Will he ever come back? (Male advice would be EXTRA appreciated)

[Daisi215]

This is kinda a long story, but I guess all relationship stories tend to be like this. We were dating for almost a year. The moment we met it was so easy and natural. We spent almost everyday together, and on those rare days we weren't he would be calling me throughout the day. After a few months of dating he told me he loved me (I didnt say it back, he knew i didn't toss those words around easily). He always spoke so highly of me to his family and his friends, I loved it. He put me on this pedestal. Told me I was beautiful almost everyday, made me feel so damn special. We had so much in common, I've never had that with anyone. We are both very extroverted so going out with him was always so much fun, he could charm anyone. My friends all loved him. I had moved to the area the year before meeting him for grad school, came from across the country. So he kinda showed me all the secret spots. Not being near my family was hard, but I had him. He did so much for me. He even drove me to my school boards an hour away at 5 in the morning and waited for me to finish.

 

As perfect as I'm making this all seem, he did have his own personal battles and struggles. He is very short tempered, but I'm used to that because my dad (who happens to be the greatest person i know) is also very short tempered. He also has ptsd from being in the military (during the war) and anxiety. His stories were heartbreaking. We did have a lot of stupid fights throughout the relationship, but nothing major. I was in between leases, so i ended up living with him for a few months. This is when things started to get rocky. We started fighting a lot more because he started getting really insecure. He thought i was going to leave him as soon as my new lease started because I wouldn't need him anymore. I told him that wasn't the case. One of his best friends had told another one of his friends that they didnt understand what i saw in him because i was too good for him, my ex found out and only got more insecure. We got pass these humps, things finally started getting really better. I finally told him after 8-9ish months that i loved him, we were in the best place.

 

Then all of sudden things weren't, it started when he started drinking more on the days we would go out, he by no means is an alcoholic. Just got too drunk the few times we went out. When i would tell him the following day about it, it would spike his anxiety and we would fight. We got into a stupid fight one day, that i ended up making bigger. I told him things that really hurt him, he lashed out after..blah blah. Next thing i know I'm asking for space, and he agreed. I guess a dumb part of me was hoping he would say no to space, it hurt me that he easily accepted. He did say he wanted to remain in close contact, but he was barely reaching out. Aside from a few texts a day. i felt like i kept initiating conversation. I wasn't used to that about us. I was hurting. A week and a half go by of this, i reached out asking him to come over for dinner and he didnt respond back. So after 3 hours i just texted him saying if you didnt care just say it blah blah, you obviously dont want to be with me so bye. I was just angry i didnt mean it, he took it as a break up and to say he was furious was putting it lightly. I apologized, but he told me he needed more space and that if he was ready he would reach out to me, but it would be starting over. I didnt know what to make of this, but he asked me to please respect his wishes so i did. I had gotten a new job offer that started in a month, so I ended up quitting my part time jobs and going back home to spend time with my family and friends. During this space I may have been posting more than usual on social media to make him miss me. He was always the first to look at all stories i posted, i loved it. When i got back, i reached out telling him i missed him and how much losing him made me realize what he means to me. After a few days of silence he responds back with "i just cant". So yes i then begged, ughh. And he went on to say that i never cared about him blah blah blah. Then he said to leave him alone. I was so heartbroken, I've been dumped plenty of times and i didn't even shed one single tear. I ended up doing 3 weeks of NC, before reaching out again. He then responded back with he was really sorry how things ended up. That he still had feelings for me, but he just cant see me because he knows it'll be hard to control himself. Again with the I cant. He said he needs to focus on himself and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I do believe he isnt seeing anyone right now. Based off social media he seems to be working at his job more, going to the gym/training and he even went on a solo trip out of the country.

 

I've been a mess. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. This adjustment is killing me. I found myself constantly creeping on his social media account, he is very active on it. So, last week i deactivated all my accounts, it was liberating.

 

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. Should i move on? Why did he tell me he still has feelings? Why was he always creeping on my instagram story? A part of me still feels like it isnt over, which i know seems so pathetic. I just wish i knew what was going on in his head.

[boltnrun]

So, you have a habit of saying things you don't mean in an attempt to manipulate him into doing what you want. You asked for "space", hoping reverse psychology would kick in. Then you ended the relationship, but were "angry and didn't mean it". Now you are using social media in an attempt to either make him jealous or to get his attention.

 

These are all immature ways to try to resolve conflicts. Instead of, you know, just sitting down and talking to him about how you feel.

 

Now, that is not to say he didn't do his share of things that are relationship destroyers. Being short-tempered (how exactly, did he yell, curse, slam things, name-call?), drinking excessively, expressing insecurity about being used by you.

 

In short, the two of you do not have good communication skills.

 

The best thing to do is respect his wishes (for real this time) and stop with the immature social media posts designed to get his attention. If you completely remove yourself from his life he might miss you. Or he might not. Or the two of you might realize you don't actually belong together and you carry on with your lives. Or you may decide you'd like to try again. But neither of you will reach where you need to be unless you take some real time apart.

