Advice with current relationship

[Mgb22617]

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year. We've been friends for 4 years. At this point shes 1 of my best friends. We talk every morning, afternoon and night and I've yet to get tired of it.

 

I never ask about her past because it's not my business and I'm not exactly a saint. But she has brought up her past randomly throughout the years of talking. The problem is the story is always changing.

 

She had a serious relationship for 10 years and they have a kid together. She always said when they broke up she flirted but never did anything with anyone. Then randomly the other day she mentions how she had sex after her relationship and gave examples of her hooking up with 2 younger guys during that summer. Which also goes against her always telling me she never hooked up with guys because she is relationship type of girl.

 

I have a dozen more examples like those. But I'm feeling a certain type of way. Not judging her on her past but her inconsistency with telling the truth. I'd hate to lose her but also cant stand the fact that now everytime she says something I cant 100% believe her. Any suggestions from people that have been in similar situations?

[SarahLancaster]

That's really odd. It's not like you're the obsessively jealous type that she would need to downplay her past.

 

I think if you really love her, you need to have a serious talk with her about truth telling, and encourage her to discover why her stories are often inconsistent. It's important in a relationship to be able to trust what your partner says.

[lostandhurt]

I agree her past isn't the issue here, her truthfulness is though.

 

Time to have a talk (in person) about how you are feeling. Start it off by letting her know that you love her and her past is her past and you were not together then so it shouldn't matter. Then talk about how being truthful with each other will only make the relationship stronger and closer.

 

I don't think it is ever a good idea when you are in a relationship with someone to talk about your sexual past like she is doing. Does she really think you want to hear the details? You may be okay with it knowing she is entitled to a past just like you but if you are like me you certainly don't want to hear about it.

 

There comes a time when things are getting really serious and you may be even thinking you want to spend the rest of your life with her and that is when you need to talk about stuff like this if it is bothering you. It will only fester and get worse you don't talk it out.

 

I have a feeling she was worried to tell you the truth early on and now feels more comfortable so "details" are slowly changing more towards the truth. Make sure she feels safe and loved so she can be truthful from now on.

 

Lost

[Gary Snyder]

Integrity is very important for a person to be a good catch. But she might just be trying to downplay her sexual past - I'd be open to give her a get out of jail free card on that one.

 

I'd like to see more examples before I would pass judgement.

 

How old are you two? Why were your friends but not a couple for the first three years? Was one of you already involved?

[Mgb22617]

I am 29. She is 32.

She was involved but also a family member of a close friend of mine.

I understand at the beginning why she would try to downplay her past.

But only like 2 weeks ago she gave an example of how she wasnt with anyone for months after her break up.

Then 2 days ago she mentions her partying and hooking up with guys because she was in a relationship for so long.

 

She definitely has a tendency of saying too much information but the inconsistency really worries me.

Because how can I tell how honest she is currently in our relationship.

[bluecastle]

From what you've written it kind of sounds like she has trouble being honest with herself, at least on these matters, and is still kind of coming to terms with who she is and how she got here. That, more than her lack of totally honesty with you, is where I'd be a touch concerned. But that's just me. I like people who know who they are and aren't ashamed of how they got there.

 

A lot of people "downplay their pasts" early, because they're maybe a little ashamed, maybe a little worried about scaring someone off, and/or maybe they just haven't fully comes to terms with a chapter or two in their life. Most of us are forever reckoning with our pasts, in one way or another, and sometimes—ugh—we use new relationships as a way of sidestepping that reckoning. Like dropping into a foreign country, it's a chance to be a "new and clean" version of yourself, or at least the most up-to-date version. Stay in that country long enough, of course, and the full you will surface, and become known to others.

 

Sounds like a little combo of all of the above is at play here, and that some of her downplaying was done through some white lies. Little lies she needed to tell herself, on her own journey, and told you in the process. The way I see it, she's now course correcting a bit—she's closer with you, more comfortable, and wants it all "out there," so there isn't the weight, so you're building trust from a true place. She's also doing this for herself, I'd imagine, as she's becoming comfortable with moments that, at the time, may have brought a bit of shame.

 

Problem is she's a bit clumsy in execution, pinball-ing a bit and giving you some whiplash. She was Ms. Chaste at the beginning, now she's Ms. Randy. In your shoes I'd probably just let the pinball bounce around a bit more, since you basically already know the full truth: she was with someone for a good while, partied a bit after, hooked up a bit, probably spent some real time healing and processing as well, and is now with you—the "relationship type of girl" she self-identifies as and essentially is.

 

That said, if you need to discuss it, so the ground feels stable under your feet and trust continues to expand between you two, I like lostandhurt's approach. Put love first, make clear there is no judgement, that you trust her and just want to keep building trust—and, boom, you guys carve out an awesome little path for bonding, closeness, deepening things. It can, and should, be sweet.

 

Honestly? Reading all this I just kind of feel sad for her, because I generally feel sad for anyone who struggles to accept where they've been. Being a relationship type of person doesn't mean you can't sleep with a young guy or two following a relationship; those two are not at odds with each other, since human beings aren't robots. And being an awesome woman who makes for an awesome partner doesn't need to mean you never partied and got a little randy here and there, since, well, awesome women are just awesome humans, and most awesome humans are awesomely complicated.

 

Bummer to think she'd at all be worried that two summer hookups might make her un-dateable to a quality dude, like you. You can show her how much of a quality dude you are by giving her room to be her full self, room that will also allow you to continue to lean into things with her.

[hyden]

Look for patterns of stories changing or lies about things that don't even warrant a lie. I saw signs and still married my ex-wife, the lies got worse as the years went on. Big, small, it didn't matter. Once the lies started impacting us financially, it was the beginning of the end...well, that and her cheating on me for a year may have played a part. Reading your post gave me goose bumps.