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Guy that I have a crush on is playing MIND games!


thegirl_00

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I have been in university all summer long with the same group of 12 people. My class consists of all girls except for 2 boys and one of them drives me to school everyday, his name is Brad.

 

I noticed about a month ago that Brad liked me. I did not like him at this time, and besides for us car pooling I would try to keep my distance so that I didn't lead him on.

 

This past weekend, he invited me out to his lake. I agreed to go, only because he invited a few other people from class as well. While I was out there, Brad and I ended up making out. I actually developed a crush on him over the weekend, but I noticed that after we had our make out session, he started making a lot of sexual remarks towards me and it offended me. I told him to stop making inappropriate comments because they were offending me and then I told him that "what happened between us was a mistake". I guess I used the wrong choice of words, because at that point he was super upset and told me he didn't want to drive me to school.

 

After some convincing he ended up driving me to school on Monday, but he didn't say ONE word to me. He was flirting with every other girl in class, putting his arm around them, flirting with them, etc. Of course this made me jealous, so I decided to tell him how i felt.

 

I explained to him that I like him, and that i DIDN't think us making out was a mistake per say, but that i was offended that he was making sexual remarks to me afterward. He told me that he likes me too and he apologized for making inappropriate comments. After clearing the air i was convinced everything would go back to normal, but i was wrong.

 

In class he was once AGAIN hitting on every girl in class in front of me. Hardly talked to me at all! I was in SUCH a foul mood because of this. I felt sooo stupid for telling him that I liked him, only to have him hitting on everyone else.

 

I sent him a text after class today saying "You sure have an interesting way of showing someone you like them, lol"

 

he responded by saying "Well so do you. I was a mistake, as you said. One day I will meet someone who wont think that I am a mistake."

 

Oh my gosh, I feel like he is playing mind games or something! I don't need this stress while in university!

 

What should I do? Am I supposed to CONVINCE him that I like him?

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You're flashing hot and cold with him. First you don't like him, then you make out with him. Then you tell him making out with him with was a mistake. Of course he's going to move on, and not going to take you seriously if you say you're interested again.

 

He's not playing mind games. He told you straight out - he's not interested in pursuing something with you, and for good reason.

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I agree with Godless_Heathen. And i would move on. Also, if you were making out with him...wouldn't it be normal for him to make some sexual remarks if you were hot and heavy?? Maybe he just mistook you for a girl who liked that kind of talk during that situation? But maybe I don't know anything...

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You're flashing hot and cold with him. First you don't like him, then you make out with him. Then you tell him making out with him with was a mistake. Of course he's going to move on, and not going to take you seriously if you say you're interested again.

 

He's not playing mind games. He told you straight out - he's not interested in pursuing something with you, and for good reason.

 

Well he never really told me he isn't interested. He told me just YESTERDAY he likes me. But then still decided to hit on every girl in class regardless.

 

Also, after him and I had our texting conversation, I called him because I wanted to clear the air. I asked him if he wanted to swing by to study and he said "I am assuming you are only asking me this because someone else canceled on you and I am second choice." I told him he was being silly and the offer is open. He said he would think about.... THEN, ONE minute later, he calls me asking if he can come over at that VERY second, but I told him I was just about to take a nap and we can later.

 

I don't even know if it is worth me inviting him to study though! I don't want things to be even more awkward and make a fool of myself trying to CHASE him if he doesn't even want anything to do with me! Ugh, I can't help but to feel embarrassed.

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You kind of put yourself into a trick bag with him. You did no harm in telling him that you liked him. It's just the part where you left and then went back to him. The minute a guy disrespects you and you cut him off, cut him off for good; don't go back to him because it's only going to solidify one thing is his mine. "I can do any damn thing I want to her, and she'll come back." We're like sharks out here, if we smell blood we attack. Never give yourself to somebody who's going to disrespect you. Right now, he figures he's got you locked in to what he's doing and that's what he wants. That's where all the flirting with other women is coming from because he knows that you're watching him, thinking about him. Not only is it now damaging you, but it's stroking his ego to know that for you to see him with somebody else is messing you up. Act like he doesn't exist, like you don't see him or even hear him. Don't look his way and try your best to avoid him at all costs. Find your own ride to school, too.

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Also, after him and I had our texting conversation, I called him because I wanted to clear the air. I asked him if he wanted to swing by to study and he said "I am assuming you are only asking me this because someone else canceled on you and I am second choice." I told him he was being silly and the offer is open. He said he would think about.... THEN, ONE minute later, he calls me asking if he can come over at that VERY second, but I told him I was just about to take a nap and we can later.