 

And reflect on how you choose to communicate. Manipulative tactics don't belong in a mature, respectful and loving relationship.

[Daisi215]

I guess I never saw it in that way, a different perspective for sure. I asked for space because I was scared I was losing him. I was emotional, I'm human. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we don't mean. I've regretted so much. And i have tried to see him, throughout this all i have asked to see each other, to meet and talk. He wouldn't. There's so much I've wanted to say. And apologize for. He has made his fair share of mistakes too, but i can forgive. He gets so stubborn he can't.

 

He would yell over the dumbest things, and name call, but he would immediately apologize.

[MissCanuck]

This sounds like a very unhealthy and immature relationship. Both of you contributed to the childish dynamic you have wound up with here.

 

Yes, people say things in the heat of the moment. That doesn't mean those words need to be accepted or ignored by the person they're directed towards. Sometimes things just can't be overlooked. You might be willing to forgive him for the crappy things he's said, but that doesn't entitle you to the same when you lose control and let the verbal vomit fly. That is the risk we take when we don't think before we speak. Learning to control your tongue and breathe before lashing out is a sign of maturity, which both you and he appear to be lacking.

 

The chance that things will come back together and be healthier and sustainable long-term are very slim. This is not simply a matter of apologizing and making up. There are deeper problems here that are going to make a relationship difficult in any case.

[Daisi215]

There were other stressors in the relationship I hadn't mentioned. I think often times we just met at bad times in each others lives. I was dealing with a family loss at home, it was sudden and happened while I was living with him. It destroyed me, but I couldn't really talk about her. I felt like i lost myself for a bit, i became more withdrawn and that added to his insecurities. He didnt know my cousin died, because I was having a difficult time talking about her. I should have told him. I had planned on it when i was ready. That was part of the reason i had gone home for a month, my family helped me properly mourn and be able to stop living with guilt of not being there when she had passed. She had been battling cancer for the past 4 years on and off, I was with her throughout all her treatments, I was under the impression she was cancer free for 6 months, but then all of a sudden she was gone. Please dont tell me I was wrong for keeping things in, we all mourn differently. Yes, i handled it wrong. Looking back I wish he'd known. That had a lot to do with our fights because of my disinterest in life. I was grieving, also yes that caused me to be over dramatic. The space is when i finally had the time to reflect and realize things. He does know everything now, and thats part of the reason he feels very sorry for how things ended up. I didn't even tell my friends here about it initially. I was pretending it didn't even happen, thats the beauty of not being there when it did. Out of site, out of mind. Maybe i wasn't in the right mental space to even be in a relationship. I don't know, but I know my mistakes.

[SGH]

This was what I call a "learning relationship". Neither of you knew how to communicate well and the dynamic was unhealthy. As another poster pointed out, saying things to manipulate others into acting a certain way is an abusive behavior. Recognize you were engaging in it and make an effort in future partnerships to say how you feel directly. It may not have been an intended breakup on your part, but it was a breakup.

 

I think he is right to stay away and that as hard as it is, you should stop scheming to get the relationship back. Work on accepting that the two of you together did not create an emotionally safe or stable environment, and thus are ill-suited. I guarantee if you get back together, the relationship will only be more unhealthy and unsatisfying than this time. Learn, move forward, and find someone new.

[MissCanuck]

Maybe i wasn't in the right mental space to even be in a relationship. I don't know, but I know my mistakes.

 

That's important, but it doesn't explain his bad temper and verbal abuse towards you.

 

You can do your part to improve yourself; we all should continuously touch base with ourselves this way. However, that still doesn't mean this relationship would have had a future. He doesn't sound all that stable and perhaps he was hoping you would leave anyway.

 

I would not even try to resuscitate this.

[Daisi215]

I have been improving myself. I've been working out a lot lately. It's been great for me mentally. My new job has been challenging, but intellectually stimulating. Looking into starting my doctorate possibly soon.

[Hollyj]

This guy has a lot of issues. Has he had any therapy for all of insecurities, temper and abusive ways? He needs years of work.

 

You need to learn better communication skills. There was manipulation on your part. I too, would have been hurt if you had not shared the loss of your cousin.

 

Move on. This is super unhealthy.

 

You need to cut all contact and move on. Block and delete this guy! No future.

[Zenon1267]

This is kinda a long story, but I guess all relationship stories tend to be like this. We were dating for almost a year. The moment we met it was so easy and natural. We spent almost everyday together, and on those rare days we weren't he would be calling me throughout the day. After a few months of dating he told me he loved me (I didnt say it back, he knew i didn't toss those words around easily). He always spoke so highly of me to his family and his friends, I loved it. He put me on this pedestal. Told me I was beautiful almost everyday, made me feel so damn special. We had so much in common, I've never had that with anyone. We are both very extroverted so going out with him was always so much fun, he could charm anyone. My friends all loved him. I had moved to the area the year before meeting him for grad school, came from across the country. So he kinda showed me all the secret spots. Not being near my family was hard, but I had him. He did so much for me. He even drove me to my school boards an hour away at 5 in the morning and waited for me to finish.

