[Update] Getting my girlfriend to lose weight...

[seanforever]

Ok, so some of you may remember me. 4 months ago I posted this topic

 

 

 

to save you the trouble of reading basically I was with a girl for 7 months and she basically decided to let herself go and gain 45 pounds over the course of the relationship

 

I wish I could tell you that she lost the weight and we are perfect. (I wish I could)..... She hasn't lost a pound. Hell she gained weight. we are going on 11 months now and what attraction I had to her is long gone. Kissing is now unknown to me. I don't even close my eyes anymore, as bad as it sounds

 

About a month ago she asked me why I act different. Why I'm not as sweet anymore. I straight up told her. Because of your weight. Insert cry, fight, cry, fight, almost break-up, fight fight fight, in that order. I don't regret saying it at all. I'm just not attracted to her anymore. When we go out now, the only thing I can seem to do is check out other girls. * * * ! I'm a nice guy too. Why am I doing this?

 

She has no self-anything. She wont stick to a diet. All she does is complain.. the concept of 'work' is gone to this girl. We just went out tonight and we went to in and out. Oh yeah, I said in my last thread that I was dieting, well I am, I've lost 13 pounds in hopes it would motivate her. So I didnt eat any of that garbage. She was eating her cousin's french fries. She was like 'watch he'll get mad at me now' its all a big joke to her

 

I took everyones advice, and applied it all and unfortunately it didnt help. Its not your fault its hers. I have no idea what to do now. I totally understand the whole point of 'love' and 'relationships' to stay with someone even when they are at there worst. And I did that for half a damn year now. How long does the 'rock bottom' buffer last? This is no longer a cry for help. This is a rant. The situation can't be helped. it can only be ended -

 

I start school this september, and I will be too busy to see her on a regular basis for, maybe as long as 4-6 months. If she hasnt lost the weight by then, I'm going to break up with her. I tried turning my back on it, I tried being the nice guy, I tried being the * * * * * * * , I tried being the personal trainer. I give up.

 

Cliffnotes:

Went out with a girl.

Went from 125 to 170ish in 6 months

11 months into relationship still overweight

I'm giving up

[Censored]

Fair enough.

 

If it's not your cup of tea, then end it with her.

[kuiks8]

Attraction is a big part of a relationship, beyond her body you seem to not be attracted to her attitude and her lack of self discipline. Only you can make the decision but if you read what you wrote I think all of your answers are within your posts.

[m12988]

Well, this is your preference. But the thing is, if you aren't attracted to her weight (and behaviors), then why would it be any different if she DID lose weight? You seem very upset with her, but it's not only her weight you are upset about. You are upset about far many other things, such as her complaining about the weight (that she may not be doing much about) and her not trying to lose weight. You can't change her. You can't change her weight. If she enjoys weighing more, let her weigh more. You sound very unsatisfied with farrrr more other things than just her weight. In fact, i do suggest you leave her. She will be better off with someone who enjoys her at her current weight, and you will be better off with someone else. Just remember...you won't always look perfect yourself. Just because someone is overweight, it doesn't give you the right to put them down and be "not sweet" to them. If you aren't turned on anymore by her, fine, but she still has feelings, so treat her with the same respect you would a skinnier girl. But really, things will not change if she doesnt drop the pounds. You're better off finding someone else with the same goals and body images as you.

[shikashika]

I'm curious to know why are you still with her if you are so unattracted her and even tell her so.

 

There must be something about her that you like to stay with her?

 

i can understand how physical attraction is important and maybe it seems like she doesn't take care of herself.

 

i know sometimes i've thought, "if they can't take care of themselves, how can they take care of someone else?

 

but anyway, why are you with her if you dont' even want to kiss her? Are you still hoping she will change?

[saleen_281]

My gf has a six pack!!! but no boobs

[redhearts]

My gf has a six pack!!! but no boobs

 

Sure shes not a man.

 

I don't see why you would stay with someone your simply not attracted to. I mean you should dump her. Because yes its different but if you were to marry her and she got pregnant and COULDN'T LOSE the pregnancy weight-- well you basically go on a divorce eh?

 

So try dating a girl who likes to stay fit.

 

Your just not happy, shes not trying to help this relationship its just eat and eat, the longer you wait the more attached she will get and the harder it will be for her to get over you. So do you both a favor, end it now, you apparently don't even like her.