 

Can't you see how you are giving him mixed messages here?
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I think he still likes you and that you didn't make it clear enough that you wanted some sort of relationship with him.

 

Well I called him after he sent me the last text because I thought we could talk about it like adults. But he just kept changing the subject and was super awkward. I asked him if he wanted to come over to study (thinking this would SHOW him I am interested) but he got upset and accused me of only asking him to hang out because I had nothing better to do.

 

Now I just feel embarrassed and am extremely worried things are going to be SO awkward in class tomorrow. Can you think of anything I can do just to make things normal? Am I supposed continue showing him I like him? I am so confused!

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I think he still likes you, too. I think he's still feeling very hurt (how would YOU feel if someone you liked described you as a 'mistake'?), and hitting on all the other girls in the group is him pretending to you that he doesn't care - and punishing you a bit, as well.

 

Unfortunately, your comment

"You sure have an interesting way of showing someone you like them, lol"
is unlikely to help you get closer to him again.

 

It could be that he'll get bored with flirting with a load of girls he isn't really interested in, and will get back to you again. Maybe not. A good course of action would be to keep your dignity, be pleasant and friendly and don't make any more sarcastic comments. His behaviour is self-contradictory - but then yours has been as well, and if you want to have a relationship with this guy you really need to be careful that you say what you mean, resist the temptation to get back at him in any way and just play it straight.

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But he just kept changing the subject and was super awkward. I asked him if he wanted to come over to study (thinking this would SHOW him I am interested) but he got upset and accused me of only asking him to hang out because I had nothing better to do.

It might have helped your cause more if you told him that you're sorry for what's happened recently, that there seems to have been a lot of misunderstanding and that you don't want to go over it again (he obviously finds it embarrassing, too) and that you'd like to start again.

 

Instead of asking him if he wants to come over - which is actually manipulative, even though you don't intend it that way - it would be much more honest if you said you'd like him to come over, and that you're looking forward to his company.

 

Good luck, whatever happens.

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So you think I should avoid talking about the way I feel about him, and just pretend him hitting on every girl in class doesn't bother me?

 

Ya I would really like to keep my dignity. I feel like I have lost a bit of it already.

 

Its also embarrassing because only ONE person in my class knows that him and I made out, but everyone can tell that Brad likes me. He is making it very uncomfortable for all the other women in my class because they are all aware that there is SOMETHING going on between Brad and I, but they aren't sure what.

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So you think I should avoid talking about the way I feel about him, and just pretend him hitting on every girl in class doesn't bother me?

 

Ya I would really like to keep my dignity. I feel like I have lost a bit of it already.

 

Its also embarrassing because only ONE person in my class knows that him and I made out, but everyone can tell that Brad likes me. He is making it very uncomfortable for all the other women in my class because they are all aware that there is SOMETHING going on between Brad and I, but they aren't sure what.

You need to be honest about the way you feel about him - not saying things you don't mean, and not making sarcastic comments. Yes, by ALL MEANS pretend that him hitting on every girl in class doesn't bother you. That's part of keeping your dignity. And it will also make it less likely that he'll use this as a way of punishing you in the future - if he thinks it doesn't have the desired effect.

 

(I once went to an afternoon drinks party with a guy who was really flirtatious with all the other women and virtually ignored me, so much so that other guys assumed I was there on my own. And chatted me up. Original guy was most put out. Fnarr! I raised one eyebrow and smiled sweetly when he complained, and I said nothing. Dignity intact!)

 

If Brad's making it uncomfortable for the other women - let him. Either they'll deal with it, and may well realise they're being used for the purposes of punishing you, or they'll just wonder. Let them. The way he behaves is a statement about who he is, not who you are.

 

I realise that some of the advice I've given here may sound contradictory, and you need to be very, very careful about the difference between expressing your feelings about him (essential that you express these clearly, after all that's happened) and wanting him to behave differently (which is ultimately controlling and will be counter-productive for the reasons stated above). Don't let him know that his provocative behaviour has worked.

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I agree with everyone else that you need to be clear.

 

Another example - You texted the study offer and assured him that he was your first choice...so he probably thought "wow" and then called you IMMEDIATELY wanting to come over. And you rejected him. Told him you wanted to take a nap. A nap? A valid excuse when you are really into someone and haven't been dating a year is to say "the heck with the nap" and grab a protein shake or even some caffeine while he is on the way over. You gave him the equivelant of "i can't go out, I wash my hair today" If I were him, I wouldn't try again. A guy might pursue initially, but if he gets mixed signals he is going to put his attention elsewhere and rightfully so.