 

As perfect as I'm making this all seem, he did have his own personal battles and struggles. He is very short tempered, but I'm used to that because my dad (who happens to be the greatest person i know) is also very short tempered. He also has ptsd from being in the military (during the war) and anxiety. His stories were heartbreaking. We did have a lot of stupid fights throughout the relationship, but nothing major. I was in between leases, so i ended up living with him for a few months. This is when things started to get rocky. We started fighting a lot more because he started getting really insecure. He thought i was going to leave him as soon as my new lease started because I wouldn't need him anymore. I told him that wasn't the case. One of his best friends had told another one of his friends that they didnt understand what i saw in him because i was too good for him, my ex found out and only got more insecure. We got pass these humps, things finally started getting really better. I finally told him after 8-9ish months that i loved him, we were in the best place.

 

Then all of sudden things weren't, it started when he started drinking more on the days we would go out, he by no means is an alcoholic. Just got too drunk the few times we went out. When i would tell him the following day about it, it would spike his anxiety and we would fight. We got into a stupid fight one day, that i ended up making bigger. I told him things that really hurt him, he lashed out after..blah blah. Next thing i know I'm asking for space, and he agreed. I guess a dumb part of me was hoping he would say no to space, it hurt me that he easily accepted. He did say he wanted to remain in close contact, but he was barely reaching out. Aside from a few texts a day. i felt like i kept initiating conversation. I wasn't used to that about us. I was hurting. A week and a half go by of this, i reached out asking him to come over for dinner and he didnt respond back. So after 3 hours i just texted him saying if you didnt care just say it blah blah, you obviously dont want to be with me so bye. I was just angry i didnt mean it, he took it as a break up and to say he was furious was putting it lightly. I apologized, but he told me he needed more space and that if he was ready he would reach out to me, but it would be starting over. I didnt know what to make of this, but he asked me to please respect his wishes so i did. I had gotten a new job offer that started in a month, so I ended up quitting my part time jobs and going back home to spend time with my family and friends. During this space I may have been posting more than usual on social media to make him miss me. He was always the first to look at all stories i posted, i loved it. When i got back, i reached out telling him i missed him and how much losing him made me realize what he means to me. After a few days of silence he responds back with "i just cant". So yes i then begged, ughh. And he went on to say that i never cared about him blah blah blah. Then he said to leave him alone. I was so heartbroken, I've been dumped plenty of times and i didn't even shed one single tear. I ended up doing 3 weeks of NC, before reaching out again. He then responded back with he was really sorry how things ended up. That he still had feelings for me, but he just cant see me because he knows it'll be hard to control himself. Again with the I cant. He said he needs to focus on himself and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I do believe he isnt seeing anyone right now. Based off social media he seems to be working at his job more, going to the gym/training and he even went on a solo trip out of the country.

 

I've been a mess. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. This adjustment is killing me. I found myself constantly creeping on his social media account, he is very active on it. So, last week i deactivated all my accounts, it was liberating.

 

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. Should i move on? Why did he tell me he still has feelings? Why was he always creeping on my instagram story? A part of me still feels like it isnt over, which i know seems so pathetic. I just wish i knew what was going on in his head.

 

Guys usually come back to see if they still have a back up plan.

 

Relationships are about giving equally without expecting by both parties. He said all that stuff because he knows he has you on the hook.

 

Insecure people tend to have bad relationships.

 

This just doesn’t seem healthy. You deliberately told him things to hurt him? Insecure drinkers are very vulnerable people and not good relationship material.

 

If you guys get back together it wouldn’t last long at all. Ending it now only speeds it up.

[Wiseman2]

Don't blame this on yourself. He was looking to break up and found an exit. It's a blessing. No one needs a moody, angry heavy drinker with mental issues in their lives. You are lucky he left and wise to stay away. There is much better out there for you.

[SoulTaker]

This is kinda a long story, but I guess all relationship stories tend to be like this. We were dating for almost a year.

 

So, you want some male advice. You've been dating for just less than a year, and is dealing with all of this drama. What makes you think that this is the right person for you? No offense, but have you been with any quality men in the past? I say that because this person isn't it. I wonder if you're being taken in by his charm, war stories, desperate struggles, drinking problems, PSTD,... and consider yourself to be a fixer?

 

You gloss over his shortcomings as though they're not a big deal (short tempered, insecurity, drinking,....). They are all red flags that you're ignoring. And, this is all within one year. Amazing. Instead of trying to figure out what's going on in his head, you need to find out what's going on in your head. To answer your question, it is "NO". All relationship stories are not like this.