[seanforever]

If you check back at my other thread, you will see that, shes not happy about her weight

 

All she ever does is complain about her weight, I'm fat this I'm a cow that. But she wont do anything about it!

 

And ive stayed with her this long because I love her. I dont want to end it with her because I dont know if I will ever find someone who I click with as well as her

 

I do like her. I love her. I'm just fed up. I know I sound like a superficial * * * * * * * but if you read my other thread you will see that I'm not. I'm just so bitter about it now

 

I'm not a fitness freak by any means. I'm not asking her to be a model. But there are some things you just dont do in a relationship. Becoming CLINICALLY OBESE is not one of them

 

(Yeah, shes 5 feet tall, she crossed the obese mark at 155 pounds)

[redhearts]

WOAAAAAAH. Shamu. LOL My friend says, although it may only be for guys, to say bizatch * * * * and make fun of the person basically to lose weight. Or if you see, not a model!, but a normal average size person you shoudl say wouldn't you want to look like that? Or buy her a t-shirt or jeans that fit her when you first met, if she cries or whatever, just say, well just so you have something to look forward to fitting into! Then smile real big.

[seanforever]

WOAAAAAAH. Shamu. LOL My friend says, although it may only be for guys, to say bizatch * * * * and make fun of the person basically to lose weight. Or if you see, not a model!, but a normal average size person you shoudl say wouldn't you want to look like that? Or buy her a t-shirt or jeans that fit her when you first met, if she cries or whatever, just say, well just so you have something to look forward to fitting into! Then smile real big.

 

Funny thing is, indrectly or not, I have done that

 

Another point I need to bring up is how 1 sided most people are about this.. Especially girls. "If you love her it doesnt matter what she looks like"

 

Yeah. my ass.

 

I do love her. Is it so hard to want to be with a hot chick through my twenty somethings? I mean she was banging when we were going out. and shes miserable.

 

I will never understand women. Too emotional for their own good

[kuiks8]

WOAAAAAAH. Shamu. LOL My friend says, although it may only be for guys, to say bizatch * * * * and make fun of the person basically to lose weight. Or if you see, not a model!, but a normal average size person you shoudl say wouldn't you want to look like that? Or buy her a t-shirt or jeans that fit her when you first met, if she cries or whatever, just say, well just so you have something to look forward to fitting into! Then smile real big.

 

is this a serious post? as a female i find it kind of shocking that you would write that.

To the OP-you aren't happy you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You tried it didn't work so do what is best for you.

[m12988]

I think the only time people sound superficial about weight is when a bit of body fat makes or breaks a relationship, but that's the only thing that person judges on. You clearly are judging on her willpower and her constant complaints, and rightfully so. There's nothing more annoying than someone constantly complaining about one thing, but not doing a thing about it to fix it up, so I see where you're coming from. I think you are just more fed up with her not caring about what she eats, not caring about her health and the fact she doesn't even seem to be listening. I've read your posts, it's great that you've tried to lose it with her, but apparently even your attempt there didn't help her. Hearing her constant negativity about the situation is probably making you pretty depressed.

 

I think you'd feel much better if she just stopped complaining about it while eating a bunch of french fries. Thats almost like having unprotected sex and then being mad when you become pregnant from it.

[shikashika]

Funny thing is, indrectly or not, I have done that

 

Another point I need to bring up is how 1 sided most people are about this.. Especially girls. "If you love her it doesnt matter what she looks like"

 

Yeah. my ass.

 

I do love her. Is it so hard to want to be with a hot chick through my twenty somethings? I mean she was banging when we were going out. and shes miserable.

 

I will never understand women. Too emotional for their own good

 

i agree with you, it DOES matter what they look like... and it matters to you.

 

 

I've hardley ever heard someone on this board say 'But you should love him despite his crack addication" or "You should love him despite the fact he lives with his parents and is 35 years old and doesn't have job" or "but you should love him despite the fact he has no education"

 

You get a lot of rebuttals saying, "But we don't ahve imilar values in education, career etc"

 

I think this is the same thing. You don't have similar values when it comes to taking care of yourselves physically, and i see nothing wrong with that.

 

It's not ALL about the heart!

[m12988]

WOAAAAAAH. Shamu. LOL My friend says, although it may only be for guys, to say bizatch * * * * and make fun of the person basically to lose weight. Or if you see, not a model!, but a normal average size person you shoudl say wouldn't you want to look like that? Or buy her a t-shirt or jeans that fit her when you first met, if she cries or whatever, just say, well just so you have something to look forward to fitting into! Then smile real big.