 

He is either going to give up and stay away or think you are just a tease, and I am not talking about sex.

 

If you wanted to set a boundary and didn't want him running right over, you should have said "how about in half an hour?" or "would you like to go for tacos at 6 before we study?" In other words, definite firm plans rather than "MAYBE later."

 

Figure out what you want. And then don't play games. You don't have to profess love, but don't say "no" when you really mean "yes" and make it up to him to see through it.

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Brad drove me to school today. On the drive to school I asked him if he would like me to take him to Sushi tomorrow. He laughed and said "whatever you want to do, it doesn't matter." I convinced him that I would really like to go out with him sometime, but he completely shrugged me off and changed the subject completely. He then BLASTED the music so I couldn't talk anymore. At that point I took the hint, and realized he wanted nothing to do with me in that sense.

 

Sure enough, even though I saved him a spot in class he decided to sit far away. So I decided to give up on trying to SHOW him that I like him. He was hitting on the girls in class all day (again), but I wouldn't even LOOK in his direction when he did this. Instead I focused on my school work and joked around with a few girl friends. I ended up having a really good day regardless.

 

By the end of the day I could tell he was starting to become in more and more of a foul mood. On the car ride home I asked him if he was ok and he told me that he is "tired and in a bad mood."

 

After us sitting in silence for awhile, he asked me if I wanted to come over to study with him. I agreed and we ended up making out for an hour, studying a bit, and then I went home. He walked me to the door and asked me if i would like to go to his cabin tomorrow after class. I agreed.

 

How can it be that he goes from one minute to wanting nothing to do with me, to asking me to spend the weekend with him at his cabin?

 

I don't understand men...

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How can it be that he goes from one minute to wanting nothing to do with me, to asking me to spend the weekend with him at his cabin?

 

I don't understand men...

 

Uh oh...I am seeing a problem with this. He wants you to spend the weekend at his cabin...just the two of you? Are you sure he isn'y trying to use you for sex? Not to make you feel bad, but he sounds like he's jerking you around. You told him how you felt and he laughed at you and turned up the music. He wouldn't sit by you in class and had an attitude (even though you invited him to sushi and saved him a seat). But then HE invites you out and you end up making out, now he is inviting you to his cabin for the weekend, not dinner or dancing? I would worry that he's playing you. Watch out.

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Uh oh...I am seeing a problem with this. He wants you to spend the weekend at his cabin...just the two of you? Are you sure he isn'y trying to use you for sex? Not to make you feel bad, but he sounds like he's jerking you around. You told him how you felt and he laughed at you and turned up the music. He wouldn't sit by you in class and had an attitude (even though you invited him to sushi and saved him a seat). But then HE invites you out and you end up making out, now he is inviting you to his cabin for the weekend, not dinner or dancing? I would worry that he's playing you. Watch out.

 

Ya I am concerned about that as well, but he HAS asked me many times in the past to go for dinner or go for a bike ride but I always denied.

 

I WONT sleep with him at his cabin. I actually joked around with him and said that I would go to his cabin, but he shouldn't expect to get lucky. He laughed and said that my company is enough... Does that seem legit?

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He is very insecure and wants to be sure of your interest.

 

Do you think Womanwrite's concerns are valid?

 

I feel like I am in a pickle because on one hand, i want him to know I am interested in him, but on the other hand i don't want him to get the impression i am easy! So complicated.

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Not sure if you're looking to pursue a potential relationship with this guy or not, but if you are- my question to you is, how do you expect it to work if there's already this much miscommunication and "mind games" going on?

 

Also, any normal functioning guy wouldn't invite a girl who he's interested in to his cabin for the weekend and NOT expect sex. As much as you are interested in him and want to show him that, you should really follow your intuition on this. Is it worth being put in an uncomfortable position without a way to get out? (I'm assuming that you don't have a car)

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Brad was online. I mentioned to him that I would enjoy going out to his lake and getting to know him, but that I didn't want him to get teh wrong impression considering it would be only him and I. I made it clear that I would not allow us to have sex but that i would like to get to know him better.

 

He then got SUPER upset. He said that he doesn't think we should go to the lake anymore. I told him that it wasn't a big deal at all if we don't go. I tried to reassure him that I didn't even care what his intentions were.

 

I went offline at that point and he sent me 7 text messages. Accusing me of putting him on the spot and making him seem like a horrible person.

 

Whhhhhat the heck. I am so over this. I am driving myself to school tomorrow.

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