an independent person and that being on your own freaks you out and that you're either attached to your mom or a man. You need to cut the apron strings and living your OWN life once and for all. But I predict you'll be going back to your mom eventually. Hopefully not.

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I am going to wager that mom will be upset for a time, but if 6 months, a year, 2 years go by and she does not need to bail you out again, she may relax because she has bailed you out too many times. So put everyting into employment, your mental health and your daughter - and stay away from sketchy men or dating at all for awhile. You can succeed - but remember = living on your own may lead to temptation (men, distracting tangeants - putting money into the wrong things and loneliness). Make your choices wisely once you move out.

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My move date is April 12th, mom wants me out by the 1st if I plan to move. That would create a problem. Family vacation planned the 3rd to the 5th.Been told if I move to drive myself, reservation in my name is why. Apartment does say I can move up the date, but my disability doesn't come until the 3rd same day as trip. Money saved not enough for rent and deposit. Stressed thinking about it so I lied because the pressure was too intense.

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She likes the help around the house, doesn't want to live alone. Thinks I'll relapse. I pay half for groceries and rent she likes the money. She thinks apt is too small and lacks amenities I'm accustomed to. Thinks I'll get depressed living there. Those are a few of the reasons I got.

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Forget family vacation and get your apartment.

 

Vacation will feel like prison knowing you exchanged it for independence. Moving forward takes commitment, and the commitment will carry you through. Do you want to keep living this anxious push-pull with your mom forever? Your future is up to you. Commit yourself to yourself, and do what you need to do, for you. You are SUPPOSED to come first. If you stay in place, recognize that you are choosing to do so. It is time to make a different choice.

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If you decide to move out I recommend you cut out unnecessary expenses like the diet coach and the personal trainer so you won't be back in the position of being forced to move back with Mom due to financial reasons.

 

Does being cut of of the will worry you that much?

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Moving out really scares me, family backlash is huge. Brother against it too.

I really don't understand. Jetta, you knew all of this before, yet you still went ahead and applied for the apartment. Why? If moving out scares you so much, you're attached to your mother, not very independent etc, why on earth bother moving out in the first place? You've done this so many times before. I don't get it.

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There are enormous rewards that come from living your own l8fe. I do not unxerstanx why your famiky would hold you hoztage with thfeat of expulsion. That is not a l9ving thing to do; itz manipukation among other things.

 

I don't know your whole situation but I bet that freeing yourself from this situation will be difficult and then tremendously freeing. It feels demeaning to oneself to allow oneself to he bribed, blackmailed, etc. Get free.

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This is the ultimate test for your independence. You either take it or go back to square 1 like before. I wouldn't fall for their manipulation tactics. They'll come around when you prove them you can make it on your own.

 

That is exactly how I feel. Like it's a test. And it's very difficult for me. They are my safety net in life and they are threatening to pull it. They have before when I was young, leading me to poor decisions.

 

They believe I can't handle life on my own. My psychiatrist believes I can, therapist, group members, etc know I can, they're doing it. I was excited it's in my ideal location. Waited 2 years for apartment. Guess mom thought it would never come up. She just says living alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. I know that's true.

 

It's hard living with family and going against them. She was pressuring me constantly I forgot what I wanted and why I was doing it, I caved. Just to get her off my back. But it's so much easier with their support than not.

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If you move you don't need to listen to them or deal with them. They'll come around. Your therapist is more qualified to say what you're ready to or not than your family, specially if they hold you back and are not truly supporting your independence. Your mother can find a roomate if the issue is money and help around the house.

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Money saved not enough for rent and deposit.

 

Here's your answer. Jetta, you're still not financially stable enough to make it on your own. You have a history of moving out of Mom's prematurely, so her backlash is likely because she's tired of worrying about you. When you're with her she doesn't need to worry, when you eject it's only a matter of a short time that you're financially destitute and need to move back with her. She's trying to avoid another yo-yo, and she's using any ammunition she has.

 

If you don't have enough saved, why are you doing this? Not having the bare bones just to move in means you don't have an emergency fund saved and you aren't ready. You're pulling the same mistake you always make. I'd talk to your social worker and explain the problem, and I'd put the brakes on the apartment.

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Jetta, you talk about money issues, yet you add expenses like musical equipment, a diet coach and a personal trainer.

 

I believe you still owe money to the last apartment you moved into (after which you returned to your mom's) as well as owing money to your mom and brother.

 

I presume your therapist knows about your financial status? And she/he still recommends you move out?

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Yes therapist knows finances. And how meshed they are with family. How mom likes to spend my money by buying things and say here's what you owe. She thinks I'll be stronger financially on my own. I'm very much in a different place than I was.

 

I don't pay for diet coach or therapy, insurance covers. Also she thinks the timing is perfect. My mom rented out another room in the house. 2 rooms are rented of 5 bedroom house. One used to be grandaugthers room.

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I can't tell. What is standing in your way? Fear or practical concerns? I don't mean to diminish your familial concerns. I can't tell what is real, like, concretely factual.

 

You might feel better if you calculate how quickly you can accumulate savings equal to one month of essential expenses. Treat that number like the number zero. That's your minimum bank balance. If you can save one month, can you save another? That's your safety net.

 

Its recommended that we have 3, 6, or 9 months of expenses on hand in savings. I have never sustained that. I would have been more peaceful if I had.

 

On the other hand, I did pay my bills. I canceled all pay services - no cable, no paper or magazines, no internet subscriptions. No eating out and eat at home before meeting friends out. No drinks. Walk a lot. That enabled me to get through some lean times. But you gotta pay your landlord. Life gets harder and harder when you leave people hanging.

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