 

Yeah since humiliating someone and hurting their feelings is fun to see.

[redhearts]

LOL My lord, its just that sometimes people don't get the message until they hit rock bottom. But I mean try planning hiking dates with a nice healthy picnic

[seanforever]

Out of every post from every person in this forum, this is the 1 post that I feel connects with me EXACTLY.. Sums up how I feel and the point I was trying to make

 

I mean she kept saying today "All these girls keep looking at us like why is that hot guy with her"

 

I mean back 9 months ago I would have ran a muck on her with compliments for saying something like that. When it happened tonight I kinda just hesitated and called her delusional. I just dont know what to say to her anymore

 

 

 

 

"Its not all about the heart!" That makes alot of sense to me. Love can get you a long way. But sometimes its the little superficial things that you really need to have

[m12988]

 

I think this is the same thing. You don't have similar values when it comes to taking care of yourselves physically, and i see nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Exactly. Your priorities are just different. It's hard to deal with people when your priorities are not similar. This problem may arise in other situations besides the weight. If you were to have kids, she may not think it's as important to feed them correctly as you might prefer them to be fed. Or she might not push them as hard (when it comes to school) as much as you may want them to be pushed so they will make good grades. She just seems a little less disciplined compared to you. Nothing wrong with that.

[kuiks8]

LOL My lord, its just that sometimes people don't get the message until they hit rock bottom. .

 

well nice of you to help them get there by calling them shamu and making them cry...

[m12988]

Out of every post from every person in this forum, this is the 1 post that I feel connects with me EXACTLY.. Sums up how I feel and the point I was trying to make

 

I mean she kept saying today "All these girls keep looking at us like why is that hot guy with her"

 

 

I can definitely see how that would annoy you. My fiance was in debt about a year ago....he complained and complained and was stressed out and i was soooo sick of hearing that crap. Anyway, long story short, he wasn't taking care of it. He felt so lost and stuff. Finally, i had a long talk with him, helped him sort out things such as his finances, got him to call the companies he owed. They even compromised with him about his debts and took half of his debt away and asked him to just worry about the other half. He got over it, and feels wayy better and i no longer hear the complaints. You have done the same thing, but she is not following. She needs to understand you are also very concerned for her health, if she gains a lot more, that could definitely put her at risk for all sorts of stuff that overweight/obese people tend to have. Since you tried and she didnt' follow through...you feel really mad about it. I dont see why she won't help herself though, wow.

[redhearts]

well nice of you to help them get there by calling them shamu and making them cry...

 

Hey it may help! Just take her to SeaWorld and say hey its your momma! LMAO.. OKAY IM TOTALLY KIDDING!!!! I'm just really sarcastic, sorry to offend anyone!

 

On a serious note she may just need your support more than you are now and for you to maybe do things with her to help her lose the weight. I hear its easier if you have someone to lose weight with, well like you said you were. But maybe you guys can turn it into not all dates, but some. I mean like seriously take a small hiking trip and have a picnic planned out, healthy meal in a nice romantic spot. (Just make sure she eats only her half!)

[seanforever]

Yeah.

 

Apparently, though I didnt know her when she was young. she was always a 'chubby' kid. She lost a bunch of weight about a year before we went out. So she was skinny for about a year and a half, and now shes overweight again, I guess she just feels thats her 'comfort' zone or something, which is ironic because I've never met someone so UNcomfortable with themselves..

 

She said one time 'I'm hurt because if I looked like this when we met you wouldnt have gone out with me" and I said, yeah thats true.

 

This is a girl who's had more wake up calls than I can count on my fingers yet she is still to do anything about it

[Blackbear]

Sean.....the reason she's complaining is because she's letting you know that she knows you are disappointed and she is as well. She is obviously eating for another purpose other than to just eat. Something in the relationship has been lost and she has decided to replace it with food. In the beginning I'm guessing the lovemaking was out-of-site and then began to eventually move towards "so what are we going to eat tonight." Right? The reason she's not sexy to you has not much to do with her weight but with something else. There are some overweight girls on this planet that would drive a gay man straight and I mean that literally! The reason is because of how they carry themselves confidence-wise. If your girl does not feel pretty, she's not going to carry herself sexy thereforeeee, you aren't going to view her as sexy. My advice. Start telling that girl how sexy she is GRADUALLY (she'll notice the change in comments) and at first she will deny them all but eventually she will begin to believe the truth. And then watch how she starts to love herself again. Watch how she will want the touching to start again. Watch what happens with the weight. As soon as she feels beautiful again......she's gonna blossom and look out when she does...(whoever's got her)!

[seanforever]

But thats what most people dont understand.. She doesnt have an eating problem. She doesnt just eat.. she doesnt eat more than a regular person

 

I said in my last thread she used to be a dancer. That was when she really took care of herself. Then all of her friends quit dance so she did also. Other than the 1x a week I see her, and school every day, she doesnt leave the house for the most part.

 

I got her to join a gym for free and she went like 3 times, gave up on that.

 

I got her to start 3 different diets, gave up on those.

 

Hell, she found this '3 day diet' that promises to lose 10 pounds in 3 days. I did it the same time as her, and I lost weight, so did she. I asked her if she was gonna stick to it the whole month, and she said..

 

"I dunno.."

 

I seriously wanted to .... her. The lack of motivation is SUCH a mega-turn away. She cant say NO to anything.

 

I have all the proof I need. She knows as well as I do the #1 reason our relationship is at stake is because of her weight, and she STILL wont change it. But of course I cant talk about it without her freaking out and throwing a fit, which sucks even more.

 

On top of that, if she makes a fat comment about herself, and I dont tell her otherwise, she will get all moody. She'll be like 'that wont fit my fat ass' and she'll look at me, expecting me to say 'oh your not fat babe'.. Yeah I tried that 4 months ago, doesnt work. Now I just will change the subject right on the dime. I'm not wasting my breath on this anymore

[agent1607307371]

She doesnt have an eating problem. She doesnt just eat.. she doesnt eat more than a regular person

 

But she's put on 45lbs?

 

That isn't right. Either she has an eating disorder and you're not seeing it, or she has something wrong going on inside and needs to get to a doctor.

 

 

Sounds to me like she has a real bad self-image and wants the outside to fit. It's a catch 22 for you - you can't cajole someone out of that, and making them insecure about it just feeds into it.

 

You have to decide whether her weight is a hard limit for you, because you can't make her feel worse about herself while at the same time saying that you won't leave her for fear of not finding someone who clicks like the two of you do. That's just contradictory.

[_Asti_]

Well, I can certainly say I relate. My boyfriend really isn't fat, he's 6'5" 280lbs, he's generally a big guy, and when we started dating he was generally all muscle, and was good and fit, which I enjoyed and liked because I myself am quite fit. Within the last 6-8 months he's really let himself go. And it was very hard for me to deal with, because I certainly lost a bit of attraction. But it wasn't so much the actual weight gain and body change that changed it, it was the constant complaint about it. "I'm gross..this won't fit, that won't fit.." and he had no self confidence whatsoever, he didn't love himself, and to me..its very hard to be with someone who doesn't give a crap about themselves. It wasn't the actual weight gain that I found so much the issue, it was his change in attitude and confidence.

 

I was actually quite blunt with him, our sex life took a huge hit because of it and he's a very very sexual creature, and it was a chore for me to have sex.

 

I really wish I had some magical treatment for you. Me being completely blunt about the issue worked for him. We discovered he had alot more issues going on, and it required him to do a complete life evaluation and change and start in a new direction. I focused not on the weight/body change, but the attitude component, stressing that he's beautiful and gorgeous when he's happy. And in some ways I even exageratted the issue, when he was out running, working out, eating well..I was all over him. Something he can't get enough of..reward the positive behaviors and just left the negatives alone.

 

Have you questioned this? Have you told her why she's doing this? Have you told her how you felt about her attitude, and the things she's displaying in this process? Not her actual weight gain, but her behavior, habits and attitudes that are emerging from this weight gain, you are having a hard time dealing with. By no means do I want to be with a body builder, but I am an active outgoing person and I like to eat well and take care of myself and I stressed that those were things I wanted in a partner. I realized his weight was an insecurity for him, so I didn't bother telling him his weight gain was an issue, because he already knows that...it was about his attitude and behaviors and all the things that were being displayed during this time frame that I hard a hard time dealing with, and its those things that make him beautiful, he can weigh anything, but as long as he's positive and has a great attitude and some confidence, he's still absolutely beautiful.